


Rising Moon

by Kahnah



Series: Gloria Regali [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mystery, Royalty AU, Star-crossed multiverse, but nothing graphic or permanent, king AU, themes of death and suicide, with artwork!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:20:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 124,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23465326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kahnah/pseuds/Kahnah
Summary: “Only dead people come from the portal,” the Taker of Hope told him.He towered over him, likely because Gavin was seven, short, and shivering.“You’ve died and come back.”He had died. He had been killed.--The other side of Gloria RegaliEDIT Jan721:Scrubbed this work from RH. If I missed something pls inform me so I can get rid of it. Thanks!
Relationships: Michael Jones/Ray Narvaez Jr.
Series: Gloria Regali [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1591018
Comments: 113
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, I'm so excited about this!
> 
> Please make sure that you read Setting Sun first. I think that can be read as a standalone but it has more impact if you read the first part of the story!

**Gloria Regali**

_Act 2_

_Rising Moon_

  
  


Amazing artwork by the talented [Meganna!](https://megannasdoodles.tumblr.com/post/613331123240566784/look-at-the-guiding-star-he-told-him-and-gavin)

Go and check them out!

Chapter 1

The first thing that Gavin remembered was being scared. It was etched so deeply into his bones that he jolted forward, falling onto the grass and skinning his hands. He cowered there, trying to avoid- _something._

A strike.

Hands in his hair.

Snow and voices in the red.

Neither of those things came and when he looked up there was only a large frame made out of black stone. A veil of purple inside and a horrific déjà vu feeling came over him. It turned his stomach and split his head and wouldn’t leave. Not for a long, long time.

“Only dead people come from the portal,” the Taker of Hope told him.

He towered over him, likely because Gavin was seven, short, and shivering.

“You’ve died and come back.”

He had died.

Deep inside he knew that. Someone had forced him down to his knees, cruel hands that tore on his hair to bare his throat.

Snow and blue fingers and waiting for someone that didn’t come.

Yeah, he had died. He had been killed.

There were people at the portal, waiting for loved ones that would never come, so they’d settle for him. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t Ethan, the right age, or gender. The people wanted him with such a dark overbearing love that it took his breath away.

They tried to snatch him away at every opportunity. He didn’t dare sleep, fearing the monsters in the shadows. For them he was theirs; so they tore and hurt and took.

He couldn’t defend himself or tell them to stop, because again Gavin was seven, weak, and at their mercy.

The Taker of Hope tried to protect him, but there were too many. Gavin felt like running. Hiding around the portal was ineffective at keeping away from those people. They always found him again. He dared not close his eyes in fear of slipping away, instead waiting with bated breath while the Taker slept his restless sleep.

“Where is your home?”

A question he didn’t have an answer to.

“How did you die?”

An even funnier question because he had the feeling he had too many answers for that, but none he could fully grasp. He could sense the memories buried in his mind every time he laid down for a few hours of restless sleep, but he left them down there, It was terrifying beneath the surface.

He woke up when someone touched his shoulder and in blind panic he sat up, slapping the hand away. No matter how tired he was, the nap had been a mistake; now those scary people had come close again. They would tear at his arms, scratch his skin, and bury a hand in his hair, making him bare his throat. It was-

“Hey, buddy.”

His mind stopped reeling for the first time since waking up at the portal. A strange déjà vu feeling was singing so loud that he feared his head would burst.

The man crouching in front of him was familiar and Gavin recognized his eyes. He knew them, just as he knew the green of his cloak and the scents sprinkled on it. The crown.

_Buddy._

“How are you doing?”

Gavin’s shoulder slumped because he knew he was safe now. Nobody would dare to hunt him now, nobody dared to speak ill of him as long as he was walking in the shadow of this man. He didn’t even hesitate, he just launched himself straight into the King’s arms, burying his face in satin and soft wool.

“Geoff!”

It knocked Geoff straight over, making him land on his behind, but Gavin didn’t let go. Squeezing his eyes shut he tried to work through the pictures in his head.

The fur in front of the fireplace and how he would play with wooden figures under Geoff’s watchful eyes.

The throne room and how the sunlight would drench everything golden on spring days.

The endless books and stories.

Geoff’s arms wrapped around him now, as he laughed awkwardly. Clearly, he had been surprised by him, but Gavin just pulled himself closer. He wouldn’t let go, never.

There was someone else because of course there was. Geoff never traveled alone and Gavin blinked his eyes open.

Jack was tall, taller than he remembered; he looked at him with distrust. That was unusual, but while that made Gavin’s heart pick back up again, he couldn’t feel threatened. Not when he remembered warm embraces and old books. Some for teachings, some for bedtime stories. Oh, Jack was always the one who could keep nightmares at bay, wasn’t he?

“I like your beard,” Gavin told him and couldn’t help but laugh. It was an honest heartfelt laugh, his first in this new life, and he could see how Jack’s animosity melted away.

He was finally safe.

He was finally back home.

The layout of the castle was etched into his mind and when Gavin sat foot in it again, a deep calmness settled over him. He had missed this place and it felt like forever since he'd been here. A lifetime.

The hallways appeared to be longer, the rooms larger and the ceiling impossibly far away. The first time he entered the throne room again, he was in awe. The throne upon the dais towered over him, and covered in golden light it looked divine as if the seat was reserved for a God, not for a man.

All the gold around, the fine etching on the throne itself was nothing new and still, he could feel the air around him, how important this place was.

In another life, he never would've been able to even come close to this place.

In another life, he'd been the one sitting on top.

Jack took him aside just days after they arrived at the castle. Led him to a small sitting room. He called this their own little project. Gavin had to smile at that. Jack was trying to find his home and Gavin gladly provided him with everything he could remember.

The idea of leaving this castle after finally finding his way back was terrifying. He could finally settle; he was sick and tired of running, but he didn't worry about this. He knew Jack wouldn't find anyone who remembered him, no matter how many of his men he sent out to search for his parents.

Nobody ever remembered him, nobody came forward saying they were missing their Gavin. It should sadden him and it did in some way, but it was alright. He had long gotten used to it and he had mourned that distant past enough.

His home was in this castle, his place was beside Geoff and Jack and he wasn't going to lose it again.

People disliked him instantly and it was honestly scary how quickly it happened. There were passing glances, cold eyes that followed his every move. The way the knights watched him too closely, the servants who whispered, even his maid that didn't so much as talk to him. She was just silently going through the motions, preparing his clothes for the day, checking on his fire while Gavin stood close by, playing with the seam of his shirt as he racked his mind for something to talk about.

He was lonely. Geoff and Jack were busy people and he couldn't be with them all the time. So he usually stayed in his room or in the garden, nobody there approached him.

Those few who did were... wrong. He couldn't quite tell why or how he knew that, it was just a feeling, the way that deep déjà vu feeling got stronger and somehow colder.

There was danger in the guard who opened the gate to the garden for him with a funny sort of bow; ill will in the priest and his claw-like hand that held too tight to his shoulder.

The court wanted him gone and those with the loudest voices didn't bother hiding that desire.

"You should finally give that child away, King Ramsey," the woman next to the throne said. Lady Reese, Gavin already knew her name and it made him shake. Her eyes were cruel and always watching, and even though Geoff defended him, it didn't help. It was nice, yeah, and made something warm bloom in Gavin's chest, but it wasn't going to protect him.

Not when the next time he was roaming the halls, Lady Reese cornered him. She crouched to be on eye level with him, her voice soft as she whispered to him, "You know what they say. That you bring misfortune to those around you."

He had heard that more than enough. Geoff had told him it wasn't true, just stupid talk that would soon blow over. Gavin didn't think so.

"With you being close to the King the misfortune will fall on him." Lady Reese's hand was cold on his cheek, a mocking gesture of comfort. "King Ramsey saved you and took you in. That's how you thank him? Who is to say what you will cause for the kingdom, for the King?"

And that made his heart stop; suddenly he wasn't in a hallway anymore and there was no night waiting beyond the windows. No, he was in a room up in the tower and the soft morning light was falling in. He was holding on tightly to a brittle hand, just as cold as Lady Reese's, and how often had he kneeled right in front of this bed? Pressing the numb fingers against his cheeks, against his lips, and in between his own palms to give them some warmth? How often had he pleaded for a different outcome, for a way to help, but nothing had changed? How heavy had that golden circlet been on his head during that time? And Geoff had been-

Child of Misfortune

Gavin slapped the hand of the woman away and ran as fast as he could. Lady Reese was laughing behind him and he could still hear it no matter how far or fast he ran away. It followed him all through the castle and up the stairs and wouldn't leave, just like the pale hand on the sheet, the heavy breathing of a lung fighting a losing battle and how hot it had been. The fire always roaring and still _he_ had been cold, _he_ had been dead cold, and Gavin couldn't get him to warm up no matter how tight he held and he wanted to, wanted to, wanted t-

Reaching his door, he burst right in and fell to his knees.

His breath was hitching and he blindly began to gather his clothes because Gavin was seven and tears were streaming down his face and he was bringing misfortune. If he didn't run away, if he stayed-

If he stayed there would be soft morning light on a pale hand that just wouldn't grow warm anymore, that just wouldn't move no matter how he held on to it, no matter how often he pressed it against his lips, no matter how much he pleaded.

That's how Geoff found him shortly after. Sitting in the middle of his room with his few articles of clothing all pulled together, but he didn't have a backpack or anything to put them in and so he was just sitting there, crying violently because he was poison and he brought misfortune and all of that was etched beneath his skin and he couldn't escape it.

How Geoff understood anything from the words that Gavin blurted out, he didn't know. It was a mess, his mangled thoughts that he couldn't truly grasp, but when Geoff had kneeled by his side and asked what was wrong, Gavin had to answer. There were so many things that he had a hard time properly wording it, in the end, he didn't think he managed.

It was enough though.

Enough for Geoff to pull him into his lap and stroke through his hair.

“Some people think that people who have been through a lot, who have lost something so valuable that it can’t be replaced, are bringers of bad luck," he explained to him. "They act like it’s something they can catch like a cold, something that rubs off on them. So they keep far away.”

That's why Gavin should run far away, somewhere where he couldn't spread his bad luck and what had Lady Reese said? That misfortune would fall on Geoff and the thought alone nearly took his breath away. He didn't want that.

"I don't believe in those things," Geoff assured him.

"But-"

Geoff shushed him and brushed strands of hairs from his forehead. His hand felt very warm and Gavin leaned against it.

"I believe that if there are people who have lost and been through a lot aren't the bringers of bad luck. I rather think that we should all try to help them. Most people are stupid though and they usually are the loudest out there. They just don't want to be bothered, so they try to think up excuses where there are none. You shouldn't listen to them."

He was trying to! He didn't want to listen to those people, but what could he do against his own head? Those pictures had scared him and he didn't want them, whenever he closed his eyes, they were there waiting for him.

But right now Geoff was here with him, leaning with his back against his bed and his hand was warm. It was still carding through his hair until it was standing every which way and at some point, Gavin's tears stopped. Now he was exhausted and he leaned his heavy head against Geoff's shoulder, and Geoff still didn't let go. He held him close and kept him warm and Gavin was daring to doze off when Geoff hummed.

"You know what I always did when I was sad as a kid?" he asked him and Gavin shook his head. In the next moment, Geoff stood and sat him on top of his shoulder and Gavin figured that was a pretty good thing against sadness because he instantly felt lighter. From up here, his room looked different and he eyed the ceiling a bit warily because it was so close.

Apparently, that wasn't even the end of it because without another word Geoff marched him out of his room and Gavin had to bow deeply to not hit his head on the door frame.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"Well, first we have to prepare."

Which was apparently a reason to carry Gavin all through the castle and even up the tower. It was actually impressive that Geoff did so with ease because Gavin hadn't considered him that strong, but here they were. 

They stopped in front of Geoff's chambers and he sat Gavin down on his bed before he rummaged through his closet. When he pulled out the green scarf, Gavin couldn't breathe. There was such a heavy wave of nostalgia that it was choking him and he hurried towards Geoff's side to touch it.

"Here we go!" Geoff wrapped the scarf around his neck, once, then twice and a third time and it still went to his knees, but Gavin didn't care. He touched it with shaking hands and his heart was so heavy that he couldn't answer. If he hadn't cried himself hoarse before, he would do it now, so instead, he just buried his face in the soft fabric.

It made Geoff laugh and in the next moment, Gavin was picked up again. He didn't care, he would go wherever Geoff would take him right now as long as he could keep the scarf. He didn't even know why, but he couldn't let go of it, had to wrap the endings around his hands again and again and couldn't decide what to feel.

Happy? Yeah, he was very happy. It was like meeting an old friend again. 

He rested his cheek against Geoff's shoulder as they went down into one of the kitchens. Geoff got two mugs of hot cocoa. Gavin never had one before, but the scent alone made him excited. It warmed his hands, even more so when Geoff walked with him through some winding corridors that Gavin didn't recognize. It had to be for the servants because Gavin could see a handful of them hurrying around, all bowing to the King and him.

Finally, they reached a more familiar part of the castle and then Geoff stepped out from the pathways and onto the roof of the dining hall.

Gavin recognized this place as well and being back here fueled his heart.

"Don't run off," Geoff told him as he put him down. "There are no railings and it's a long drop, so stay right by my side, okay?"

He knew that because when he closed his eyes he could see his boots dangling off the edge along with two other pairs. No fear in the world as the sun set warmly upon them.

But right now he stayed right next to Geoff and slipped onto his lap when Geoff sat down and pulled him in. They each had the mug in their hands and Gavin carefully blew on it because it was still too hot.

"You came here when you got sad?" he asked and above him Geoff shrugged.

"Well, mostly I got myself a hot cocoa because there is nothing that sugar won't fix, is there?"

Gavin took a careful sip and the sweetness filled his mouth. It was the most exquisite thing he had ever tasted and it tingled through his body.

"I think I know what you mean," he said and could hear Geoff laugh above him.

For a while they sat there like that and Gavin occasionally sipped his drink. From up here, he could see the castle town and how it slowly went to sleep. The market place was dark for once instead of bustling with light, but there were new corners he hadn't noticed being lit up by torches. People at home, huddling together by warm fires and it somehow sobered Gavin up.

For a moment he thought back to the small hut he'd been born in and the single fireplace that wasn't enough to warm the other rooms. That was why they had huddled there, right? He and his sisters as they played with small wooden figures their father had carved for them.

It should probably make him sad and it did in some way, but not a lot. That past was gone and unreachable, and while he could blurrily remember his sisters and missed them, he couldn't even recall their faces anymore.

What had happened to them after he'd died?

Geoff sighed and pulled him back into the now. The King put his mug down to wrap his arms around Gavin and placed his chin on top of his head.

"It's been way too long since I've done this," Geoff mumbled, and each word ruffled Gavin's hair a little.

"I've been so busy that I forgot how it is just to... be."

"Being a King is hard."

"Yeah."

Geoff sighed again and when one of his arms uncurled from Gavin, he already knew what Geoff was going to do next.

"Did you ever learn about the night sky?"

The nostalgia nearly turned Gavin's stomach and he shivered. Geoff must have taken this as a no because he pointed up and told him about Polaris.

Gavin knew the story. Burned into his mind even. He barely listened when Geoff went on to Gemini, the twins hung up in the sky out of reach from each other. Vega, Sirius, and the follower Aldebaran too. The seven sisters sat together in a cloud of light protected by Orion; there was also Regulus, the heart of the lion.

Gavin didn't listen to any of the familiar stories; he could only stare. The mug dared to slip from his grip, he could barely get his fingers to hold on. Taking all his strength to simply place it down. He needed a free hand to reach up towards the stars. He knew them, they were as familiar as everything else had been; but while the everlasting déjà vu feeling had been soaring before, it finally stopped. It broke apart in his mind and his heart was beating so hard that he could taste copper on his tongue.

His hand hid a star in the sky as he pointed at it and for a moment everything was right, everything was as it was supposed to be, but it was still there, he knew that.

"Which one is that?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the Guiding Star! The brightest star in the night sky!"

Wrong.

Sirius was supposed to be the brightest star. And Polaris was supposed to point north and show the way.

The Guiding Star should not exist, and yet, there it was, the brightest star in the night sky just like Geoff had said. And it wasn't Sirius, Gavin could see Sirius further north. This new star also didn't shine in different colors. No, it was just there, shining a steady cold light on them.

"They say when its light is flickering, you should doubt your decisions," Geoff told him, unaware of the tumult in Gavin's head. "Looks like we're lucky tonight though! It's very steady, so we got to be on the right track."

Gavin couldn't take his eyes from the star above. What was it doing there? It hadn't been there before. There had been a blank spot in his old sky.

It was different. This all was different, something had gone wrong, something wasn't right and this wrong star was just the tip of the iceberg.

Above him, Geoff sighed again and pulled him in. His hands were warm, his breath smelled of hot cocoa instead of booze, and his heart was beating - Gavin could feel it.

"I'm glad it's steady," he muttered, but Gavin barely listened. His mind was running quickly, still trying to grasp this new development.

All of this around him, he knew it. He had been here before, he had sat here with Geoff on this roof, but back then Geoff hadn't gotten him hot cocoa, no, he had just shown him the night sky. The scarf was the same, but back then Geoff had also given him an old cloak that was too long for him.

This was the same, nearly a perfect, copy of a good moment; Gavin should enjoy being back again, but it was wrong. Things were off; and the closer he looked, the more he could find the imperfections, the things that should make him wake up from this dream.

This one was just right up in his face and he reached for the star again, trying to touch it.

If it wasn't the same, if this wasn't just a copy of before-

Because this was what it really was, right? The yearning in his chest, that strange déjá vu feeling, and now that it was gone, he missed it.

All because of this star.

The Guiding Star hung steady in front of him, its light painting the tips of his fingers and for a moment he was sure he could slip through, that he could go back into a life he had already left behind. 

A life that had stopped over there, only to restart again here.

"Home."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You are the kid who came back to life or some shit like that?" Michael asked him, and Gavin barely dared to breathe.
> 
> "I died and then woke up again. I fell out of the portal."

Chapter 2

The training fields were nestled by the outer walls of the castle close to the barracks. It was a huge area with different sections to hone different skills.

Just yesterday Gavin had walked past the full expanse of it, holding onto Jack's hand. Getting lost with that many people around would be terrible. Jack had some business to attend to as well and didn’t want Gavin wandering off and getting into trouble.

It seemed like everyone knew Jack and were respectful of someone so close to the King. Though, he had his own pull in personality; Jack knew a lot of things and he never laughed at folks, at least not in a harmful way. No, he was always nice and patient.

His room was just a few doors down from Gavin's and when he couldn't sleep or had bad dreams he would dart down there. Jack never minded taking him in and Jack was also the one patiently explaining things he didn't yet understand.

As exciting as it was to follow Jack around, his enthusiasm had quickly died when he started to talk to one lady. Gavin guessed she was one of the trainers, but they talked for what felt like hours. There shouldn't be that much to talk about, but apparently there was. Yet Gavin wasn't really allowed to run off.

He knew why; the looks that had followed him since stepping a foot in this castle were way too familiar. He could ignore them easily, too used to them by now, but sometimes they still intimidated him. They scared him because he was just a child. He had done nothing besides exist, and even worse, he wouldn't be able to defend himself if they came for him.

He got the feeling they would.

So he stood by Jack's side, bored out of his mind when he heard it. Familiar voices in a sea of strangers. He knew them, even if all he could make out were grunts. They must be training; Gavin wanted to run ahead, to go to them, but Jack was still holding his hand. So he stayed.

That had been yesterday; now Gavin was back, it had taken all his courage to slip out of the castle without either Jack or Geoff by his side. And though it had been scary, it would be worth it. Now he stood still on the nearly empty training grounds.

It was the late afternoon and the sun was beginning to set. The lessons were mostly over and the abandoned fields cleaned and prepared for the next day. Not many were still out, but all the way in the back he had found them.

Two lonely figures who were fighting on the packed dirt with training swords and Gavin didn't know what to do.

Michael.

That was the voice he had heard yesterday. Michael was loud and whenever he brought his sword down, it was with a guttural grunt.

Ray was there. Like he always was. On defense. Not so much parrying Michael's blows than jumping out of reach.

They hadn't noticed him yet and he didn't think they would. They were both too focused on their training to look at anything else but each other, and the longer Gavin watched, the more choked up he got from the memories.

Their movements were sloppy, nothing against what it would eventually be. In some years Michael's blows would be able to crack bones; Ray would move as quietly and quickly as a shadow. Right now there were only hints of that. Right now, they were just kids with a goal they were working hard for.

Gavin wanted to go over and say hello.

Seeing them again left him in a strange limbo. Of course, he was glad, he knew they were his friends, or had been his friends, or were going to be. It was hard to wrap his head around it.

Fact was though, that right now they were strangers, or even worse, they had probably already heard about him. Had someone told them to stay away from the Child of Misfortune?

Would they look at him, think him weird, and scoff at him?

There was only one way to find out, but his feet just wouldn't move.

He stood there on the grassy patch between two training fields and couldn't move.

_ Before,  _ they had met in the garden; that was something he remembered clearly, but he wasn't sure when that had been. It had been a nice day, spring maybe, but now it was already summer and he feared he had missed his chance.

That was a terrifying thought. Michael and Ray had been very, very important for him, they had been his friends. To think he wouldn't meet them if he decided one day to rather head to the library instead of the garden was scary. And now he was scared that he had already fucked it up, so he would have to force their meeting, but that wasn't the same.

No, Gavin had no idea what to say if he truly dared to walk over there and greet them. Should he offer to train with them? He would be useless, he didn't know how to hold a sword, that would be very clear to both of them. He would just embarrass himself.

What should he do?

"Are you okay?"

Gavin turned around and found a boy around his age standing behind him. He didn't think he recognized him, but it was clear that he was also a trainee by the light armor he was wearing. There was a blunt ax on his belt.

The boy raised his eyebrows; Gavin realized he had just stared at him. Remembering the question, he quickly nodded.

"I'm just saying, you’ve been standing here for a long time."

He knew that, but he wasn't a step closer to the solution on how to approach the two. Knowing that someone had been watching him, his face heated up. He was one step away from just darting back to the castle and never leaving his room again.

"Oh, they're still at it," the boy said with a look towards the field. "Of course they are. Michael never misses out on it, but if you have something to tell them, I don't think Ray will mind if you interrupt them."

He made a hand gesture towards them, like Gavin was just supposed to walk up there and start talking. It was terrifying because now he felt pressured to do it, but he couldn't, he still had to make a plan! His heart was beating so hard that he couldn't hear his own thoughts.

"I don't know how..." He got quieter with each word, and he was surprised that the other boy even heard him. Instead of replying though, he just lifted his hand to his mouth and Gavin already knew what he was going to do.

"No!" He grasped the arm of the boy, but it was already too late.

"Hey Michael!" His voice echoed over the field and both Michael and Ray looked up at them.

Gavin wanted to get swallowed up by the ground, even more so when the boy just marched towards them and Gavin was dragged along. Standing there alone while everyone was watching might just be worse.

"Hey Jeremy," Michael greeted him with a wave. His face was flushed, yet he was already catching his breath. "Who's your friend?"

The boy, Jeremy, turned his head towards him. Gavin was still holding on tightly to his arm.

"Gavin," he introduced quietly. It definitely wasn't loud enough to reach Michael or Ray, he was even surprised that Jeremy understood him.

"Name's Gavin," he called back. "You still training?"

The two of them began to talk, just like that. While Gavin became awkwardly aware that he was just standing there, unsure of what to do.

At least Ray also wasn't participating, he was hunched over with his hands on his knees and trying to catch his breath. His training sword laid forgotten on the ground.

"Come on, Ray. Let the big guys play now," Michael teased him. Ray promptly gave him the finger.

"Fuck," deep breath, "you."

Nevertheless, Ray shuffled towards the edge of the field to sit down. Gavin watched him before he realized the other two were looking at him. Right, he didn't think he would qualify as one of the big guys. He let go of Jeremy, his face aflame, and hurried to Ray's side.

It was probably easier with Ray because he could tell that Ray was also shy. When Gavin sat down they stayed silent for a while.

"You are not one of the trainees, are you?" Ray eventually asked.

"I- no..."

"You are a noble?"

Gavin squirmed, unsure of how to answer that, because technically he was as far from noble blood as he could be, but he was still living in a castle, close to the King.

"Something like that, maybe," he muttered, and Ray nodded. He drew lines in the dirt with the tip of his sword.

It was clear that he felt awkward as well, didn't know what to say, and while the other two fought, their silence was way too loud under the clashing of the sword.

It took Gavin all his courage to open his mouth and get himself talking, but then it was easy. After all, he knew about Ray's interests, and when he started to talk about the gardens up in the castle, Ray's eyes lit up.

Ray would've made a good doctor, Gavin figured. With his interest in herbs, how to use them, and how patient he could be. That wasn't the path he had chosen though; Gavin knew that in a few years, Ray would be right by his side.

He just had to make sure it stayed like that.

It became a little tradition.

When the sun started to set, Gavin snuck out of the castle and ran as fast as he could towards the training fields. Jeremy was the first one he would find.

He was either training with his axes or already waiting for him. It was strange, Jeremy was someone that Gavin didn't remember.  _ Before,  _ Michael did have friends among the warriors, people that Gavin usually didn't get involved with, and he wondered if Jeremy had been one of them. Someone he had passed by maybe, without thinking about it much.

Now Jeremy laughs with him and one time Gavin was allowed to hold his axes. They weren't the real deal of course, they were smaller and lighter to train the right techniques, but Gavin still found them heavy. When he hurled them towards the target he barely made it halfway there, while Jeremy did it with ease.

But Jeremy didn't laugh at him, just clasped his shoulder and led him towards the other two.

Yeah, Gavin liked Jeremy.

He also liked Ray. The two of them were usually the ones sitting to the side, talking amongst each other while the other two trained.

Michael though, Michael was intimidating.

He didn't remember that from before. Maybe because before he hadn't really looked, didn't have the eye for how talented Michael really was. How focused he was to the task, like there was nothing more in his life than becoming a warrior.

He was the one Gavin talked to the least, simply because Michael never had time. When Gavin visited them here, Michael was first training with Ray and then switched to Jeremy. That would continue until Michael was nearly dead on his feet, but nobody seemed bothered by it.

Gavin found it concerning.

His newfound friendship lasted for a week before Gavin didn't find Jeremy on the field. There was no sign of him, no equipment lying around and no targets for him to hit.

That sent the first jolt of concern through him, but he hurried ahead. Maybe Jeremy had already joined the other two, maybe there was an explanation-

They knew.

He could tell the moment he came close to the other training field. Ray's eyes fell on him. They widened and Ray quickly looked away, lowering his sword.

Child of Misfortune, he could read it from his lips as he told Michael. Gavin stopped in his tracks.

They knew.

Someone must have seen them. Someone must have taken the three of them aside and whispered in their ear.

Don't get close to the dead boy. He'll just cause trouble.

Michael also looked over now as he leaned heavily on his sword. Ray was still talking but carefully avoided looking in his direction while Michael just straight up stared at him. It was nearly a challenge, but Gavin didn't dare to take a step towards them.

They knew. They believed those voices, and for a moment he imagined the three of them also avoiding him. The cold looks out of their familiar faces, the clear dislike in every word they would speak to him.

It broke his heart, even more so when Michael also turned away.

They were making their way back towards the shed that kept the training equipment and Gavin didn't know what to do.

Weren't they friends?

It was Michael who hesitated as he thoughtfully watched him. He had his wooden sword leaned against his shoulder as he turned and marched towards him instead. Ray called out to him, even snatched his sleeve, but it didn't stop him.

Fuck, Gavin was pretty sure he was going to get his shit kicked in. He debated running away. Michael would catch him.

"Michael stop," he could hear Ray hissing now, but Michael didn't, not until he was standing right in front of Gavin.

He was taller than him, which was a bit funny because Gavin knew that would change in the future. Not that it mattered now.

"You are the kid who came back to life or some shit like that?" Michael asked him, and Gavin barely dared to breathe.

"I died and then woke up again. I fell out of the portal."

Michael's brows shot up and he exchanged a glance with Ray. Ray who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here, pressing against Michael's side as if he was dangerous.

Gavin was pretty sure no matter how scrawny Ray was, he could knock him out no problem.

It made him angry because he wasn't trying to scare anyone. He just missed his friends!

"I'm that Child of Misfortune you guys have been hearing about," he spat, and Ray actually jumped at his harsh tone. But Gods above, he was so tired of it.

"So what are you guys gonna do? Gonna run away like everyone else?"

Michael's mouth twitched, but Gavin wasn't sure if he tried hard not to grin or to frown. He also didn't care, just stared at him because he was fucking fed up with it all.

"Is it true then? Do you bring misfortune?" Ray asked carefully.

"I don't bring shit."

"And you're living in the castle with the King?"

"With Geoff, yes."

Michael broke into a grin and Gavin knew he had won even before Michael gave him a playful shove.

It wasn't the same, he felt it. Maybe Michael could overlook all those rumors, maybe he just didn't care, but the other two?

Gavin could see it in the nearly panicked look Ray threw at him in that moment, or how Jeremy wasn't waiting for him anymore, not alone at least, and how Ray wouldn't sit as close to him anymore.

That hurt, he couldn't deny that, but he had friends, and right now that was the most important.

* * *

The letters in front of his eyes blurred together, pulling together into useful words before scattering again.

Jack had given him a page to practice reading and it was turning Gavin's stomach. It was a strange sensation because he could remember being able to read and write, but now it was all very far away, like he was seeing it through fog.

He recognized some of the words simply by the way they looked, but the more he concentrated on them, the wronger they looked. It was frustrating because he could read some sentences without truly trying and other words he had to dissect letter for letter.

It was like having two brains, two  _ hims _ , one who was way older and one that still had to learn.

He groaned and reached up to rub his eyes.

They were sitting in the library, him and Jack. Jack had some important business to do and Gavin had tagged along. He enjoyed it here, the huge shelves and the dark tables he was sitting on. The weather was nice and through the windows, the sunlight was warm and tingled on his skin.

It was quiet. Gavin figured he liked the quiet as long as he wasn't alone. It made thinking easier.

A big hand laid on his back and he looked up at Jack.

"Do you need a break?" Jack asked with a nod towards his exercises, and Gavin shrugged.

He wasn't sure. This shouldn't be hard for him, it was just a short text, but it was making his head hurt and a bit of nausea to boot. Like his brain just couldn't grasp all of this even though it should.

"You know it's actually astonishing," Jack continued and slipped into the seat next to him. He had been carrying a huge book that he put down now like it was nothing and Gavin paled just imagining having to read that. "You are such a fast learner."

"Doesn't feel fast," Gavin muttered, but Jack's hand just brushed through his hair and that felt good.

"I'm serious. I was wondering if you'd already learned to read beforehand. Maybe your father or mother taught you?"

Gavin frowned and tried to think back. The hut in the forest seemed impossibly far away, but their table in the kitchen had been as dark as this one here. There had been no sunlight though, whenever he thought back it was always dark and cold. A steady snowfall in front of the windows and a fire that was always on the verge of going out.

There was a shadow though, his father, standing in the doorway and holding out his hand.

_ “Follow me.” _

Not sitting down with him and teaching him how to write, oh no.

_ "You like the lake, don't you?” _

A full-body shiver worked through him and Gavin felt bile rise in his throat.

"Hey. Hey, it's okay." Jack's hand was rubbing down his spine and Gavin snapped back. The table in front of him was dark, yes, but bigger than the one in the kitchen. There was no shadow beckoning him to follow, there was Jack watching him with concern.

"Try to calm down, buddy."

Gavin hadn't realized how fast his breath was going. The single page Jack had given him for practice was scrunched between his fingers, and he forced himself to let go.

"I don't think my father taught me anything," he whispered. "I think he was a very stupid man."

"Okay, Gavin. That's fine."

Jack's hand was still moving as he tried to calm him down ,but Gavin noticed how intensely he was being watched. Honestly, it was the most he had ever talked about his past.

Jack shushed him and Gavin jumped when he touched his face to wipe tears away. He hadn't realized that he was crying, but now there was such a crushing sadness in his chest, that he had to press his lips together. He didn't want to sob loudly here where everyone could hear.

Maybe Jack understood because he was pulled in until he could hide his face in Jack's chest.

"Sorry for making you remember bad things. Why don't you rest for a moment?"

Right, his head was still aching and now his heart hurt as well, but here it was nice. Jack was very warm and when Gavin climbed onto his lap, he closed his cloak around him. Like this nobody could see him and Gavin closed his eyes. Just for a moment, just for a while-

When he slept he dreamed of the same warm hands and how they placed a crown on his head. How glad he had been that Jack had been there, but oh, how he wished there was someone else in front of him. Passing the crown on willingly.

Gavin's dreams were often horrible. Abstract things that he couldn't really grasp, but he understood them just enough to be terrified.

There was the red dream, where everything was tinted so opaquely. But there were things, voices that were talking to him, but he shouldn't answer. Answering was bad.

_ Are you afraid o- _

The brittle hand on the sheets was often there, and he wanted to look up and see who it belonged to, but he never dared. There was also a hand in his hair, pushing him to kneel in front of someone; he saw how his scarf pooled in his lap, what was going on? What was happening, where wa-

The one where he was being followed. That was the most recurring dream he had. It was dark, a pitch-black, oppressive darkness that was pushing at him, and still he was forced to move. Someone was pulling on his hand, not giving him a chance to catch his breath or turn around to look for their pursuer.

It was a tight fit, wherever they were. Gavin could feel the walls close by and it was also a staircase of some kind. It was steep and he was scared of slipping, but they weren't slowing down, not with that danger right behind them.

Towards the end of the dream, there were slits of light falling into their tight passage from crenels, and just for a second, he could see the person in front of him. They were wearing a red cape, but the next time Gavin saw it, it was green before turning red again.

He didn't think they were evil, quite the opposite, and yet, right before he woke up the figure turned around and pushed him against the wall to lean in.

_ You do what I fucking tell you to- _

Whatever destination they had, they never reached it. They just stayed forever in that darkness, a hand pressing him against the stone wall and another breath in the shadows somewhere in front of him.

There were other dreams, normal dreams about his day, but he was always searching for something then. Something he had forgotten, even though he knew it was important.

He woke up frustrated, restless, and scared; and if he dared to venture down the dark hallway he would dart to Jack's room. Never after the chasing dream though. He was too afraid to be out there for someone to get him and push him against a wall. A shadowy figure leaning in, threatening him to do exactly as they said.

* * *

During winter nights there was nothing better than laying on fur before a fire. It was warm and soft there, and the flickering flames gave him enough light to do whatever he wanted.

The only thing better than that was doing all of that up in Geoff's chambers, like right now.

It was the middle of winter, right after another year had turned, and outside the wind was raging. It would make scary noises, blowing and hissing through the long hallways of the castle. Everyone made sure to hide and get comfy in their rooms quickly.

Before Geoff had told him some scary story about how those were the voices of ghosts, people who had died here, but Gavin didn't believe that. Not really.

Up in the tower, though, it was safe no matter what, and more than once he had dozed off right here. Not tonight, he didn't feel tired, no matter how lazy the day had been. Outside the world was white and he had watched from up here for hours. It was like the city was frozen over, there was nobody on the streets, and if it weren't for the hundreds of columns of smoke coming from chimneys, he could pretend they were the only one left in this world.

There was a mug next to him, already empty because he couldn't resist Geoff's hot cocoa, but he had pulled it closer to include it in his game. He had brought some of his wooden figures up here to play and now they were about to climb the all mighty mug.

He had two horses and half a dozen different figures, all hand painted for him. Their features didn't fit, but he could play pretend that the smaller ones were him and his lads. Jeremy was always the smallest one, but Gavin wasn't going to tell him that because he didn't want him to get mad. The figure with the crown was obviously Geoff and the other one Jack. They owned the horses, but sometimes they let him ride as well.

The last piece had no name, but sometimes when he observed the painted on smirk he felt like he knew exactly who it was. One day maybe.

The King finally succeeded in climbing the mug and got a second crown, because the only thing better than one crown was another one. Obviously.

Lifting his head, Gavin was just about to tell Geoff about it when he remembered to be quiet.

He and Geoff were the only ones up here, but tonight Geoff didn't have time. He was working on something important. Gavin was told to not disturb him. So he wouldn't, because he wanted to be good.

Tomorrow he would tell Geoff about his great mug adventure, but for now he wanted to return to his game. Then he hesitated.

Geoff was sitting with his back turned towards him. He was hunched over his desk and scribbling something, had done so for a long time and they hadn't talked much since coming here. There also was a mug next to him, but Gavin couldn't remember seeing him drink.

It was nice like this with the warm fire and the soft fur and the little sighs Geoff would sometimes make. It made something swell in his chest. Confused, Gavin sat up. Was he growing sick? No, it didn't feel bad, not at all.

It was something different, slowly he got up to walk over to Geoff. He wasn't meant to disturb him right now, but he knew that it would be alright, that he had a good reason.

There was still cocoa in Geoff's mug, but he must have drunk some already because there was cocoa in his mustache. Next to the mug was a bottle with something orange in it. Gavin disliked the smell of it. It was alcohol and that was an ingredient only Geoff was allowed to use in his drinks.

Gavin stood next to the desk and waited for Geoff to notice him, but the King was so engrossed in his letters that it took a while. When he finally did, he nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Buddy, you gave me a heart att-"

Gavin stepped ahead and wrapped his arms around Geoff's middle. The King fell quiet while Gavin held as tightly as he could and just put a calm hand on the top of his head.

"Gav? Everything alright?"

"I love you," Gavin said and felt his face grow hot. He hadn't said it yet, not this honestly, not this up front. It still shouldn't be a surprise because he had tried to show it whenever he could, but this was different.

Geoff froze, and for a brief moment Gavin was scared that he would laugh, would ridicule his gesture and send him to go back and play, but then Geoff picked him up and crushed him against his chest.

"I love you too," he whispered. A promise between the two of them. Gavin nearly wanted to cry. Geoff was pressing kisses to his hair and he was warm and alive, not brittle. That part was just a nightmare and Gavin wouldn't let it come true. Never.

They untangled, but Geoff didn't quite let go. No, he cupped Gavin's face, searching his eyes and Gavin stared back. He was ready to show him everything, to make sure that Geoff knew he meant it with every fiber of his heart.

"I love you," Geoff repeated. "No matter what all those people out there say about you. That's one thing I want you to be absolutely certain of. Alright?"

Gavin nodded and shivered when Geoff stroke over his cheek, a gentle motion like he was scared of breaking him.

"Let me finish this letter and then we can play together. Does that sound good?"

"Yeah!"

He hurried back to his wooden figures with a skip in his steps. Somehow the fire was warmer now, the fur softer and every little figure more alive.

It didn't take long at all before Geoff joined him, laying down right by his side and placing his head on his hands.

"So, what are we working with? Give me a rundown."

"The King just climbed the great mug," Gavin explained and relished in Geoff's breathless laugh. "Look, he went all the way to the top! Now he has two crowns!"

"Two crowns? What does he do with that?"

That made Gavin frown and he just shrugged. "It's better than one crown, isn't it?"

Geoff hummed thoughtfully and picked the little King figure up to inspect it closer.

"It is, but that's also double the work. Does that sound fun?"

To be honest it didn't. Gavin hadn't seen it like that and he really didn't want Geoff to have even more work. He was already working so much that he didn't have any time for him some days!

"I figured a second crown was cool," he muttered.

"Not saying it isn't, but your King should share. What's power if it's just for one person?"

And from all the other figures around, Geoff picked exactly the right one and held it up. He made a big show out of it, with bad trumpet noises that left them all covered in spit as he acted like he picked one of the crowns from the King's head and set it on the other figure. The smaller one, the one that made Gavin's heart race and he beamed at Geoff.

Their shoulders were touching as they both laid on their bellies, the fire burning bright and all the figures were having a great festival to celebrate the second crown and of course the defeat of the mighty mug. Everything was good there; there was no snow, hunger, or sickness. Nobody was mad at them and there was no brittle hand, no one forcing him onto his knees, and no figure in the dark pulling him along.

No, it was just their happy ending, and Gavin loved it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No!" He was too loud, he could see heads turning towards them and Jack was throwing him a weird look, but he couldn't stop. With shaking fingers he pointed towards the area right above the border and left a smear of ink there. "There will be a drought!"

Chapter 3

Winter turned to spring, turned to summer, and Gavin was nine years old and happy. He really was!

He had friends that he would get into all sorts of trouble with, but it was fun! They would laugh until their bellies hurt and hide behind the hedge in the garden. It was their own little adventure, their own little story, and Gavin enjoyed it greatly.

Geoff was also still there and healthier than ever. He would swoop Gavin from his feet to sit him on his shoulders like it was nothing. Of course only when no one was watching, at least no one from his court, because they still hated him and called him names. He didn't want to focus on that though; he didn't want to listen to them, it was instead more fun to ignore all of them.

He had other things to worry about after all.

Jack was tutoring him every day now. Not only in language, but also in mathematics; something that only the nobles were allowed to learn. There was also geography, and history, and sometimes Gavin had a feeling the books Jack brought him were heavier than he himself.

He ate it all up though, and he knew that it was easier for him, that a lot of those things were already somewhere in his mind. Buried like so many memories and bad dreams. Keeping them there, somewhere deep where no one could touch them. Sure, they came out at night, but during the day they were gone and he could laugh and play to his heart's content.

And now that his reading had gotten better, he turned to more difficult things. Books, stories, the whole library was his! 

While his lads were training and after he was done with his lectures, he could be found sitting by the window and reading until it was time to head outside and meet with his friends. At night he would have dinner with Geoff and Jack and everything was good. He could smile and be happy and tell Geoff about his day as long as he didn't think about the night that was about to come.

But night would eventually fall and bring it's bad and confusing dreams.

Gavin tried to avoid them as long as possible. There was always a book hidden beneath his pillow that he would read until he got too tired to keep his eyes open anymore or until his fire was too burned down to properly see.

That meant he didn't get a lot of sleep, but he grew used to it. For him, it was better than the alternative.

During the summer it grew so hot in the castle that it stunk. As if the sun was hanging right above their heads. Jack had agreed to study in the library, but even the high walls weren't enough to disperse the heat.

Gavin could feel the sweat pool beneath his tunic and had unwrapped his scarf so it was only draped over his shoulders. In front of him was a nearly blank page, but he was carefully drawing the shape of the kingdom. Jack had said that it didn't have to be perfect, but Gavin still wanted to try. Jack had also asked him to note down the countries bordering them. That was a bit harder. Of course, he knew about Fieldhollow, Werringthal, and even Rhyst. Their queen was going to visit later this year and Gavin was pretty excited about that. He had never met a Queen before and Geoff seemed to like her!

The problem was only that Jack had mentioned four neighbors, and after Gavin had finished drawing his makeshift map, he took a close look. Sure enough, he was missing the country in the south, and so he turned back to his books.

Agptek! Right, he had heard about that place before. It was the desert kingdom, ruled under a high King and Queen that usually kept to themselves. Gavin was pretty sure they imported some of the exotic fruits from there and he could remember some traveling merchants with their colorful robes coming by to deliver them.

He noted the name down and was pretty happy with his work when he hesitated. There was this feeling again like he had been here before. It wasn't as strong anymore and usually left him alone because things were different now. This was his story after all and not some bad dream, but this one wouldn't leave him alone.

He stared down at his little map and carefully followed the border between them and Agptek with his fingers. It smeared his ink a little, but he paid it little mind, just trying to pinpoint the feeling.

It was hot in that area and the desert stretched even into their kingdom a little. Not many people lived down there, there wasn't much to grow with the dry earth, but some still did. There were a few settlements and people were constantly moving through that area, either to transport fruits and minerals or wood because Agptek desperately needed it for their structures.

"There's no food," Gavin mumbled to himself, but that wasn't quite it. That wasn't the reason and he dove deeper, tried to recall what happened there.

"No water." That's why nothing was growing there anymore and the people were hungry. Drought, he could hear Geoff saying it, something deeply upset in his voice.

They didn't have enough food to send down there, that part of the kingdom too far away to reach it in time.

People had died.

Gavin let that memory go and watched it sink again, somewhere deep inside where he usually didn't venture. It had been enough to send a chill down his spine and he raised his head to look outside. The sun was beating down, harsh and unforgiving, and he knew that the grass in the gardens was drier than usual, no matter how well the gardeners maintained it.

But near the desert?

No rain at all, but that wasn't it, they had supplies to overcome one bad year; but next year? Yeah, next year it would be worse and people would die.

"Oh, are you already done?" Jack asked when he came back to check on him.

"Jack, look!"

"Yeah, I'm seeing it. Looks about right, bud-"

"No!" He was too loud, he could see heads turning towards them and Jack was throwing him a weird look, but he couldn't stop. With shaking fingers he pointed towards the area right above the border and left a smear of ink there. "There will be a drought!"

For a long moment, Jack just stared at him before sitting down next to him. A warm hand was put on his shoulder to calm him down, but Gavin wasn't even thinking about it. So what if people were watching them, he had long grown used to it, this right here was more important.

"There were droughts in that area before. Did you read about them?"

Jack pointed towards the book on the table and while Gavin was sure there were reports about other droughts in there, that wasn't it.

"I know it will happen! I think next year!"

Jack's eyebrows shot up and he seemed on the verge of being amused or weirded out. He certainly wasn't taking it seriously; frustrated, Gavin turned back to his map. Thanks to his careless movements the ink at the bottom was all messed up and it looked more like the fingerpainting of a child than anything else.

But he knew it would happen and if they didn't do something about it, people would die!

"Maybe this book was a bit too much for you," Jack said next. "There were some scary things happening in the past, but that doesn't mean they will happen again."

No! That wasn't it, he knew what was in the past and not! At least he hoped so, sometimes it was hard to tell; now he was starting to doubt himself. He couldn't even work out his own head; those strange pictures and dreams it would send to him, how was he supposed to know this?

But he was so sure! What if he gave in now and next year it really happens? Or maybe this year or the year after or sometime! He knew it was going to happen, he had seen it and if they could help-

"You didn't sleep well again, did you?" Jack asked, and carded a hand through Gavin's hair. It was meant as a gentle motion, but it sent his nerves aflame. Reminding him of a hand pushing him down, his scarf pooled in his lap; forced to kneel in front of someone. He slapped Jack's hand away.

That made Jack fall silent and Gavin felt bad if only a little. Scooting away from him, he didn't dare to look up; instead catching the end of his scarf and twisting it around his wrist.

Neither of them spoke for a while. Gavin could hear his own heart beating fast. He should say something, try to explain himself further, but now his tongue felt weird. Like it was too big for his own mouth. Stuck to the roof of his mouth, and the more he thought about it, the more he knew he shouldn't have said a thing.

Of course, Jack wouldn't believe him. Of course. Nobody would. What he did wasn't normal. Other people didn't have weird dreams or strange memories that he couldn't grasp because they would float around like specks of dust, only to be seen when the sunlight hit them just right.

Other people didn't die and come back.

That was the reason why the court wanted him gone, why so many out there feared and hated him. He shouldn't talk like this. Rather act like everything was normal, he should stay hidden away in the castle where nobody could see him; people would eventually forget he existed. If he stayed close to Geoff, he would protect him, but if even Geoff started to believe he was weird, he might send him away. To some scholars, or an orphanage, or somewhere to live on his own when he was old enough, yet Gavin wanted to stay here.

This was home and he wasn't going to lose it, so he had to act accordingly.

"It's very hot today, I can't really think," he muttered. Jack didn't answer, but Gavin could still feel his gaze on him, searching for something. He made sure to watch his hands instead, scared that the other would find the truth.

"Are we done for today?"

"Okay," Jack agreed slowly. He wanted to say something else, to ask bothersome questions, but Gavin had slipped out of his seat before he could. He kept enough distance between him and Jack, just so the other couldn't stop him and hurried out of the library.

Outside it was hot, stifling even, but he didn't let that stop him. For a while, he didn't even know where he was running to. Geoff was busy, had been for the better part of this month with the harvest coming closer. Gavin didn't want to get on his nerves. It was also too early for his lads to be done with training, but maybe he could watch from afar. That was better than just wandering around.

As he walked towards the training fields though, he already saw that they were abandoned. Right, it was probably too hot to train directly underneath the sun. Were they inside their barracks then? He turned towards them, but there were too many people. Gnarly warriors that would tower over him and knights in their black uniforms. They were talking with each other, their weapons catching the sunlight, and some had jugs in their hand.

They were obviously drunk and their laughter loud, but Gavin had quickly learned that loud laughter didn't mean that they were happy. Their eyes could still be mean so he didn't dare to walk past them, not even to call out for his friends. 

No, that would be a very bad idea because even though everything here was still on the castle grounds it might be too far away from Geoff to protect him.

So he turned around and walked back.

The courtyards he passed through were mostly abandoned and the few servants he could spot were hurrying to get out of the sun. The heat was simmering between the high walls and Gavin found a bench in the shade and sat down.

If no one was out here, the castle would be brimming with people and he didn't want to be around them right now. The hot summer made everyone a bit weird.

Even in the shade, he was beginning to sweat, but he couldn't bother to get up and maybe hide away in his room. If Jack was looking for him, that would be the first place he would search and Gavin really didn't want that confrontation.

He should've just kept his mouth shut.

A pair of knights stepped out into the courtyard and Gavin tensed. They were young, had to be fresh out of the training and were patrolling this part of the castle. There was no reason to be wary about them, and still, Gavin was, an instinct he couldn't shake off. One of them spotted him; he stopped his fellow.

They were obviously sweating beneath their uniforms and their faces were flushed. A mocking grin pulled over both of their faces as they made their way towards him. Gavin froze.

Most people were scared of him and threw him a short glance before hurrying away, others would scoff at him, maybe whisper some mean words, but those who approached him were the worst. They were angry over something and apparently he was at fault. Some would throw things at him, would shove him, but usually, someone else was around.

Michael was usually the first to step in, to tell them to fuck off like he wasn't half their height, but Michael wasn't here.

"Hey, dead meat," one of them called, and Gavin flinched. He should run away, there was a passage behind him and he wasn't quite sure where it led, but he was willing to take his chance. Only his legs wouldn't move.

One of them carried a lance and poked at him with the blunt end. Gavin slapped it away and both of them laughed again.

"Can you believe this little bitch lives better than we?" one of them asked and the one with the lance just scoffed.

"We sweat our asses off in this heat, work hard every day, and this asshole just sits up in the castle, doing nothing."

They brought the lance down hard on his shoulder, enough to leave a bruise and Gavin quickly scooted further away.

"Leave me alone." He shouldn't have said anything, his voice came out thin and shaking, it just made them laugh again.

The next strike went for his head and he managed to bring his arms up just in time to block it. Finally, he stumbled to his feet and stared up at them.

They were bigger than him, stronger than him, and the other one was carrying an ax. A big one like Jack’s, and he had one hand resting on top of it. He was the one who was leaning over him now and Gavin could smell his bitter sweat.

"You have no right to tell us a damn thing, Misfortune."

He shoved him hard and Gavin stumbled back. He managed to stay on his feet, but only until the lance stabbed him in the belly. It nearly turned his stomach and he fell to his knees, coughing.

The two of them laughed again and he could see the shadow of the lance rise and quickly lifted his arms to protect his head.

"What's going on here?"

Finally. Gavin nearly slumped over in relief, but didn't yet dare to lower his arms. He didn't recognize the voice.

"Surely knights of this castle have better things to do than picking on a child.”

There were some grumbling answers, but no real apology. Gavin hadn’t expected one and he was just happy when those two turned around and went back to their patrol. 

“Come on, son. Stand up.” A hand on his back and one wrapped around his arm to pull him up. His belly hurt, but not too bad. He was turned around.

He recognized the man. His face colored in humiliation.

"Lord Lowry."

One of Geoff's court and the holiest man in the city had just seen him like this. Gods above, why didn't the ground beneath open up and swallow him?

Would he tell Geoff about this? Gavin didn't want the King to know how pathetic he had been. Or would Lord Lowry tell anyone else instead? Gavin wasn't sure what the priest thought of him, but he knew that many of the other court members despised him, especially Lady Reese. She would have a field day with this.

"Are you hurt?" Lowry asked him.

"I'm fine. Thank you very much, sire."

Lord Lowry didn't reply, just pulled on his arm to look closer. Gavin took a look as well and pulled a face. His skin was red and he knew it would bruise. It wasn't too bad, nothing that he should worry about and he could just pretend that he had run into something.

"Let me take a look at this."

"No, really. It's okay."

"I insist."

Gavin's mouth snapped shut. He was too awkward to protest further. What if Lowry felt offended by that? He was a very important and influential man, otherwise he wouldn't be part of the King's court and Gavin already had enough enemies there.

So he kinda just followed along when Lord Lowry went ahead. He was led through the unknown passage and down some hallways that were more familiar. When they finally stepped outside again, the heat beat down on them and Gavin had to stifle a groan.

How Lord Lowry didn't die in his dark priest robe was a question he found no answer to. It was made out of velvet by the looks of it and he kinda wanted to touch it, but didn't dare.

Inside the church it was cool. The walls were even higher than back in the library and honestly, Gavin couldn't remember the last time he had been in there. Jack had shown him this place of course, but he wasn't used to a church. Back with his parents there had been none around, so they had just kneeled in front of their beds to pray, not somewhere so fancy.

It was pretty, he knew that.

The huge dome above was beautifully painted, but Gavin couldn't really do much with the pictures. The stained glass windows were his favorite though. There were also pictures there: men with halos, the different Gods, and with the sun so bright outside they drenched everything inside in rainbow colors.

It made his heart beat faster with how pretty it was, but he held back, just followed obediently until Lowry gestured for him to sit down on the first row of pews.

"I'll be right back."

Lowry disappeared through a wooden door and Gavin looked around. The place was intimidating by the sheer size of it and after the heat outside, he was actually growing a bit cold.

There were rows and rows of wooden benches, but nobody but himself inside, which made everything eerier. Not even the candles were burning. If there was no sunlight it would be pitch black inside. Thinking about it, there were some corners that the light didn't touch and the longer he stared at them, the more he was sure that things were hiding there.

It was just his tired mind and his nightmares catching up to him, but he didn't dare to look away, at least not until the door opened again.

Lord Lowry stepped back inside, a basin in his hands and a small pouch hanging from his wrist.

"It's really not bad," Gavin muttered and then jumped because his voice echoed inside of here. He wanted to get back out.

"We wouldn't want a bruise of someone so important to the King, would we?" Lowry asked him as he put his things down and Gavin didn't dare to point out that the bruise was already there and he didn't think there was anything to make it go away.

Instead, he held still and watched Lowry open his pouch. There was an assortment of very, very strange things inside. Some things Gavin didn't recognize, others he did, many of which he didn’t know why someone would want them. There was a long golden chain that Lowry put onto the pew. Gavin fidgeted around nervously.

Lord Lowry noticed and threw him a triumphant little smile before walking back to get even more stuff.

"Put that cloth against your bruise," he called as he disappeared back through the door.

The basin was filled with water and a lonely cloth on its side. Gavin didn't want to touch either. All his hairs on his arm stood on end and he wanted to run away. Something about this place, about how cold and empty it was gave him the creeps, but he couldn't move.

No, Lord Lowry would surely feel offended if he just disappeared. Yet still-

Gavin eyed the golden chain nervously, but before he could get up, Lowry returned.

He was carrying an old, old book. It wasn't very big, the spine was already broken, the edges frayed, and when he opened it some of the ink was nearly too faded to read.

"What did I tell you?" Lord Lowry asked with a nod towards the basin. Gavin could only shake his head. If Lowry cared, he didn't show it, he just turned back to the pages.

There were pictures in it, drawn with ink and coal. Depicting horrifying dark shadows with white eyes, people on spires and others beneath, celebrating. There was blood on naked bodies, painted with strong dark lines and Gavin pressed himself against the back of the bench.

He should just get up and run away, should open his mouth, but he couldn't. His mouth was dry. When he finally pried it open, his words came out weak and shaking.

"I'll get late for my lectures."

Lord Lowry didn't react to it, just put the book down next to the golden chain. There was a whole page taken in by a human face, only that there were manic black lines drawn all over it. It took a moment until Gavin could make out a demonic grimace and it made his heart stop.

"Let's see..." Lowry mumbled to himself.

Gavin slipped from his seat in the desperate hope that the priest wouldn't notice him sneaking away, but instantly his hand darted out and caught him. He was forced to sit back down and stare at the demonic face in the book. He wanted to scream.

Lowry was taking the golden chain in his hand and everything in Gavin wanted to get away, to fight if necessary, but he also knew that he would never dare to raise his hand against this man. Not when he was this important, not if he was part of Geoff‘s court. He could only imagine the fun everyone would have when they heard that he had slapped a priest. The dead boy, Child of Misfortune lashing out against the holiest man of the city.

Still, he had to do-

“Gavin?“

His head spun around and he found Jeremy in the aisle halfway towards them and Gavin had never been so happy in his life to see him.

“Jer-“

“How dare you?“

Lord Lowry was on his feet and the golden chain landed on the floor. He was full out brimming with anger now, and if possible, Gavin tried to make himself even smaller.

“You dare to step foot into this holy place like this?“

Jeremy also cowered and only now did Gavin realize he was wearing his training clothes and obviously sweating. Not what one would expect in a church.

But Jeremy was here and he was his chance to get away. Gavin slipped from the bench and tried to hurry towards Jeremy, only for Lowry to pull him back.

“We‘re not done here,“ he grunted before throwing a dismissive look towards Jeremy. “And you! Out of this church! I should make you scrub every inch you touched!“

Jeremy paled, but he must have noticed Gavin‘s pleading look, the way the fingers dug into his shoulder to hold him back because he didn‘t leave.

“I‘m here to fetch Gavin,“ Jeremy said slowly, tentatively like he wasn‘t sure, but Gavin quickly nodded.

“Right! My lectures! I‘m getting late!“

Lowry‘s hand didn‘t move and he just babbled on. 

”Jack is probably already waiting. Oh, and King Geoff will be there as well. Isn‘t he, Jeremy?“

Now it was Jeremy who nodded wildly.

“King Ramsey was the one who sent me to look for you.“

An obvious lie because Geoff would certainly send a knight or servant to fetch him, but who the fuck cared. Gavin struggled and finally he was free.

He nearly crashed right into Jeremy to get away and now it was Jeremy‘s hand wrapped around his arm to steady him.

“Dead boy.“ Oh no, he didn‘t want to hear it. He didn‘t want Jeremy to hear it either, but he couldn‘t stop Lowry-

“Come and visit me again soon.“

Gavin‘s stomach turned at the thought alone, but he knew he couldn‘t refuse.

“Of course,“ he blurted out, didn‘t even turn around. His eyes were on the sunlight filled courtyard. “Thank you very much for everything.“

They were out and the heat was brimming on the stone plates beneath their boots. Gavin still shivered; next to him Jeremy stared at him out of big eyes.

“What the fuck was that?“ he whispered and Gavin didn’t even know himself. He was just happy to be out of there, but they weren‘t quite through the courtyard yet when Jeremy said, “He‘s watching us. Will he... follow us?“

Oh, by the Gods.

“Because King Ramsey didn‘t ask for you, I was lying about that.“

“We have to hide,“ Gavin told him and maybe that was a bit much, but he was outright terrified right now. He still hadn‘t stopped shaking.

Jeremy threw another look over his shoulder and whatever he saw wasn‘t good because he pressed his lips together.

“Okay.“

The castle was full of shortcuts and hallways that lead everywhere. Gavin knew a fair share of them and it should be easy to lose an old man in the labyrinth. Still, he had the feeling that Lowry‘s eyes were still on him, waiting in the shadows with that horrifying book and his strange tools.

Once they reached the gardens, he felt a bit safer, and there Jeremy took over. It was a space he also knew because Gavin would sometimes take them, if only to amuse Ray.

“Come on, in here.“

They ducked into the bushes at the outer wall of the garden and crouched into the space behind. Ray had found out about this place and here nobody from outside could see them.

Neither of them said a thing, they both just waited. Sure enough, there were steps soon after. There was no way to tell if it was Lord Lowry, Gavin couldn‘t see through the bushes and they were far from the only people in the gardens today... still-

Still he pressed his back against the stone wall like he could phase through and he wasn‘t the only one. Jeremy had his shoulders squared, a hand on his wooden training ax.

They both waited for the hand to reach through and pull them out. Gavin was sure it would happen if he dared to make the tiniest noise. So he sat there and wanted to disappear.

The steps grew distant until they were all gone and only then did Jeremy let go of his weapon. He turned towards him, clearly waiting for an explanation, but for now, Gavin just closed his eyes and let his head hang.

This day was awful. This day was just fucked up. Felt rubbed raw by the last hour alone.

Jeremy‘s hand on his arm startled him and he flinched away.

“Did he hurt you?“ Jeremy asked, and when Gavin looked down at himself, he noticed the bruise. It wasn‘t from Lowry, it was from the knights with the lance, but he didn‘t dare to admit that. No, his throat felt too tight, so he just shook his head.

Jeremy didn‘t believe him, he could see the doubtful glance he shot him, but he let it be for now. Just leaned against the wall as well with a sigh.

They sat there in silence for the longest time while Gavin tried to force himself back under control. He was still shaking, he knew that Jeremy wanted an explanation, deserved one and also a thank you, but his mind was still reeling.

If he would’ve just stayed in the library, but there had been Jack, and Jack hadn’t believed him. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut about that drought, should’ve stayed hidden away like always. He had just seen what would happen otherwise.

When he pulled attention to himself it was bad, and when people noticed him they also remembered how much they hated him for existing. Like he had chosen to fall out of the portal!

Next to him, Jeremy fought with the clasps of his armor and Gavin could only imagine how hot it had to be beneath it. He reached out to help pull it off and Jeremy sighed.

“Oh, thank you. I was sure I would die.”

“There was no one on the training fields,” Gavin remembered. “Were you training on your own?”

“No, no. There’s a training place inside we use on hot days, but it’s not as big, so not everyone can train at once,” Jeremy explained to him. “So we just kinda hang around there until it’s our turn and then we can go. People might collapse when it’s too hot, so we don’t train for too long.”

He turned towards him, his eyes still wide in wonder. 

“I was on my way back when I saw you go into the church and I didn’t go back yet. People tend to drink when they have short days like this and it’s annoying, so I figured I’d wait for you. But you didn’t come back out.”

“Lord Lowry wouldn’t let me,” he muttered and suddenly he felt ashamed. Surely Jeremy must think him weak, he hadn’t even dared to tell Lowry to fuck off or really try to run away. No, he had just sat there like a stupid little child and let it happen.

“Should we tell Lord Patillo about this?” Jeremy asked instead, but Gavin quickly shook his head.

“We can’t.” Because Jack already didn’t believe him and would think him even weirder. Jack had always been nice and lovely to him, but if he made too much trouble like today, he might get fed up with him and he might just sway Geoff enough to think so as well.

“Are you sure?” Jeremy asked carefully and his hand brushed against his arm. 

“Lord Lowry is a very important man and part of Geoff’s court.”

“I’m sure the King would tell him to fuck off! He likes you!”

“But then Lord Lowry could mention it in his next sermon and so many people would hear it. They would all get angry at me.”

Gavin’s shoulders slumped when he realized that there was no way out for him. He would just have to endure and that made him impossibly tired.

Even Jeremy had fallen quiet now as he tried to work through it himself, but he didn’t seem to come up with anything either. In the end he just huffed, annoyed and promptly laid down.

It was a small space here behind the bushes and with their usual group of four it would be a tight fit, but like this, it worked. For the first time, Gavin actually took this place in.

Thanks to the high wall at their back the sun didn’t reach here and it was actually cool in the shade. Not the same as in the church, way more pleasant even, and after some hesitation Gavin laid down as well.

Up was only the blue, blue sky with no cloud in sight and around he could hear distant voices, people visiting the gardens and guards quietly complaining over the temperature. There were also insects and little birds, he could hear them sing and that was nice. Yeah, it was peaceful here.

“Do you think a nap would help?” Jeremy asked him, and Gavin snorted.

“How would a nap help?”

“I don’t know. Naps are nice.”

Gavin didn’t think naps were nice. Sleeping, in general, was terrifying and just thinking about the night made anxiety claw in his chest, but when he turned his head, Jeremy already had his eyes closed. Just like that, as if it wasn’t a big deal and Gavin envied him.

If he fell asleep now he would dream, and his dreams would be awful and terrifying and he would thrash around. He was absolutely sure when he closed his eyes there would be that picture from Lowry’s book waiting, the human face with the demonic grimace drawn all over it, and Gavin might just scream then. If he hadn’t scared Jeremy away by now, that would surely do it and Gavin didn’t want that.

Maybe he didn’t remember Jeremy, not in the same way he did with Michael and Ray, but that’s what he liked about him anyway. Jeremy was full of surprises. Someone new and exciting. Jeremy had come into the church today to look for him and had hid with him here, no question asked.

Gavin opened his mouth to thank him, but Jeremy was breathing so evenly that he feared he was already asleep and he didn’t want to wake him. So he just turned onto his side to watch him, him and the bushes around and the wind that picked up a little, bringing blessed, fresh air. No one was here, no one that would throw him around, and no one with scary books.

They were hidden away and it was good like that.

“Gavin? Gav?”

He opened his eyes and blinked up to Jeremy.

“I have to go back for dinner.”

“What?”

“It’s getting late,” Jeremy said. He reached up to rub his face and his hair was all tussled. “We dozed for a little too long.”

It was certainly darker now and the oppressive heat from before was gone. For a moment he was still disorientated and slightly dizzy when he looked around. They were still in their little hiding space behind the bushes. Groggily Gavin sat up. 

“I fell asleep?” It was a question because he didn't sleep. He couldn’t remember the last time he had taken a nap, let alone sleep without feeling like someone had dragged him through the kingdom afterward. Jeremy was still with him too. Jeremy hadn’t run away, so he hadn’t thrashed around, and he also couldn’t remember any bad dreams. Honestly, it was pretty impressive.

Maybe he should sleep outside more often.

“There’s a bug in your hair.”

Nevermind.

“Get it out! Jeremy, quickly!”

Jeremy laughed as he combed through Gavin’s hair and then flicked the bug away into the grass around. He got up then, brushing himself off and held his hand out for Gavin to take.

“Come on, I really have to get back. If I miss dinner there won’t be anything until breakfast and I’m starving.”

Thinking about it, Gavin was as well. Jeremy pulled him up and together they pushed through the bushes until they could see the path again. Before hurrying there, Jeremy actually took a moment to look around and that reminded Gavin of what had happened and why they had hid away in the first place.

“I’ll take you to the castle,” Jeremy told him and already reached for his arm to pull him along, but Gavin quickly shook his head.

That was the complete opposite direction Jeremy had to take and it really was late, the sun was already gone and Jeremy was right, if he missed dinner that was it. 

“Seriously, it’s not a problem.”

“I’ll be fine,” Gavin assured him. “Also Ray and Michael are probably looking for us. You should tell them we’re fine.” 

Jeremy was still on the fence about it, but over the distance, Gavin could hear the dinner bell and gave him a little shove.

“Go now.”

“If you’re sure…”

“I am. Please, Jeremy?”

And he finally gave in. Sweet Jeremy who hadn’t even been back to his barracks after training, who had rather stayed with him and now just gave him a quick wave, with his armor slung over his shoulder.

Gavin watched him leave for a moment before he hurried after and wrapped his arms around him. It was… awkward. He hadn’t thought it through and he had his face pressed against Jeremy’s shoulders because he was hugging him from behind and usually you didn’t do that. Also he had startled Jeremy, who had actually jumped and Gavin felt his face heat up.

Still, he squeezed especially tight before stepping back.

“Thanks,” he blurted out because he hadn’t said it before; it still wasn’t even a proper appreciation. After today Jeremy deserved more, but he didn’t have anything to give.

Jeremy just stared at him for a moment before Gavin blurted out, “So yeah… see you tomorrow!”

That made him laugh and Gavin relaxed a little.

“See you tomorrow, Gav.”

He waved Jeremy goodbye before turning around. The hallways of the castle were still busy, but only because a large portion of people were hurrying towards the dining hall.

It was easy to slip past them and most didn’t so much as glance at him. On the upper levels it grew quieter and he was ready to barge right into the throne room, when he was stopped.

It was one of Geoff’s regular guards, a woman named Emmy, and Gavin actually liked her. She was always nice to him, even when Geoff wasn’t around.

“King Ramsey left half an hour ago,” she told him. That was strange, it wasn’t that late. It was the usual time for him to head back after meeting with the others and usually he would meet with Geoff here before having dinner together.

“Where did he go?”

“The sitting room one floor above us.”

“Okay, I’ll go look for him.”

Emmy smiled at him before taking her place next to the throne room again. The second guard, one that Gavin wasn’t as familiar with threw her a small glance, but Gavin didn’t wait for a reaction. Turning around, he headed towards the staircase, but he wasn’t fast enough.

“You shouldn’t talk to him-”

“He’s just a child.”

“He was dead!”

Gavin began to run until his steps drowned out the voices and he reached the upper floor. The sitting room up here was small, he didn’t think more than five people could fit in there comfortably, but he didn’t think Geoff had mentioned any meetings this late at night. So maybe it was just him and Jack, discussing something, but when Gavin entered the hallway he noticed two guards next to the door.

Huh, maybe this was more important than he had thought.

They also noticed him and one turned around to open the door and stick their head inside. That wasn’t needed, Gavin could easily wait until Geoff was done with whatever he was doing, but he didn’t dare to tell them. It was too late anyway because just a few seconds later the door was pushed open and Jack hurried outside.

Jack was not amused.

His face was actually scary, even if it softened when his eyes fell on Gavin and still he took a step back.

“Have you any idea how much we worried about you?” Jack asked him and grasped his shoulder. Not hard, but Gavin still jumped.

“You can’t just run away like this without telling us where you’re going! I was searching everywhere for you!”

“I-”

“Not even Michael or Ray knew where you were! I was worried sick about you!”

“I was with Jeremy,” Gavin said. “We were… playing in the garden.”

Jack relaxed, but only until he noticed the bruise on his arm. By now it was dark and a steady contrast to his tan skin.

“We were just messing around,” Gavin blurted out, the first excuse he could think off and Jack exhaled slowly.

“Fine. Come inside. Geoff was going insane.”

Oh… he hadn’t thought about that. Granted, he had run away and just disappeared for a few hours, but he hadn’t expected that to have such an effect.

Jack steered him into the sitting room and besides Geoff, there were two strangers inside. He barely glanced at them because Geoff sat on the other side of the small table and his shoulders visibly relaxed when he saw him. Geoff reached his hand out and Gavin hurried to take it and was pulled in.

“There you are,” Geoff mumbled, words that didn’t even bother to convey his true feelings because Gavin was pulled onto his lap, something that he never did when others were around. But here he was, a protective arm wrapped around him as he leaned against Geoff’s chest.

The table in front of him was full of documents, and to his shock, that damn book as well. That damn book from his lectures that had started his godawful afternoon. He squirmed a little, but Geoff quickly shushed him down.

The two strangers were watching them, the woman with obvious disgust, and now as Gavin took a closer look he actually recognized the man. Reyson, one of Geoff’s court, and oh no, that wasn’t good. The court didn’t like him, so he tried to hide further into Geoff’s embrace.

“What you’re trying to say is that the area above our border to Agptek would not be prepared,” Geoff continued whatever conversation he was having beforehand. His voice was surprisingly cold, something that Gavin didn’t hear often and he began to nervously play with the ends of his scarf.

“That area has enough supplies to last them through the summer, my liege. Just like every year,” Lord Reyson said.

“Would it last them through a drought? That is the question I’m asking.”

Lord Reyson huffed, but it was the woman who stepped ahead.

“With all due respect, my liege. There is no drought!”

“There was one eight years ago.”

“That doesn’t mean-”

“And eight years before that,” Geoff interrupted her without missing a beat. “Not to forget the eight years before  _ that _ . Jack? Does that sound like a pattern to you, because it sounds like one to me.”

“It does, my liege.”

“And wouldn’t you say that those in charge of agriculture should’ve noticed that before oh, let’s say… a nine year old?”

Gavin actually jumped at that, even more so when the eyes of the woman darted to him. They were filled with more anger than Gavin could handle after such a day and he quickly tried to hide his face in the crook of Geoff’s neck.

“Don’t you dare,” Geoff barked and by the Gods, Gavin couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Geoff this angry. Not at him though, no, there was a calm hand on top of his head as if to shield him. “You will not blame a child for your own incompetence! This is all your own doing!”

There was a loaded silence in the room and Gavin didn’t dare to open his eyes. He was holding on tightly to Geoff’s tunic and wished he hadn’t come in here in the first place. What was even happening?

“Of course, your Royal Highness. I apologize for my mistake,” the woman finally whispered.

“Then go and fix it.”

“As you wish.”

The two of them left the room with a deep bow, but the anger still lingered. He could feel it on his skin as if they were still staring at him, as if they just waited until they got him alone.

If Geoff noticed, he didn’t mention it. All he did was pull Gavin closer and sigh in his hair.

“Don’t scare me like that and just run away,” he muttered, and Gavin’s heart sank. He didn’t want to make Geoff sad.

“I was in the gardens with Jeremy.”

“That’s fine, that’s totally okay, buddy. You can play with your friends, but let us know where you are. Can we do that?”

Gavin nodded quickly. 

“Sorry.”

Geoff just pressed a kiss against the top of his head and then a hand laid on his leg. It was Jack who sat down next to them now.

“Sorry for not properly listening before. I didn’t want to upset you.”

That made Gavin squirm and his eyes darted to the book on the table.

“I don’t understand what’s going on,” he admitted, and Jack squeezed his knee.

“After you ran away I checked on the book. You were right, it’s very likely that there will be a drought in that area next year. Did you… piece that together while looking at the records?”

He hadn’t even checked on the records, all he had looked for was the name of the neighboring countries, but he could hardly tell Jack that he had remembered that. He wasn’t even sure himself how that worked, if things had already happened before or if he was just dreaming weird stuff. Also, he didn’t want them to think he was strange. Too many people already did so and because he didn’t fit in they hated him.

If Geoff or Jack would hate him he wouldn’t be able to take it.

“Yeah,” he finally said and hoped it didn’t sound as unsure as he felt.

“See!” Geoff called out and promptly lifted him up like he weighed nothing. “I told you he’s smart as dicks! My smart little buddy!”

“Are dicks smart?” Gavin asked and sent Geoff into a fit of giggles.

“They are not. Oh Gav, they are certainly the thing that makes the worst decisions!”

“Geoff,” Jack tried to chastise him, but now Gavin was absolutely confused.

“So you’re calling me stupid?”

“Absolutely not! You are the smartest dick in this castle! Maybe after myse-”

“Geoff!”

“Alright, alright. Let’s forget about dicks, that’s a conversation for the future. One you will have with Jack by the way.” Gavin was let go and while he still didn’t fully understand, Geoff was beaming at him and so he grinned back.

“All I’m saying is good job, buddy! We always need more smart people in this kingdom! Right, Jack?”

Gavin turned towards Jack, but the other didn’t look as sure about the whole thing. He was also smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Before Gavin could worry about that, he was picked up again, only this time to be spun around and he couldn’t help but squeal in delight.

“Gavin, if you continue to be this smart I have big plans! Big plans, I’m telling you!”   
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's useless to cry about some things, love. When a choice has been made you have to see it through. Stick to it because good things come to those who work hard."

Chapter 4

Michael brought his sword down but Ray parried with his own. The impact traveled up to his shoulder, but it was Ray’s arm that buckled under the blow. One more strike and Michael would break through and win, but before he could pull his weapon back, Ray jumped out of reach.

Fast little shit; that was one thing Michael couldn’t keep up with, and it had only grown worse now that Ray used a more slender sword. Less weight made him more mobile and it wasn’t like their trainer hadn’t advised him of that before, but Ray had never listened. Ray had wanted to use the same weapon as him to get some much needed strength behind his strikes.

Only when Gavin had told him to use a rapier did Ray finally consider it. It was strange; in the beginning Ray had been so afraid of the dead boy, but now his words held some strange kind of power over him. Must have been the rumors.

Fortune teller.

Gavin always laughed when he heard that, but it wasn’t a very happy laugh.

Michael charged ahead to close the distance between him and Ray. Swinging his sword with all his strength to finish this battle.

Ray ducked beneath his strike and his sword hit a whole lot of nothing. Even worse, it left his side completely open and Ray cried out with his next swing. And for a moment, for a terrifying second Michael was sure it would connect, might just knock him out, and he would lose.

He wasn’t allowed to lose.

Michael brought his knee up and crashed it into Ray’s face.

With a shout Ray hit the ground hard enough to make dust rise, his sword flying from his hand, and Michael relaxed.

Thank the Gods. Not very elegant, but it got the job done.

Beneath him, Ray groaned. For a moment Michael just stared down at him, catching his breath and just a little shaken up with how close that had been. That all stopped when Ray raised his head and coughed blood onto the packed dirt.

“Fuck.” Michael let his sword fall and kneeled down next to him, helping him up. “Shit, Ray. You alright?”

“Nearly had you!” Ray called out as if that was the most important thing right now, before he turned around and spat out a glob of saliva and blood. “I think I bit my cheek.”

Not only that but his lip was also split and Ray jumped when he reached out to touch it. It tugged on Michael’s heartstrings and he was on his feet a second later. There was a well close by with a couple of rags they used to wash up after training and he was on the way there when Ray called to him, “Don’t you dare give me one of those. I’m fine, Michael!”

And even though he said that, Michael nearly refused. Ray had sat up and still looked a bit dizzy with blood on his chin, but he waved Michael closer. So he sat down with him and took his face in his hands to take a closer look. Ray just rolled his eyes at him.

“Like I said, I’m fine.”

“I didn’t mean to kick you that hard.” Which was a half-lie. He hadn’t meant to hurt Ray, but the thought of losing had been powerful and he had just reacted.

“Are your teeth alright? I didn’t knock one lo-”

“By the Gods, Michael.” Ray slapped his hands away, his cheeks bright red. “You didn’t break me.”

Right. Right, he needed to calm down. Dropping his hands into his lap, he let Ray watch him. In the beginning, he had shied away from that, but it was Ray, and Ray was his best friend.

“You’ve been off the whole day.”

He knew that. He was more aggressive than usual, lashed out easily, during lessons he might have gone a bit too far to show the others their places. Usually that didn’t slip into his training with Ray, but today it had.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

It was late, the sun was already starting to set and he knew that both Jeremy and Gavin would look for them soon. Today he wasn’t sure if he wanted to see them, maybe it would be better if he’d head to the barracks early.

Ray stopped him from running away though. He scooted over the dirt until he could lean his back against Michael’s like that would pin him down. It did.

“Was that letter from your family?” he asked, and Michael sighed.

“Yeah…”

He shouldn’t complain about this, least of all to Ray. At least he got some letters from home, he couldn’t remember Ray ever getting anything. As far as Michael knew, Ray’s parents were farmers and couldn’t be bothered to feed him properly, so they had sent their only child here. Out of sight and out of mind and with the slight hope that one day Ray would rise enough in the ranks to send some coins home. Not too far; commoners couldn’t get far within the warriors no matter their talent, but he didn’t think Ray was bothered by that.

No, Ray had shrugged it off like so many other things, and Michael envied him for that. He should do so as well.

Make your choice and stick to it, that was what his mother had always told him. If he’d get it through his thick skull, things would be easier.

Ray leaned his head against his, pushing him down, and that was fine. That way he could look down at his hands, rough and calloused.

“Someone must have told them about Gavin. It was only a matter of time, I guess,” Michael said.

“They told you to stay away from him?”

“No,” he admitted. “They didn’t care.”

But that wasn’t quite so, they had called it a chance. The Child of Misfortune, someone so tightly entwined with the King. Being close to him meant being close to the King, could mean fame and glory for his name. Just in case he wasn’t cut out to be a warrior, if he didn’t train enough, if he failed the one thing he was sent here to do.

Ray hummed in lack of a better answer and Michael could feel his head turn towards the castle.

“The others are coming,” he mumbled, and Michael could hear them as well. With a sigh, he shrugged Ray from himself and got up. Reaching his hand out, he pulled Ray up as well, and the other was grinning at him, blood on his lips and smeared over his chin.

Gavin called for them the moment he saw them and just like every day Jeremy was by his side.

“Gav!“ Ray called back. “Look what Michael did to me!“

“Little shit,“ Michael whispered, but only got a soft laugh as an answer.

“Oh no, you‘re bleeding!” Gavin had reached them and fussed over Ray. “Michael, why did you do that, Michael?”

“Yeah Michael, don‘t be such a brute, Michael,” Ray threw in and winked at him. It turned into a wince when Gavin pressed his sleeve against his split lip.

Sweet revenge.

“Did he make you mad?” Jeremy asked Michael. He had reached them now and stopped next to him. Did Jeremy know how fondly he was looking at the other two? Michael wasn‘t sure.

“If I was mad at him he wouldn‘t be left standing,” Michael told him. “Ray just needs to work on his defense.”

“Fuck you, Michael! I nearly ha- ow! Gav, careful!”

Gavin gagged when he noticed the blood now on his sleeve because that was apparently something he hadn‘t seen coming. Ray pushed him away to not get thrown up on.

Michael reached out to steady him and Gavin looked up at him, grinning.

Child of Misfortune.

Michael didn‘t know what that meant, how much truth was in that title, but he did know that right now he was touching clothing that cost more than all his possessions. Made out of unknown fabric and probably would have never touched if it wasn‘t for Gavin.

A chance.

“You ready for another fight?” Jeremy asked him and of course he was, he always would be.

“Ray‘s face didn‘t scare you off?”

Jeremy laughed and already reached for his axes. “Ray‘s face scares me every day. Doesn‘t mean I‘ll stop.”

“Fuck both of you!” Ray called after him, and with a snort Michael went and picked up his sword. His day wasn‘t over yet.

Michael was born on the border to Rhyst. His family had once acted as ambassadors between the two countries, but with the long peace, they weren’t needed anymore. So over time, their money had run out, and even though his family had owned large acres of land, his father had sold most of it.

His mother wasn‘t happy about it. She had been promised riches upon marrying him, but now they had mostly lost everything. Michael had listened to that story countless times as he sat by her feet. 

His mother had a small chamber where she would sit in her rocking chair and sew. It was one of his favorite memories of home because inside it was warm and even though his mother had often chastised him for ripping his clothes, she had never been truly angry. No, she would sit in her chair and hum to herself as she worked. Michael had played by her feet or watched her quick handiwork.

When he got older the humming had grown rare and her constant complaining grew louder. When she was like this her stitches were too far apart and uneven. Michael didn‘t like that as much.

When he thought back to his home, he remembered empty hallways and rooms. Compared to the castle now, his home had been small, but he knew it was actually massive. It was a mansion with dozens of rooms,quarters, and a stretched out garden. Sometimes Michael had dreamed of getting lost inside and nobody would notice him missing.

During the winter they would lock whole parts of the mansion up because it was hard to keep them warm, and when Michael dared to sneak into those areas, he could see frost paint flowers on the windows.

It should be a paradise, an endless amount of running around and playing hide and seek. The garden had a little stream running through it. Michael had spent countless hours catching insects there, sometimes even a big frog, but there was no one he could show it to.

There was his father, who was mostly away, and then there was his mother who was bitter; besides them, there was an old cook, who was hard of hearing, and a single maid. She was always so busy that Michael didn‘t even bother asking her to spend time with him.

There was no one to chase around the halls and no one that searched for him when he went to hide and the one time he had brought a big old frog inside, his mother had cursed and told him to get it out.

There weren‘t even any guests visiting them because nobody was supposed to know how empty their house was. How were they supposed to fill all those rooms then?

It would take a few years until he would start to understand that his mother was ashamed of their position. His father was gone for long stretches of time and according to him, he was on important business, but not even Michael believed that.

No, he was running away, just like his mother always said when she let her needle work.

He didn‘t think his parents loved each other very much.

One day his father came back from one of his long journeys and told him that he would head to the capital. At first Michael found that exciting! He had never left their city and he would be able to see the castle then!

That was until he understood he was going alone, that he would be sent off with some stranger and was meant to stay there.

That wasn‘t what he wanted.

“You can become a soldier or a knight of the King,” his mother had told him. She had been sitting in her chair, but for once her hands were busy with stroking through his hair because he was crying against her skirt. “A big hero! Like in your favorite stories!”

He didn‘t want to be a big hero. Not if it meant he would leave everything he knew behind because Michael was five years old; lonely and scared.

"You can make a lot of money."

Ah. Even in his young mind, he understood that this was what it was actually about. They were in desperate need of money and whatever his father was doing, it wasn't working.

"Listen, Michael."

And she took his hands in hers, making him look up at him, and he always thought her beautiful. She was! Sitting in her chair with the winter sun falling in and working away. Looking at her right now broke his heart.

"If you work hard you can come back faster than you'd believe!"

A lie; they both knew it, but he was ready to cling to it.

"It's useless to cry about some things, love. When a choice has been made you have to see it through. Stick to it because good things come to those who work hard."

* * *

"You are actually awful at this."

"I'm not! Michael, don't be mean!" Gavin puffed out his cheeks like that would change a thing.

They were outside the city on a big empty field. It had reminded him of his garden at home, a whole lot of nothing, but enough to run around and play fight. At least he wasn't alone anymore.

No, Gavin had dragged all of them along because the King was having some business close by and Gavin didn't want to go with him on his own. At first, Michael had wanted to protest, thinking he was just going to stand around all day and listen, but this was way better.

He had been wrestling with Jeremy for the better part of the morning and was well aware that he had grass in places that it didn't belong, but it was fun.

Now Ray had found a stream close by and that had left him even more melancholic than before. He watched the water, laying on his front, and was quite bemused with Gavin's attempts to catch some of the insects. With all of his flailing around, he wasn't doing a very good job and even if he did manage to catch them, he would just let go, screeching.

The other two were close by, laying in the sun and in Ray's part, trying to dry his breeches after Gavin had shoved him into the stream.

"You have to be quieter," Michael said.

"I'm so quiet, Michael! I'm not making any noises!" Gavin protested and if that wasn't the biggest lie he had ever heard, he didn't know what was.

"Watch me." He gave him a push so he fell into the grass and stepped up towards the stream.

He hadn't done this in years, just a childhood memory, but right now he might as well be back at home, wondering if his mother was watching from the windows.

"Michael, you're not doing any-"

Darting forward, his hands wrapped around the frog and kept him from jumping away. He lifted them up and even though they felt slimy and cold, he grinned in triumph.

Gavin's eyes went big.

"You got a froggy! You actually got it!"

"Told you."

"Oh, it's so ugly, Michael!"

That made him laugh, and he held still when Gavin came to inspect the frog more closely. He still held enough distance, and good for him because Michael was already considering throwing them at him.

"Geoff told me a story about a prince who was turned into an ugly old frog," Gavin blabbered like he so often did. "The only way to break the curse was to kiss the frog and poof! Prince!"

Raising his brows, Michael held the frog out to him and Gavin pulled such an offended face, that Michael broke into giggles.

"Not me!"

"Of course not." So he let his eyes travel for his next target and sure enough-

"Don't you fucking dare," Ray threatened him, but couldn't even get on his feet to run away before Michael pushed him down and straddled him.

"Just a little kiss, Ray, and the prince is yours!"

"I don't need a freaking prince, get off of me!"

Behind them Gavin was screeching while Ray tried uselessly to push him off. Michael grinned down to him and the moment he moved the poor struggling frog closer, Ray quickly clasped his hands in front of his mouth. Didn't mean he couldn't glare at him though.

"I'll do it!"

If possible Michael's grin grew even wider. Good old Jeremy, always up for a challenge.

"My hero!" Ray called behind his hands because he wouldn't let his guard down right now. No, he knew Michael too well for that.

"Do it then," Michael dared.

Jeremy was sitting down next to them, something fierce in his eyes. It disappeared when Michael actually held the frog out to him and he got a closer look at it.

Michael waited patiently and when Jeremy glanced up to him he just shrugged.

"I mean, you can back down if you're scared."

Those were the magical words and they all watched in breathless anticipation as Jeremy leaned forward and then actually pressed his lips against the slimy frog.

Somewhere behind him, Gavin full out screamed and Michael could feel Ray shake with laughter beneath him.

Wow, he hadn't thought Jeremy would follow through. Ballsy.

The look of regret on Jeremy's face though? Totally worth it.

"What are you boys doing?"

It grew very, very quiet among them. Michael didn't even dare to turn around because he had recognized the voice and by the way Jeremy in front of him blanched, he had as well.

All of them had seen the King occasionally. They were working in the castle after all and were good friends with Gavin. Usually, it was Lord Patillo who would interact with them while fetching Gavin for a lecture, but here and there they had caught glimpses of the King.

Even today, they had traveled alongside him, but in a different carriage.

Now King Geoffrey Ramsey was standing a few feet away. Michael had often imagined their first official meeting. Usually him being honored in some way, as the best warrior out there or something.

Not necessarily while he had grass sticking in his hair, straddling Ray and holding out a frog to Jeremy. A frog that now escaped his slack grip to hop into Jeremy's lap and then off into the grass around them.

"Geoff!" Gavin ran passed them like this was the most normal fucking thing and pulled on the King's cloak. "Michael caught a frog and Jeremy kissed them, but they didn't turn into a prince!"

"That sounds to me like you just caught a normal frog," Geoff explained to him. "I'd suggest trying it a couple more times."

Gavin turned towards them with a shit-eating grin; yet Michael's heartbeat picked up for entirely different reasons then future frog-kissing.

Something about the way the sunlight hit the King's clothes and made them shine or how the beams reflected from his crown. That was real gold, Michael was sure of it, and a part of him wanted to touch it and another was too scared - like it wasn't meant for hands like his.

That was the King in front of him, the ruler of everything he had ever seen and even beyond. A man larger than life, and next to him was Gavin, holding on to him like he was used to it. Somehow he did belong, fitted right into the picture in front of him.

Ray shoved against his chest and that snapped him out of his staring. Right-

He scrambled onto his feet, pulling Ray along with him until they both stood. Jeremy was a little faster, a hand tightly pressed over his chest just like they had learned.

"Long live King Ramsey!"

They bowed, all three of them, and Michael could feel his heart beat wildly. If this man in front of him wanted to stop it, he could, and somehow he was willing to let that happen.

"Oh dear," King Ramsey mumbled. "Stand back up, boys! You're here to play, not as my men."

Michael glanced towards the other two, but neither of them moved, so he didn't either. Like this was a test and oh, how horrible it would be to offend the King!

Gavin was watching them out of big eyes, like he couldn't understand what they were doing, but then Geoff turned towards him.

"The meetings will take some time longer because we're still waiting for someone to arrive," he explained. "I can arrange a carriage to take you guys back to the castle now, but it rather looks like you four were having fun out here."

"We can stay a little longer?" Gavin asked hopefully.

"It's still quite some time until night falls, so I won't mind. But promise me to stay here where I can find you easily."

"We can do that!" Gavin promised and Geoff reached down to run a hand through his messy hair. He picked some pieces of grass out of it with a laugh.

"Then it's settled. Michael?"

Michael's heart  _ stopped.  _ He stood to attention, his hand grasping his chest like a lifeline.

"My liege," he managed to respond, but it was breathy and quieter than usual.

The King knew his name.

"Jeremy, Ray," Geoff continued. "There are guards up on the streets, so if anything happens just alert them. Until then I'll leave Gav in your care."

He gave Gavin a fond shove towards them. "Look after him when I'm not around."

Their eyes met, for the briefest of moments Michael dared to look directly at the King as he reached to steady Gavin.

"I will," he promised, one hand still on his chest.

Geoff smiled, but more than anything he looked pleased.

"I'm counting on you then."

* * *

It was pitch black, but neither of them stopped. They couldn't, not when he knew what horror lay behind them, but his legs were getting oh so tired- 

The stairs they followed into the belly of this darkness were narrow and he was so scared to trip and fall, to twist his ankle and not be able to go on. His heart was beating so hard. Something awful had happened; neither dared to talk of it. He held on tighter to the hand pulling him along.

Soon he would be able to see the person again, he could see the slits of light up ahead. No, not slits. Now that he looked closer they were eyes letting light in and there it was, the bright red of the cape in front of him.

For the first time, he thought he might recognize it. A searing pain raced through his mind and he opened his mouth to call out, but then the cape was green. The same green as he was wearing; Geoff's green, but it wasn't Geoff.

No, he was pretty sure-

"Ray?"

"Gavin?"

He startled awake upon being called and stared ahead. His heart was still slamming in his chest and for a second he felt like this dream hadn't been pointless. Ray had replied to him, right?

"Gav?"

Jack, not Ray.

Gavin sat up and blinked against the harsh sunlight. Jack was standing by the door and the worry was clear on his face when he came closer.

"What's wrong?" Gavin mumbled and rubbed his face. His cheek hurt and with a look down, he realized he had slept on one of the books he'd been reading.

"You missed breakfast," Jack told him, and then his hand was already pressed against his forehead.

"How late is it?"

"Nearly 10 am."

"What?"

"Geoff checked on you before, but we decided to let you sleep," Jack explained while sitting down on the edge of his bed. "But you were talking in your sleep again. Did you have another nightmare?"

He had, but this time he nearly wished he could go back. He wanted to know if this person in the dark would turn their head, would actually wear the face of one of his friends.

The book on his sheets was picked up and put on top of the others on his bedside table. Jack pulled a face when he studied them.

"You have the same fascination with fairytales as Geoff. Don't you think you would dream more pleasant things if you didn't read this creepy stuff?"

"They aren't fairytales," Gavin protested, not for the first time.

"Demons and creatures of the night aren't real things."

"Those are old legends of this kingdom. Aren't you the one who said that there is a bit of truth in every story?"

"Only if you can distinguish between what's fiction and what's reality. You might still be a bit too young for that."

Gavin rolled his eyes. He was eleven years old now, not a little child anymore!

"To learn about a kingdom is to learn what they believe in," he quoted Jack right back at him and pointed to the books. "There wouldn't be so many of those stories if people didn't believe in those things to some extent!"

Jack hummed thoughtfully before looking pointedly at the door. The key was hanging on a hook next to it and Gavin blushed.

"If you are able to know what's fiction, I wonder why there's some kind of fabric stuck in the keyhole. Might it be because Nachtalbs are supposed to come through there?"

Gavin fidgeted around, but when Jack looked at him, clearly amused and not mad he gave in.

"Maybe... Nachtalbs bring bad dreams."

And he had a lot of those, which just reminded him of the person with the red or green cape. He had been too close, he really believed that they would've turned their head just a moment later and he would be able to see who it was.

Could he call them again next time?

"If you want to learn about the beliefs of this kingdom so much, we can check out the church. Maybe Lord Lowry has time and can answer your questions."

Gavin froze and pulled his legs against his chest. He didn't like to think about the priest, not even in the safety of his own room. Nothing bad had happened since that one day, but he also made sure that he was always surrounded by someone on the castle grounds and never stopped on his way when he was alone. Even then he could feel Lowry's eyes on him whenever their paths crossed. 

"Will you stay with me?" Gavin asked carefully because he didn't want to face Lowry alone. No way, he would rather run away.

"Of course, buddy."

And Jack was smart and picked up on things, he had to know that Lowry wasn't the biggest fan of him even if Gavin had never told him or Geoff about that awful day two years ago. No, he would rather take that to his grave than tell them about all those awful words people would throw at him.

They knew enough already and Gavin tried to ignore the shame that came with it. 

"Come on, get up," Jack told him with a clap to his knee. "You should have breakfast before we begin your lectures."

The church was prettier than he remembered. There were still dark corners, but now with most of the candles lit, everything was brighter. The stained glass windows bathed them in colorful light and the altar towered over all of them.

"Look who's visiting little old me." Lord Lowry's voice sent a shiver down his spine and he pressed closer to Jack. The priest was coming through the same wooden door he had disappeared all those years ago to fetch his scary supplies. Today he was just carrying a book, but his eyes were cold enough to scare him.

"It's the little fortune teller."

Right, his new nickname. The drought had come just like he had said and while they had kept quiet about it, rumors soon had begun to spread. 

The dead boy who had looked into the future, the King's own little fortune teller.

Geoff was horribly amused by that spiel and Gavin figured he didn't mind it as much. Fortune teller was a better name than Child of Misfortune.

Jack's hand laid on his shoulder and Gavin relaxed. Right now he was safe.

Lord Lowry was willing to show them the church, even the rooms that were hidden behind that single wooden door. It wasn't much, the usual amenities, but deep inside was a sitting room, filled with shelves of books. They were so old that Gavin was scared they would fall apart if he touched them, but he was too intrigued to let that stop him.

There were demonic faces on those old pages, creatures he had never heard of, and there was a whole section with old torture devices.

"People who would despise the Gods would be burned," Lord Lowry told him as if Gavin's fantasy needed more fuel. The priest was standing too close to him, he could smell him, hard not to in the little room. 

Yet the proximity brought him a familiar sight. The disturbing man had golden chains in his possession that caught the eye. 

"What about those?" he asked.

"They are used to keep demons out," Lord Lowry told him and if possible his eyes grew hungrier. "They react to those that carry creatures on their shoulders that don't belong in the realm of the Gods. It forces them out, making the host scream themself hoarse and immobilize them. It's a sure way to tell who's human and who just acts like it."

Lord Lowry reached for the bindings and Gavin had no illusion that the priest would bind them around his wrist, would want to watch him scream. Fuck, a part of him was pretty sure Lord Lowry wanted to watch him burn.

Behind them, Jack cleared his throat and that seemed to pull Lowry back to reality.

Gavin held his gaze. Even though he felt sick with what he had seen here today, with what he had learned, he knew this was important. He had to know who his enemies were and he was standing right in front of one now.

"Why don't we go upstairs again," Jack offered. "We can look at the official teachings some more. Gavin, did you take the architecture of the grande hall in?"

He hadn't and he didn't quite care. Instead, he let his eyes wander over the books and was surprised by his own hunger. Thanks to Geoff and Jack he was allowed to take any book from the library with him, but he didn't think he would find those there.

Lord Lowry noticed and nearly laughed, "Come back any time you want, dead boy. I might allow you to study those writings within the walls of the church."

He wouldn't, that would be stupid of him, but he figured he could learn a lot from them. Maybe Geoff could help him with that.

"With all due respect, Lord Lowry, but I think that is hardly the right reading material for a child."

Jack's voice sounded threatening and he pulled Gavin towards him and away from the priest. When Gavin looked up to him, he nearly had to laugh.

"Jack?"

"What is it, buddy?"

"I think this was counterproductive."

Jack sighed and flicked his nose.

That evening when he met up with Jack and Geoff for dinner, there was a small box on his plate.

"What's that?" he asked as he sat down. The box was made out of light wood with a pretty blue bow around it and when he picked it up, he could hear something shift inside of it.

"A gift because you've been studying so hard," Geoff told him and Gavin beamed at him.

"Really? Can I open it?"

"I don't know if you can."

Rolling his eyes, Gavin pulled on the bow until it unraveled and lifted the lid. Inside was a silver bracelet. Gavin felt a lump form in his throat. He knew this little thing and the feeling was familiar when he picked it up.

That strange déjà vu feeling that had followed him around after he had gotten out of the portal came back full force and he couldn't help but shiver.

The silver was pulled into different arches that merged and branched off from each other before meeting once more at the clasp. There were shards of emeralds wherever they converged, the Ramsey stone, and Gavin carefully let the filigree work run through his fingers.

Both Geoff and Jack were staring at him, clearly waiting for a reaction, but Gavin was scared about what was going to come out of his mouth. Instead, he slipped the bracelet over his wrist. It felt cold but warmed up quickly enough and he let the light catch on it.

A treasure for sure, people would kill for jewelry like this, and here he was, sitting at the table with the King and unable to even get a noise out.

"If you don't like it..." Jack began, and it was unusual to hear him so uncertain about himself. That more than anything snapped Gavin out of it.

"You made it for me," he told him because he knew that. It had happened before, in this faraway dream, and oh, how he had treasured this thing.

Jack appeared surprised at that, but Gavin just pressed his hand against his chest. He could feel his heart pump and there was something at the tip of his tongue, something he nearly remembered.

This bracelet... he had worn it before. Jack had given it to him already in a dream and he didn't know what that meant.

The older he got, the more distant all of that grew, but feeling the cold silver again brought things back. Things that he wasn't sure he had wanted to forget or the time had just wiped or faded from his mind.

Things that had already happened or were supposed to happen and he wasn't sure which of the two it was. 

"Thank you." His voice full of gratitude. Jack had done all that work just for him!. Finally, he looked up from his bracelet, just in time to see Geoff and Jack exchanging a look. There was something else going on here.

"What?"

"First we should eat," Geoff decided and before Gavin could protest, he had already beckoned the servants inside. While the food was served Gavin couldn't leave his fingers from his new jewelry.

It was a familiar feeling, one that calmed him down.

"You don't have to keep it if you don't like it," Jack told him again, but Gavin quickly shook his head.

"I do like it! It's wonderful!"

"Are you sure?"

Jack didn't believe him, but to be fair he had reacted very weirdly.

"Something else is going on," he explained. "It's making me nervous."

"After we eat," Geoff interrupted him and turned to his soup. "I'm fucking starving and I want to hear about your visit to the church today. Jack wasn't very happy with how it went."

"I expected Lord Lowry to teach more about beliefs and the Gods, and not about the rather... rough past," Jack murmured.

"I saw torture devices!"

Geoff nearly choked on his wine.

"He showed you  _ what?" _

"Torture devices," Gavin answered gleefully.

"That creepy bastard!"

"Geoff, Lord Lowry had a collection of really interesting books. Can I read them?"

"I said no," Jack reminded him. "You're way too young for most of the stuff you've been reading." Which was an obvious jab towards Geoff, who had introduced him to such stories in the first place.

"Geoff? Please?"

"You heard Jack. Ask in a few years again."

Gavin rolled his eyes, but let it go. He still had enough books in the library to go through and he was pretty sure Geoff kept some hidden in the castle. Everything that could maybe help him figure things out about his dreams and those strange memories he carried.

They enjoyed their usual small talk during their meal. The harvest festival would be soon, the biggest celebration of the year with booths of pastries and plays in the streets. Last year he and Geoff had sneaked out for a few hours, unrecognized in their old clothes.

It had been fun, though Gavin would also love to visit the festival with his lads one day the thought that someone on the streets would recognize him had always scared him off.

Gavin had nearly forgotten about Geoff's ominous announcement while they ate. At least until the servants cleared the table and Geoff leaned back with a sigh.

"Gavin, there's something we have to talk about," Geoff began and wow if that wording didn't make him anxious enough.

"Did I... do something wrong?"

"No, buddy. Not at all," Jack assured him and reached over the table to put a calming hand on his. "It's rather a change we want to implement and we hope you are fine with the solution we found."

Confused, he shook his head. "I don't- just tell me."

And Geoff was the one for that, cutting straight through the bullshit, "You're not stupid, Gavin. You know not everyone in this castle is alright with you being here."

That was an underestimation and Gavin scoffed.

"More like most of the castle would want me gone."

"I wouldn't go that far-"

"Well, you are not the one who hears it every day, Jack." It came out too rough and that wasn't fair. Jack wasn't at fault here, but that topic made him defensive and he pulled his hand from Jack's.

"So what's your solution?"

"I will appoint a knight to stay by your side no matter where you go," Geoff said and Gavin's heart sank. Someone who would just follow him around all day? Oh, and he knew how most knights thought of him, he could still remember the bruises he carried from some of them.

It had lessened a bit after the drought, but that didn't mean he trusted them.

"I don't like that..." he mumbled.

"What if it's Ray?" Geoff asked him and Gavin looked up.

"Ray?"

"Your friends are nearly done with their training and will join the ranks of our army as knaves. I spoke with their trainers and it looks like all of them are capable of holding their own in a time of crisis. More importantly, you trust them, don't you?"

There was no doubt about that. "I do."

Geoff nodded and turned back to his wine.

"I did consider all three of them, but this position needs a lot of patience and tactfulness. They will join you during your studies, meetings, and will meet the court. You know yourself how... challenging that can be. I figured Ray would be the most fitting candidate for that."

Geoff was right; Ray knew when to keep his mouth shut. He wasn't quite sure if Jeremy, let alone Michael, could do it with some of the shit the court sometimes pulled.

"It will be a very hard job, I will not give you any illusions about that," Geoff continued. "I want Ray to continue his training on the field to stay sharp, but he will also have to learn etiquette to consort with nobility. As your appointed knight he will take care of you and protect you."

"In case I get into danger, Ray would be forced to step in," Gavin said slowly. Again that déjà vu feeling and not only that. For a second his dream from last night came back so clear that he could nearly feel the hand holding his.

"Ray will become your shield. If necessary he would die for you." Geoff was watching him closely over his goblet and Gavin felt a shiver running down his spine.

"That's awful..."

"It's what he agreed on when he became a recruit of this kingdom."

"But-"

"Gavin," Jack interrupted him softly, "that is the worst case scenario here. Also don't you think Ray would be safer by your side than out on a battlefield?"

Right. Probably.

It still made the food in his stomach feel too heavy and it was hard to swallow.

"They already made their choice," Geoff reminded him and that was true. All three of them were proud to serve at the castle, to grow stronger year after year and they knew what they were in for. Gavin knew that as well, but it had only been in theory. When he heard that they would soon be knaves he had been excited. There was no war, but in case there would be... they would be sent out to fight on the battlefield. Soon they wouldn't be considered as children anymore and Gavin also had to grow up.

Taking a deep breath, he nodded.

"Does Ray already know about this?"

"We wanted to hear your decision first. As I said, I would also settle for Jeremy or Michael."

"No, I think both of them would hate it. You are right about Ray." His hand found his new bracelet and played with it to work out his nervous energy. "First I want to talk to Ray about this. Is that alright?"

"Of course." Geoff raised his goblet and Gavin scrambled to do so as well.

"Don't worry too much," he assured him. "It's just a safety measure."

Their goblets clinked together. Gavin wasn’t reassured. 

"Okay."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I had this dream."
> 
> "A dream?" Michael asked, and instantly Gavin shut down.

Chapter 5

"I'm not a noble," Ray told him. He wasn't looking at Gavin, just down at his plate like his slice of cake was to blame.

Gavin had invited him into the castle and now they were sitting on one of the small balconies overlooking the gardens. There was tea and little pastries because Gavin had figured they would be celebrating. This didn't sound like Ray was happy about becoming his appointed knight.

"You don't have to," Gavin backpaddled quickly.

"I'm just not sure if King Ramsey would be alright with that."

"It was Geoff's idea in the first place."

"Does he know that I'm a commoner?"

"That doesn't matter."

Ray huffed, but when he reached for his fork, Gavin noticed how much his hands were shaking. That was new, he had never seen Ray nervous. Usually, he brushed everything off like it didn't matter.

"The fact that I was accepted as a recruit was already a surprise for my parents," he explained.

"Those who want to protect our kingdom deserve our respect no matter their birth, that's what Geoff always says," Gavin told him.

"Gavin..." Ray began and then pulled a face. "I would never go against the King, please know that, but those are just pretty words. I'm well aware that my future would either be protecting some far off village or in the front line of the next battle. There is no loss for the kingdom if I die."

That was a horrible thing to say and Gavin hated hearing it. Before he could protest though, Ray shook his head.

"The other two are way more talented than me, we both know that. Jeremy could probably break me in half and Michael basically made a hobby out of it."

"My appointed knight needs more finesse than just being strong," Gavin retorted.

Humming, Ray lifted his fork to be on eye level with him. He was staring at the piece of cake like he wanted to make sure it was real. 

"This isn't a joke, right? Because that would be very cruel."

"I'm serious."

With a sigh, Ray finally put the fork in his mouth and turned to look over the view they had. Beneath them, the gardens stretched on nearly endlessly and they could watch people walk the different paths, talking, laughing, and some courting. It was the height of summer, but still early enough for them to not be too bothered by the heat. It was pretty, but Gavin couldn't enjoy the artistically planted flowers.

"To this day this place blows my mind," Ray continued.

"The gardens?"

"The castle, the town, the food - everything." He put his fork down and pointed towards the table. "All of this right here... everyone in our village would probably kill for that. This is the first time I have ever had cake."

Gavin sat up and quickly pushed his own plate towards him, but Ray laughed and shook his head.

"It's fine, please eat! I just want you to understand that you will gain nothing through me. No heritage, or pure blood, or so much as a name. All my family owns are two fields that barely grow anything and a handful of animals. Me being by your side will only sully your image."

Gavin balled his hands to fists. That was all new, he hadn't known that Ray thought so lowly of his place in the castle.

"All my family had was a little hut," he began, and that was something he hadn't thought about for a long, long time. "It was always cold inside and even the fire couldn't get rid of the chill. There was a garden my mother dug herself to grow vegetables and that was it. It was always dark and dirty and there wasn't enough space for all of us."

Ray was watching him out of the corner of his eye and Gavin knew that this wasn't something he had ever brought up, that Ray had to be eternally curious about what had happened before the portal.

"Neither of us is there anymore. We're both sitting here, having tea."

"It's good tea," Ray agreed. "The cake is nice as well."

"We'll have tea time every day!" Gavin promised, and that made Ray laugh again. His laugh was nice, even more so after their gloomy topics before, and Gavin's heart grew a bit lighter.

"I mean, that's all you had to say in the first place!"

For Gavin nothing big changed and neither of the horrible things he had feared would happen, did. Ray was granted a room next to his own and both of them would spend the day together. Wherever Gavin had to go, Ray was right there with him and it was  _ fun. _ It was fun not being alone anymore and even though Jack often checked on him, it was different having someone around his own age close by. Both of them studied together and Jack was pleased with how hard Ray was working to catch up, Gavin could tell.

His dreams didn't change though. At night he was still hurrying down the narrow, dark staircase, pulled by this stranger. Now as he had grown older, he noticed different things.

First was the fact that he was wearing the bracelet in his dream. It caught the sliver of light and Gavin couldn't figure out if it had always been there or only after Jack had gifted it to him. 

Sometimes he was able to call out, to say Ray's name in hope of confirming the identity of the stranger, but it was always the same. The stranger would turn around and slam him against the wall, face still shrouded in darkness.

_ You do what I fucking tell you to- _

It wasn't a threat, he didn't think so anymore. Concern maybe, but every time he reached out to touch the person, to maybe feel their face he woke up.

That was a different type of frustration altogether.

"Ray?" he asked one evening. They were on the way to the training fields to meet up with the other two. Ray turned towards him, his cape aflame in the remaining sunlight.

It was exactly like the one in his dream, which didn't mean a thing because Gavin had gifted it to him because of that very reason. Well, and because Ray loved the color, and now he was wearing it with pride over his dark uniform.

None of that had helped him figure things out, so-

"Can I hold your hand?"

Ray's eyebrows shot up, but that was about all the reaction he got. He just shrugged and then held out his hand like this wasn't a big deal, and Gavin loved him for that.

"Hurry up then, we're getting late."

Gavin took his hand and then Ray was pulling him along. His cape was billowing in the wind and Gavin could see everything and there was no narrow staircase - still, the déjà vu feeling was so strong at that moment that he felt dizzy just looking ahead.

"Ray?" he called and half expected Ray to push him against the next wall, leaning in to whisper the all too familiar words to him. Instead, Ray just threw him a glance over his shoulder.

"What?"

Gavin could only stare. His dream had always filled him with dread, a knowledge deep inside his chest that even if they'd reach their destination it would be bad, that they were in danger, that someone was after them.

This right here was none of those things. No, this was fun, so Gavin squeezed Ray's hand and quickened his pace to walk with him.

"Nothing!"

Ray threw him a fond grin and shook his head.

"You're a weird one."

"I heard they’re considering Sawyer for that position," Jeremy told him as they walked through the garden gate.

"Sawyer is a fantastic warrior, but he's a huge asshole," Michael replied. "I wouldn't be sad to see him gone."

Jeremy's eyes lit up and he nodded eagerly. "Right? I heard rumors that he might teach the recruits and what kind of mess that could be!"

"For sure. He's the kind of guy who'd let you fail just because he doesn't like you. It would be better for all of us if we were stationed somewhere else."

"Hey guys, some help?" Gavin called from behind them, and Michael threw a glance over his shoulder.

He and Ray were lagging a bit behind, but only because Gavin had decided to carry a huge basket with all kinds of things for his impromptu picnic. It wasn't even that heavy, he was just a baby, and while Michael watched, Ray already reached out to help him.

Chuckling, Michael turned back around and continued on his way. He only noticed that Jeremy wasn't following him when the other spoke.

"Do you sometimes get jealous?"

"About what?"

"Ray."

The sun was already hanging deep and their shadows seemed larger than life as they stood on the stone path. Jeremy's face was stern, something that Michael usually knew from the training fields, but before he could ponder over it, Jeremy already shook his head.

"Forget what I said."

He caught up to him, walking in silence, but it didn't take a genius to figure out what he meant.

"Because Ray got to be Gavin's personal guard?"

"Both of us-" Jeremy trailed off with a shrug, but Michael knew. Both of them were stronger, had trained harder, and were more talented in battle. Still-

"I want to be a warrior, not a personal guard, so no, I'm not jealous," Michael said. "Ray spent nearly every minute of the last year studying nobles crap. That's not really my thing."

"I don't think I would mind," Jeremy professed, but now he just sounded thoughtful. He rubbed his face with a sigh and Michael stepped closer to jostle him saying; "I don't think both of us have the patience or the restraint to keep our mouth shut if necessary."

Jeremy's eyes darted up to him as if to reply, but caught sight of something over his shoulder; frowning in response. Michael turned to see.

There was a whispering couple coming arm in arm in their direction. The woman was beautiful in the setting sun, her hair was golden with pretty flowers braided in. She was leaning in, talking intently, and the man listened. He must be someone important judging by his clothes, but his eyes were cold, a glare that went past him and Jeremy.

"-Misfortune," Michael managed to catch before they parted ways passed them. Old anger flared up. He wondered if it would ever dull.

By now he had learned to keep his mouth shut and his eyes ahead. Speaking against a noble out here would only bring more trouble than it was worth. Jeremy also stayed quiet, though he continued watching over his shoulder, a disgusted look on his face.

"Adults who pick on children are surely impressive," he muttered. "What assholes."

"Don't be too loud. People like us have spent a night in the dungeon for less-"

Jeremy gasped and that was the moment Michael knew something was wrong. By the time he turned around, the other was already on his way back and all Michael could do was take in the scene.

An ugly, greedy, excited expression was worn by the woman and he wondered how he could've ever found her beautiful. The man, face flushed like the words whispered to him had been poison, yet more importantly was the rapier. A well crafted one with gems that glittered in the sun as he raised it above his head.

Michael began to run, but he knew that he wouldn't make it. Not even Jeremy's two steps ahead of him would.

Ray was closer. One of his hands shot out and hauled Gavin back, his other laid on the hilt of his sword. He wasn't quite fast enough to bring his weapon between them.

Blood splattered over the path and Ray grunted. Yet Michael’s heart beat so heavily in his chest that he could only hear the rushing of his blood and not much more.

"Out of the way!" the man bellowed and went to shove Ray aside. Ray stumbled, but he was still holding tight to Gavin, keeping him behind his back. His sword had slipped from its sheath and laid uselessly on the ground.

The man raised his sword again, splattering blood everywhere, and Jeremy cried out. He flung one of his axes and it hit the blade, sending both weapons flying.

That should be it, the man was disarmed, but Michael couldn't stop. He passed by Jeremy and brought his sword down in a mighty swing. It was only the broad side of it, but under his battle cry, he could hear bones snap.

The man dropped. Michael brought his weapon up to be ready again. The seemingly unarmed woman continued to ogle the spectacle. 

Oh, she was enjoying this.

"Guards!" Jeremy screamed, and right, they weren't too far away from the gate.

Michael threw a look down at the man who was just laying there, gasping like a fish. His arm was at an awkward angle. Michael was pretty sure his shoulder was broken as well.

He couldn't find any pity for him.

"Take Gavin."

Ray.

Michael turned around and his stomach dropped. Ray's entire side was drenched in blood, it had splattered over his cape, but he was still holding on tightly to Gavin.

"Take Gavin," he repeated and his gaze went a little past Michael. "I'm gonna go down. Take Gavin. Gonna go down. Gonna-"

"I have him," Jeremy assured him and took a hold on Gavin. Gavin who looked like he might pass out any second as well, eyes wide, that fucking basket still in his hands.

Michael didn't think he had made a single noise during all of that.

"Okay," Ray muttered, and it was like a switch getting flipped. Michael barely managed to catch him before Ray hit the ground and he fell on his knees himself. His hands quickly became slippery. The blood didn't stop pouring from him. He pulled Ray up until his head could rest in his lap.

"What's going on here?"

The guards had reached them now and before Michael could so much as arrange his thoughts to begin to form a coherent sentence, the woman started to cry.

"They just attacked us," she sobbed, and whatever words Michael had searched for died by the sheer anger that began to burn in his chest. "The Child of Misfortune commanded it and in the next second, they jumped us. Oh by the Gods, what have we done to deserve this?"

He must have let his sword go to catch Ray. If he'd still had it, he might have stood up to silence her. Like this, he could just stare at her and tremble in rage.

"That's not what happened," Jeremy hissed. He was also shaking, pale in anger, and his hand digging into Gavin's arm to hold himself back.

The guards turned and Michael recognized them. They weren't even acquaintances, he had only seen them around the barracks. He could already tell who they believed. It wasn't hard to figure out, not if the choice was between two nobles and a bunch of kids who already had a reputation.

"They attacked us!" Jeremy tried anyway, but the woman just cried her pretty tears and made him sound like a petulant child. As if to emphasize her words the man finally recovered from Michael's hit and promptly began to scream. Good, it was supposed to hurt.

"Fuck me," the guard muttered towards his colleague. "Call for a doctor. Two by the looks of it. Tell them to hurry if we want a chance to save Narvaez."

That was like a slap in the face and Michael looked down. Save Ray? Like there was a risk he was going to... die?

No way.

But Ray was just laying there, paler than Michael had ever seen him before. Face a grimace of pain. Ray who was bleeding on his breeches. There was no thought before; "Please help him. Please, he-"

He is my friend. He is always there.

Every morning and every night for so many years. Even now they still saw each other daily though Ray lived in the castle. To think that gone-

"You three stay right where I can see you. The judge will want to have a word with you."

By the Gods, nobody would believe them. Nobody fucking would! Michael's eyes darted to the lady. There were still teardrops drying in her lashes, but she couldn't quite stop her gleeful look. In all his years Michael had never seen someone this evil.

"Call for the King."

Michael had nearly forgotten about Gavin and while he was still pale, he looked like he had collected himself enough to finally speak.

"Yeah, that's not happening, fortune teller. I will not bother the King with things like this."

"You'd think that you would've seen all of this coming before attacking us," the lady threw in and could barely keep her amusement out of her tone.

Two red spots appeared on Gavin's cheeks and Michael couldn't remember ever seeing him this angry.

"I demand to see King Ramsey!" he escalated, ignoring the woman altogether. "Do you really want to risk not informing him about matters that concern me? You have to see what a foolish move that would be."

The guard hesitated but was spared an answer when the doctors arrived. Everything went very fast after that and Ray was whisked from his side before he fully realized it. A part of him wanted to reach out and he made to follow them when a hand grasped his shoulder.

"You stay right here." It was the guard, pushing him towards the castle. 

"By the Gods, Jones. You fucked up," they whispered to him. "That was Lord Reyson's son."

He didn't know what that meant, but also didn't care.

"He attacked us," he protested. "We just defended ourselves."

The guard sighed, but let it go. They led all three of them into a small chamber and closed the door on them, which was the worst. Because now Michael had to think about what had happened and that wasn't good. Ray was hurt, badly. His blood had become a ghastly shade of rust. It wasn’t the only terrible happenstance either, apparently that guy was someone fucking important. Important enough to cause problems for his family.

If his parents found out about this... it would ruin their name, it would ruin whatever reputation he had managed to build here.

Nevertheless; it didn't mean he would take it back. The only satisfying thing about the whole thing was to hear the guy's bones break.

"They can't be for real!" Jeremy's voice cut through their silence. "She can't just... she can't just lie like that! This asshole attacked them from behind like the biggest coward ever! They can't just do that!"

He was heaving with outrage, looked ready to smash the next possible thing, but he was still holding tight to Gavin. Ray had told him to.

"Fuck this!" Michael finally blurted out and kicked the nearest chair across the room. He was ready to take the whole room apart because growing angry was easier than facing all the feelings he truly felt, and he was sure that Jeremy would gladly join him.

Before he could start, the door opened again.

"Gavin!" The King rushed to his side and pulled him in. Jeremy quickly let him go to take a step back and Michael also stood to attention.

Would the King help them? He would get Gavin out of trouble no doubt, but them?

"Are you hurt?" King Ramsey asked, but he was looking straight at him, not Gavin. Right, he probably looked the worst out of all of them.

"Ray is," he managed to say and was horrified by how tight his voice sounded. Ray had been right there and now he was gone and-

Gavin turned towards him and Michael saw the change happen in front of him. Gavin extricated himself from Geoff’s embrace; stood up straighter, and somehow looked more mature, older even. 

"Ray protected me," he explained and there was no trace of the panic from before in his voice. Even King Ramsey seemed surprised by that.

"This man attacked me. They walked by us and attacked when I wasn't looking. Without Ray, I would've been hurt. He pulled me to safety and took the hit himself."

No shaking of his voice, just stating the facts, and Michael couldn't help but shiver.

"Michael and Jeremy interfered then. They disarmed the man because he was still trying to get to me," Gavin went on. "It was self-defense."

For a long moment, King Ramsey stayed quiet. He held Gavin at an arm's length and was watching him closely. Did he also sense that something was off?

"Okay, buddy," he said in the end. "We'll figure this out, but for now you should stay out of this mess. That goes for all of you."

He watched him and Jeremy and couldn't quite help but pull a face when he took in Michael's state again.

"Jeremy, can I count on you to bring Gavin to his room?"

"Of course, my liege!"

"I'll provide both of you with rooms in the castle for tonight. Please don't pull any more attention to yourself for the time being."

* * *

Gavin stared at the dark abyss in front of him. The narrow staircase hidden behind a map of the kingdom laid pitch black before him.

Yesterday after Jeremy had brought him back, Jack had quickly whisked him away. He had said something about being safer in the other parts of the castle. Now he was up here in one of the towers, in a chamber that was too big for just him.

It was similar to Geoff's own and he wanted to pretend that's why it was familiar. The big main room was homely; with seats and bookshelves and a nice fur in front of the fireplace. Other rooms connected to it. One for washing, one for a servant or valet, and this bedroom.

He had never entered this room before, but the secret passage behind the painting? He knew about that one and once he saw it a plan formed in his head. 

Now it was the next morning and the bag sat heavily on his shoulder. It was bulky and awkward, but he didn't have the patience to pack everything neatly, just wanted to get out. 

All he had to do was heave himself into the passage and sneak out. He didn't think anyone would stop him.

Then why couldn't he move? Why did he stand there like he was rooted to the floor?

Because the déjà vu was so strong that it made him sick. When he closed his eyes he could see Ray standing right where he was, one foot at the top of the staircase, reaching his hand out to him.

_ Hurry! _

He had taken that hand and they'd both fled through the dark and narrow space. Ray wouldn't let go and his red cape would billow behind him.

This was the place of his dreams, the one he had dreamed about night after night, and right now it was so close. He was so very close to finding the end to it, the beginning of why Ray had gotten him out of here, and he didn't want to.

It was too late anyway if this had been some kind of warning, he was just too stupid to understand in time. Ray was already hurt because of him and that was horrible enough. But the other dreams? The one with Geoff on his bed, pale and weak and nearly gone?

That hadn't happened yet and if he wasn't here, if he was far away from anyone in this castle, it wouldn't happen. He couldn't bring misfortune then.

All he had to do was step into this passage and run.

"Move," he whispered to himself. The strap of his bag dug into his shoulder, but he couldn't even reach up to adjust it.

"Be brave once in your fucking life and move!"

He couldn't. No, he just stood there and let things happen around him like always. Just an observer in the end, who allowed people to either walk over him or protect him because he couldn't do anything on his own.

If he saw those dreams, if he remembered or saw warnings or whatever it was, there had to be more!

"Gavin?"

The bag slipped from his shoulder and he spun around. That was Michael out in the main room and he shouldn't know where he was. Michael was for sure angry with him, after all, Ray was his friend and now he was hurt and Gavin had just stood there and done nothing. Like always.

"Jack sent me," Michael said. He was right in front of the door and knocked softly. "They can't check on you right now. I think they're in a meeting with Lord Reyson about yesterday."

Gavin stared at the door and waited for Michael to barge in. He didn't sound angry, but-

"Can I come in?"

His mouth felt dry and he looked back into the dark passage. It was like a maw in the wall and he could just slip away. But Michael would alert Geoff immediately.

Once again he had messed up.

"Yeah..."

Michael peeked inside and wasn't fuming at him. No, he tried himself on a smile, but it wasn't really working, not when he took in the room and began to frown. Gavin made no move to hide anything. Clothes and things he had decided not to take with him were still strewn around.

"What's going on?" Michael asked as he closed the door behind him. His eyes found Gavin and then the hole in the wall. 

"Were you running away?"

Gavin nodded, and now Michael grew angry.

"That's what cowards do."

"Then I'm a coward."

Grasping his arm, Micahel pulled him away and pushed the map back into place.

"Bullshit! What's the point of running away? You can't even fight, you'd be dead meat before tomorrow!"

"Then I could start again." The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them. "I already screwed everything up. Maybe it's better to try again."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He didn't know. He fucking didn't know what any of that meant and he pressed his hands against his eyes.

Michael was still holding tight and led him away from the map as if he feared Gavin would just jump right in now.

"It's not safe out there. I spoke to some guards and this Reyson guy is super pissed that we took on his son. I bet that bitch from yesterday is also still spewing her lies," Michael told him. They reached the bed, but it was full of things Gavin had carelessly thrown on it so Michael just pulled him to sit in front of it. "I think King Ramsey wants to keep us in the castle until things blow over."

Shit, so Jeremy and Michael were also in big trouble because of him.

"I'm sorry," he muttered.

"I mean, you didn't tell us to attack that guy. It's his fault."

"No, that's not..." Gavin trailed off and finally let his hands sink. The room was brighter than he remembered with the sun rising and without the open hole in the wall, it wasn't quite as scary anymore.

"I think I knew that something bad was going to happen to Ray."

Michael didn't say a thing, but he tensed next to him. For the first time, Gavin noticed that Michael had still an arm wrapped around his shoulder. To keep him from running?

"I had this dream."

"A dream?" Michael asked, and instantly Gavin shut down. This was stupid, he should stay as inconspicuous as possible or people would come for him, hadn't he learned that? His weird-ass dreams were not normal, just like dropping out of the portal wasn't. They already hated him for that and if other people learned about this as well-

But who was he kidding? It was already happening, those bad people had already gone out and hurt his few friends. 

Michael pulled him back in and he hadn't even noticed that he was struggling to get away.

"So you dreamed this would happen?" he asked.

"I've had this dream for as long as I can remember," Gavin admitted. "I dreamed about Ray and me and we were running away from something. Something bad that wanted to harm me. Ray wanted to protect me, but it was... it wasn't in the garden. It was in there."

He nodded towards the secret passage hidden behind the map and Michael fell quiet. Was he judging him? Trying to get away because Gavin was even weirder than he had thought?

No, when Gavin darted to throw him a glance, Michael had his brow furrowed and was biting down on his lip. Trying to work through this, trying to understand, and Gavin began to hope.

"Is it like the time you knew about the drought?"

"I didn't dream about the drought, but I knew it would happen." Gavin squirmed a little because he knew how that sounded. "I just... I just know things."

"How?"

"I don't know!" Yet that wasn't quite it and he wanted to keep his mouth shut, to keep his secret until the end, but this was Michael, lovely Michael, who was always so strong and brave. 

"I think I did this before. I knew Geoff would pick me up from the portal because it had happened before, I knew his name, and I knew I could trust him because that's what I had done the last time!"

"Are you talking about a loop?" Michael asked and Gavin’s eyes lit up. "There's this old story my mom used to tell me. About a big hero who couldn't slay the monster and died, but it was her destiny to win, so she was sent back in time. Over and over again until she won."

Gavin didn't know that story, but he nodded eagerly. 

"I think so! I remember bits and pieces of before. Some things come back in my dreams and others when I find something that reminds me." Now that he’d started the words couldn’t leave his mouth fast enough. It had been a secret he had carried alone for so very long and Michael just listened, watching him, trying to understand. "I read about the area of the drought when I remembered! When I first saw Geoff I instantly knew his name. I... I looked for you and Ray because we were friends before."

That made Michael smile and Gavin's heart felt like it would burst.

"What about Jeremy?"

"I don't remember him from before, maybe we didn't meet, but he's my friend now," Gavin told him. "That's the thing though, it's not exactly the same. Things have changed and I don't know why. In my dream Ray was older, I was older, and we were in this room, not in the garden. It's like there are two people in my head. There's me and the other me who already lived once. But I can't just see what they remember, I have to trigger those memories or the other me tries to warn me, or something!"

Pushing his hand against his head he bit down on his bottom lip. That was it, wasn't it? The thing he hadn't understood himself until he had just spoken it aloud.. 

Two parts. One that had already done the cycle before, and him. Him who now had a chance to do... something? To do it right? To find a way out?

Had he already screwed up with Ray- 

"What else do you remember?" Michael's voice stopped him from spiraling further. "Something about me?"

There was a memory, but it was something horrid and after everything that had happened, he didn't want to search for it. But there was more, not only the bad things.

"You were so very strong," Gavin mumbled. "You carried a diamond sword, I remember seeing you sitting in front of the fire and taking care of it."

Michael's arm around his shoulders tightened and Gavin looked up. 

"Did it have a name? The sword?" Michael's eyes were intense and Gavin realized that this was a test. One he had to pass if he wanted Michael to believe him. Thankfully he could still see Michael sitting in front of the fire, the sword on his lap, and Ray was leaning over the back of his seat, his voice teasing but fond.

_ "Mogar is still a stupid name." _

_ "Ray is also a stupid name, I still hang around you." _

"Mogar," Gavin answered, and Michael's breath caught a little. Did the name have another meaning? Gavin had never bothered to think about it, but when Michael carefully nodded, he felt an invisible weight fall from his shoulder.

One he had carried far too long.

"What other things do you know about?" Michael asked him, and Gavin shivered.

"I have another dream. I think it's about my death," he whispered and closed his eyes like that could make the pictures stop. But they were always there and he could feel the stone floor he was kneeling on, the sun shining in and the green scarf pooling in his lap. Someone was standing in front of him, but Gavin couldn't see them, not with the rough hand in his hair.

"I think I was murdered."

Michael stiffened. His arm curled around him, pulling him in and Gavin reached out to hold him as well. It was scary to think about and saying it actually made it feel more real. He didn't want it to be real.

"There's one more dream."

But that one took his breath away and thinking about Geoff's hollow form on that bed made him shake from head to toe. Michael noticed because he shushed him softly, like Gavin was a little child, but he didn't mind. Not when Michael pressed his head against his chest and ran fingers through his hair. Not when Gavin could hear his heartbeat because they were both alive.

"This won't happen. I promise," Michael whispered, and he held him so close that Gavin believed him.

"It's already happening. Ray was hurt protecting me, just like in my dream." Ray in the dark staircase, holding his hand. Ray with the green cloak and for a second Gavin saw him standing there, pulling the hood over his head to mask-

Hot tears shot into his eyes and Gavin pushed the picture away. It would haunt him, he was sure of it. The next time he would go to sleep he and the Ray in his dreams would finally reach the end of the staircase and he would see what had happened next.

"But now I know about it as well," Michael protested and jostled him a little. "I might be dumb, but both of us can try to figure this out, right? We can even ask Jeremy to help us!" And then, wishfully, "Maybe even Ray when he recovers?"

Would he? Gods above, Gavin hoped so.

"I'm sorry that Ray got hurt..."

"I don't think he will hold a grudge," Michael told him. "We aren't yet allowed to visit him, but soon enough, I'm sure of it!"

Gavin nodded. He wanted to believe it because if Ray would hate him for this... or the others as well. Both Jeremy and Michael were in so much trouble already.

Michael squeezed him one more time before pulling him up.

"Come on," he muttered and began to tidy up the bed. He began to throw all the clothes Gavin left on it onto the floor, but only when he lifted the blanket did Gavin get it.

"I don't want to sleep," he said, but Michael was already pulling on his arm.

"You gotta. Not gonna lie, you look like shit warmed over."

"No Michael, I will dream." He whined, but Michael was so strong, was pushing him to sit down on the bed. "I don't want to know how the dream ends."

"You have to sleep eventually and then you will dream," Michael told him. "There comes a day when you have to face your fears and what better time than right now?" He shrugged like it was the easiest thing in the world. For strong, confident Michael who knew exactly what he wanted that might be, but Gavin felt small.

"I will stay if you want me to."

Usually, Gavin didn't like it when people were around while he slept. He knew he was weird about it, made noises or even spoke during his dreams, but with Michael, it was different now. Michael knew or at least had an idea of what was going on now and he had stayed.

"Okay," Gavin finally whispered and pulled the blanket over himself. For a moment the two of them watched each other before Michael turned away and began to neatly fold his clothes. He even went so far as to unpack his bag, and Gavin had to smile and by the Gods, he was so tired.

Closing his eyes, he tried to brace himself before letting sleep take him.

Michael had said to face his fear, so he would try to be brave for once. If not for himself, then at least for his friend.

His dream didn't start on the same staircase as usual. It didn't even begin in this very bedroom he had just laid down in.

It was in the main room’s plush seats that Gavin was sat in. Reaching up, he pulled the crown off to put it down next to him. It was Geoff’s familiar golden crown. Right now Geoff wasn't fit to rule, but Gavin would keep his place as long as it took him to recover from his sickness.

"Didn't you just have dinner?"

Ray's words ripped his gaze from the crown and he looked up. In the seat opposite of him was Ray, slapping Michael's hand away from his plate.

"When did that ever stop me?" Michael said, and tried to steal another piece. Ray was faster again, defending his plate with ease which only made Michael turn around and target Gavin's plate instead.

"You can't steal from your King!"

"Throw me in the dungeon then, I dare you!"

"I shall!"

Michael snatched a piece of chicken and plopped it into his mouth before dropping into his favorite seat.

"You two were late, I was getting bored," he complained.

"That's not our fault. The court was going on and one about... nothing really."

"Lady Reese was asking for some time off to be with her husband again," Gavin told him. "I never even saw her husband. I bet she isn't even married and just wants some time off."

"I mean, who would want to marry that. Did you see her eyes? She looks like..." Ray trailed off at a loss of words before making a complicated gesture that made no sense, but somehow conveyed the feeling exactly.

Gavin and Michael began to laugh.

"I just allow her to go so that I get a break from her. Whenever she isn't around it's like a holiday."

"She doesn't have any kids, does she?"

"Thanks to the Gods for that, could you imagine?"

"So when she dies you are rid of her bloodline."

"Would never wish her anything bad," Gavin said while also raising his goblet towards the other two. "She's so lovely after all."

"Very lovely. Ten out of ten, would marry on the spot," Ray agreed. He didn't even seem to notice the disgusted look Michael threw him. Before Michael could tell him exactly what he thought of that, there was a knock on the door.

"Oh, Jack is early today." Gavin reached for a napkin to clean his hands while Michael got up again to open the door.

"Doesn't mean you can't finish your meal," Ray protested. "You barely ate during lunch."

"I'm not very hungry lately-"

"And I'm very much able to stuff all of that down your throat if you don't-"

There was a loud bang as the door hit the opposite wall and Gavin was just in time to see three guards force their way inside.

"What's wrong?" he asked, standing up at once and his first thought went to Geoff. Maybe his condition worsened, maybe the fever was finally winning and-

But then he noticed Michael, sliding down the wall and leaving streaks of red on the tapestry. He looked as surprised and confused as Gavin felt, but Ray was faster.

He grasped Gavin's arm and all but pulled him over the table to get him behind him, his rapier already drawn.

"What's the meaning of this?" he bellowed, but the only answer he got was a blood curdling scream from Michael.

One of the guards was leaning over him, one foot braced against his shoulder while he tore the ax from his chest.

Gavin's mouth grew dry at this display of cruelty and if Ray's hand wasn't holding so tightly to him that it would leave marks, he wasn't sure what he would do.

"Your room," Ray just grunted out and pushed him towards the door.

"Ray-"

But Ray was already charging at them, silent and fierce, and Gavin cried out when the first guard brought their sword down. Ray just duck beneath the swing and drove his blade through their shoulder.

"Your room!" he just yelled again as he tore his rapier free in an arc of red.

Right. Gavin hurried towards his bedroom door and he knew that he should lock himself there, that he could flee through the passage behind the map, but if he did that he would also take any chance of retreat from the other two.

Reaching the door, he pushed it open but couldn't help but turn around. The fighting was deafening and Ray wouldn't be able to take out all three of them, no way, but Gavin couldn't just leave him there!

One of the guards broke from the cluster and it was the one with the ax, the one who had hurt his dear Michael so, and he was hurling the ax over his shoulder, now aiming for him and Gavin ducked into the room.

He nearly fell over his dresser in his hurry, but the ax never came. Instead, there was a wild battle cry, one he recognized immediately.

Throwing another look into the room he found Michael. Michael was standing through sheer force of will. His blood had drenched his shirt and all through his breeches. It splattered on the floor when he pulled his sword from the ax wielder.

He still didn't go down, he swayed a little before lifting Mogar again, and Gavin had never seen him struggle with his sword; other people yes, but never Michael himself. Now he did, nearly falling over by its weight before he found his balance again.

"Go!" he barked out, loud and breathless, and Gavin figured he meant him, but then Michael stumbled in front of Ray, shielding him.

Ray threw himself around, grasped Gavin again and pulled him into the bedroom. The door fell closed behind them, locking the noises out, and for an endless second there was only the cracking wood of the fireplace and their own labored breathing.

Ray was bleeding from a cut on his face, but he didn't seem to notice. For a moment he just stood there, eyes wide, holding the door closed. Gavin stared at him, but when he opened his mouth, he didn't know what to say. His heart was beating so wildly that he felt sick and Michael was still-

"Help me." Ray reached for his dresser and pushed it towards the door. Gavin was quick to join and they just brought the dresser in place when something heavy hit the door. It was an ax, breaking part of the wood and sending light from the other room inside. It was bloodied and Gavin made a noise in the back of his throat that he didn't recognize.

"Come on," Ray called.

He had pulled the map aside to reveal the secret passage. Reaching out his hand, he waited for Gavin and his heart sank.

"Michael-"

"Hurry!"

He did. Grasping Ray's hand, he was pulled inside and they pulled the map shut, leaving them in complete darkness. There was a torch on the wall next to them, but both of them knew they wouldn't have time to light it. By the sounds coming from the bedroom, it wouldn't take that much longer until they broke the door down.

Ray tugged on his hand and Gavin followed him down the stairs. It was like walking into nothingness, he couldn't see the steps, couldn't see a damn thing, but he felt how narrow the path was. More than once his shoulder or hand bumped into the walls as if to remind him, but neither of them said a thing. No, the only noises were their shared breathing and the tumult coming from above.

Gavin could feel how Ray's mind was racing. Wanted to help, to find a way out for them, but he felt frozen in shock. If Ray hadn't been there to pull him along, he wondered if he'd still stand in the doorway to his bedroom, if he would've even left his seat in the first place.

Jack was supposed to be at the door, Jack had spent the evening watching over Geoff and he would drop by afterward to keep Gavin up to date about his condition. But it hadn't been Jack, and Michael-

There was a crack somewhere above as the door was broken down, just another reminder that Michael wasn't up there anymore to stop them.

There was light coming from ahead as they reached the end of the pathway. Not a lot, but enough to make Ray's cloak glow red after so much darkness.

If they went through there it would truly mean that they had left Michael alone, that they had just abandoned him up there, and Gavin didn't want that.

"Ray," he whined and grasped the other's cloak. They couldn't go back, he knew that, but the knowledge hurt his heart.

Ray reached the backside of the painting but didn't push it open. Instead, he leaned his head against it, breathing heavily. He looked pained, his eyes closed and Gavin squeezed his hand.

Ray already knew whatever he wanted to tell him and it hurt him.

"Can we hide?" he whispered, but before Ray could truly consider that more light fell in. They must have found the entry to the passage and now voices were coming from above, steps drawing near.

"They're too close," Ray told him and pulled the latch aside to look outside. "Give me your cloak."

Gavin grew cold and he knew exactly why Ray asked him for that.

"No."

Ray pushed him against the wall, one arm braced over his chest as he leaned in.

"You do what I fucking tell you to!"

Ray was shaking above him, either because he was scared or angry or both. Gavin wasn't able to tell right now. He just closed his eyes as Ray ripped the cloak from around his shoulders, the one that was so much like Geoff's.

The steps from above came closer and Ray let him go to throw the portrait open. They stumbled out of the passage and Ray threw his cloak around himself, pulling the hood over his head.

For a stolen moment they stood staring at each other.

Ray took hold of his arm again. Gentler this time.

"You're probably safest with Geoff right now," he told him as he guided him down the hall. "You know how to get there unseen, right?"

He did, because there were also secret passages leading from the King's chamber down into the belly of the castle.

"Good." Ray pushed him behind some tapestry. "Run there the moment the air is clear."

"I'll alert the guards when I get there," Gavin promised and Ray grinned at him.

"Well, I would hope so. I can't run forever, but hey," he shrugged as if there wasn't blood on his face, "I'm pretty fast."

With that, he left him there. The tapestry fell back to cover him and just like that Ray was gone, leaving Gavin alone with his own beating heart.

It didn't stay quiet for long, after a few moments he could hear the portrait being thrown open again and closed his eyes.

"Over there!" one of the men called and he could hear steps running down the hallway, taking chase after Ray.

Gavin waited until they were gone before darting down the other way. He had to hurry if he wanted to help Ray and he didn't stop in his path. Not when he nearly ran over a couple of maids crossing his way or the occasional guard lingering around. He didn't know who he could trust.

When he ducked into the passage leading up to Geoff's chambers, he didn't stop to catch his breath. No, he stumbled up the steep staircase and followed the maze of hallways hidden behind the massive walls of the castle.

It took too long, he couldn't remember the way being this long and when he finally burst out from a panel close to the fireplace, he already feared that he was too late.

He was now in Geoff's bedroom and the King was laying on his bed, the blanket pulled up to his chin.

"Geoff!"

Geoff hadn't even noticed him, it took Gavin's touch to raise him from his exhausted dozing. The fever was burning through him, but when Gavin took his hand in his, it was cold.

Geoff blinked up to him, trying to recognize him and for once there was a flicker in his sunken eyes.

"Buddy."

That was more than he had gotten in a long time and Gavin pressed a kiss to his fingers. He moved to lay the hand down and go on when the door was opened.

"What-" Jack began before stopping, stunned. Gavin could only imagine how haunted he looked kneeling here in the middle of the night.

"How did you get in here?"

"Alert the guards," Gavin told him as if his heart didn't already know that it was too late. That somewhere in the hallways of the castle they had caught Ray and how angry they would be once they pulled the green hood from his head and found him, grinning.

"Those you trust. There has been an atta-"

Gavin startled awake with his hand grasping his blanket tightly.

He couldn't have been asleep for long because Michael was still sitting on the floor, a pile of neatly folded clothes next to him.

"You died," Gavin blurted out and his lashes were heavy with unshed tears. "But you died fighting."

He must have surprised Michael because the other jumped before turning towards him. His eyes were big, something disturbed in them and Gavin figured that was fair.

"You died in that room." Gavin pulled his hand from beneath the blanket to point to the door leading towards the main room. A door without a mark on it, but that had been broken down by an ax in another lifetime. The dresser was also still there, one drawer opened where Michael had put part of the clothes away.

"Jack came with me after they found the traitors and you were laying by the fire, still holding on to Mogar," Gavin went on and wished that picture would've stayed buried. "And even though those cowards got you first, you took one of them out. You allowed me and Ray to flee."

When he closed his eyes, he felt tears slip over the bridge of his nose. It was a strange feeling, mourning the loss of someone right in front of him.

"They got Ray as well and I bet he laughed in their face when they pulled that hood from his head. They just left him to bleed out in their hurry to flee once they realized they had failed."

Michael opened his mouth, but didn't say a thing. Gavin wondered if there even were words for that as he sniffed.

"Both of you died in my stead that day," he whispered. "But both of you came back."

"We came back?" Michael asked. His voice was shaking and he shivered at the subject being broached.

"Through the portal," Gavin explained. "Just stood in front of the castle walls one day without so much as a scratch on you. I was so happy."

He blinked until he could see Michael properly again. Younger than the man he had just seen in his dreams but clearly  _ him ,  _ and his heart soared.

"I don't want bad things to happen," he whimpered and closed his eyes. "I don't want to see these things anymore."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A Royal Oracle."
> 
> "Royal Oracle," Gavin repeated and then had to fight a shiver.

Chapter 6

Jack asked him to stay in his chambers until all of this blew over, and to be honest, Gavin wasn't too mad about that. There were a lot of things to think about, and while his reputation had surely taken a hit and his concern about Ray was at the forefront of his mind, he felt lighter in some way.

After what he had told Michael, they hadn't talked about it again, not really. There was a time for that, but Gavin knew that Michael was working through all of it and he wanted to give him space to do so. The fact that Michael hadn't ridiculed him in the first place meant a lot, and sharing his weight if only in silence felt like taking a much needed break.

Also, the dream had stopped. Now that he had finally found that bitter end of it, he didn't run down the same dark staircase night after night. There were other dreams, of course, like the one where he was made to kneel, but that was something he could ignore for now.

Remembering what had happened left him with new problems though. New memories that resurfaced; pale, blurry, and sometimes without faces.

Sometimes when he walked through his chambers he saw an older Ray coming from the small adjacent room where he had lived. Other times the memories came in bursts, too fast to truly grasp them. Voices, laughter, and sometimes just familiar scents, a touch on his arm or a feeling.

To keep his mind off those things, Gavin threw himself into work. With Michael knowing everything that happened to him, it felt more real, and for the first time he didn't outright ignore all of it. And if it happened to him, surely it had happened before, right?

So he dove into his books and began to look for similar cases.

One book described rebirth, an eternal circle of souls that leave the earth just to be born again generations later. Sometimes with hints of a past life, dreams, or memories of things that didn't belong to them.

It was fascinating. Gavin lost himself in his research for quite a while, but it wasn't right. He was born at the  _ same  _ time again, he had done all of this before or at least close enough that he recognized the people and most of what was happening.

There was the Guiding Star, the one thing that was fundamentally different from the now and the  _ before. _ It hadn't been there, and upon seeing it the first time, it had ripped him from his dream-like state, had broken through the eternal déjà vu feeling, but he didn't find anything that could help him.

The books about astronomy didn't have much on it and besides the same myth Geoff had told him about, there wasn't much more about it. If you made the right decision the star would shine steady, otherwise it would flicker.

All it did was send him in circles, back to the old legends of the kingdom of magic and sorcery. Of magical beasts and demons.

The portal of course.

Everything led back to it and for a while, Gavin entertained the thought of going back there but the thought alone made his blood run cold.

What would happen if he stepped through? Would he drop out on the other side again, seven years old and scared? Would he return to a life where Geoff had died and he was King?

No, probably not. He had died in the last life, he could still feel the hand in his hair, making him bare his throat.

If he died here, if Ray hadn't thrown himself in front of him and this man had attacked him from behind, would he have woken up at the portal again?

It looked like it, after all, that's what had happened before. So in a pinch, he could just... restart in some way.

Michael had told him about the legend of a warrior with a similar problem as him, but Gavin couldn't find it anywhere. He would have to ask him to recall its name, so he could look for it.

There was a knock at his door and his heartbeat picked up. He was sitting at his desk with books and notes strawn around, but when he turned towards the door, he nearly threw his chair over in his hurry to get up.

For a second, no longer than a heartbeat - Michael was getting up to open the door. If Gavin could warn him- There was no Michael, he was alone. His stomach churned with the fear he had just felt. 

"Gavin?" It was Jeremy at the door, and even though he knew that now, it took him another moment to get himself to take a breath.

“Come in.”

Jeremy poked his head in and then grinned at him, obviously in good spirits.

“Oh, are you working?” he asked, pointing towards the mess on his desk. 

“No, it’s okay. Just a personal project of mine,” Gavin told him and quickly closed the books. No need for everyone to see the runes and sketches of demons.

“So, you got time?”

“I guess so.”

Finally Jeremy stepped inside and closed the door.

"Did Jack send you?" Gavin asked and couldn't quite keep the bitterness out of his voice. Jack seemed to send either Michael or Jeremy to him for entertainment instead of looking after him himself.

Fine, both he and Geoff had a lot to do and were in constant talks with Lord Reyson over the incident, but it still rubbed him the wrong way. Even when Jack had dropped by, it had only been for a minute to give him new instruction, like Gavin was a bothersome task he just had to get over with.

With Geoff it was even worse, a quick hug was all he had gotten in the past few days before he’d hurry away again. He didn't even tell him what Lord Reyson was saying or demanding. Which new kinds of rumors they were whispering; because it couldn't be good, not after what happened in the garden. That lady who had been there surely would twist things in her favor.

No, she was probably beaming, telling everyone how the Child of Misfortune had sent his dogs out to attack Lord Reyson's son.

It was frustrating to be left out of the loop.

"Jack? No, he didn't send me," Jeremy told him, his grin unwavering. "But I just found out that we are allowed to visit Ray now!"

Gavin's heart skipped a beat. "Really? How do you know?"

"Let's just say I pestered the doctors long enough." He shrugged like it wasn't a big deal. Gavin couldn't help but huff in amusement. "I know you are not allowed out of this room right now, but I figured if I came with you, it would be alright."

He was pretty sure that Jack wouldn't see it that way, but Gavin didn't care. He crossed the distance immediately as Jeremy held the door open for him.

They slipped out of his chambers and made their way down the endless stairs of the tower. There was a giddy feeling in Gavin's chest and he refused to let it turn sour. Seeing Ray again would be amazing. He could properly thank him, could at least try to put what had happened in words. It would bring guilt as well, but Ray would make it, Ray would survive if the doctors allowed him to be seen, right?

Gavin turned to Jeremy to ask him if he knew more about that, but then he didn't quite dare. Jeremy looked so eager. Gavin hadn't had the chance to properly talk to him about everything yet. Maybe later when they got back Gavin could ask for tea and pastries and then...

Michael had said Jeremy might be able to help in this whole mess, and while Gavin didn't remember him from before, Jeremy was still his friend. Would he believe him in the same way Michael had? Would he try to help?

Gavin thought so.

His eyes fell on the axes Jeremy always carried around, and they turned his stomach. The same ones the guard in his memory had carried, the one that had stuck in Michael's chest, but that was stupid. Gavin couldn't recall the face of the guard, but it certainly hadn't been Jeremy! He couldn't imagine that Jeremy would do something so cruel.

The other noticed him staring and grinned at him. It made Gavin relax. Just Jeremy. Kind, funny, Jeremy.

Later they would talk; later Gavin would explain things to him and surely Jeremy would help!

They reached the lower parts of the castle and by the time Gavin could see their destination, it was already too late. The door opened and Jack stepped out. The moment he spotted both of them, his face darkened and Gavin knew they had fucked up.

"What did I tell you?" Jack thundered as he came towards them and Gavin actually jumped. It was rare to hear Jack raise his voice and it always meant trouble.

"Do you think it's a joke when I ask you to stay in your room?"

"I was with him to protect him, Sire!" Jeremy exclaimed before quickly falling quiet under Jack's gaze.

"Just like Ray was and look where that's brought him."

Gavin winced. The thought hadn't occurred to him that someone might attack him on the way and that Jeremy would have to step in. That Jeremy might also be hurt like Ray.

"It's dangerous right now," Jack told them. "Haven't I made that clear? Lord Reyson is a very influential man and he is very, very angry. Angry at you, Gavin, and I wouldn't put it past him to target you once more."

"I wanted to see Ray," Gavin complained, his voice quiet.

Jack's face softened, but barely.

"Not right now," he said. "I just talked to him and he's fine, but any more visitors might be too much stress for him."

"But-"

"I'll bring you back to your room," Jack interrupted him, not even giving him the chance to protest. Instead, he turned to Jeremy.

"Jeremy, I expect from our warriors to follow orders. You just endangered Gavin and yourself."

Jeremy all but paled. "Lord Pattillo, I-"

"I realize it isn't with ill intent, but please consider things more carefully in the future."

"We just wanted-"

"I do believe I made myself clear. I'll bring you back to your chambers, Gavin." He took hold of his arm and dragged him away as if he was a petulant child. For a moment Gavin was so stunned, that he could only stare at Jeremy as they left him behind. Only when they reached the stairs towards the upper parts of the castle, did Jack talk, "Don't look at me like that."

Gavin wasn't sure how he was looking at him but he didn't care.

"You can't keep me locked in my room all the time. You're being ridiculous!"

"Am I?" Jack squeezed his arm nearly painfully before he realized what he was doing and letting go. "Gavin, someone tried to harm you."

"You act like this is a surprise to anyone!" Gavin spat. "Isn't that exactly why you guys decided to have Ray as my appointed knight?"

"We didn't think-" Jack shook his head, but Gavin could tell what he had wanted to say. They didn't think it would actually happen, but it had. Someone much bigger and much stronger than him had attacked him from behind and he wouldn't have even noticed until it was too late if it hadn't been for Ray.

"I want to see Ray and thank him for what he's done," he said again. "That's the least I can do. You can come with me if you're so worried."

"I just delivered the King's gratitude to Ray."

"That's not the same!"

Jack breathed out, something tense in his shoulders, but Gavin didn't think what he demanded was unreasonable.

"Right now Ray doesn't want any visitors."

"You don't know tha-"

"I know it." Jack stopped on their way and then beckoned him into a hallway, away from the main path and Gavin followed, warily.

"I wanted to tell you this when things calmed down. Will you listen?" Jack began. 

There was a shiver working down Gavin's spine, but he nodded.

"I not only talked to Ray, but also to his doctor," Jack explained to him. "They were able to stop the bleeding and the wound is closed, but the damage to Ray's arm is irreparable."

"What does that mean?"

"Ray won't be able to lift his arm anymore."

That was awful. That was horrible and Gavin wanted to protest, to say that it wasn't possible, but Jack wouldn't give him that chance.

"That means he won't be able to fight or use a sword. He can't become a knight and he can't keep on protecting you."

Gavin opened his mouth as if anything he could say would change the facts. Ray, who might have always been a bit behind Michael and Jeremy in terms of strength, but who had worked so much harder to keep up with them. Ray, who had trained restlessly no matter how much the other's had the upper hand.

All of that just gone because of him.

"I'm sure you understand that he is very upset right now."

He did, but-

"Isn't that all the more reason why I should go and see him?" Because he didn't want to be alone when he was upset and bad things were happening. It was more comforting to have someone with him in those nightmares, and Ray had held his hand in countless ones.

Jack looked conflicted, his eyes wandering around like he had to make sure they were alone before he added, "There are some choices Ray has to think about right now. He can't be a knight like this anymore and he also can't protect you. Maybe he'll be better off... somewhere else."

Gavin felt like he'd been dropped in ice water.

"You are going to send him away..."

"I just gave him the option."

"He's not useful to you anymore and so you push him away!" Gavin insisted. "Shouldn't you be thankful? Ray did exactly what you asked him to do and this is your form of gratitude?"

"Gavin, don't you think he might not want to stay here after what happened?"

No, that couldn't be. The Ray before had stayed. The Ray before had returned even from death. Jack was just throwing him away!

"I want to talk with Geoff about this," he muttered.

"Who do you think made that decision?"

Gavin shook his head and already pushed past Jack.

"Where is Geoff right now?"

"There is no need to disturb him, Gavin. He didn't get much rest latel-"

Gavin didn't even listen. He was faster than Jack if he wanted to be and he easily slipped up the stairs to avoid his grasp.

It was still barely afternoon, so Geoff wouldn't be in his chambers, but Gavin knew his favorite parlor when he wanted to get away from things during the day.

"Gavin!" This one was a demand. He didn't listen and ran down the hallways. There was no way they could just throw Ray away. He owed his life to him, it was his fault that Ray was hurt, and he couldn't just let that happen.

Gavin threw the door to the parlor open and startled Geoff out of his nap. The King had been slumped in the plush seat, dozing off with an untouched cup of tea next to him and unaware of the grand view over the city behind him.

Now he looked alarmed at being so rudely interrupted, but Gavin barely felt guilty.

"Gav?"

"You are going to send Ray away?"

Geoff blinked at him, still dozy before turning to face Jack instead who finally caught up to them.

"Was that really necessary? Couldn't you wait an hour or two instead of just barging in here?" Oh, and Jack was angry. Gavin could feel him fuming, but he didn't take his eyes from Geoff.

Geoff, who sat up with a groan and looked around to orientate himself.

"So, I guess Gavin didn't like our decision about Ray?"

"He wouldn't even listen," Jack said.

"Ray can still protect me! You don't have to send him away!"

Geoff first threw him a long look, before glancing up to Jack and to Gavin's surprise, Jack left the room with a sigh.

"Sit down, Gavin."

"I'd rather stand," he blurted out if only to refuse Geoff's offer. He had seen some daring nobles try that before, and he should've known better.

"Sit down if you want to properly talk about this issue or come back when you've calmed down," Geoff simply said, and a part of Gavin's hostility melted away. He forced himself to take a deep breath, just like Geoff had demanded before slipping into one of the other plush seats.

"Thank you," Geoff said before folding his hands in his lap. "So you're saying that Ray can still protect you. How so?"

"Ray is super fast!" Gavin assured him. "Back in the garden, he reacted faster than anyone else!"

"So the next time you're in trouble, he would be able to react instantly again?"

"Exactly!"

Geoff hummed thoughtfully and for a second Gavin dared to hope. Then Geoff began to talk.

"Ray won't be able to raise his sword the next time someone might attack you. Just like he hadn't been able to this time, but only because the attack was the act of a coward. Don't get me wrong, I am very impressed with Ray's courage and his quick decision to simply shield you in that emergency, but... would he do that again?"

Gavin opened his mouth, but then didn't know to agree or to deny. Of course, Geoff picked up on that.

"If he does the same, Gavin... If Ray just throws himself in front of you like he did, will he get this lucky again? Because as far as I see it that would be his only choice if he wanted to protect you. To sacrifice his own well being, seeing that he isn't able to use his weapon anymore. This time the damage to his body was already significant, what about the next time?"

Gavin's shoulder lowered as he began to understand and when Geoff reached one of his hands out, he didn't hesitate to take it.

"You don't want that," Geoff told him. "You want to keep your friend around. I understand, but Gavin, don't you think this is Ray's choice to make? Sending him away was in no way meant as a punishment. He got hurt badly and he might be scared and he lost something very important... maybe he'd rather go home than stay here. I would make sure to assure him my gratitude for protecting someone so important to me, I would make sure he would never have to go out into danger again if that's what he chose. Don't you think that's a better solution? To let him decide?"

It was, and sitting here, Gavin felt quite chastised by this all. He realized he’d been childish, but he had been scared that Ray would just be gone, taken away from him and he didn't have many friends in the first place.

"Okay, now that that's taken care of," Geoff said softly and tugged at his hand. "Can we talk about something else? It might not be very pleasant."

"About what happened?"

"Yeah."

Gavin shrugged. "I can't say I'm surprised. People hate me."

"I wish it was different," Geoff told him, and Gavin knew he meant it from the bottom of his heart. That didn't change a thing though.

"They know I'm different and so they want me gone," Gavin explained to him, because it was quite simple. Most people stayed dead, but he didn't seem to be able to, so he was different. Something to be feared; a disturbing part of this world.

Geoff looked at him, pained, and when he pulled on his hand again, it was stronger.

"Are you too old for cuddling now? Is it already embarrassing?"

Laughing, Gavin shook his head and let Geoff tug him onto his lap. It was a tight fit because he was fourteen and lanky, but they made it work. When he leaned his head against Geoff's chest, he felt pretty sure he would never get too old for this.

"You know I've been talking to Lord Reyson these past few days. He shifts all the blame to you."

"I didn't do anything!"

"I know, buddy. So I told him that you warned me about his son and how you felt like something bad would happen."

Gavin frowned. "You're lying. I don't think I've ever even met this son of his."

"Well, Lord Reyson doesn't have to know that. But that would be the second time you saw something coming before it happened."

Gavin opened his mouth, but didn't even know where to begin. Geoff was faster anyway.

"After you told us about the drought, the people started talking, you know that."

"They call me fortune teller to mock me."

"The boy that came from the Nether, now able to take glimpses into the future," Geoff went on. "Apparently that's something people can believe. Lord Reyson believed it enough to start doubting his own son."

Gavin was stunned. To some degree, he could see the future, but things were already different than they had been before. He was just about to tell Geoff that when he realized that Geoff didn't know about his dreams and strange memories. About his life before this one that was nearly the same.

Should he tell him? It felt bad to keep something so important from Geoff when he had given him everything he could've ever wanted, but right now? Now when there was already so much trouble because of him?

No, Gavin didn't dare. Michael had believed him, but Geoff was the King and the King had to do what was the best for the kingdom.

If he'd think Gavin too weird or a liability, would he send him away?

"You want me to fake this?" he asked carefully, and Geoff nodded.

"I know this sounds harsh, but Gavin, the people expect something from you. You are so special, the only one to return from the Nether in recent history and that's why they are all watching. We should give them something to look at, even if it's fake."

"If I'm useful to them they might not want me gone," Gavin extrapolated. Geoff pulled a face, not denying it. "But a fortune teller, Geoff?"

"The title sounds like a cheap trick, but that's because they want to ridicule you. We can yet build on it. We can present them something that they are ready to believe in. A Royal Oracle."

"Royal Oracle," Gavin repeated and then had to fight a shiver. "Geoff, I don't know..."

"That's a lot to think about, I know."

"If you say that's the right decision then I'll do it, but..." But it would change so much. Leave him in the dark about what could happen. On the other hand, if it worked and people stopped coming after him, it might be worth it.

"Jack doesn't like the idea, I'll tell you that right away, and you know I usually listen to Jack. Yet this time..." Geoff sighed and his breath ruffled Gavin's hair. "Jack is great with economics and viewing things from a different perspective, but people... I'd like to think I'm better with them, understanding what they think. I do believe they would believe in you. I'd nearly say they expect something like it."

"If I were able to predict the future, it would explain why I came back and not someone else," Gavin said slowly. The more he thought about it, the more he understood what Geoff was going for.

"The Royal Oracle," Gavin repeated, more to himself than to Geoff. It had a certain ring to it, but now he grew wary.

"Will that be my title?"

"I mean if you want to? It's just what I came up with, so if you prefer something else go ahead."

Prince Ramsey had been his last title and while that hadn't turned into a good ending, he was still fond of it. This time around with his old chambers finally his again and the expensive gifts Geoff and Jack had given him, he had been sure that he would inherit the title once again.

Now he wasn't quite so sure anymore.

Geoff noticed his hesitation and carded a hand through his hair. "Like I said, you don't have to. This is a big thing and I don't want to push you."

"That's not it..." He should just straight out ask, after all, he pretty much already knew the answer, but he couldn't. If Geoff would refuse him it would hurt more than anything else and he wasn't sure if his heart could take it.

He was ready to just brush it aside for now when he remembered Michael's words. That he had to face his fears eventually. What better time than today? That's what Michael had told him and he had been right about facing his dream, right? It had hurt and certainly hadn't been pleasant, but that dream had stopped. It had stopped and Michael believed him.

Michael would for sure just ask Geoff and cut straight through all of the bullshit.

"What am I?" Gavin blurted out and then cringed. Not how he had wanted to word it and even Geoff hesitated.

"Excuse me?"

"Forget about it." He fought to get out of Geoff's chair and was ready to just dart out of the room and wallow in self-pity when he stopped himself. Fuck, he was sick and tired of running away and if he wanted to break that habit, what better way than to start with Geoff?

So he stopped in his tracks and turned to face him.

"What am I to you?" he asked. "You took me in, you allowed me to learn in the biggest library of the kingdom and wear the best clothes. These new chambers as well, they are nearly as big as your own."

"They are indeed part of the accommodations for the royal family," Geoff agreed, and Gavin stopped talking.

All he did was stand there in front of the King, the mightiest man of all the lands, and while he did know the answer, he still needed to hear it. Needed Geoff to just straight out say it.

"You becoming the Royal Oracle will not change anything about your place between me and Jack," Geoff said. He sounded somber, his hands folded in his lap, but Gavin didn't reply, just waited, because that wasn't all.

"I have long since considered you as the heir to the throne, but you're smart, I'm sure you already figured that out."

"It's something completely different to hear it," Gavin said, and Geoff nodded.

"Of course. Here I claim to know the most about people, but when it comes to those closest to me..." Geoff trailed off with a sigh before getting up. Towering over him like that, he intimidated Gavin enough to take a step back, but that was stupid. It was still Geoff, and when he reached down to cup his face, Gavin's heart calmed down.

"If you'll allow me, I'd gladly share my name with you. Not only that, but all the riches I own, the crown, and all the responsibilities that come with it. I'll lie my entire bloodline at your feet if you want to."

"I very much want that."

Geoff's face broke into the brightest smile Gavin had ever seen from him and it was as if a weight was lifted from his shoulders. Had Geoff also doubted himself? That sounded insane, as if he had expected any other answer to his question!

Gavin would trade anything to stay by his side, to keep him alive and happy. It would mean a lot of hard work, a lot of things to learn, and in the end, he would have to rule, but he knew he would be able to do it. After all, he had done so before, but this time there would be no brittle hand, there would be no dying Geoff that barely recognized him anymore.

No, no matter the cost, Gavin would stop that from happening.

* * *

Michael was just about to finish his training when he noticed he was being watched. It was late evening and with winter rolling in, it was darkening by the minute. When he looked up, he half expected it to be Jeremy because it was strange that he hadn't shown up after training today, but instead it was Ray.

Ray, who stood on the grassy patch between the two training fields and waved quite sheepishly.

Michael all but dropped his sword to run towards him. He had visited Ray, of course he had. The memory of how pale and weak he had looked in that bed would haunt him. This was the first time he saw him on his own feet again and out from the infirmary, and once he reached him, he promptly threw his arms around him to pull him into a bearhug.

"Stop! You're sweaty!" But Ray was laughing, and hearing that made Michael just hold him tighter until Ray's feet couldn't even reach the floor anymore. Only when he deemed him embraced enough did he let him back down.

"What are you doing out here?"

"Well, it's been a while since I visited. Figured I should drop by." Ray shrugged, and he did look better. The first time Michael had visited him, he was sure Ray was going to die. The gauze around his arm had looked tan against his skin and he had felt so damn fragile. And to hear him laugh? Gods, the memory of how much Ray had cried after receiving the news about his arm was still clear in his mind. It had been quiet, secret, like he was ashamed of it, but Michael had known and had pressed his face against his shoulder, in a desperate attempt to comfort what couldn't be comforted.

Right now he was barely a second away from just planting a kiss on him.

"Are you done with your training? Can we talk?"

"Sure!"

They settled on the grassy hill and Michael noticed that Ray was wearing his red cape again. He had draped it over his shoulder this time to hide his injured arm, but more interesting was the brooch. It wasn't the familiar rose one Gavin had given him, but instead a golden eye.

That was new.

"Jack called in Jeremy to talk," Ray began.

"Oh, so that's where he is. I was wondering."

Nodding, Ray played with the seam of his cape, a habit that would soon become very familiar to both of them.

"I can't stay by Gavin's side and protect him anymore. I know that, so they'll ask Jeremy to do it. No offense, but he's probably more suited for staying calm during all the meetings than you are."

Michael huffed, but it would be ridiculous to try and talk back. He knew his own hot-headedness too well.

"But you're not off the hook. They want someone around Gavin no matter the time of day, so Jack will ask you to watch over him in the night," Ray said, and Michael frowned. He wasn't really surprised, the moment he had known that Ray wouldn't be in the condition to be Gavin's appointed knight anymore, he had figured he or Jeremy would take the position, but-

"Isn't that a bit excessive to also protect him during the night?"

"Not once they announce that Gavin will be the heir to the crown."

"Will they?"

Ray nodded and something like excitement ran through Michael's veins. What would his parents say to that? Him being a personal guard of the royal family? It seemed like they were right and getting to know Gavin was an opportunity.

"Not only that though," Ray went on and touched the golden eye holding his cape together. "Gavin will also be announced as the Royal Oracle. They want to pretend that he can see the future. I mean, it's not too far from the truth, is it?"

Michael froze and when he turned, Ray was watching him out of his dark eyes. He looked unmoving like he had spoken about something unimportant as the weather.

"He told you?" Michael whispered, and when Ray nodded, a weight lifted from his shoulders.

"Gavin said that you believed him," Ray said. "Do you?"

For a moment Michael didn't know what to answer to that. That question was one he kept pushing away, simply because he was scared of the answer. Did he believe Gavin?

If anyone else came up to him and told him that he was stuck in this loop of death and rebirth, he would tell them to fuck off. Fact was though, that Gavin had dropped out of the portal, so Gavin was special already. Most of all it was the day he had told him, sitting in front of the bed with Gavin's things all packed and his breathless panic.

Mogar as well. Mogar had been his teddy bear as a child, a fierce warrior in all his little games he played and still sat on his bed at home. Probably, if his mother hadn't thrown the old thing out, but he didn't think she would.

To call his sword the same name was probably ridiculous, but nobody would know. Only that Gavin had and that more than anything had settled something in Michael's chest.

Something awful had happened in the life before, something that had left him and Ray dead and Gavin returned to the start, willingly or unwillingly, and now they could fix it. If they all worked together they could, and Michael wanted to change it.

The moment after Gavin had woken up and had told him where he would die... he still had nightmares about that, and he didn't have a lot of nightmares. Even just remembering this made his blood run cold.

Ray leaned against him, startling him, but he let his heavy head settle on his shoulder. His dark hair tickled his neck and Michael couldn't help himself but wrap an arm around him and pull him close.

"I was so scared when you were hurt," he whispered. Another one of his nightmares, Ray bleeding out on that patch of grass because the people instead discussed what had happened, because Ray wasn't important enough. Just the son of a farmer, whose blood was only good enough to protect those of nobles.

"Me too," Ray admitted, which meant a lot. Ray usually acted like nothing bothered him, but that had cut too deep, had reminded all of them of their mortality.

"What will happen to you then?"

"Gavin offered me the place of his valet."

"A valet? After all your hard work?"

Ray laughed, unamused and lifted his healthy arm. He balled his hand to a fist and when Michael noticed how much he was shaking, he pulled him closer.

"None of my training will do me any good now," he whispered, and Michael didn't like the anger he could hear in his voice. He didn't think it was directed at anyone but Ray himself. "And as a valet, I can be more useful than at home. No way I can help on the field like this."

Pressing his lips together, Michael leaned his head against the dark hair.

"I'm glad you're staying."

Ray nodded, but Michael could still feel him tremble. When he finally spoke, his voice was heavy, "I want to believe Gavin. If what he said is true, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. If he's right, I know I'm needed."

* * *

"Isn't that a bit much?" Gavin asked, only to be pushed back to stand straight.

He was standing on a pedestal in front of a large mirror while Missus Shawn worried around him. Missus Shawn was Geoff's tailor. Gavin felt that he’d stood for an entire lifetime already while she held up different fabrics to his body.

He hadn't anticipated there to be that many green colors to choose from, but it wasn't quite his choice either. The one time he had found a nice color, Missus Shawn had just huffed as if offended and had thrown it on the ever-growing pile she rejected.

So Gavin had just stood there quietly. Bored out of his mind.

"It's your coronation," Jack said from his seat in the back. "Everything has to be perfect."

"I can't imagine Geoff standing here for this long."

"We didn't have time for elaborate robes for King Ramsey. He was crowned in a rush after the death of his mother," Missus Shawn threw in. "Not to say his cloak wasn't fantastic. One of my best works if I dare to say so myself, but this chance? You will not ruin this for me." She held an embroidery needle underneath his nose like a weapon and Gavin quickly stood to attention.

In the back, Jack chuckled. "We also have to discuss the attire for the Royal Oracle."

Gavin groaned and was actually poked this time for slouching.

"Should it also be in the Ramsey colors?"

"I was rather thinking of something completely different."

"Well violet or purple is commonly the color of royalty," Missus Shawn said as she measured Gavin's arm. "I have some wonderful fabric for that, but King Ramsey just refuses to wear them! But which cut..."

"In the old legends sorcerers wore these huge cloaks," Gavin explained and tried not to look into Jack's eyes through the mirror. It was clear that Jack wasn't happy with Geoff's decision and he also didn't like Gavin's interests in the old legends, but Missus Shawn full on gasped.

The measuring tape and fabric thrown away, she hurried to the back of her chambers. Gavin could hear her talking to herself, while she searched through a stash of books.

"I think I broke her."

"You might be right." Jack got up to check on her and by then she already had one of the books open and was frantically searching for paper and ink.

"Missus Shawn?"

"Something like this?" She called out without so much as a glance at Jack as she held out the book for Gavin to see. Inside was a sketch of the old sorcerers and witches he had read about and he was intrigued enough to take it out of her hand.

Unfortunately, it was all about the different robes, the hidden pockets, and the evolution of such fashion in the kingdom. While that was interesting, not quite what he was looking for.

"Okay," Jack interrupted both of them. "It's getting late. Why don't we let Missus Shawn figure this out and then continue tomorrow."

Gavin gladly stepped from his pedestal and Missus Shawn didn't even seem to notice. She had ripped the book from his hands and was hunched over a desk that was already overflowing with sketches.

"What a weird woman," he whispered when they left her chamber.

"I think everyone who hones a craft long enough becomes weird in some way," Jack told him.

"She must have honed her craft very long."

"I just hope she doesn't forget that the coronation is more important than Geoff's little theater."

"I hope she doesn't forget Michael's and Jeremy's new uniform," Gavin threw in. "Their gifts are ready and I can't wait until I can give them!"

"After the festivities. Let them finish their training and then they're all yours."

Only three more days until Jeremy and Michael were officially warriors and would join his entourage. Only a month until he would be crowned.

Until then there was a lot to prepare, but it wasn't like the first time he had done this.

They said their good nights at the foot of the tower and Gavin took a deep breath. It felt good to be alone for once, to have no one's eyes on him. Upstairs Ray was waiting for him, and while he was glad to have someone to share the big chambers with, sometimes it grew a bit too much. Especially right now when he was preparing a thousand things for his coronation.

"-a disgrace to the kingdom!"

The voice came from a floor beneath him but he recognized Lady Reese anyway. How could he not, there weren't many things he hated more than her.

"Just wait until the common folk hear about this! King Ramsey will lose all credibility among them as well! This kingdom will be under attack before long because Werringthal will think our King lost his mind!"

She was agitated, didn't even bother to lower her voice and Gavin felt his heart sink. It took no genius to figure out what she was talking about and while he knew how most of the court thought about his new title, they had stayed blissfully quiet around him. He could nearly pretend people were excited about a new heir.

Oh, he was too tired for this, and with another sigh, he just began to climb up to his chambers.

"For all we know the King _has_ lost his mind!"

Gavin stopped in his tracks and felt the first signs of anger. She could talk about him all he wanted, he didn't expect anything else from her, but her bad mouthing Geoff? That was a sore spot for him and for a second he imagined himself brave. If he was like Michael or Jeremy, he would go down there and remind her of her place.

A place that by now was beneath him and how that must anger her. He could even ask her to bow.

She was coming closer, climbing up the stairs further down the hall and he could hear her agitated steps. What an annoying woman, but who was he kidding, he wasn't brave enough for this.

He should hurry up so she wouldn't see him.

"Lord Pattillo might be our only chance to talk some sense into the King."

Something about that struck a chord in him, making him hesitate in the middle of his step. It dared to drudge something up, a memory that he didn't want, but dared to overwhelm him.

Before it could he had spun around and marched towards her. It was a bit funny. She reached this floor, and when her eyes fell on him, they widened. For once he had surprised her.

"You indulge in King Ramsey's hospitality," Gavin told her and tried to wrestle his shaking voice under control. He was just so angry. There was something inside him that properly wanted to hurt her. "You eat his food, you stay underneath this roof, and all you do is criticize. All you do is spew your poison, making everyone around you miserable!"

She was accompanied by two guards like so often and she took a step back when he approached her, searching for security between them before she shook herself. Still, Gavin relished in that moment of weakness from her.

"A bastard like you has no right to speak to me like this," she spat. "Though for the title bastard you'd at least need some heritage to speak of. For all we know, you were birthed by the portal because not even the Nether wanted you."

"As the future King, I will talk to you however I please."

Something outraged came over her, a shadow that showed all the disgust she carried with her. By all the Gods above, her heart was the ugliest thing Gavin had ever seen.

"My bloodline goes as far back as those of the Ramseys. I will not allow a vermin like yo-"

"I don't care," Gavin interrupted her. "if your blood goes back to the beginning of time it would give you no excuse for your actions! I’ve seen many of low birth that carry more virtue in the tip of their fingers than you will ever achieve!"

"How dare-"

"I dare! And consider this a warning to reconsider your ways, Lady Reese. They might not be welcome in the future of this kingdom."

_ Slap! _

For a second he didn't know what happened. His face was burning and only slowly he realized that she had struck him. That was so outrageous that he didn't even want to believe it, because the court might talk and the court might stare, but they were directly under Geoff's authority.

"You dare to raise your hand against the Crown Prince?" he blurted out and wished he sounded more angry than shocked.

"There is no crown on your head yet, and if I have any say in this, there never will!" She took a step towards him and he hoped she didn't notice how much he had to fight to stand his ground.

"Geoff will-"

"The King doesn't see all that goes on in between these castle walls," she said. "Look at Reyson! His son wanted to get rid of you and he is still part of the court! You are not nearly as protected as you think, bastard."

He was pushed to the ground by one of the guards, which was already humiliating enough. His scarf pooled in his lap just like back then and the déjà vu feeling in his guts was overwhelming. Not now, now he had to stay in this life, in this world, but then a hand fisted in his hair and everything was gone.

His crown had carelessly fallen from his head and he was so stunned at the turn this court meeting had taken. But he should be safe, after all, there was always someone around. Michael and Ray. Jack. All there to protect their new King.

Someone stepped in front of him. Not the slender shoes of Lady Reese, but heavy boots, and the hand in his hair forced him to look up and face his familiar demise.

"You should understand your place in this play, Child of Misfortune," Lady Reese told him from above, but he barely understood her over the rushing blood in his ears. "You are merely a pawn. Only to be disposed of when the time is right."

It wasn't her standing above him and there was no second guard, pulling a dagger now. No, all that happened in a different realm, to a different him, and he couldn't care less.

How could he when he looked up to the Ramsey sword, to the blade that had taken the life of the last tyrannical King? And now it was pressed against his throat while he was forced to kneel and stare up at Jack.

Jack who watched him with so much sorrow. Gavin nearly wanted to laugh. It couldn't be happening because this was Jack. Lovely, warm Jack. The one who had held him after Geoff's passing, the one who had sat the crown on top of his hair.

_ You brought misfortune to the King. _

The one who was rising the sword now-

_ I can't let you bring misfortune to his kingdom as well. _

-and brought it down.

Michael was running. His steps echoed through the hallways of the castle and he pulled some unwanted attention to himself, but he didn't care.

Ray had sent a messenger to fetch him late at night and that couldn't mean anything good. Even worse, the woman had assured him that it was urgent. He didn't think Ray would've called for him otherwise. The ceremony to finish his training as a warrior was in three days and they all were busy with the preparations, ritual ablution, and the frequent praying to Gods he didn't even believe in. Nevertheless it was part of his training and so he was determined to finish his preparation in solitude.

Fuck, he hadn't even seen Jeremy much this week and they were in the same boat. To think that Ray would interrupt him during such an important time-

He barely avoided barreling a maid over before he reached the stairs. Taking three steps at once, he finally reached the chambers up in the tower and promptly collided with the door.

Locked? Usually it wasn't, and so he knocked frantically.

"Who's there?"

"Open this damn door, Ray!"

He did and peeked through the crack. Michael didn't like how pale he looked.

"Come in."

"What's wrong?"

"I need your help." Ray closed the door after him, locking it right away before taking a hold on Michael.

He was pulled further into the room and there by the fire sat Gavin. He was leaning heavily against the back of the chaise lounge and didn't look up. For a second Michael nearly pretended that he was asleep, but then he noticed his stained tunic, dark blotches over his shoulder and some down his back, and Michael tensed.

If Ray wasn't holding on to him, he would march right up to Gavin, but Ray shook him.

"Grab the washbasin, will you?"

"What happened?"

"Michael, please get the water."

He didn't move, couldn't take his eyes from the way Gavin was slumped there, at least until Ray's fingers dug in painfully.

"Get the basin, Michael," he hissed. "Because I can't fucking do it, alright? I can't without fucking spilling everything and I will not let Gavin sit on the cold floor next to it, so move your fucking ass."

He did. The washbasin was made out of heavy porcelain and he could see where Ray had tried to carry it. A part of the water was spilled onto the rugs in the room.

He took it and carried it over to the fire and up close the dark blotches were a deep red. Ray had already untied the strings of Gavin's tunic and was pulling part of it over his shoulder.

"What happened?" Michael asked again. Gavin didn't answer, his eyes were open, but he seemed impossibly far away. Even when Michael reached out to touch his face, he didn't so much as flinch.

"I don't know. He was out with Jack and then came back like this," Ray told him instead.

"Did you inform Jack or the King?"

Ray threw a glance at Gavin before shaking his head. "Let's keep this between us for now. Help me up here."

Right. Getting up, he moved behind the chaise and held the tunic in place while Ray reached for the cloth. He moved a little awkward with his one arm, but when he cleaned the blood, he was gentler than Michael could be.

It wasn't a lot of blood, which was good, but someone had purposefully hurt Gavin. This hadn't been an accident, not by how many cuts Ray carefully uncovered on the back of his shoulder. None of them were deep and Michael knew they were meant to hurt, but not to harm.

What the fuck had happened?

Ray stiffened in his motions, but Michael took a moment longer to connect the lines, to read the word carved into Gavin's shoulder.

_ Bastard _

The anger nearly took his breath away. The tunic gave under his hands and he quickly forced himself to let go because he didn't want to hurt Gavin, not at all.

"Who did this?" His voice was shaking, but he barely noticed. It took everything in him to control himself not to go around the room and destroy something.

Nobody answered. Michael wanted to scream. Instead, he watched Ray's motions, how gently he was not to hurt further, and something about the concentrating frown of his eyebrows calmed him. Just enough to stay right where he was needed.

There was quiet anger in Ray’s eyes though, growing more furious by the minute, but he kept it to himself. In that regard, Ray had more discipline than him.

"I can't-" Ray began, only to fall quiet. He had picked up bandages from the table, all prepared while he had been waiting for Michael, but now he couldn't work further. Not with only one hand and Michael hated how upset he looked over that, how much he wanted to help.

"Here, let me."

Ray handed the bandage over and Michael began to dress the cuts. It would be easy to do it himself, but he asked Ray to help, to hold here and there even if it wasn't necessary. It wouldn't be fair to just let him sit there, watching.

"That should do," Michael mumbled after he was done, and Ray nodded. He leaned ahead to try and catch Gavin's eyes. It was easier for him while sitting next to him.

"Gav? Are you hurt anywhere else?"

No response. Michael bit down on his lip before sitting opposite of them. From what he could see Gavin hadn't moved at all and he threw an unsure glance to Ray.

"We have to inform Jack."

Gavin visibly stiffened and both of them turned to look at him. He didn't say a thing though, just softly shook his head.

Frowning, Ray leaned ahead and put his hand on top of Gavin's. "We have to. Gavin, someone hurt you. Jack and The King would want to know and punish them."

"Like they did with Reyson?" Gavin asked. His voice was thick and he didn't bother to clear his throat. "Last time I checked he was still sitting in court, even though his son wanted to do much worse than this."

That was something that also infuriated Michael. As for him, he would've cast the whole family out of this kingdom, but politics were fucked up anyway. The Reyson family was too important, too rich, too powerful, and then the rumors. If this bitch in the garden hadn't spread that Gavin had purposefully attacked them, maybe the punishment would've been more severe.

"So it was someone else from the court?" Ray asked.

Gavin turned away, wrapping his arms around himself, and Michael was sure he wouldn't answer that. And fuck, he could understand why. Nothing had changed since the last time, nobody got truly punished, and everything had been discussed behind closed doors. All Gavin could do was protect himself behind new layers of defense.

"Then tell me," he blurted out. "I fucked Reyson's arm up and if I'd known how much he harmed Ray, I would've taken his other as well. Whoever this asshole was, let me at them."

Gavin's eyes darted to him and they were searching. They were searching for something and Michael let him. He meant what he said, his duty was to protect Gavin, that had been his task not only in this lifetime, but apparently in the one before as well, and if no one else was willing to do it properly, he would.

Gavin's eyes were dark, something hurt inside there that couldn't be mended again, but calm. A calmness that made him shiver and Michael had seen those eyes before. Back after the incident in the garden and what had Gavin said? It was like he had two consciousnesses in his head and this one, the one he saw right now, wasn't surprised at all about the cruelty around them. No, they had seen this before.

"If you put yourself between them and me you will die."

"Like hell I will!"

"Michael is right," Ray threw in and rubbed his arm. "You warned us, so now we'll be even more careful."

"You were careful before. I should... I should send you away, I shouldn't have pulled you into this in the first place, but now it's too late and I- If I run away and-"

"Don't be stupid," Michael interrupted him. "You'll run away and then what? Geoff needs a new heir and will be heartbroken. You? You will be eaten by wolves in a month or something. You'll start this whole shit again."

Gavin's shoulders slumped and when Ray tugged on him, he leaned against him. "Even if I prevent something bad from happening, it comes back in different ways. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so fucking tired of this shit."

Yeah, Michael could see that, and while he felt sorry for him, he couldn't change it. He hated that he was powerless against whatever was going on here.

"Maybe we should tell Jack about everything that's going on," Ray suggested only to be met with a loud snarl from Gavin.

"I won't tell Jack a single thing."

That was new, and Michael met Ray's wide eyes. As far as he knew Jack was just as much as a father figure as Geoff. Fuck, Michael had seen those two together more times than he could count and never had he sensed such animosity.

"What did Jack do?" Ray asked carefully, and Gavin scowled.

"We can't trust him. He's just like all of them. Just another traitor, albeit a patient one."

Ray opened his mouth, but didn't say a thing. That was a shock. He threw a helpless glance at Michael. As if he knew what the fuck was going on!

He was just about to ask when he noticed that Gavin wasn't truly angry about this. No, he was shaking and pale and looked just a hair away from breaking down.

Something had happened tonight while Gavin had been out there with Jack, something awful, and it wasn't yet time to talk about it. Not while the cuts still had to sting, and did Gavin even know what had been etched into him? Did those who had done it tell him? It wasn't Jack, no way. Michael believed a lot of shit, probably more than he should, but that was out of the question.

"I told you about this old story my mother used to tell me, right? About the warrior who was forever fighting a terrible monster," he reminded Gavin instead. "The warrior was also trapped in this loop. Every time the monster would defeat her, she would wake up again a day before the battle and every time she would face the monster again."

"How did the story end?"

"With all that she had learned, the warrior was finally able to beat the monster. After the battle she fell into a deep sleep, only to be greeted by the rising moon of a new night." Michael shrugged. "Maybe to break your cycle, you just have to survive."

"Everyone will die one day. I'm not immortal."

"It's not about surviving in the story though," Ray threw in. "If that was the goal the warrior could've just turned around and run away. She had to beat the monster to break the cycle."

"There's no damn monster here, Ray."

"I meant this as a metaphor, idiot."

"You think I have to do something to stop all of this from happening again?" Gavin asked and sat up. His hand went to touch his shoulder, but Ray stopped him. "But what is it? I helped with the draught, didn't I? You think that was it?"

Shrugging, Michael said, "How the hell should I know? Maybe if you live longer there will be a monster coming. Would make things easier in my opinion."

"It's obvious, isn't it?" Ray added, and when they all turned towards him, he stared at them, flabbergasted. "Really, guys? Gavin, you get born over and over again and each time you land in this castle, right?"

"I mean, as far as I know? I only remember one loop, so..."

"How likely is that? Fine, King Ramsey would probably always take you back here to figure shit out, but he kept you. He made you his heir of all things." Ray pulled on Gavin's scarf as if to remind him of his place. "Your goal to break out of the cycle is to become King, isn't it?"

Gavin stared at him, completely stunned, Michael also raised his brows. As far as he was concerned that made sense, but Gavin carefully shook his head.

"I was King before."

Ray deflated a little. "Right..."

"But you were killed soon after?"

"I'm not sure how long I was King," Gavin admitted. "Not long though. The kingdom was still mourning Geoff's passing, so it was less than a year."

"Maybe that is it then. You weren't a King long enough," Ray said. "That's the only thing I can think of at the top of my head."

"Geoff grew sick. I wonder if I'm supposed to stop that from happening."

"Just do both," Michael threw in. "We'll try to make sure that Geoff doesn't get sick and you'll become King once your time comes. We'll get rid of anyone who might hurt you so that you live a long life. Sounds like a happy end for everyone."

It wasn't that easy. Gavin still looked at him with something like hope, like he wanted to pretend that was the solution to everything. It faded a moment later when he seemed to realize what they were saying, how much work it was and how dangerous. They needed a plan, they needed to know everything, and then they would have to avoid anything life threw at them.

He watched as Gavin folded under the weight of it all. "I don't know..."

"You make a choice and stick to it," Michael told him and for a moment he saw his mother, sitting there in her rocking chair, and oh how he had wanted to stay with her forever. But he was sent here and it had been the right choice in the end. He hadn't done it himself, he had been forced to it, but here he was, sitting around the fire with the future King as one of his most trusted.

"Good things come to those who work hard," he echoed her words. Could nearly feel her hands holding on to his to comfort him. She loved him, he knew a part of her did, but in the prospect of coin and to save their name she had gladly sold him off.

"Make a choice and stick to it. That's all you can really do."

How proud she would be to see him at this very moment.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys pls comment.   
> I got one (1) comment last update and it's super disheartening.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Gavin grew cold because he's scared." And now he was maybe revealing a bit too much, but it was Jeremy, and he did trust Jeremy. "I'm hoping that if we protect him enough he can feel safe and we will get our old Gavin back."
> 
> He didn't know when that would be. If they'd even know they had slain the monster trapping them in this cycle or if they had to find out at the end of their story.
> 
> "Well, I guess we just have to do that!"

Chapter 7

Ray pressed himself against his side, radiating heat, and Michale hummed, content. He had come in right after his training, and after the winter wind the raging fire felt nice.

"You're freezing," Ray told him needlessly, a burning hand laying on his knee. Michael was still rubbing his hair dry with the towel Ray had brought him. It was snowing heavily outside and he could feel it melt on the nape of his neck.

The door opened and Ray's hand disappeared from his leg. He got up to greet both Gavin and Jeremy, and Michael missed his warmth already.

"We had dinner with Geoff," Gavin assured Ray. "I hope you guys didn't wait for us."

"No way, Michael just came in as well."

Michael gave a lazy wave from his place on the chaise and Gavin grinned at him.

"Did you get the books I asked for, Ray?"

"Yeah, I put them on your desk."

The silver circlet on his hair reflected the firelight when Gavin followed Ray towards the back of the room where he usually worked. They began to talk with each other, and while Michael let his eyes wander up the line of Ray's shoulders, Jeremy threw himself next to him.

"I just had dinner with the King," he said, his voice dreamlike, and Michael couldn't help but grin.

It had been four months since Gavin had officially been announced as the heir and still, Jeremy seemed to have a hard time grasping it.

"Lucky you. I had dinner in the dining hall, like a peasant."

"Hey, your own fault. You didn't want to accompany Gavin during the day."

"I’d rather eat in the dining hall for the rest of my life than sit through all those meetings."

Jeremy huffed, but didn't talk back. Neither of them was super fond of the political side of things, but that was the price they had to pay. Michael didn't mind the sleepless nights, sitting out here and waiting for morning. Gavin was a light sleeper at the best of times and often sat awake with him, so it wasn't as lonely as one might think. Even on nights where neither he or Ray joined him, it was fine by him.

The fire was always going, so it was warm and dry, and sometimes Michael would snatch one of Gavin's books for himself. Usually, those were grim stories, stories about death, demons, and curses. Though, he also found stories about heroes and noble blood. Some new, others familiar.

His family was proud of him. They had assured him of that in one of their letters. Michael had half expected them to show up, either to his accolades or later, during Gavin's coronation. They hadn't and he figured he was glad for that. By now he could remember their lettering better than their faces, and he wasn't sure if he wanted a reminder.

As long as he sent part of his pay their way, as long as he steadied the reputation of their name, nothing would change.

He wondered for how long.

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

Michael startled out of his thoughts. Realized he'd been staring at both Gavin and Ray. When he turned to Jeremy though, he could tell that he wasn't the only one.

"Of course."

"It's about Gavin."

Michael tried not to pull a face. Jeremy still had no idea what was going on. Michael wasn't sure if Gavin would ever come around to telling him. Part of Michael understood that it was hard for Gavin to trust anyone besides the two of them, even more so after he had remembered his own death. It wasn't like Michael doubted Gavin, at this point, he was too far in to have second guesses about all of this, but to think that Jack of all people would hurt him was... hard.

And now all this lying. Michael wasn't a very good liar, he despised it, most of all when it was Jeremy.

He liked Jeremy, and for him, Jeremy was just as much a part of this ragtag group than anyone else.

"What about him?"

Jeremy bit down on his bottom lip and scooted closer.

"He's... different than before. I thought it was the stress of becoming Geoff's heir and stuff, but I figured that by now..."

He trailed off, unsure, but Michael knew exactly what he meant. Ever since Gavin remembered his death, he had grown cold towards others. Michael knew he wasn't the only one who had noticed, he could see it in the hurt surprise on Jack's face, but it was somehow good to know that Jeremy had noticed as well.

And he could understand it, he wasn't even sure what he would do if he had all this shit in his head, doubled with all that was going on anyway. He would probably explode for all he knew.

It wasn't like Gavin had grown cruel or anything, he wouldn't go that far, but distant and detached? Yeah, even he had noticed that and he usually saw him in this room where he was more relaxed than anywhere else.

Jeremy probably noticed it more while he was accompanying him during court sessions or in the meetings with the few who actually believed in that Oracle bullshit.

It was in Gavin’s eyes, the eyes of the stranger. Sometimes Michael caught them. He didn't like them very much.

"I don't think he can be the same as before. Before people were walking all over him, but now as the Crown Prince he has to be sure of himself," Michael said, quietly enough so that his voice didn't carry towards the other two, still occupied with their books.

"I know, but..."

"Gavin grew cold because he's scared." And now he was maybe revealing a bit too much, but it was Jeremy, and he did trust Jeremy. "I'm hoping that if we protect him enough he can feel safe and we will get our old Gavin back."

He didn't know when that would be. If they'd even know they had slain the monster trapping them in this cycle or if they had to find out at the end of their story.

"Well, I guess we just have to do that!"

Jeremy grinned at him and instantly Michael felt a little lighter. Yeah, in the end, that was all they could do, wasn’t it?

"Are you about to head out?" he asked Jeremy because it had been a long day for him as well. This time Jeremy shook his head though and got up to sit opposite of him.

"Rather figured I could beat you in some game."

"As if you could!"

Jeremy could, and later when Ray and Gavin joined them, he won again. It was a nice evening.

The years passed in the horrifying way they always did. Sometimes Gavin looked back, surprised how much time had vanished since then. Bad things continued to happen, but he figured that was just how things were and he didn't mind as much because there were also good things. Way more good things than bad.

There was always someone around, usually Jeremy, and during endless meetings and court sessions they would share glances that sometimes sent them into breathless giggles.

There was also Ray on the days where he stayed in his room to work. Ray with his calm presence and bright mind, who helped him with fetching things or reading up on topics that overwhelmed him.

During the night when the nightmares came back, Michael was there and waited with a set of cards for him. Sometimes they just talked, and his presence was enough to soothe his frantically beating heart and allow him to go back to bed.

Of course, there was also Jack, and that was weird. Every word from him, every touch reminded him of the sword in his hand, the heartbreak in his eyes as he raised it and brought it down.

Every time Jack entered a room, Gavin was reminded of how this man had killed him.

He couldn't forgive him, no matter how much he knew that it wasn't this Jack, that this Jack had done nothing wrong and to think that he would harm him was far fetched at best. But it sent a spark through him each time, a sense of danger and crushing sadness.

No, he couldn't just shake it off.

Besides that, it would be easy to forget. After his coronation, the dissenting voices had grown loud and had called him out, but over the years they had fallen quiet. Even more so when he also took his role as the Royal Oracle.

And Geoff wasn't sick, was the thing. Geoff was full of life, was sharing his tasks more and more with him, and Geoff was proud. There was a pride in his eyes whenever he looked at Gavin in the throne room that was honest enough to squeeze his heart.

Gavin wanted to work hard for him, wanted to be good, and learn, and be a worthy successor. He loved him so much that it was nearly enough to just leave all those nightmares behind, and for long stretches of time he could nearly forget. 

When he was so busy and simply happy he could turn his back on the past, could pretend it was nothing more than fleeting thoughts and everything would stay the way it's been.

Surely he had changed enough, people weren't after him as much as he remembered and somehow he had kept Geoff from getting sick.

It was the happy end he had envisioned and sometimes he truly believed it. Other times he scolded himself for it. 

Him being born again had to have a purpose and by now he couldn't be sure that he had slain his monster. It was hard to tell when exactly Geoff had grown sick in the _before_ and there was no way to know if he had truly changed that outcome.

Every time Geoff would look at him with eyes full of pride and love, Gavin had to remind himself not to lose this. That this time he could change it and he would do everything to keep his family, no matter the cost.

Maybe this right here was part of it, he wondered as he stood in front of his followers. The Oracle hadn't existed in the _before_ and Gavin was still unsure how exactly it had happened. It wasn't like he had done much or had predicted anything meaningful like the draught as a child. What he did forecast were obvious things, things like the weather and noble marriages he could blearily remember.

Still, people flocked to see him during the few instances when he stepped into the public eye. It was ridiculous.

There were nobles, influential people, and further in the back were commoners, people with simple clothes that stared at him with wide eyes.

It was outright weird. Often he didn't know what to tell them. So all he did was assure them of a bright future under the Ramsey name or reminded them of new laws. It helped Geoff and it helped his own reputation and so he played along.

After it was all said and done, Jeremy guided him out of the hall and back towards the castle. In the beginning, being outside the thick walls that protected them had been eerie, but by now Gavin was over twenty and more sure of himself. Also, Jeremy was right by his side and he had proven himself time and time again.

"There were more nobles than usual," Jeremy stated after a while. They spoke quietly because they were still being watched, but Gavin nodded.

"I noticed so as well. It seems like they are multiplying each time."

He fought not to tug on his collar. The cloak of the Royal Oracle was violet and freaking heavy. When he had been younger he had nearly drowned in it and even now he felt like it was too big. He was pretty sure he could hide completely in it, but had never tried.

It was inspired by the old cloaks of the sorcerers, only that they certainly hadn't worn gold and jewels. But it was demanding of respect and it did its job well.

"That's good, isn't it?" Jeremy asked. "You have more influence then."

"Don't let them fool you, they just come here for a chance in my new court," Gavin told him before huffing, "They are not wrong though, I would prefer them over the current court any day."

Jeremy came closer until their arms brushed and whispered, "Are you thinking about it already? Your new court?"

He nodded, because it was something he'd been wracking his mind about for a while. The fact that Jack had killed him before was painful, but he had forced himself to dissect the memory further. It had been during a court session, and when he looked past Jack, he could see Lady Reese sitting there. The greed in her eyes as he watched him kneel was enough to turn one's stomach, and there was the hand in his hair. He hadn't been able to see, had never turned around to watch who was holding him down, but he figured it was Reyson. Yeah, that would fit.

"Is it better to surround yourself with those who fake loyalty or those who proudly show their resentment?" Jeremy wondered, and Gavin felt strangely chastised by that. It was a good question though, and he shook his head.

"I don't know," he admitted. "I couldn't trust either of them."

"But isn't a court there to help you?"

It never had. He rather got the feeling that they put any stone in his way they could find. Each time he so much as brought something up in a meeting, it was wrong or foolish, and he couldn't count on Geoff to always defend him. No, he was old enough now to fight his own battles.

"I guess it's fine if you have some you can trust completely though," Jeremy told him, and when Gavin turned to him, he grinned.

The guilt slammed into him just a second later and again he was nearly ready to spill everything. Right here on the street, no matter who listened in or was watching. It wasn't the first time the words laid on his tongue and it wouldn't be the last, but his eyes darted down to Jeremy's chest.

The crest there was shining in the sun, right above his heart, and while Gavin had gifted it to him the day Jeremy had become a warrior, he knew what it meant. Dedicated to the Ramsey bloodline, to Geoff, and while Gavin didn't doubt that Jeremy would help him if he decided to ask, it might one day conflict with what Geoff would want. Yeah, he got the feeling that one day they wouldn't see eye to eye, and who would Jeremy follow then?

If he couldn't trust Jack, then how could he count on Jeremy?

Sighing, he turned away and let the words die once more in the same cowardly way like always.

"I trust you," he said instead, and it was only half a lie. He did trust Jeremy, just not with this. He couldn't because he had also trusted Jack.

Jeremy laughed awkwardly at that and Gavin figured it was a bit too honest for a simple talk out here, but he needed him to know if only to calm his conscience down.

"Well, if you say it like that." Jeremy jostled his shoulder. "Then trust me tonight."

"What's tonight?"

"You'll see."

"Geoff will hang you," Ray said, pointing first to Jeremy before letting his finger wander to Michael instead, "and then you. I really hope I'm not next. Gavin, will you tell the King that I had nothing to do with this?"

"Only because you asked nicely."

"Good. If you get two new guards it can only be an upgrade from these two idiots."

Michael's hand landed on his head and ruffled his hair. "It'll be fine. You act like we are going out into war."

Ray brushed him away. "Someone here has to be the voice of reason."

"Your voice of reason has been heard and then overturned," Jeremy told him good naturedly. "Gavin will be fine with all three of us around. If someone recognizes him in the first place."

Gavin had to agree that he didn't look like himself. Without his circlet and the jewelry, he looked strangely small. Jeremy had brought him a simple, brown coat that he pulled over his clothes and he had even put down his scarf.

He could understand Ray's hesitation, but honestly? He was just too excited. Never before had he snuck out of the castle, and never before had he visited a pub.

Jeremy did occasionally and he knew that Michael had once or twice with his fellow warriors, but he would never dare.

Now though-

"Ray, not even you would recognize me like this. Look!" He spread his arms and turned for him. Ray looked wonderfully unimpressed.

"I would. Your nose has been burned into my mind."

"Ray, no!"

With a sigh, Ray gave in. He did, however, carry his old rapier underneath his cape, and nobody stopped him. They were all armed besides Gavin himself, but he had a good feeling about tonight.

They left the castle without anyone stopping them, and why would they? It wasn't like he was a prisoner here; he should investigate the city that would be his eventually. Maybe not with the setting darkness and to get drunk, though.

Geoff just didn't need to know.

Looking up the night stretched endlessly above them and Gavin smiled when he found the Guiding Star.

"It's steady tonight," he told Ray as they wandered through the streets. "Everything will be fine then."

Ray huffed, but also threw a look up.

Jeremy held the door to the pub open and the waft of stale beer, unwashed skin, and heat greeted them. It was loud, full, and somehow not what Gavin had expected at all.

"And people go here for entertainment, eugh" Ray muttered under his breath, a hand on the small of Gavin's back as they followed Jeremy. They weaved their way through the crowd until they found an empty table which was a miracle in itself.

Michale guided him to sit in the corner before sitting down next to him, boxing him in. That way whoever wanted to get to him had to get through Michael first.

That was reassuring, but now that Gavin settled and looked around, he relaxed. Nobody was watching them or had noticed them coming in.

"I didn't know there would be so many guards here," he said when Jeremy made his way towards the bar.

"This place is close to the castle," Michael explained to him. "So it's the first stop for many of them. There are some pubs further down in the city that aren't as busy, but this is the most popular one."

Gavin hummed and let his eyes wander. Now that he looked closer he wondered if those guards didn't know exactly who he was. Nobody was outright staring at them, but there were some glances towards them. Even if they didn't recognize him in his disguise, surely they would know Jeremy and Michael, maybe even Ray with his red, red cape. To figure out who he was shouldn't be too hard.

The way towards the door was hidden behind a wall of bodies and for a second it made him nervous. Then his eyes fell on the necklaces some of them wore.

It was the golden eye, albeit not golden, but carved into wooden charms, and now as he was looking for it, he also saw some with the symbol branded on the sheaths of their weapons.

Huh.

He turned to ask Michael about it, but Michael was busy staring at Ray, who was busy staring at the bar. When Gavin followed his gaze to Jeremy. That wasn't the only thing though. Gavin felt goosebumps break out all over his arms.

Jeremy was leaning against the bar, waiting for his turn while talking to someone next to him. They obviously knew each other and Gavin did as well. It was hard to tell over the distance and with so many people between them, but he knew them, he just couldn't place them.

The stranger looked up and their eyes met. It sent a shock through Gavin's system.

_Alfredo._

Alfredo and his smirk when he placed a chess piece down, knowing he would win. Alfredo who was simply more patient at the game than him, but sometimes Gavin took him by surprise, and if he did the other grew flustered and whatever sign of strategy he had went out the window.

Alfredo who had piqued Geoff's interest.

Alfredo who didn't shy away from touching him, even with the crown on his head. Who had told him to be more firm even if grief was ripping through his insides, at a time he wanted to still turn his head to ask for Geoff's opinion even if he wasn't there anymore.

"Could both of you stop ogling him, Gods!"

Michael's voice startled him and he realized he was outright staring at this man and Alfredo had noticed, raising one brow at him. Flustered Gavin turned back away.

"I can ogle whoever I want, Michael," Ray told him good-naturedly.

That clearly ruffled Michael's feathers. "Enlighten me, what's so special about him?"

"I mean do you not see his chest?"

Michael's scowl was so deep, Gavin feared it would be etched permanently on his face. It made him giggle. That's how Jeremy found them as he returned with their drinks.

"What's so funny?"

"Who's your friend, Jer?" Ray asked instantly.

"Oh, Alfredo? He's a merc who comes here often."

"A merc," Michael huffed, dismissive like he couldn't tell Ray was just riling him up. That was hysterical, but hearing his name also meant Gavin did remember him. It was a distant memory though, one he couldn't quite place, and he threw another glance towards the bar.

Alfredo was watching them, noticed him staring, and lifted his drink towards him.

Ray was eager to return the gesture even though his eyes darted to Michael instead, who looked ready to explode. It broke Gavin out of this new déjà vu feeling and he pushed it aside. Not tonight, he decided. He wanted to enjoy tonight, and when he turned towards his drink, he caught Jeremy's eyes.

He was nodding towards the fuming Michael, and Gavin had to hide his laughter behind his hand. Yeah, tonight was just for them.

"How are you such a lightweight?"

"I'm not! I'm not even drunk!" Ray protested, but didn't fight against Michael's arm wrapped around his middle.

"Says the one who couldn't even walk straight through the pub."

"I stumbled over someone's foot!"

"Sure."

Behind them, Gavin and Jeremy giggled. The night air felt good on their flushed faces and their voices seemed very loud in the empty streets. They hadn't stayed out too late and honestly, Gavin was pretty sure Ray wasn't drunk in the slightest. He just had one glass of mead that he probably hadn't even finished, but he found no use in telling Michael that.

Michael hadn't touched the drinks at all; after all, he still had to sit up the remainder of the night, so he knew.

"Did you enjoy yourself?" Jeremy asked him.

The two of them were walking a bit behind the other two, close enough to let their shoulders brush against each other.

"I did. Thanks for bringing me out here."

Jeremy shrugged, but Gavin couldn't quite take his eyes from him. In the pale moonlight, it was hard to make out his expression, but Gavin got a feeling.

"Did you bring me here to show me all those guards bearing my symbol?"

"You said that the nobles carrying the golden eye didn't mean much and I trust you on that. It makes sense that they just want to get in good favor with the future King, but the warriors and knights you saw in there? They wear it for the sake of you."

"I didn't realize the Oracle was popular among the ranks."

"Very much so!" Jeremy told him. "It's tradition to pray to the Gods before a fight, but honestly? Over time that wears thin. The Oracle is something approachable, something they can grasp. I think that's why you're so popular."

He turned towards him and the moonlight reflected in his eyes, painting them nearly silver. "You should visit them before a fight the next time. Tell them things will be fine, I think it would raise morale."

He had never considered that. Standing in front of warriors meant standing in front of people who had ridiculed and hurt him during childhood, but oh, how the tables had turned.

It would be a chance for payback, to single out those he knew and demonstrate his power over them. After all, that's what they had done to him.

But tonight he felt no need for that. Not when the crisp night air felt so soothing on his face, not when Michael and Ray stumbled along as if both of them were drunk because they were trying their hardest to step on the other's toes.

Not when for once he walked the streets of the city without fear.

Turning to Jeremy, they ignored Michael's pained grunt and Ray, who quickly danced away, breathless with laughter.

"I think I will do so. Thank you, Jer."

* * *

Michael walked around the table to fill all of the goblets with wine. The first time Gavin had brought him into the private chambers of the King, he had trembled so hard that he feared he would spill it all. Now it was a familiar motion and a welcome alternative to an evening sitting up alone for hours. Inside this room was The King and The Councilor. A King who was so horrifyingly normal that sometimes he thought of the man in here and the man on the throne as different people.

That was probably normal and needed. Sometimes he sat with them at the table and wondered how his life had put him here. The plan had been to train at the castle and then return to his family, maybe protect the border to Rhyst or just stay in their city. Certainly not to sit in the King's chambers.

"You shouldn't drink as much."

Gavin's voice cut through the comfortable buzz of the room while Michael corked the wine bottle again. Geoff laughed at that.

"I haven't even started, bud."

"Still, you shouldn't. I just- it's bad."

That was strange, after all, Gavin was holding on to his own goblet and neither of them had taken so much as a sip. When Michael turned towards him, he found the strange faraway look on him, he sometimes got. Like he remembered something.

Oh.

"Everything alright, Gavin?" Jack put a hand on his arm and Gavin violently flinched. He pushed himself away, the chair screeching over the floor and cutting through every comfortable atmosphere they had here.

"Gav?"

Gavin opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Instead, he threw a helpless glance at Michael as if he had any fucking idea of what was going on.

"Sorry," he finally blurted out, which didn't quite help. "I just... um, I read a thesis about how too much alcohol could make you sick."

Geoff just waved him off. "Too much of anything will make you sick if you listen to all those people."

"Right..."

"But maybe we should hold back a bit," Jack agreed, but Geoff just rolled his eyes.

"Don't kid yourself. We're all fine and we're all healthy. Do I look sick to you, Gav?"

He didn't. Geoff looked like always, maybe a bit stressed, but he was running a kingdom. Still, Gavin stared at him as if he saw something completely different.

Michael got the feeling he knew exactly what kind of picture he saw.

"It's the alcohol," Gavin said the moment the door to the King's chambers fell close behind them. "I'm so stupid, it wasn't a sickness. It was the alcohol!"

His hand wrapped around Michael's arm as he continued, something frantic in his voice, "I knew it had to happen soon because Alfredo is in the city. I don't know when or how, but Geoff will notice him. He will become part of Jack's spies, but disguised as one of Geoff's guards. Right? Was that what happened?"

This was a question for himself. Michael didn't interrupt him, not with the concentrated look on his face. Then he shook his head.

"Doesn't matter. It's not about Alfredo, but if he's already here it can't take that much longer, right? He is the last thing I remember before... before the fever."

Gavin's breathing sped up and his fingers dug bruises into Michael's arm. 

"Hey," Michael began, but Gavin wasn't even listening.

"Why didn't I remember this sooner? Why didn't I connect the dots? Is it already too late?" His eyes finally found Michael's and he dared to drown in them.

"After all these years... I couldn't stop this at all."

"Wait." Michael took a hold on him and pulled him aside, into the shadows between two torches. It was unlikely that someone was listening in on them this far into the heart of the castle, but nothing of this should fall onto the wrong ears.

"Now you know, right? And Geoff is right, he's healthy for now. Talk to him, properly."

"He won't believe me. He won't listen, he-"

"Geoff loves you. If you tell him the truth-"

"Jack won't believe me," Gavin interrupted him, shaking his head wildly. "No way Jack will and Geoff will listen to him. If they think me unfit, they might take the crown from me, and I can't- I can't do this again."

He was shaking and Michael bit down on his lip. As for him, he was pretty sure that Geoff would listen, that Geoff would believe Gavin in some way, but Gavin did know him better. Also, to think that they might just throw everything away that they had built over these years was scary.

"Then just ask him to cut on his drinks. If you do, and not just jump it on him like you did just now, I'm sure he will!"

* * *

"He didn't listen." Gavin's words were tumbling all over each other. He had just come back from a private talk with Geoff and Michael's heart sank a little when he saw his distraught face. 

"Geoff said that I should quit worrying. That he was fine, that he didn't have a problem." Gavin hid his face behind his hands. "It will happen again. He will die. He will die, just like he did before."

* * *

"To poison the King," Ray spluttered. It was unusual to see something outright bothering him, but Michael figured this was a pretty good reason to finally get beneath his skin.

"You said yourself it wouldn't be lethal," he answered. His tongue felt numb.

"That's hardly the point, Michael!" Ray made a harsh gesture towards Gavin's bedroom where he was currently resting. "If the King finds out he won't be the one who hangs!"

They were in Ray's room, adjacent to the main room of Gavin's chambers. There wasn't a lot inside, a bed, a desk to work on, and some shelves to store his belongings. It wasn't big, but Ray managed to walk the entire length slowly while still appearing agitated.

"Gavin won't force you to do it."

Ray glared at him and could feel the anger come from him. He knew his own rage was red hot, but Ray's was cold, nearly freezing. Huh, he had never noticed that.

"You act like we have a choice. What can we do besides follow along?"

"We tell King Ramsey."

"So that Gavin will have our head? I don't care who sends us to the gallows in the end."

"No, the truth. We tell Geoff the truth."

Ray shook his head and continued his pacing. "He won't believe us. If he won't believe Gavin, you really think our word would hold any weight?"

Michael fell quiet and wondered why they were even talking about this. As for him, he already knew how this would end. To see Ray struggle against things that were already set in stone was strange. But he guessed they all reacted to the shock of Gavin's idea differently.

He himself felt frozen, but the fact remained that he had made his decision already.

Ray worked out his restless energy for a while longer, but Michael could see that he was calming down.

"Once a choice has been made, stick to it." He spat Michael's words right back at him, the words of his mother, and Michael couldn't recall her face anymore. The chair she was sitting in, the glinting needles as she worked, and the feeling of her skirt, yes. But not her eyes.

"I owe Gavin more than anyone else," Michael said in defense. "More than my parents, who just sent me away, more than the King who just wants me for my talent. Certainly, more than myself because without him I wouldn't be here."

A new kind of fury clouded Ray's face and he stopped in front of him again.

"Gavin wasn't the one who trained every day out there on the battlefield. That was you! That was you training until you couldn't lift your sword anymore. I know because I was there." His fist crashed against Michael's chest, but there wasn't enough strength behind it to harm. "I was there! Since the beginning!"

"I know."

Ray's shoulders were heaving as he sucked breath after breath in and Michael wondered if he should embrace him. In the end, he didn't quite dare, too scared that the ice would sink into his arms as well.

"Once a choice has been made," Ray whispered to himself but didn't finish the sentence. It wasn't needed. When he looked up again, his eyes stared right at him. They were dark and Michael knew that Ray could get intense, that Ray carried darkness beneath his skin that Michael hadn't quite reached yet, but more than once he had seen it.

It was in each time he picked himself up, it was what had pushed him through training even though he was the smallest, weakest of the bunch. It made him laugh like nothing mattered and brush anything aside that dared to trouble him.

Not for the first time, Michael wondered who had hurt him so bad, but if they were honest, he knew it too well. After all, he wasn't the only one sent away to die for coins and pretty words. Like any of them had been asked to be born.

It was just that the two of them reacted to it in different ways. Cold or heated, like one or the other mattered.

There were other ways out of this situation, they both knew it. 

They could deny Gavin. It wasn't like he could overpower them, like they weren't stronger. Michael was pretty sure Gavin loved them too deeply to simply replace them.

They could run away, never to be seen again. Steal some of Gavin's riches and disappear into the night, and Michael could nearly see that in his inner eye, could feel the evening air on his skin.

But who was he kidding?

This right here was all they had and all they knew. They also loved too deeply, had walked right into the same trap as in the _before_. Both of them would gladly die for Gavin because that's what they'd been taught. Because destiny found it funny to test their resolve, to throw them in front of danger time and time again.

Ray thought the same, Michael could see it in his eyes and with a deep sigh, any anger faded from his body.

Why bother fighting against something that couldn't be changed?

Gods above, how he sometimes envied Jeremy for not knowing. For being free and unremembered by the dead boy.

Envy didn't change a thing though, and they gave in, had since the beginning. After all, if a choice had been made, you had to stick to it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fine, then here's the truth. I'm not sick. I've been poisoned."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally connecting the two stories!

Chapter 8

"Lord Reyson is a fool and a tool and couldn't keep his mouth shut even if his life depended on it," Gavin protested as he pushed the door open to Geoff's chambers. "We should just kick him out of the court!"

"We can't kick him out of the court, he's too influential up north," Geoff reminded him, apparently not even startled that he had just barged in like that. Gavin knew that it wouldn't be that easy, but he could dream.

"His ass is the most influential part of him!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Michael behind him asked.

"It means that everything that comes out of Reyson's arse is more useful than whatever he spews from his mouth!" As if that wasn't obvious!

"His words are all he has in court, don't let them rile you up."

With a huff, Gavin let himself drop onto a seat and reached for the goblet of wine meant for him. By now he was quite good at not hesitating before drinking because he knew it wouldn't harm him. Every time he returned to his room, Ray would be waiting with the antidote.

The same couldn't be said about Geoff though. Gavin had noticed how he seemed paler, a little less lively. He had mentioned a nasty cough. Even started straying from the alcohol as if his subconsciousness knew it was making him sick.

It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't right; yet it was better than the alternative. Yeah, it was just for Geoff's own good.

He drank down the doubt with another gulp.

Jack joined them at the table soon after. It was shaping up to be a normal evening until Geoff said; "Michael? Wait outside."

Gavin looked up from his wine as Michael took his leave hesitatingly. A bad feeling crept up on him.

"What's going on?" Jack asked, and Gavin couldn't even turn to look at him.

Geoff sat down by his side, close enough to touch. A part of Gavin wanted to jump up and run.

"I need to talk to you about things that can't leave this room under any circumstances."

"And you don't trust Michael to keep his mouth shut?" he asked, nearly challenging, but Geoff didn't rise to it. Surely if it was something about the kingdom, Geoff would trust Michael enough to listen in. It wasn't like Michael was kept out of the loop, if he wanted to spy on them he could do so easily. Fuck, Gavin did his work in the same room as him, but if it wasn't that-

"Is it about your health concerns?"

"I talked to the best doctors this kingdom can offer and they've come to an agreement that it isn't a simple sickness."

No-

"But you're just coughing!" Gavin spat out like he had to convince Geoff to think otherwise. Instead, Geoff just took his hand, and Gavin held on tight. Preventing himself from running away.

"You lied to me, didn't you? Didn't tell me the truth about how you're doing. It's not just a few coughs here and there."

"It's not," Geoff told him softly. "I didn't want to unnerve y-"

"You trust me with this kingdom, then trust me enough to tell me the truth!" Too aggressive, but he couldn't get his tongue to stop forming words.

"Fine, then here's the truth. I'm not sick. I've been poisoned."

Fuck.

Gavin could feel himself pale. This had always been an option, he had known that. Nonetheless, after a couple of months of sneaking the poison in, he had started to hope that their plan was sound.

Ray had assured him that they could maybe go for three more months; and afterward Geoff wouldn't have any lasting effects. Although., a sickly King... A sickly King couldn't rule. ll it needed was a simple order, all he needed was the crown on Geoff's head, and his monster was dead.

They were so close to stopping this cycle!

"How?" He forced himself to talk, barely noticing how he was tugging on Geoff's hand. "When have you been poisoned? What... what does that mean?"

Geoff explained things to him that he already knew because Ray had researched them before. Because they had to make absolutely sure not to harm Geoff. That was the last thing he wanted.

His eyes fell on the goblets in front of them, noticing that Geoff's hadn't been touched. Oh how funny. 

"You tested us?"

"If you wanted to poison me, wouldn't you poison my liquor?"

Gavin had to bite down on his tongue until it hurt. There was hysterical laughter bubbling up because yes, Geoffrey. That would be exactly what he would do.

Being angry sounded easier.

"That's why you sent Michael out," Gavin protested. "Because he's a suspect? No way! Geoff, he would nev-"

"The people I let in here are people I trust. There are more reasonable explanations than those of my close circle." Geoff stopped him with a raised hand. "It could be the cleaning staff, even though I don’t see what they would gain from it. It also might not be the wine in the first place."

The cleaning staff, right. The laughing bubble was still there, swelling in his throat.

Jack was talking now, surely pointing out good things and Gavin had to force himself to focus.

"But we're drinking with you," he blurted out and held his goblet up like it was a piece of evidence. "I mean, Jack might not drink as much as we do, but I-"

"But you, Gavin, are a lot younger than I am. Your body is way stronger than mine, also you don't like whiskey while I do. It might be in there," Geoff said. Or, Gavin wanted to add, he ingested the antidote each evening. "There are a lot of possibilities, so now we have to figure out what exactly it is."

"But it's good that you know, right? Now you can... I don't know, take an antidote or something?"

"I can and I've already begun," Geoff assured him and Gavin didn't know what expression to wear. How well would the antidote work after all this time? Would it destroy all progress they had made? "I should get better soon, but that brings new problems."

"Whoever tried to poison you will realize that it's not working. They might try something more drastic next," Jack said, and that startled Gavin out of his trance.

They wouldn't. By the Gods, they would never outright harm Geoff! He was right about to say that, just so he could at least take that concern from Geoff, but instead, he quickly hid his expression behind his hands. Right now he wasn't sure what his face showed. 

"That's... that's awful. Geoff..."

"That's why it's important to stay quiet." And there was Jack, chastising him like always. As if he was innocent, as if he hadn't done horrible things in the  _ before _ . After all, Gavin sure as well knew not to trust him. "I mean it, no word to anyone outside of this room, Gavin. Not to Michael, Jeremy, or Ray, no matter how much you want-"

"I'm not stupid, okay?" Gavin snapped at him and reached for his wine before realizing again that it was poisoned. He had known that before, but now he also had to act like it bothered him.

Crossing his arms instead, he leaned back and tried to keep his mouth shut. Jack wouldn't let him.

"Don't go anywhere without your guards," he said with all his fake concern. "I mean it, take Michael or Jeremy with you. Tell them to be alert, but nothing more."

"Or Ray," he added because he hated how the two of them forgot him. As if he wasn't capable.

"Michael or Jeremy," Geoff cut in, more forceful than Gavin figured was necessary.

"But Ray-"

"You will take the two warriors with you that were trained to protect you and I won't allow an objection on that matter."

Oh. Oh, from their point of view some stranger was after the throne. 

"I might be the next target," he said. "I'm the crown prince and if they are after this kingdom..."

"They'll have to get you as well." 

Right, right. He would have to keep that in mind. 

Another thing that he concerned Geoff with, and he didn't want that. He didn't want Geoff to find out in the first place. Yeah, he would've gotten sick, but he would've recovered afterward. All that mattered was the crown and on whose head it was sitting on. At least Gavin hoped so.

That was the choice he had made after all.

Geoff's hand brushed against him and he nearly jumped, figuring they would wrap around his throat, like Geoff knew, like Geoff would be capable of hurting him.

Instead, Geoff just cupped his face and forced him to look into his eyes.

"I promised you before. You are safe within the walls of this castle."

A lie. Being inside this castle hadn't protected him at all. He could still feel the raised lines on his shoulder, could still trace BASTARD with the tips of his fingers.

Geoff meant well, but Geoff didn’t have his eyes everywhere. Gavin had accepted that.

“All I need you to do is be smart and attentive and brave. Alright?"

"Alright," Gavin breathed, and lying was easier now when there were two who did it. "We just have to find out who it is, right?"

"Exactly."

"So what do you need me to do?"

"Right now? Nothing actually, act like nothing has changed," Geoff told him. "Go back to your chambers and keep your eyes open, but not your damn mouth, okay?"

Gavin huffed and Geoff pinched his cheeks like this was all a game.

It kind of was, just that Geoff hadn't realized yet who he was playing against.

"Go and tell Michael that we talked about boring political stuff. Super secret stuff or something, and now you're annoyed because that doesn't belong in your free time, right? I'll let you know when something changes."

He was sent away like a little child. When would Geoff finally stop doing that? It was annoying, but right now he preferred it.

"Tomorrow," Geoff promised him. Tomorrow they would talk more, but tonight Geoff was tired. He could see it in his eyes and Gavin grew soft.

Geoff was worried over too many things and they were all thanks to him. That wasn't fair, and for a second Gavin wanted to tell him everything. Then he remembered the brittle hand in his, the fever that had wrecked through Geoff's body until nothing was left, not even concern.

So he embraced him instead, with all the strength he had.

"You'll be fine." And it was a promise, one he would try his hardest to keep. "Nothing will happen to you."

Geoff laughed, but that couldn't hide how tight he was holding on to him.

"Go to bed, bud. You drank too much from maybe poisoned wine."

The Guiding Star was flickering like a candle in the wind. Usually, Michael didn't look up because he didn't want to believe in things like that, but tonight he couldn't take his eyes from the sky.

Growing up close to Rhyst he knew a lot about omens and how to predict the future. It wasn't something unheard of, had swept across the area together with dishes, herbs, and stories. Culture rarely bothered with borders.

The Guiding Star was just one of the things; there was also the way the snow fell or what the last leaves in his tea looked like. Useless things he tried to ignore because they weren't skills for a warrior.

Tonight they haunted him.

He forced himself to look away, to concentrate on the sword in front of him. Mogar was laying on the table and while he had brought out everything he needed to maintain the blade, he hadn't touched it yet. It wasn't needed, he had cleaned the sword after training today, so it was rather a reminder.

About the things he had gained and the things he could lose.

A diamond blade, the rarest mineral in the kingdom. Only bestowed upon the finest warriors. Did he deserve it?

What had he done besides decide to stay with Gavin?

Even then, Jeremy hadn't received a diamond weapon. 

That was a stupid thought, and Michael shook his head to get rid of it. Diamond axes weren't common, not with the smaller, throwing ones. You couldn't always retrieve them so it would be considered a waste of resources.

That wasn't quite the reason because Jeremy was different from them, Jeremy wasn't remembered. Michael was, not that it was anything he had actively worked on. It was just like being born, like the blood coursing through one's veins. Noble or common, red like everyone else. Some cards were dealt and those were things he couldn't change; he could only live with it.

A door opened and his eyes darted towards the entrance. Expecting the King's men to come and get them.

Instead, it was Ray, who came from his room. His hair was tousled and Michael wanted to touch it; to smooth it down or mess it up even more, he wasn't sure.

"You can't sleep?" Michael asked, because it was the middle of the night and dawn was still an eternity away.

"Could you if you tried?"

No, probably not.

Ray looked small and young with his nightgown as he sat down next to him. He tucked his bare feet beneath himself, keeping them away from the cold floor.

"Gavin said that they have no idea who it might be," Michael told him. "Geoff said he trusts us."

"Not enough to let you hear the news as well," Ray said. "Trust won't stop him or Jack from taking a close look at us. It'll just make the betrayal more painful."

"I know..."

"I mean, it's probably better like that. I don't want some poor soul to be pulled into this just because they could've done it. The plan was never to actually hurt anyone. Geoff was just meant to grow sick. I don't want anyone else to be punished because of what we've done."

That was an option Michael hadn't even considered yet, and it made his heart sink. Looking back at Mogar, he watched the flames reflect on the diamond blade.

"The more I turn it around in my head, I know that if push comes to shove, I'll be the scapegoat," Ray whispered.

"You won't."

"I mixed the poison. Neither you or Gavin have any knowledge about it; I do. If Geoff suspects one of us, he will come after me."

"I won't let him."

"Would be pretty stupid of you to get pulled into this as well. I did the poisoning myself, neither Gavin, Jeremy, or you have any skill in it. So if someone hangs for it, it'll be me."

Ray scooted closer, the warmth of his bed still clinging to him and sinking into Michael's skin.

"I guess at least if what Gavin said is true, I'll come back. Might be more useful then." He picked up his useless arm before letting it fall back again, a sneer on his face. Michael hated seeing him like that.

"Don't talk like that."

Ray opened his mouth, but when he looked up to him, his face softened. "Sorry."

Michael lifted his arm and Ray quickly cuddled against him. Now he could touch the black hair, letting it run through his fingers and marveled at how soft it was. Like this, it was nearly nice, but Ray was still restless. Michael watched him pick on loose threads of his tunic.

They had seen this coming and had hoped against hope, but now they had to play their part. They could do it, he knew that.

Somehow they could get out of this.

"Whatever happens," he murmured, "it won't happen tonight. So you can try and sleep."

Ray's hand stopped before it settled over Michael's knee. His warmth was burning through his breeches, down to his bones.

"Okay."

Michael could finally feel him relax. Looking down at him, he seemed so familiar, his legs tucked in and Michael wished he had a blanket close by to protect him against the cold. Still, up close by the fire it wasn't as bad, at least he hoped so.

Ray's nightgown was white and woolen and when Michael let his hand wander down its length it felt soft enough. His touch made Ray shiver.

"Tomorrow we'll just do what we always do. We'll get through the day and through the next and the one after that. Until things blow over."

It wouldn't be that easy, they both knew that, but in the middle of the night, those were the words they needed to hear.

So he continued his day just like any other. He woke Ray when the sun rose and when Jeremy joined, he excused himself. Back in his room, he figured Ray was right. He couldn't sleep either, just laid awake and stared out of the window. Usually, he would keep his curtains closed to keep the daylight out, but today he didn't even bother.

A part of him figured that if Geoff would come after him, he would alert the guards and from his room, he had a good enough view over the barracks and training grounds. He would see them coming.

Nothing happened though, and at one point he did drift off. When he woke up, it was because it was too bright in his room, and he didn't feel refreshed in the slightest.

It had to be the early afternoon and nobody had bothered him. Gavin and Jeremy were usually too busy, but sometimes Ray would fetch him for lunch.

Today he didn't, and Michael also didn't have much of an appetite. Still, he forced himself to eat, to go and train, to go through his motions like any other day. Anything else would be suspicious and he had told the same to Ray last night, hadn't he? Get through the day and the next and the one after that.

This whole issue wouldn't just blow over, but... well, they would have to wait and see.

Not even his usual training could take his mind off and afterward he was just more pissed off and frustrated than before. Being patient wasn't his strong suit and not having any news was bothering him, but surely Gavin would know more.

At least he hoped so as he made his way back to his chambers.

When he got there it was surprisingly quiet and he couldn't help but double-check that he hadn't returned too early. On the other hand, it wouldn't be that big of a surprise if Gavin stayed longer in the throne room today.

"Michael?" Ray called.

"Are the other two still out?"

The door to Ray's room was open and he peeked inside to find the other sitting on his bed, holding tightly to a mug in his hand.

"Gavin and Jeremy were here, but headed straight to Geoff," Ray told him, and Michael couldn't help but frown.

"Everything okay?" Because Ray was pale and not quite looking at him. With shaking fingers he placed the mug on his bedside table and patted the space next to him.

"Geoff called me in today," he began to explain when Michael sat down. "Some people saw me researching in the library and he wanted to know if I knew about different poisons."

"But you've been doing that for years! Way before all of this shit!"

"I told him that," Ray said and placed a hand on top of his. He felt ice cold. "He sent someone to take my research. The little journal I keep around, you know? The poison is in there along with the antidote. The antidote which is also in these chambers."

"Fuck," Michael whispered and squeezed his hand, trying to get some warmth back into him. He hadn't thought that Geoff would get to them this quickly and now he felt horribly useless. They had all the time in the world to prepare, but they hadn't, not really. Not besides assuring each other that Geoff wouldn't find out, wouldn't look in their direction and now-

"I'll make the antidote disappear," he found himself saying, but when he got up, Ray pulled him back.

"Don't. Those guys were here while I was talking with Geoff. If they already saw it and it's gone later it would only make it worse."

"Does Gavin know?"

Ray nodded, his breath going faster. "That's why he headed straight for Geoff. He was so angry, he wouldn't even let me explain."

"Okay, first calm down and we'll see-"

"Michael, stop."

Ray cupped his face, freezing him down to his core and slowly he realized that something was very wrong here. It wasn't so much that Ray wasn't looking at him, but his eyes didn't seem to be able to focus at all. He was swaying and for a hysterical second, Michael was sure he was just drunk.

"What's going on?" he asked because he knew that wasn't the case.

"We all know I would be the scapegoat," Ray whispered and his breath smelled disgustingly sweet. Michael's eyes darted to the mug.

"Ray-"

"If I'm gone and the poisoning stops, Geoff might not suspect you gu-"

"What the fuck did you do?"

"Also I'll come back, right? I'll come back. That's what Gavin said."

He swayed, slipping away to the right, and Michael had to wrap an arm around his middle and haul him back up on the bed. He collapsed there, gasping for breath, and Michael- Michael didn't know what to do.

He stared back to the mug, to the sweet scent hanging in the room that wasn't quite peppermint tea and the reality of what was happening dared to sink in. He refused to let it happen.

"Where's the antidote?" he asked, and fuck, the journal wasn't on Ray's desk. Right, because Geoff had taken it, but maybe Ray knew it off the top of his head.

Only that Ray didn't answer, Ray stared right passed him, laying on his side like a wounded animal as he sucked air down. Michael kneeled in front of the bed, touching his face, forcing him to look at him.

"Ray!"

"I was hoping you'd be here," Ray told him, pulling himself together to form a coherent sentence. "Because every night you'd be the last one I'd see before falling asleep and I knew you'd be out there, watching over me."

Whatever words Michael had got stuck in his throat, because Ray was slipping away and he didn't know what to do.

"And each morning you'd be there when I woke up. Pulling the curtains open and smiling. You are always smiling when you see me, and I was hoping..."

"Fuck, Ray. Don't you fucking dare-"

"Will you be there when I wake up?"

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Michael buried his face in the crook of Ray's neck. An ice cold hand was coming up, holding him close and Ray's breath was loud against his ear.

"Will you be smiling?"

"I fucking promise, okay? I'll fucking dance or something, just wake up again. Just wake up, you hear me?"

Ray nodded, his hair brushing against his temple and Michael closed his eyes. It shouldn’t be happening, but here he was and Ray’s breath was a deep rattle. Not painful, he didn’t seem to be in pain at all, and thank the Gods for that. But when it finally stopped, when he was left in disgusting silence he didn’t pull back. No, not until the hand clawing at his collar let go and slipped away. Not until he was absolutely sure that Ray was gone, had fallen asleep, because he couldn’t let him be alone until then.

When he finally sat back the sun was still shining. He had kinda expected it to be dark because he seemed to be in this room for hours, but all in all it had only been minutes. Fucking minutes until he had walked in here, expecting anything but this.

All because of this fucking lie. Gavin was with Geoff right now and for a wonderful moment, Michael imagined walking into the King’s chambers and spilling everything. To see their expressions would be priceless and who cared if he’d hang for it. Ray was right, they would just come back!

But what would be the point? All that would do was make him lose more, make him lose what Ray had just sacrificed himself to keep.

There was a choice, one he had made the moment he had heard about the Child of Misfortune. Now he had to stick to it. To see it through till the end, and then when Ray returned, he would be there.

And he would smile.

It didn’t sink in, not really. Michael picked himself up and marched up Geoff’s tower. He barged right in, not bothering with any pretense and he looked right into Geoff’s eyes and said what he had found. Not quite a lie, but close enough. After everything he had already faked, the few details barely mattered.

Jeremy had stared at him in horrifying disbelief, but Gavin? Oh, he could see the understanding creep in, could see it fester and make him shake. He also hadn’t known what Ray would do; Michael was pretty sure Ray had told no one about his little way out. About him being the scapegoat in case things went wrong.

When had he decided on this? Last night or even before? When they had first hashed out the plan?

No way to know now.

Michael led them back towards the place where he had just come from and did so without hesitation. Even when he and Geoff entered Ray's chamber it didn't bother him.

Ray was still laying on his bed, but where else would he be? With his eyes closed, the hand that had been holding on to Michael still in front of his chest and Michael stared down while Geoff checked on the cup, the only thing not belonging in this room, and Michael left him there.

He didn't join them while they talked and sat around the fireplace, as if it was any other evening, like they were waiting for dinner, but there would be no Ray bringing them a meal. Even though he knew that, he was standing, leaned against the wall and watched the door to his room. Waiting.

The doctors were in there now, checking up on Ray and a small, childish part of him, expected him to step out again. 

"Michael," Geoff called him and he had to force himself to turn his head.

"How much time would you say passed between you finding Ray and coming for us?"

How much time? Time was hard to tell right now, he was surprised that it was still the same day, the same year. It felt like he had been standing here for forever and a part of him was still sitting in front of Ray's bed.

How much time? What was the right answer to that?

"Not long. When I got back I was looking around and found... found Ray."

Yeah, that sounded about right. It fitted into their lie. He had to think about the lie, that was easier.

"Come sit with us, please?" Gavin offered and Michael nearly scoffed. The only thing worse than standing here would be to sit down, right there next to Geoff, and be trapped. No, he would stay right where he was.

"I figured someone had come here. That's stupid, I know after all Ray wasn't hurt, but... I don't know. I looked around, but it didn't look like there was a fight, so I thought Gavin and Jeremy hadn't been around." A lie. A lie, but everything nowadays was. "The guards said that you two were heading to the King so I..." He trailed off because that hadn't been Geoff's question. Would it be bad to reveal too much? To add little details? Fuck, he was tired. "A couple of minutes, maybe? Not even five, but I'm not really sure. It's all a little-"

Yeah, it was all a little.

The door to Ray's room opened and Michael's head snapped up. It wasn't Ray, of course not. It was the doctor, and if possible, Michael's heart sank further. He didn't want to hear her explanation on how Ray had died, knew it all too well how. He blocked them all out. The clinical tone of the doctor, the accusations that followed. Gavin's lies and honest anger.

Jack joined them, holding Ray's journal, and Michael nearly laughed. A bit late for that. He turned away, didn't want to see how they went through Ray's book like it wasn't private, like Ray hadn't spent so much time researching and preparing for the future.

A part of him wanted to stop Jeremy from going to the cupboard, but he couldn't get his hands to lift. Of course, Jeremy knew about the antidote, Ray had often prepared the tea in his presence. Jeremy had no idea what was going on, but that didn't make him the enemy. Neither of them wanted any harm coming his way.

"That's the antidote I use," Geoff confirmed. Michael noticed how Gavin tensed. "I mean I guess it would make sense for Ray to keep it here just in case. No use knowing about the antidote but not having it close by-"

"Oh Gods," Gavin blurted out, and Michael stepped forward, trying to look for words to calm him down because it looked like he was losing his nerve. Not now, not when they were already so far in the shit.

Gavin got to his feet and turned away from the others and Michael could see the panic on his face, could nearly taste the words he was ready to spill that would doom them all.

"What's going on?"

No way, not after Ray had sacrificed himself for this.

"Ray used those herbs regularly for tea," Michael explained and snatched Gavin's wrist. His pulse was beating wildly underneath his fingertips. "But he said... he said it was good for our health and against..."

"Against waking up hungover," Gavin continued and leaned into Michael's side. He was hiding his face and Michael let him calm down. "So when I drank a bit too much with you, Geoff, Ray would fix me this tea before bed. Bitter as all hell, but..."

Gavin trailed off and pressed his face into Michael's shoulder. Reaching up, he touched the small of his back and Michael could feel him shake, could feel him trying to get back under control.

"Ray poisoned Geoff's wine and when he heard that you drank from it, he made you drink the antidote," Jack said.

Anger flared up in Michael's chest and it was like a livewire between him and Gavin. It was building and burning and if he wasn't holding on to Gavin, he wasn't sure what he would do with his hands.

It was extinguished the second the door opened again and they carried Ray's body out. He was wrapped in a white sheet, but Michael could see a sliver of red, his cape not quite trapped inside, and he felt Gavin's flesh yield under his hands. He could break him apart, knew he could, but he was tired of hurt today. He was so very tired.

When Gavin made a move to run, Michael let him go and watched him disappear into his room. What was he thinking right now? He would love to ask, but couldn't with everyone around. Just like he couldn't work out his own feelings. A part of him was angry, was livid at Gavin for letting this happen. It was his fucking plan that had brought them here and Ray- Fuck Ray, they could've seen where this was going before making any drastic choices like this.

It wasn't like Geoff had thrown him in the dungeon or anything, he had been in his room, in Gavin's chamber so surely there had been some kind of trust still there.

Even if during his investigation Geoff would've started to be wary of all of them... surely they could've dealt with that as well. Somehow-

"By tomorrow the whole castle will know about this," Jack said as if anyone cared, as if that was the most important thing out of all of this and Michael felt like he could die by the sudden wave of anger in his chest. "We have to think about what to-"

"Who the fuck cares?" The words burst out of him before he could stop himself, but if they didn't, he was sure they would rip him apart. "Who cares what they say or think? Fuck them!"

Jack stared at him, wide eyed, and while Michael knew he was loud, that sure as hell was the first time he yelled at Jack, least of all in front of the King. That couldn't stop him, he would continue, he would fight whoever dared to- whatever.

Geoff laid a hand on Jack's knee and squeezed. "Not here."

Just like that Jack nodded, something chastised in his face when he turned towards him.

"I'm sorry, Michael."

No, he didn't want an apology, least of all from both of them because he should be the one to fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness. Gavin, Ray and himself had started this after all; he shouldn't be surprised that they had lost.

He just slumped against the wall, head hanging and couldn't even stop Geoff as he passed by him, looking after Gavin. Gavin could either fool him right now or not and right now Michael didn't even fucking care.

If they found out he at least didn't have to lie anymore.

With the two of them gone, it grew deadly quiet in the room. For a while all he could hear was the crackling of the fire and his own breath, going too fast and too hard. Didn't matter.

Jack excused himself at some point and Michael didn't even bother to acknowledge him. Only when he felt a touch in his arm, did he look up and find Jeremy standing in front of him.

And fuck, new guilt pierced through him, painful and nearly enough to take him down once and for all.

Jeremy opened his mouth, but clearly didn't know what to say. He looked pale and was shaking and Michael figured he didn't look any better.

In the end, Jeremy pulled him from the wall and into an embrace and Michael all but sank into it, ready for any form of comfort.

"Ray-" he began and then didn't know how to continue. Either with a strangled cry or breathless laughter.

"I know," Jeremy murmured even though he didn't. No, he didn't have a damn clue. Michael clung to him. Desperately wanted to tell him, but that would mean pulling him into this mess.

That wouldn't be fair.

"He was still alive when I-" Michael blurted out before he could think about it. He had to get it off his chest, had to share even that little fact with Jeremy to include him, and Jeremy didn't scream or run away.

No, he pulled him ever closer until Michael could hide against his shoulder. A whispered, "Gods, Michael..."

"If I'd been here sooner. If I hurried after training..." He could've slapped the cup out of Ray's hand. It could all be different then.

"If I and Gavin hadn't hurried out of here after Ray talked to us..." Jeremy replied. "It was only minutes. Fucking minutes between us leaving and you coming in. He must have hurried and that's just-"

He stopped himself, shaking and Michael clutched tighter.

When the door opened they let go, but Geoff had noticed and smiled. He didn't comment on it.

"I'll take care of things now," he explained to them. "Gavin will probably join you two soon. Will you two be able to keep watch or should I send additional guards?"

"We'll be fine," Jeremy assured him and to his surprise, Geoff nodded and believed him. Somehow Michael hadn't seen that coming; Geoff believing them when all they did was lie.

* * *

"Are you sure you're ready for this? If you need more time to prepar-"

"No," Gavin interrupted Geoff. They were standing in front of his mirror and Geoff's arm around his shoulder was warm and comfortable. Still, he didn't quite dare to look at him.

He felt wrung out and hadn't slept much, there was a pounding headache behind his eyes and still, all of that felt strangely distant. Like it was happening to someone else while he watched. A part of him wanted to spill everything right now. Geoff was by his side and it was only them and Michael in this room.

He couldn't do that, not after everything.

So instead he looked at himself in the mirror. At the cloak Michael had put on him instead of Ray. Everything just a little off. A heavy silence in the air.

"I can do this," he said, more to himself than to Geoff. "We have to act fast to counter the rumors, that's what you said yourself."

Had he forgotten anything? No, the first thing he had done this morning was sent out word about the meeting in a little more than two hours. It would include his most devoted followers, the ones he could trust to work for him and not run to the King. He had long ago started to prepare things in case the poisoning wouldn't work because he would be stupid not to, but honestly, he had never expected that it would come to this.

In his head he had just hoped to see Geoff grow sick, give the title to him and then things would turn to normal again. For all he cared, Geoff could continue to rule the kingdom through him as long as he would be the one sitting on the throne. As long as he slayed his monster.

Now Ray was dead and Gavin could barely stand to look at himself in the mirror. That wasn't what he had wanted; he had wanted both Michael and Ray at his side while he ruled as a King.

Ray would come back, he had done so before. They would just have to wait. His plan wasn't all fucked up now and right now he had the choice that wasn't one. He could stop everything, throw Ray's sacrifice to the wind and maybe even come clean to Geoff, or he could continue. He could force his way through to his goal and end these damn cycles once and for all. No matter the cost and if he thought about it logically he hadn't lost anything yet.

Ray would return and with Sichora at his side, they would have little that could come against them.

No, he had come too far to stop now.

Michael stepped up, his crown in his hand, and Gavin's heart sank no matter his big words. Usually, that was Ray's job, who did it nearly carelessly like it wasn't a big deal.

Michael held it like the treasure it was and looked straight at him. They hadn't talked yet, didn't have a moment for themselves after what had happened. Michael had crashed hard last night. Then Jeremy had been with them for most parts of this morning before retiring, so now there were a lot of things left unsaid.

It was hard to tell where exactly the both of them stood after what had happened last night.

Later, right now he had to play the Royal Oracle and when Michael placed the silver crown over his brow, he pushed every doubt away.

"Let's go."

The doctor informed them about Ray's death in a calm way and while what she told them wasn't news, it was good to hear that the death was fast and painless. After all, that was the least they could hope for.

It still felt distant, like one of his bad dreams, and while he didn't dream about Ray pulling him along anymore, he wondered if that would start again now.

Geoff squeezed his hand and when Gavin looked up, he nodded towards Michael. Michael who stood behind him today because after yesterday Jeremy was dead on his feet and right now Michael didn't look any better.

He had slept; Gavin had seen him crash on the chaise and had pulled a blanket over him, but he had tossed and turned most of the time.

Gavin hadn't found it in him to wake him from his obvious bad dreams.

Now though, he could comfort; he had to because Ray was his fault.

"Hey, it's okay."

Michael jumped as if he hadn't even noticed him approach and with some hesitation, Gavin put a hand on his shoulder. He wasn't sure where they stood with each other, if Michael blamed him and by the Gods, he should. Enough to just abandon him now?

But then Michael was leaning in, hungry for the comfort. Gavin pulled him in, let him hide against his shoulder and wrapped his arms around him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, low enough so that Geoff wouldn't be able to hear. "I'm so sorry this happened."

Michael grasped his cloak so tightly that Gavin could feel it strain, but he didn't respond. Later, they could talk later. Until then, this day stretched out endlessly in front of him.

"Are you able to protect my son if anything happens during that meeting?" Geoff asked, and just like that Michael snapped back. That was sad, Gavin would've gladly shared some more comfort.

"More so than ever, my liege."

"You two should go then. Court will begin soon."

Right. Gavin squeezed Michael's shoulder one more time before letting him go. He didn't want to be here during the meeting because the court would surely have a field day with all of this. He could only imagine Lady Reese's smirk when she heard that one of Gavin's closest friends was the culprit behind the poisoning.

This wouldn't be pretty and Gavin was glad that Geoff would take care of this side of things. Gods, the moment he got the crown on his head, he couldn't wait to form a new court out of his followers.

Ah, and speak of the devil. Missus Reese entered the throne room like the dutiful bitch she was.

"Prince Gavin," she greeted him as if she had only waited to see him. Her smile always seemed to light the faint lines on his shoulder on fire.

"I heard our session today will be about a very important issue that also involves you. Granted, as the heir of the throne you will be part of it."

"I fear I have responsibilities somewhere else, but if time allows me, I will join the session later," Gavin told her, his voice as sweet as could be.

"You're early, Julie," Geoff called from behind as if that could diffuse the situation. "The court session isn't for another half hour."

"There are horrible rumors floating around, my liege. I heard about death and betrayal within the castle walls and the fear just wouldn't let me hold still." She stopped right in Gavin's path and didn't even try to hide it. Gods above, he hated her. "Considering that we have an Oracle in our midst, I, of course, didn't believe them. Surely our Prince would've seen it coming if there was any ill will."

"I don't think you should talk about things you wouldn't understand."

"Nobody should, Oracle. It usually results in lies if one tries," she told him, and her smile didn't falter. No, she seemed to know exactly what she was talking about, and a cold shiver worked down Gavin's spine.

Could she'd have found out about things? She seemed to have her filthy fingers in everything and if any rumors were floating around, she would surely be happy to listen to them.

"Enough now." This time Gavin was happy about the interruption from Geoff. "I already have a headache and your bickering doesn‘t help."

"Of course, your Majesty." She stepped out of Gavin‘s way, that damn smile still on her face, and Gavin couldn't wait until he could wipe it off.

Before he could move on, Michael‘s hand shot out, holding him back.

"Bow," he demanded, turning towards Lady Reese. "He‘s royalty, he‘s the Crown Prince. No matter your stance, you have to bow before him."

Gavin froze and while a part of him was quite gleeful about this whole situation there was a certain way things were handled in court. He couldn't outright dismiss her, not yet, not until he was where he had to be. Right now all he had were fake smiles and a sharp tongue for her, nothing so blunt.

Of course, Michael rarely cared about the political side of things.

She shot Michael such a hateful look that Gavin was actually disgusted by how rotten her heart was. And here he had thought that he had known so already when she had made him kneel and carve BASTARD into his skin.

Lady Reese bowed her head, but Gavin was well aware that her hand wasn't touching her heart. Fine with him, he knew already her stance in all of this and he would make sure she would lose everything her family had worked for the moment he got to power.

For a while, he let her dwell on that, left her in her mockingly deep bow before beckoning her to stand.

"Is there anything else you want to address, Lady Reese?" he asked and reveled in her flushed face.

"I wouldn't want to keep you from your oh so important duties."

He didn't give her the satisfaction of answering, just let her stand there as he left the throne room. Michael didn't even bother to wait until the doors fell shut.

"God, I hate her."

"Me too."

Gavin threw him a look. Just like this morning they were alone, but only for a short amount of time. In less than half an hour he would meet with his followers and that wasn't enough time to talk about things. A part of him wanted to, wanted to get it all out, but the longer he waited, the more nervous he became. 

Michael had to notice because his eyes darted to him now. They were steady, the haunted look from before gone, and that calmed him down.

"He will come back, won't he?" Michael asked.

"It happened before. I promise."

"You better be right about that because he's counting on you."

"I know."

Michael continued to look at him, and Gavin could feel the silent warning. His plan had hurt Ray and Ray was one of Michael's boys. It wouldn't be the first time Michael would threaten someone about messing with them, and Gavin was well aware that he was no exception. No, not when it was about his best friend.

"What is your plan now?" Michael asked him then. He was counting on him to have a plan because all of this was his game, and Gavin had at least spent his sleepless night silently plotting over this. Continuing to poison Geoff would only bite them in the back end and he didn't want to throw away Ray's sacrifice.

"We will have to actively force Geoff from his throne now," he said. "I'll let my followers know that there is calamity coming for this kingdom. We can use that later in case we have to move against Geoff."

"I get the feeling nothing around here goes to plan," Michael said after the servants brought their meals. He was pissed off, stabbing into his meat as if he had to kill it personally, and Gavin was well aware of the obvious jab towards him.

That was fair, the meeting hadn't gone like he had expected it to. The people had believed him when he had talked about the calamity lurking just around the corner if they didn't make some drastic changes. Later, when things would turn even messier he would clarify that the change he meant was a new King. Tet to think that his followers had thought ahead of it, even more so than he had...

Him as a religious leader, what a big joke. He didn't think any of the nobles really believed his tales because besides the drought there wasn't anything important he had foretold. The common folk, yeah, they believed him because rumors grew bigger the further they traveled. But those with power? No way.

And still there they were, demanding him to get rid of the crown and the throne entirely, and if that wasn't the furthest from what he wanted, he didn't know.

He didn't give a fuck about religion, didn't want to mess with it because he knew he wasn't kindly introduced to it. Hard chance with Lord Lowry looming over him with every step he took.

Magic and demons and legends, yes, but Gods? Nothing that would interest him, and if it wasn’t for this oracle spiel Geoff had forced on him, he would've stayed out of it completely. But who was he kidding, he was ready to use it, had so in the past. He just didn't like it when things he had thought certain weren't.

He stirred his food idly and felt slightly sick just looking at it. He hadn't eaten much since... well, yesterday, and it was taking a toll on him. The headache from this morning was a full blown pounding now and the day wasn't even halfway over.

"Eat," Michael ordered him. In this private dining hall, the table could be set for up to ten people, but Michael had chosen the seat right by his side. Feeling him close helped and Gavin forced himself to reach for the cutlery.

That's how Geoff and Jack found them a few minutes later and Gavin's shoulder sank even further. He hadn't yet wondered about the court meeting, but by Geoff's face, he could tell it wasn't good. Of course not, he could only imagine how much fun Lord Reyson or Lady Reese had with this whole thing.

"So how did it go?" Jack asked as they sat down, and oh boy, what should he say about that? Could he keep this a secret, this ridiculous claim of a theocracy? It was nearly ridiculous enough to send him into fits of laughter.

Were there already rumors flying around? He hadn't checked, but later he would ask Jeremy to listen around the pubs when he felt up for it.

"Buddy?" Geoff's hand on his shoulder and he was looking at him, so full of concern. It nearly broke something in him, and this wasn't fair, he didn't want to hurt Geoff, but he was. He was.

\-- I am the one poisoning you, not Ray. Well, Ray did help and prepared the poison and stuff, but he did it on my order. I want the throne right now and I know if I told you why you would send me away because you would never give the kingdom in the hands of someone who sounds delusional. Still, here I am. Again, because Geoff, it might be the first time you’ve met me. But I met you  _ before _ . In another world, at another time --. 

On his other side, Michael took his hand and squeezed, and none of those words ever left his mouth.

"There were some very worrisome reactions to the news." Michael lied in his stead and Gavin forced himself back under control. "Some real assholes out there."

"What does that mean?"

"Some of my followers think that the Royal Oracle stands above the King. That the order of things is outdated," Gavin explained.

"They think you should lead the kingdom?"

"Not a kingdom anymore. A theocracy."

"Well, okay."

Gavin nearly burst out laughing. Well, okay? What kind of reaction was that? It took all in him to stay quiet, but Michael's presence next to him helped.

"They said that they are very grateful to the Ramsey bloodline, but... but that it was ending. There is no real heir after all, none that carries your blood at least. Not even in front of my followers am I good enough for the crown! But who cares, doesn't sound like I need the crown in the first place-" Hilarious. Wasn't that hilarious? Like this whole damn game that was being played with him. Whoever had trapped him in this cycle must be watching and laughing about everything that was happening here.

Pushing his plate away, Gavin caught Jack's eyes and all that bitter amusement turned instantly to anger. This condescending look, as if Jack was any better. As if Jack hadn't stood in front of him, forcing him to kneel and raising the Ramsey sword to take his head.

Like he was oh so innocent.

"Jack, don't look at me like you told me so."

It was too loud, echoing between the walls and making Geoff jump. But Jack? Oh, Jack stayed as calm as always.

"I didn't say a thing, Gavin."

"Come on, you say it all the time! What kind of fucked up idea this whole Oracle bullshit is, how I'm representing this kingdom in the wrong way and-" Gavin threw his hands up and right now he could hate Jack. He could properly hate him, no matter all the things he had done for him. "Guess you were right! Guess you were fucking right as always!"

It grew quiet around the table and for the first time, he understood Michael and Jeremy's urge to take something and destroy it. To lift a chair and crash it against a wall.

"There weren’t many people who hinted at that idea," Michael next to him said. His foot searched for Gavin's beneath the table and stomped on it. It was enough to snap Gavin out of it, at least enough to bury his face in his hands so that the others couldn't see his furious expression.

"Maybe five or so? That's good... right?"

"We need the names of all of them." Jack. Jack always knowing what to do next.

"Gavin told them that the Royal Oracle and the King are meant to work together," Michael continued, and while Gavin had often assured his followers that, he hadn't today. No, because it was just another lie, one of many and if the time was right he would pull on every string that was available to him. "He did a great job, I'm sure they got that Gavin doesn't want all this crap!"

Right, a reminder. It was enough to put a mask on his face and stand up.

"I'll prepare the list right away," he assured Geoff even though he would have to think about it first. Whose name he could add there safely because Jack would watch them closely and Gavin would have to depend on some of them.

Later, in the safety of his room.

He left the dining hall, feeling Michael hurry to catch up with him. His hand soon curling around his wrist. It was tight enough to hurt and he knew that Michael could snap his bones in half. He didn't though, he just followed silently until they reached his chambers. The moment the door closed behind them, Michael let him go as if disgusted.

"Fucking pull yourself together," he snapped at him, and Gavin nodded.

The spring sun fell in through the windows as if none of this was happening. It illuminated Ray's door and he half expected Ray to step out and ask what they were fighting about.

That didn't happen.

"We're too far into this shit to screw this up now," Michael continued. "Least of all from you. You started this shit show and Ray and I agreed to help. You will not let us hang from the gallows!"

"I know. I'm sorry."

Michael huffed and passed by him. He wasn't done, far from it.

"You said in your memories Ray and I came back. Just stood in front of the castle walls. That won't work this time because Geoff sure as hell won't allow him inside like nothing happened."

"I know."

"So you better figure something out on how we get him because you know what? Right now I don't give a fuck about all your great plans! I want Ray back!"

Michael swallowed, loud enough for Gavin to hear. He was also staring at Ray's door and all his anger couldn't hide his sorrow.

"He was still alive when I found him."

Oh, Gods. Gavin closed his eyes and let the guilt rush through him. He deserved it.

"He wanted me to promise him to be there when he wakes up at the portal, so you better make sure I keep that promise."

"I want to get him back as well, Michael," Gavin reminded him and Michael turned towards him.

"You better. He was ready to be the scapegoat for you, he  _ died  _ for you. You owe him."

He was well aware.

"We'll get him at the portal. I promise, Michael. We won't be staying here much longer, we can't."

"I damn well hope we can trust your followers to help us out." Michael shrugged. "But I saw how greedy they are. If you offer them a place in your court, they would stab Geoff in your name any day."

"We don't want to harm Geoff."

"You are already doing that, don't be stupid. You're just not using a dagger. There is no way he will just give you the crown and sit back, content with what's happening."

Geoff would. Once he saw that Gavin was capable, once he realized it was the best for the kingdom, he just had to. To break this fucked up cycle he was ready to do anything, but to lose Geoff, even if it was just his presence...

Gavin buried his face in his hands. It just had to work out, Geoff had called him his son so surely he could forgive him. Even for this?

"Go and sleep," Michael told him. "I promised Geoff I’d make sure you did.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Look at the Guiding Star," Geoff told him, and Gavin ripped his eyes from the rooftops below.
> 
> "It's bright."
> 
> "It's bright and steady. I haven't seen a single flicker up there all night. It means we're on the right track." 
> 
> Geoff was right and Gavin stood there, leaned against the railing, and watched the white light above.

Chapter 9

Ray was holding on tightly to his hand while they were running down the dark staircase. There were noises behind them; the guards who had forced their way into his chambers and had Michael's blood on their hands, Gavin knew that now.

The portrait was in front of them, letting rays of light into their darkness, and Ray's cape was red like roses. It always was.

When he turned around, pushing Gavin against the wall he waited for the all too familiar words, but they didn't come. No, Ray just watched him, earnest and steady, and Gavin's hands moved on their own. They pulled on his cloak until he could give it to Ray willingly and Ray didn't hesitate to throw it over his shoulders.

Oh.

Oh, just another form of scape-

"Gavin?"

He opened his eyes and found Jeremy standing over him. It was dark in his room even though the curtains weren't drawn. When he sat up, he felt groggy like he had slept too deep.

"What time is it?"

"Already past dinner," Jeremy explained to him. "I kept some for you and I know you need your sleep, but you will be awake the whole night otherwise."

Right, after his meeting with his followers and lunch with Geoff, he had crashed pretty hard and he must have slept through the remainder of the day. He looked around his room, a little disorientated, and his eyes got caught on the map in the corner of his room. Behind it was the secret passage, the one Ray had dragged him down.

For a moment Gavin was trapped there and wasn't quite sure which life the memory belonged to. Ray was dead, that was something he knew for certain. However, had he been laying on his bed yesterday, or had he run off in one direction and Gavin in the other? 

Had Ray taken this burden on, or was he pushed into it?

Always a scapegoat, wasn't that the bottom line?

A fact learned too late, something he had overlooked like a hundred other things.

"Where is Michael?"

"He laid down. We're kinda all over the place after... yesterday, but he will come back after he’s slept so I can stay with you tomorrow."

Gavin nodded and closed his eyes. Could see Ray lying on his bed.

"Come on," Jeremy gave him a fond shove. "You should eat something."

With his pounding headache gone, it was easier to concentrate on Geoff's list of names. There were some key members among his followers that he had to keep hidden, people that he would have to move around the kingdom if he wanted to force Geoff to give up the crown, so he couldn't have Jack watching them too closely.

The stable master, as many warriors, and knights as possible, just in case this whole thing turned into a conflict. Messengers, of course, those who brought his words into every corner of this land. People that Geoff could make disappear in case he wanted to.

That was a real threat, because he didn't have the resources to lose anyone. The nobles though, the higher-ups, the ones he considered for his new court. He needed their resources in his plan, but they wouldn't leave their manors during the whole fracas.

Jack's spies wouldn't see shit, least of all if Gavin sent warning tonight before he handed the list over to Geoff.

Jeremy had brought him fresh fruits and he was absentmindedly picking at them when he remembered another request.

"Has Michael informed you about the theocracy rumor?" he asked into the room. He was sitting with his back to him, hunched in the light of his candle, but he knew that Jeremy was always attentive.

"He told me about your meeting, yeah. That's pretty fucked up."

Gavin hummed in agreement. "Have you heard about it before?"

"Not really, but if you want me to I can keep my eyes and ears open in the pub for you. Maybe Alfredo knows something."

"Please do."

Alfredo, another chess piece. He wasn't yet sure what role he could play, but knew he wanted him on his side. How though? In this life, they hadn't so much as talked yet.

"Gavin?"

He turned around at Jeremy's voice and found him sitting in front of the fire. He was looking at Ray's closed door.

"Do you really believe Ray poisoned the King?"

"It does look like it, doesn't it?"

Jeremy's shoulders slumped. Still, he shook his head; "Even with all of this... with all this evidence, witnesses, and whatever, I still can't make sense of it." His eyes darted to him and something about it made Gavin's heart sink. "We have it good, don't we?"

"We do," Gavin admitted, but he didn't want to think about it. About what Geoff had given him, how he would be nothing without him. The guilt might just choke him then.

"Tomorrow Geoff will want to talk to me and Michael, hear our side and check if we're not part of this," Jeremy continued. "I will tell him just that, that I can't see Ray do this, no matter the evidence. Because it's Ray, isn't it? It's Ray." He gesticulated towards the door as if that would explain things and it did and for a moment, for a heartbeat-

"Jeremy, do you believe that Geoff’s made a mistake? That he's in the wrong?"

Jeremy pressed his lips together until they were only a tight white line. Gavin was outright staring at him, his hand holding on tight to the back of the chair.

"The King's judgment is absolute," Jeremy finally said. "I trust Geoff. I guess that's what I have to keep reminding myself of."

In some strange way, Gavin was actually disappointed. He had known about Jeremy's loyalty, hadn't he? Even if he hadn't, trusting other people outside of Michael and Ray had only led to pain.

Still, he wouldn't have minded having Jeremy by his side, but he couldn't. Not after Jack. Not with the Ramsey emblem sitting proudly on Jeremy’s chest.

"Geoff won't fault you for speaking your mind tomorrow," Gavin assured him. "But be careful out there, J. We've all lost enough in the past few days."

Jeremy thought about that for a moment before he nodded. Gavin wouldn't pull him into this mess more than was necessary, he would make sure Jeremy would have an alibi when they disappeared.

"I guess it's just like Michael always said," Jeremy muttered, barely audible. He was back to watching the door leading to Ray's abandoned chambers. "We all make our choices and then we have to stick to them. Ray made his."

"He did," Gavin agreed and tried not to think about the green cloak and how he had pushed it into Ray's hands.

The astronomy tower was the highest in the castle. It was slim and the stairs in the tower were twisting upwards with the occasional torch to light the way. There wasn't anything in it, just a single room at the top, filled with equipment for the scientists.

The first time Geoff had shown him this place, he had made sure that Gavin didn't trip and walked on the wall-side. When they were all the way up Geoff allowed him to sneak a peek over the railing. Even with Geoff's arm securely wrapped around his middle, he had grown dizzy seeing down the dark abyss they had just come from. 

Now Gavin climbed the stairs alone and felt the chill settling in. Even if winter was behind them, the nights were still freezing. He pushed the wooden door open and wasn't surprised to see that Geoff had already expected him. Right now he was just a dark silhouette against the night sky and something about that nearly took his breath away.

"Gavin?"

"I wanted to give you the list," he explained and let the door fall shut. It sounded loud in the night silence. "I gave it to Jack instead and he told me you were up here."

There wasn't much space, it was just a wooden walkway barely broad enough to place down a telescope or the like, and Geoff scooted aside to allow him to join him against the railing.

The wind was even colder out here and Gavin pulled his scarf tighter, but up this close to Geoff, they could at least share some warmth. That was nice.

"You look better," Geoff said. "Did you manage to sleep?"

"I crashed pretty hard. Michael made sure I did."

"It's been a rough few days. Sleep helps clear the mind."

That it had. Part of him nearly wished it hadn't. That was the part who just wanted to spill everything, to tell Geoff every detail of what had happened. 

Standing right here, it seemed ridiculous to think that Geoff would be mad, would send him away. That part of him was childish because while he didn't doubt that Geoff loved him, he knew that the kingdom came first.

That was fine, he was well aware that Geoff was the King and his priorities had to stay in order. A Prince speaking such delusional things?

"I didn't ask before, but how did the court meeting go?"

Geoff sighed. "As well as you'd expect."

Gavin looked up at him because he damn well knew what that meant.

"They blame me, don't they?"

"You know they always do. You could barely write your own name and already you were the cause for the clouds on a sunny day." At least he wasn't trying to hide it, wasn't trying to sugarcoat it, because Gavin knew the court better than him in that regard. Lady Reese's lines had faded with time, but he still clearly remembered them, could easily trace them with his fingertips. 

"Life is easier with a scapegoat," Geoff muttered, and Gavin tightened his hands around the railing. Damn if he wasn’t right.

Hadn't Ray's sacrifice made everything so goddamn easy for them?

"This time they are right though," Gavin spat. His hand darted up to play with the golden eye pendant, but it wasn't there. No, he hadn't bothered dressing up as the Oracle again, and for a second he felt lost before he found the worn fabric of his scarf. Good, it always managed to calm him down.

"When we started this I didn't expect this to happen. This whole Oracle got too much traction in the first place. When was the last time I foresaw something? I can't even remember! This whole spiel should've run dry months ago, now this!"

"Life is easier with a scapegoat," Geoff repeated, and nearly made him scream. "It's also easier with someone to believe in. You managed to be both."

"There are Gods for that!"

"Gods are something distant though," Geoff said and wasn't that the truth. "You are right there, they can talk to you, touch you. Who would you rather listen to? You or that nutjob Lord Lowry?"

Gavin's lips twitched and he wondered what Geoff would say when he told him how much of a nutjob Lord Lowry truly was.

"Are you kidding me? If I ever get stabbed in the back I’ll know it's him."

"Stab you in the back? He would wrap you in golden chains and burn you at the stake!"

Oh, the funny golden chains. He wondered how often they had been close to him, hidden somewhere on Lord Lowry as he waited for a chance.

"Right, like the Sorcerers in the old legends. Without the golden chains, I would just snap my fingers and be free."

He couldn't help but grin up at Geoff as if he wanted him to agree how fucked up this whole thing was. How hysterically unfair that people had despised him only because he was alive. He would give them a real reason soon enough.

Geoff also chuckled, and that was fun. Gavin entertained the idea that Geoff would be by his side at this, that he knew exactly what was happening and was helping him along.

That at the end of all of this Gavin would carry the crown, but Geoff was right by his side, no ill will, no hurt. Just them.

That wasn't about to happen, he knew that, and the knowledge made his shoulders sink.

"I'm sorry for what's happening," he whispered. One of the rare truths inside all those lies and while he was sorry, it wasn't going to stop him. "This time all those voices are right: it's my fault. Today when my followers talked like that... with such vehemence..."

He shook his head, tried to get himself to stop before he said something stupid, but didn't he owe Geoff this much?

"If we hadn't started this whole act, things wouldn't have turned out this way. Your reign would be secure because you're a good King, you are, Geoff, and everyone down there has to know that." Gavin had never doubted that. If he could only rule half as well, he would be satisfied. "The only real thing overshadowing your time as King is me. If I hadn't come from that portal things would've gone smoothly."

"I highly doubt that," Geoff said, but it wasn't that damn easy.

"Maybe I do bring misfortune." In all those years he had nearly started to believe it. What other explanation was there for this shit he was stuck in?

"Oh come on, buddy! You never listened to those assholes before, don't start now!"

"If I would just go..." Gavin turned towards him, and he had tried, hadn't he? He had tried to run away, to pack his bags and start somewhere else, away from everyone he loved. After Ray had been hurt, even though the dreams had warned him something bad was happening. After Reese had whispered to him, telling him he would be Geoff's downfall, and oh, wasn't she right in the end? "If I’d just disappear, Geoff. Things would be better. What if I just run away, somewhere where nobody knows me-"

"Hey," Geoff interrupted him, but when he touched him, Gavin just frantically shook his head.

"No, think about it. Without me there would be no Oracle, there would be no constant fighting with the court. This whole mess wouldn't have happened. You'd need a new heir, but there's still time. There's still time and I'd just need some funds. Just enough to start somewhere els-"

Geoff grasped his arm and Gavin tried to pull away, but Geoff wouldn't let him. No, he didn't so much as budge as he watched him.

"My heir is standing in front of me," Geoff told him, and again Gavin wanted to scream. "That's something that won't change. That's something that I won't allow to change. I chose you to be the next in the Ramsey line and I don't care what all those old farts think about that. I know it's the right decision."

Gavin closed his eyes. He didn't deserve this, not with what he was doing behind Geoff's back. All this love, all this trust, for someone like him. "You don't know what you're saying."

"I know exactly what I'm saying."

He didn't. He didn't, didn't, didn't, and when Geoff tried to pull him in, he struggled to get away, but Geoff was relentless and Gavin gave in. That's what he always did anyway and when Geoff's cloak closed around him, the shared warmth felt like it could burn off his skin.

"I'll fight each and every one of those who spoke ill of you personally if it means to have you instead," Geoff whispered, and Gavin buried his face in the crook of his neck to hide. "I don't care about them or that the blood in our veins is different. I love you even if it means I have to fight for you. Especially then, okay?"

Come clean, he told himself. Tell him, tell him everything. From the moment he stepped out of the portal, no, even before that. From the moment they had first met in the _before_ and how he had loved him then. How he loved him enough for two lives, how he would do anything to protect Geoff, even hurt him.

But that he also had to break the cycle, otherwise this suffering would only continue. That just like Geoff put the kingdom first, he had his priorities as well. That yes, he loved Geoff unconditionally, but he had his own duties.

Or-

Or.

He could keep it to himself, just go back to how they were supposed to be and hope he had changed enough. They could act like Ray had truly poisoned Geoff, could throw his sacrifice in the wind and turn his back on him. On Michael as well because that would be one thing Michael wouldn't forgive him for.

Oh, but he could help Michael escape, could live knowing that at least those two were somewhere out there, somewhere he couldn't reach, but at least together.

He could wait for the next cycle, a problem for the next him.

But who was he kidding? He was too much of a coward for either of those decisions.

"I love you," Geoff assured him again. "And we'll get through this together.”

He clung to those words, drove his nails in, and held on tight because that was something he could be certain of and right now, he let himself have that. It calmed him down to his core, took all those lies and the guilt away and he nodded, because he also loved Geoff. Since the very beginning of this existence.

When he found it in himself to look up, he smiled at Geoff, and the King pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

Yeah, he was loved.

Stepping back from the embrace, Geoff caught his scarf and tugged.

"I could ask for a new one."

Gavin snatched the scarf right out of his grasp and pressed the end against his lips. The fabric was well worn, but still so very soft. A gift from Geoff, a scarf he had worn himself, and a constant. The very same he had given to him before and Gavin had worn it until his dying day.

In his mind, it brought good fortune.

"I like this one, it's mine."

"You've worn it for so long it'll tear some day."

"It's mine," Gavin repeated, and Geoff huffed in amusement.

"Keep your nasty old scarf then. I'll get myself five new ones instead."

"Go ahead, I don't care about your fancy new scarves."

He pouted at Geoff, but didn't quite dare to let go of the scarf, fearing that Geoff really would take it away. It was old and probably looked weird with his clothes, but it was comforting.

When Geoff made no point to steal his scarf, he relaxed and watched over the city beneath them. Their city, _his_ city if everything went according to plan. With Geoff's warm arm pressed against his, the thoughts came back. The guilt and the uncertainty; he could feel his mind grow darker.

"Look at the Guiding Star," Geoff told him, and Gavin ripped his eyes from the rooftops below.

"It's bright."

"It's bright and steady. I haven't seen a single flicker up there all night. It means we're on the right track." 

Geoff was right and Gavin stood there, leaned against the railing, and watched the white light above. That was home, that was the disturbance in this world and while he wasn't even sure what that meant, it filled him with a certain calmness.

Geoff was right. They were on the right track.

"You are going to question Michael and Jeremy soon, right?"

"Probably tomorrow. I didn't find time today."

Gavin nodded. That was another hurdle, one he would love to take from Michael, but that wasn't possible. Michael wasn't doing alright.

"I don't want to think that it's one of them, I really don't, but I would've never believed that it was Ray either. Fuck, I never believed this would be a problem at all."

He hesitated then turned to face Geoff.

"I guess we can never truly know what goes on in other people's heads."

Geoff was watching him from the corner of his eye. What did he think about the situation? What did he think about him? After the court had whispered to him the whole day, saying that it was the fault of the Child of Misfortune, and for once their blame was valid. The thing about the theocracy, and of course the fact that he had found out about Ray so quickly. Ray, one of his closest friends that had tried to poison him. Did Geoff really believe he had nothing to do with it?

If Geoff would turn around now and ask him, what would he say?

Are you behind this?

Did you order Ray to poison me?

Are you trying to overthrow me?

Gavin didn't think he could lie to him, not now, not after Geoff had assured him once more that he loved him. Not when the Guiding Star was their only witness.

"It seems so," Geoff just said, and the words shook him to the core. The simple trust, no matter the logic. Geoff had always been an emotional person, he was well aware of that. Yet he was a King, he could think logically, and still, here he was, giving him the benefit of the doubt.

He didn't deserve that, not with all the pain he would cause him.

"You will die as a foolish old man one day, Geoff."

Still better than young and hollowed out by fever, still better than bound to a bed without knowing who anyone was, let alone himself-

"Doesn't sound too bad to me," Geoff agreed, and Gavin's shoulders sank. His chest was tight as if it wanted to crush his heart.

Geoff pulled on his scarf, playful tugs as he grinned at him, and Gavin loved him so much in that moment that he was sure it could kill him.

"Come on, let's go inside. I'm freezing my dick off."

* * *

Michael wasn't doing well. He knew it himself, could see it in the reflection of the mirror and in the glances, Gavin threw at him, the peeks Jeremy snuck at him.

He wasn't one for these kinds of games, for secrecy, lies, and betrayal. He felt trapped in a net he couldn't escape from, torn apart between his conscience and his duty. During the nights he sat awake, alone in the silence and while the hours seemed endless, more than once Jeremy would suddenly be there come morning.

He missed Ray.

Ray who woke up at dawn, yawning and bitching as he took care of breakfast and stoked the fires. Ray, who wouldn't forget to wake Gavin and prepare his clothes for the day, unlike him who couldn't even be bothered to pull open the curtains at this point.

He missed talking to Ray, someone who knew about what was going on, who understood this feeling. Jeremy was throwing him worried glances that made every thought in Michael's head stop. When Jeremy was in the room, he couldn't think, becoming too aware of every breath he took because Jeremy surely sensed his guilt. He didn't. 

When Gavin stayed awake late at night and wrote his letters, moved his pieces around, prepared for their disappearance, Michael felt like he was being strangled.

He had no idea what was happening anymore.

To step in front of the king in that condition, to lie to the King was horrifying, and it made him more nervous than he could ever remember being. 

He didn't think he did a good job.

Geoff's questions washed over him and he answered, he knew he did. He sat in his sin and tried his best to stick to their story, to appear to be mourning. Something he didn't have to fake.

Later he couldn't even remember what Geoff had asked him, let alone what he had replied. Everything was just static. Far away. Happening to someone else.

"Do you think Gavin should be King?" The one thing he could recall, the question cutting through the noise because for once he knew the answer.

"Gavin belongs on the throne." Because that was his monster, that was the battle he had to win. "He's worked hard to be where he is today and I do believe he will be a good King." One day, in the future. Once all of this blew over, all this secrecy would stop.

"Not yet though. He isn't ready yet."

He missed Ray.

They burned Ray. It was the usual procedure for bodies to avoid diseases, but this burial was held in private. There were no knights or warriors to see Ray off, Gavin couldn't even spot his parents. They had been informed surely, why hadn't they showed up? Where they ashamed of the traitor in their family? Did they just not care? Ray had mostly kept quiet about his home and what he had said wasn't good, but he was their only child.

No, there was just him, Michael, and Jeremy. Of course a handful of people needed for the procedure too, and Lord Lowry. Lord Lowry whose eyes never strayed from Gavin, but today Gavin wasn't in the mood to fight.

No, he had one arm linked with Michael while Jeremy did the same on Michael’s other side. Like they had to hold him up, like their strong warrior would just collapse. Michael had known Ray the longest, they had been the closest, and often Gavin had wondered if there wasn’t more to it, but he had never pushed.

Now it felt like it didn’t matter anyway.

"When will we go after Ray?" Michael asked the moment they were alone.

"It's too early. He will take time to find his way out of the Nether," Gavin explained to him. "We have to disappear at the right time and make it look legit."

Michael didn't protest and Gavin kinda wished he would. Like this, he just looked defeated. He had never seen Michael like that. It didn’t suit him.

"Please be patient."

"I voiced my doubts about Ray to King Ramsey," Jeremy told him one day. They were taking a walk in the garden; while the nights were still chilly the daylight was quite sunny.

"He didn't get mad, did he?"

Jeremy shook his head. He stopped on the path to watch over the gardens and not for the first time Gavin noticed how little people were around. It seemed like the kingdom was holding its breath after the attack on their King. As if they feared something like that would happen to them if they dared to step outside.

"In the end, I wondered why I even bothered. Telling Geoff didn't help anyone."

"I don't mind it. You said what you wanted to say," Gavin told him. "As long as you keep it in our circle it should be fine. Other people might take offense in you defending Ray."

"It still didn't matter. Didn't bring Ray back, did it?"

Gavin turned towards him and was a bit shocked to find Jeremy pale and with red-rimmed eyes. He had his arms crossed in front of his chest, but it looked more like he was holding himself together than anything else.

"He's gone. Just like that."

Oh.

Jeremy didn't have that hope; he didn't know that Ray would return. He was mourning his friend while everyone else was quick to pass judgment. Not Jeremy though.

"Ray is fucking dead and Michael? Michael is not alright and what can I do? Not a single fucking thing!"

His shoulders were heaving and when Gavin laid a calming hand on them, Jeremy leaned into it. There was a tug on his cloak and when he looked down it was Jeremy's hand, desperately holding on. And for once, for once because today was less busy than usual, he wore the Ramsey colors. The same colors as Jeremy was carrying above his heart, and something about that made his throat tight.

He pulled Jeremy in and the other nestled against him. For a while that's all they did, standing there and holding on to each other and mourning.

"The daffodils are pretty this year," Gavin muttered as his eyes traveled over the garden.

With his face pressed against his chest, Jeremy nodded.

Gavin continued to place his pawns. It was delicate work with carefully chosen words. There were messengers sent to far away cities where he knew he had followers, there were knights that swore their lives to his cause and were ready to take the punishment to assure his escape.

Gavin would make sure to reward them for their loyalties.

Their horses were prepared and the guards who were stationed on the east gate of the castle made sure to be there during the night.

"The kingdom will fall into ruin by the King's hand. Even though I have warned him of what I have foreseen, he was not ready to listen." The ink in which he wrote his lies towards a chosen few felt like they would stain his skin. "One of my most devoted was falsely accused of a cruel crime as a reminder of my place. Don't mourn him just yet, for just like I have, he will rise again to come to my side."

They would come, those he nearly trusted and more who followed his every move. Just one word from him and they would flock towards him.

Not yet. It would raise too much suspicion, but soon. When he was ready.

"Right now the King and the Oracle are not united in these lands of ours. Don't believe his words when King Ramsey will preach I have mysteriously disappeared. I know of his plan to get rid of my eyes and will lie in wait. Those devoted to me shall do the same."

"Will we go to the portal first?" Michael asked him. It was nearing midnight and they were both hunched over a map, planning their escape.

Gavin hesitated before shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, but we would lose too much time."

Michael's hand curled into a fist, but Gavin quickly grasped it.

"I want to see him as well, Michael. I really want to, alright? But we can't be sure he's already out and we can't waste time waiting there." He forced Michael's hand open and let his own slip in. "Once we disappear Geoff will search everywhere for us. When we're in Rhyst Geoff won't be able to find us."

"Why bother visiting the Queen? She won't help you."

"It's not about her. You know Rhyst better than me, you grew up close to its borders."

Michael sighed and closed his eyes. He always looked tired these days.

"Rhyst is very superstitious. They believe in spirits and prophets. You are very popular over there."

"Exactly. I don't need the Queen by my side, but if I go there and search for help, people will follow me. Warriors, knights, and simple men. They will give us more safety. It would be a fiasco for Geoff if he were to attack us and kill people of Rhyst."

Gavin squeezed his hand until Michael looked at him. "After that, I promise you, our first stop will be Ray. We sent anyone willing to help us to a meeting point and told them to wait, but you and I? We go to the portal and get Ray."

"Depending on the weather the trip to Rhyst and back can take well over a week," Michael told him. Now there was something angry in his voice. 

"A week in which Geoff will search the area around the castle. When we return he will shift his attention to cities and regions further away and we can get to the portal unnoticed."

"You have no idea how long Ray could take to come back from the Nether."

"I know how long he took the last time."

Michael scoffed and got up to pace around the room. His hands were shaking and he was curling and uncurling them to fists at his side. It made Gavin's heart sink.

"When then? When will we fucking move? If Ray's out there and already waiting, I-"

"The day after tomorrow," Gavin blurted out. He would love to take more time, to double and triple-check that he had thought of everything, but he knew he was working on borrowed time. That Michael was on the brink of just going out there and searching for the portal himself. "Everything should be prepared, but give me one more day to make sure, please. Also, that's when Jeremy usually goes out for a drink and if people see him at the pub, he has an alibi."

"I don't want him anywhere near this mess."

"Me neither! He will be just as clueless as Geoff."

With a sigh, Michael stopped in his restless pacing and turned towards him.

"The day after tomorrow then." It wasn't a question, it was an order, and Gavin nodded.

"The day after tomorrow."

Their goodbyes had been lackluster and it left Gavin with a feeling of dread. Jack had wished him a goodnight and Jeremy had given him a wave as he stepped out to head towards the pub.

Geoff had given him a clap on the back and now here they were, standing in the middle of his chambers. It looked like a mess, they had made sure of it. Everything they didn't need, everything that had no use for them was carelessly thrown around and in some cathartic way, it had been fun. Fun to just reach into shelves and throw everything out that he had gathered over his time living here. Trinkets that had lost meanings, gifts from his followers and people on the streets.

Michael for sure had his fun with destroying something after sitting still for so long. He was right now in Ray's room, checking if they had forgotten anything there, but Gavin didn't think so. They had already started yesterday, laying things aside, sending bags towards the stable just so they could make a quick escape. Tonight they just needed the things they couldn't just make disappear without questions being asked. 

There was his crown, of course, now carefully wrapped in silk and his robes. On the road, he needed sturdier clothes, but once he gathered all his followers he would slip into whatever role he had to, whether it was the Crown Prince or the Royal Oracle.

Right now though he had the silver bracelet in his hand, and just touching it had halted all of his movements. Jack's gift to him with its pretty arches; a miniature version of a crown long before he wore one. It must have cost him a lot of time next to his busy schedule, and still he had made it for him.

Gavin didn't doubt that during that time Jack had loved him, he probably still did in some way. He figured it was the same with himself, but the betrayal still burned, even after a lifetime.

The Jack from _before_ had also loved him; he could remember the two of them sitting in Geoff's chamber while he was bedridden, telling old and new stories to pass the time as they waited. He could remember the day after Geoff's death, and even though neither of them had slept, had just sat there under the crushing sadness, once Jack had set the golden crown on his head, he had looked unbearably proud.

Back then Gavin had believed they would be fine. That even if he had lost Geoff, at least there was Jack and of course Ray and Michael who had both returned to his side.

Things would be fine.

When had the whispers gotten to Jack? Had a part of him always believed in the Child of Misfortune rumor? Or was it only his grief that had finally brought him to take the Ramsey sword and strike him down?

It was impossible to know now.

In the end, Jack was just a risk he wasn't willing to take.

The silver bracelet hit the floor and Gavin stomped on it. It broke apart easily and he hadn't expected any kind of sadness coming from it, but here he was and all he could do was look down on it and wrap his scarf tighter around himself. 

At least he'd still have the scarf, right? The scarf was a present from Geoff, and right now it was warm, soft, familiar, and helped a little with his shaking. He was about to leave all of this behind and he was well aware that it could not only cost him his family, but also his life. He could be forced to try again and that scared him the most.

No, that was the thing he had to avoid. He wasn't ready to do all of this again. So he would force his way onto the throne. He would make sure that he would stay on top of it until he slew his monster.

"I think I have everything." Michael stepped out of Ray's room and snapped him out of his thoughts. Gavin watched as Michael threw another bag in front of his bedroom. There were three now, things they could easily take with them through the secret passage without being noticed.

"Okay," Gavin mumbled. He took another look around, but he had already done that a dozen times. It still left him feeling weird seeing his chambers in such disarray and all his things thrown around.

When would be the next time he saw this place again?

"We're ready to go, I guess."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded and watched as Michael took all the bags into his bedroom. It was still early, before midnight. They could run through the night. It would take seven or eight hours until they would be noticed, an eternity to get some distance.

His eyes found the broken bracelet again and couldn't help but feel melancholic about it. In the dying fire the silver gleamed red. Part of him wanted to take at least one half with him, but he wouldn't. That part of him was gone; if he wanted to pull through with this, he had to get rid of any weakness. 

As long as he found an end to this all, as long as he didn't have to continue this cycle-

"What is going on here?"

Gavin froze, because that wasn't Michael's voice. Michael should be in his chambers right now. Even before he turned around, he knew, and still he was shocked to see Jeremy standing in the doorway.

He was still in his armor. For one second Gavin was sure that he knew about everything, that he was here to stop them, if necessary with violence, but that wasn't it. No, while he was watching Jeremy bend down to pick a book from the floor before he let his eyes wander over the chaos and noticing how futile that was.

"What even- What have you guys been up to?"

Gavin actually jumped when Jeremy looked at him, waiting for an answer. There weren't so much as words in his head right now, the shock of seeing him here wiping everything away. That wasn't what was supposed to happen, Jeremy should be at the pub tonight. He had said so himself! Even if he were to come back this early, there was no reason for him to be here. Not before tomorrow morning when they were already gone.

With him none the wiser and still-

"Jeremy."

That was Michael, stepping out of the bedroom. Right now he looked more alert than Gavin had seen him in weeks. "What are you doing here?"

"I was worried so I- what are _you_ guys doing?" Jeremy made a gesture to the state of the room, completely bewildered like he couldn't believe this was the same space he had just left a few hours prior.

Then he found Gavin again and he wasn't the only one. Michael was also looking at him, waiting for a decision, but he came up with nothing. His mind was running on overdrive, but it was all just empty panic and as time ticked on, Jeremy's confusion changed to something different, something doubtful.

Would he understand? Piece it all together?

"Sit down," Gavin blurted out if only to buy some time and Jeremy's eyebrows rose.

"And where? Even the seats are all over the place!"

He was right and when Gavin moved to put them up again, he noticed how much his hands were shaking. It did, however, give him a moment to breathe and collect himself and think.

Jeremy knew. He knew at least enough to screw up their plans. If he were to go and alert a guard, or worse, Geoff, any chance of escape would be as good as gone.

Michael came up next to him and picked up the remaining seat easily. When their eyes met Gavin was terrified how dark they were, how determined.

Right, they had made a choice and now-

"Sit down," Gavin said again and knew he had to get Jeremy to come with them. It was something he had considered before, to pull Jeremy to his side, but he had never dared.

Michael stepped back, away from the two of them. While Jeremy sat down, he watched them, distrustful. That was strange, he had never seen that expression aimed at them.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Gavin threw another glance to Michael and there was no time to prepare, so he just began to talk, "You were thinking that Ray didn't poison Geoff, right?"

The only common ground they had, the only way he could think of to figure out if Jeremy would follow him above Geoff.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Do you want to find out the truth?"

Jeremy frowned at him, unaware of Michael in the shadows behind him. Watching.

"What do you mean?" His eyes traveled over the room again. "Are you... running away? Does Geoff know about this?"

Gavin's silence seemed to be answer enough. He could discern how Jeremy was piecing things together he didn't quite want him to. At least not like this, if he could just explain this properly, but then again right here in the middle of the night and with the two of them looming over him, it would be hard to believe.

How could he explain that things had built up? That one thing had led to another? Michael and Ray had known for years, had been by his side. What would've happened if he had told Jeremy as a child as well?

Too late for that now. He watched as Jeremy tensed. There was something cold coming over him and his hand darted up to touch the emblem of his chest. Even then Gavin hoped-

"Did you poison Geoff?" Jeremy asked slowly, and for once Gavin decided against lying.

"I did."

"But why? Why would you- He's your father! Do you want him dead?"

"There's nothing I want less-"

"Strange way to show that!" Jeremy scoffed, but his iron grip on the emblem gave his nervousness away. "What do you think you're doing? Gavin, this is a fucking mess!"

"I can explain," he promised, but Jeremy was already shaking his head. He still had to try. "Would you follow us tonight? I can tell you everything on the road and you will see-"

He offered his hand, but Jeremy bodily moved away from it, pressing back in his seat and Gavin froze. It was at that moment that he knew he had lost Jeremy, that he was not on his side and would never help them with this.

He wasn't even sure how to react to it; while he had expected it, it left him with a strange sort of emptiness.

"Gavin, I can't. I-" Jeremy got up, twisting away to avoid touching him, and Gavin opened his mouth to get him to stay, to keep him here, but he didn't know how.

Michael moved as quietly as shadows. It was strange because usually, Michael was loud at the best of times, especially during fights. This time his muscles strained as he struck. There was no sound until Jeremy choked.

At first, Gavin thought it was because Michael had punched him in the throat, but then Michael ripped the dagger to the side and painted a red arc over the mess on the floor. No, not a dagger, but Gavin's letter opener, Michael must have snatched it from his desk.

Blood spilled over Jeremy's chest, but he also didn't seem to understand. His eyes were big as he half turned towards Michael behind him before stumbling, but Michael was there, one arm wrapped around his middle to steady him.

The letter opener clattered to the floor as Michael guided him to sit down and when Jeremy reached for his throat, Michael caught his hand to hold it instead.

"Sorry."

That single word coming from Michael was like a wake up slap and Gavin dared to breathe again. It tasted heavy and metallic on his tongue.

"Michael!" His voice grew high, but how could it not? Jeremy- Jeremy was losing so much blood and now his eyes darted up to him. He didn't even look scared, just confused. Gavin stared back, petrified.

"Michael, what-" 

"Sorry," Michael just said again. His arm was still wrapped around Jeremy as they sat on the floor and Michael held on to his hand. By the looks of it, Jeremy was also clinging tightly to him, but when he opened his mouth to say something, only blood bubbled up. It coated his lips and down to his chin and was all over his front.

It was over quickly, which was the most disturbing part. By the time Gavin forced himself to take another breath, it was all over and when Michael let go, Jeremy just slipped to the floor.

Gavin stared down at the body and tried to understand what had happened in a matter of minutes.

Jeremy was dead. There was too much blood for him to survive this and he watched it spread over the floor dark like shadows. He stumbled a step back before it could touch his boots.

Michael had killed him.

Gavin's eyes darted to Michael who was still kneeling there and didn’t know what to say. Even when he tried, every word just got stuck in his mouth the moment he tasted the heavy scent of blood again.

Michael didn't even look at him, he was turning Jeremy around to get to his belt and when he pulled one of the axes off it, Gavin was nearly sure that he was next. He had known that Michael was dangerous, after all, he was a warrior, but he had never truly seen him in action and as he hurled the ax back now, he didn't even move.

The ax went by him and buried itself into his bedroom door with a soft thud. The noise made him jump, but then Michael was already bending down, reaching for the next one and finally, Gavin could take a step closer.

"Stop." He touched his arm and Michael instantly froze. "What are you doing? What- _Michael."_

"It should look like he died fighting," Michael told him and while his voice was even, Gavin could feel him shake. "It should- That's the least I can do. If Jeremy died protecting you, he will be a hero. Not like this. This isn't a fitting end."

"Then why did you-" He couldn't finish that sentence because his gaze shifted back down and there was still more blood coming. It seemed impossible that one human had so much in them.

"Jeremy wasn't going to come with us. He would've told Geoff," Michael said. Gavin knew that. He fucking well knew that and it wasn't like he had an answer to what they should do, but this? This wasn't what he had wanted.

"He's dead!"

"I know."

Gavin felt himself grow sick. Michael said it nearly casually, like this was the most logical consequence, but this was Jeremy! Sweet, funny Jeremy.

Michale had to see that as well, Michael had spent so much time with him, they had trained together, they became warriors together. Now-

"I'm sorry," Michael said again. Gavin couldn't quite believe him. "But Gavin, you said yourself that we would have to do everything to pull through with this. We've made our choice long ago."

"This right here isn't a choice I've made!" he insisted, but Michael was only watching him out of calm eyes and Gavin couldn't even remember when the other had reached for him, but Michael's hand was steadying him.

"Let's go to Rhyst," Michael said. "Let's go and get Ray."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished the story this week! 125k and 16 chapters + epilogue!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had killed Jeremy.
> 
> He had killed a fellow warrior while he was unarmed and unaware. An attack from behind like a common criminal, and he hadn't even given him a chance to defend himself.
> 
> No, he had clearly seen how surprised Jeremy was, how wide his eyes had been. Not so much scared as to what was happening to him, but shocked. Betrayed.

Chapter 10

Rhyst was to the north of them. The kingdom itself was massive, nearly double the size of theirs, but most of it was rough mountain terrain where nobody besides a few nomads lived. The capital wasn't too far away from the border though, and Michael was pretty sure they could reach it late the coming day if they got lucky.

They would pass by his hometown, and that left him strangely melancholic. He didn't want to see his parents, no matter how slim of a chance that was. The thought alone terrified him more than anything else. The only time he could remember being this scared was as a child, sitting by his mother's feet and knowing he would leave them all behind to be sent to the castle.

He didn't want them to see him like this, not after what happened.

He and Gavin had ridden through the night and outside of the city it was pitch black. On one side that was good, it made it less likely that anyone saw them fleeing, but it also made navigating harder. Over them stretched the night sky endlessly and more than once Michael found himself looking up.

The Guiding Star was flickering, and with it his heart.

Neither of them spoke. Michael wasn't sure that Gavin could strike up a conversation at all. Shock.

He recognized the feeling from when he had found Ray with his teacup.

It made everything distant, like looking through murky water. Things had gone awry the moment he had left the main room to bring their bags towards the secret passage, the moment he had heard Jeremy.

Everything was a blur and all he knew was that he had waited so long. So fucking long to finally get going, to get closer to keeping his promise. All those days and weeks of sitting there at night and lying during the day. He couldn't take another setback, not after so long, not after he had promised to Ray he’d be there. He didn't want to leave him waiting. The thought of Ray getting out of the portal, coming back to life, and him not being there? That Ray was reborn with the thought that Michael had forgotten about him, that his dying breath had meant nothing to him… it wouldn't let him go. 

It was always there during the long night hours when Gavin was asleep and Ray's ghost was lingering in the shadows or calling from his empty room. It was always there when he tried to sleep, to eat, to train. When Gavin was plotting and Jeremy was talking to him, trying to take his mind off of things his mind wanted to linger on and-

Jeremy.

Was Jeremy really dead? That seemed impossible, Jeremy was strong. Not as strong as him, but nearly. More agile than him, more patient. It was Jeremy who had challenged him each day after training when he was through with Ray.

And even after all that, all it had taken him was a single motion. A strike before Jeremy had gone down, and that wasn't something that Michael wanted.

But Jeremy had tried to get away, to alert someone. Jeremy hadn't listened, and didn't he know what Michael had promised Ray? That he had to get to him as soon as possible?

Michael had panicked. 

Yeah.

They had covered quite a distance by the time it started to dawn. The low sun peeking through the woods made their shadows miles long, stretched into obscurity and Michael watched his dark companion on their midnight horse keep pace with him.

It was a pretty day, just like it had been after Ray's death, and wasn't that unfair? It felt unfair.

In roughly an hour Jeremy should step into the chambers and notice them missing. He would alert the guards and Geoff, and because of the chaos, they would assume there would've been intruders.

Why had Jeremy come back in the night? Gavin had asked him, but Michael couldn't even remember what Jeremy had answered. What a waste. What a God awful waste.

In the light of the new day he noticed his hands. In the darkness, he hadn't paid them any mind, but the red streaks were now a beacon. They had hurried out of the chambers. Gavin had taken care of everything and Michael had just taken the bags. No thought of washing his hands. Reins released to take a closer look.

At some point, he must have absentmindedly wiped them off on his tunic. His first instinct was to undress, throw it all away, and shed his own skin.

That wouldn't change anything, wouldn't shake this guilt and his shoulders slumped as he realized that.

He had killed Jeremy.

He had killed a fellow warrior while he was unarmed and unaware. An attack from behind like a common criminal, and he hadn't even given him a chance to defend himself.

No, he had clearly seen how surprised Jeremy was, how wide his eyes had been. Not so much scared as to what was happening to him, but shocked. Betrayed.

The moment they passed by a stream, he was off his horse and kneeled down. It wasn't a lot of water and it was cold enough to freeze his bones. Still, he scrubbed until his skin was raw; needed to get this evidence off.

When he looked up again, Gavin was wordlessly handing him a fresh shirt and Michael gladly changed. Afterward, they sat there and watched as Michael pushed his tunic under and scrubbed it hard enough that he feared the fabric would give.

"Why was he there?" he blurted out.

"I think he said that he was worried," Gavin told him, and Michael just shook his head.

Had they acted suspiciously? He didn't think so.

"Why was he there?" he asked again as if the answer would change. "Why did he fucking just come in, why didn't he go to the pub like he said? What was he doing already back in the castle? Didn't he know- if he had just stayed where he was supposed to be!"

He wasn't sure why he said that, it wasn't like he was mad at Jeremy. It wasn't like he wanted to pass the blame when he knew who was at fault all too well.

Gavin sat next to him, his knees pulled to his chest as he watched the water.

"It was unfortunate," he muttered.

"Why didn't you remember this would happen? Why didn't you warn me?"

"Because this didn't happen before, Michael. We have strayed too far off the path now, I won't be able to predict anything for sure anymore."

Frustrated, Michael threw his tunic down, making the water splash.

"Then how can we win? How can we fucking do this if you can’t foresee it?"

Gavin wrapped his arms around himself but still didn't look at him.

"It's just a game of chess," he said. "We're past the beginning now and both Geoff and I have brought our pieces into place. All that's left now is to win the game without harming the opposite King."

"But isn't that the fucking point of the game?"

Gavin didn't answer, and Michael scoffed.

"Is that all then? We're just your game pieces? You're a damn shitty player if you already lost your knight this early in the game."

Finally, Gavin turned towards him, his eyes wide in shock and the first time since they left the chambers, the first time after Jeremy, he touched him.

"You and Ray are not game pieces! You've never been and never will be. Not in my last life, not in this, and not in the next one should this plan not work!"

He believed his own words, Michael could see it in his eyes, but he himself wasn't too sure. Fuck, he was so tired of this shit, and with a sigh he let it go.

It was too late anyway; it had been too late for way too long to doubt his decision, and that was the same point they always came back to. He had made his choice and now he would stick to it.

Jeremy had been the same, only that his choice had been another one.

They had clashed and only one of them had gotten out of it.

That was all there was to it.

Michael fished his tunic out of the water and got to his feet.

"Let's go on. Our disappearance should be noticed soon. Let's cover enough ground while the weather is nice."

* * *

Gavin had never been to Rhyst. Queen Belatrice had visited them once while he was a child, and besides that Geoff and she kept in contact through letters. He could still remember that she had surprised him after everything that Geoff had told him about her.

Rhyst was a rough kingdom up in the mountains where huge beasts roamed. Hunting was a huge part of their culture and people who wanted to become warriors under her majesty had to go out there and hunt one of those beasts on their own. They had to come back with the fur and enough meat to feed their respective village before they were allowed into the Queen's guard.

Queen Belatrice had hunted down a bear and Gavin had seen the fur she was wearing when she had visited. It was as white as snow, and during the pleasantries of their introduction, Gavin had wanted nothing more than to run his fingers over it.

With all of Geoff's stories, he had expected the Queen to be bulky, but she was small, her body lean, but he could see the muscles flex under her dark skin.

She left him in awe when she had entered the castle, flanked by her guards and they were so different from their own. They all wore the fur of their first kill and their faces were painted as well. It looked like they had become the beast they had slain themselves and while it had terrified Gavin, he couldn't hide his fascination.

Now as he could see Rhyst's capital above them, he got the same feeling as back then.

The city was built into the mountainside, spiraling up and up until it nearly reached the snowy peaks. At the top stood the castle, a massive building that partly disappeared into the stone. The white marble walls were tinted red in the setting sun and Gavin felt breathless looking up to it.

The closer they had come to the capital, the colder it had become and his fingers and face felt numb as they rode through the city gates. He had changed into his Oracle cloak so it was his own damn fault because the outfit was meant to be imposing, not protect him from the weather.

Even Michael sat high up on his horse and was wearing his necklace. Gavin had gifted all three of his lads a golden eye. Ray had his brooch, Jeremy the belt buckle, and Michael a necklace. He was the only one who wouldn’t wear his around the castle because it bothered him during training and Gavin had long since gotten used to it. Now though, the gold reflected the remaining light.

The moment they rode through the streets, the people recognized him.

Ramsey's Oracle.

The boy who came back from the dead, knowing the future.

The golden eye.

The whispers followed him up the winding path and while he didn't look at the people, he was well aware of them. Michael as well.

His eyes were always wandering, checking for danger, but there was no ill will coming from any of them. That was a breath of fresh air.

They reached the castle and Gavin had to crane his neck to look up the massive walls. Someone had etched faces of old rulers into it, more than he could count and they continued down the wall until he couldn't see them anymore.

The guards with their white uniforms and fur-covered backs were surprised to see them, bowing their heads in respect the moment they recognized him.

"Royal Oracle. What brings you here?"

Not Prince Ramsey, interesting.

"I am on a long journey and ask for accommodation for tonight," he said, and there was no distrust from them; they quickly opened the gate and allowed him in. Servants took care of their horses and they were led into the castle. Inside it was warm thanks to the bonfire in the middle of the entrance hall and it was a blessing after the cold wind outside.

Many people were sitting around here, enjoying the fire and he could hear their whispers following him as they were led into an adjacent room.

"I will inform Queen Belatrice about your arrival."

"Please do."

They were left alone and he could hear Michael take a shaking breath. They hadn't talked much today, first because their topics were heavy and filled with what if's and guilt, then later because the cold had sealed their lips shut.

Now inside where they were safe from nature, it felt easier to speak.

"What if Queen Belatrice joins you?" Michael asked him. "Have you considered that you might start a war here?"

"She won't join me, she's dedicated to Geoff."

Michael scoffed again, something he did a lot recently, and it always felt like a slap in his face.

"Fine, but what if everything works out and you get the crown. Won't the Queen turn against you? Rhyst isn't someone you want as an enemy."

That... was something he hadn't considered and Gavin stopped in rubbing his hands together. There were portraits of old rulers staring down at him and their eyes were judging his every move.

"Geoff could assure her that it was for the better," he ended up saying, and now he could also feel Michael's eyes on him.

"You do know Geoff better than me," Michael told him. "But I don't believe that he will just take this all laying down. He will fight for his kingdom."

"I won't leave him a choice but to hand over the crown."

"Even if that works, what will keep him from running to Rhyst and joining forces with Queen Belatrice?"

Gavin had no answer for him. Surely Geoff wouldn't, Geoff would want to avoid a war at all cost because he loved his kingdom so. Surely Geoff would not dare to raise a weapon at him because he also loved him, right? Because they were family and Geoff would understand, somehow.

It had to be.

Steps were nearing, allowing him to ignore Michael's question and Gavin turned towards the door right as it was opened.

Queen Belatrice hadn't changed much since the last time he saw her, her fur coat was still so white that it made the snow look grey and dirty and her skirts were the same aqua blue he had found all over Rhyst. She wasn't wearing her crown right now but Gavin bowed on his own accord. Her whole being demanded respect and he couldn't help but wonder if that's how people felt when they saw Geoff.

Next to him Michael fell to his knees and lowered his head, but didn't touch his heart. No, he honored her, but his loyalty didn't lay with her.

"Prince Gavin, please stand."

She offered him her hand and he pressed his lips to her knuckles before standing straight again.

"Thank you very much for allowing us inside your castle on such short notice, Queen Belatrice."

She was watching him closely, trying to figure out what was going on and Gavin just continued to smile. In no way did he want to appear threatening, but seeing that he was still trembling from the cold, that wasn't too hard to do.

"Prepare a room for Prince Gavin and his companion," the Queen ordered and made a gesture to send all of her guards out of the room, which was strange enough. Even stranger when she turned back around and her face softened.

"Are you alright, boy? Is something the matter with Geoff?"

Motherly, a tone he hadn't come across yet, and it took him aback. For a moment it disarmed him, made any form of plan fall apart, and touched his heart. Something he for sure wanted to avoid.

"Both of us are fine, your Highness. I do come bearing news, however, they are not urgent enough to disturb the end of your busy day."

"If it's just us and our trusted, Belatrice is sufficient, Gavin." She had sharp eyes, no matter the concern on her face. He had to keep from fidgeting under her gaze. "You've grown plenty since the last time I saw you and even though Geoff has mentioned so in his letters, it's still a surprise to see. However, seeing as this is your first time in Rhyst you clearly have underestimated the weather. Geoff would never send you to deliver a message like this."

She pointed to his cloak, and a bit sheepishly, Gavin ducks his head. It was true, but thankfully she let it go with a sigh.

"However I can see that both of you are exhausted and the road must've been long. I will take your word and await your message tomorrow. For now, rest."

The room Queen Belatrice had provided them with was grand, with a massive fireplace in the middle of it. Gavin had sat there for a long time, getting warm again;nevertheless, he was now pushing the huge glass doors open. Outside was a large balcony that stretched over the cliffside. From up here, he could see over the city beneath and as he stepped to the banister, the marble felt smooth under his touch. A waterfall was coming from somewhere above him and crashed down the mountains. The water was clear blue just like the Queen's skirts had been. Pure snowmelt, and Gavin had never seen anything quite like it.

He watched it for a while before he turned back to the streets far beneath. There were people now, looking up at him, and he was still wearing his violet cloak. That way they knew exactly who he was and when he raised his hand to wave, they rejoiced.

Good.

He returned inside before it got too cold and found Michael still in front of the fire. He barely looked up at his nearing steps and Gavin didn't like that at all. Michael was passive; far and away the active man he knew. His hands twisting and turning against each other like he was trying to rub the guilt from them.

When he touched his shoulder, Michael leaned away from him.

"Let's go and sleep. Things will be better afterward."

He feared Michael would scoff again, though when he didn’t Gavin still felt chastised. Sleep wouldn't change a damn thing.

"Queen Belatrice won't play along with your demands, now that I've met her I can see why you think so," Michael mumbled. "So tomorrow we will head right back home."

"This bought us enough days to assure we won't run straight into one of Geoff's search troupes. There should be no problem with reaching the portal."

"Do you think he will come back?" Michael asked, and Gavin couldn't help but frown.

"Ray? Yes, of course. He did so-"

"Not Ray."

Oh. 

Gavin's shoulders slumped.

"You know how rare it is for people to come back from the Nether."

"Why should Jeremy be any different than me and Ray?"

"I don't know, Michael."

Michael sighed. A sigh that went through his whole body and he buried his head in his hands. He looked small like this; Gavin barely recognized him. Michael had always been strong, had never faltered in his choices.

Michael had always been by his side, but right now there was a distance between them that he wasn't sure how to cross.

Queen Belatrice looked divine upon her throne of bones. With her court close by and her guards, dressed up like beasts, it was a scene right out of one of Gavin's favorite books.

He was sure that more unfortunate souls had met their ends on the marble floor right beneath his boots, but not him, not while he was carrying Geoff's name.

"It saddens me to bring you bad news, your Highness, but King Ramsey will bring great misfortune to his kingdom soon; which will resolve in bad tradings to yours as well. Once I confronted King Ramsey with my prediction he refused to listen any longer and I was forced to leave the castle."

He watched her face while he spoke and saw the disgust grow in her eyes. There was no trace of the motherly tone in her voice, and wasn't that a shame.

The court was listening; he saw some wearing the golden eye along with other charms. That was good and he was glad that his plan was working, but under Belatrice's steady gaze he felt small.

"So what do you want from me, Oracle?" she asked and her tone was as cold as her lapis-crown.

"Help me overthrow King Ramsey for the sake of both of our kingdoms."

Disgust turned to proper rage now, and next to him Michael tensed. But Queen Belatrice didn't need any weapons, she didn't even stand. Her words were vicious enough on their own.

"In this kingdom traitors get cast out onto the highest peaks, Seer. If they do not agree with the rules of our society, they will be cast out of it and refused any help. We as a kingdom turn their back on them just like they have done to us. You are in luck that you are important to a dear ally of mine, otherwise, I would make sure the same would happen to you."

Gavin tried hard not to shiver.

"All I'm asking from you is your assistance in-"

"I don't assist in patricide," she interrupted him and this time he couldn't help but pull a face. "Leave my kingdom this day, Seer, and don't return. Yet, I believe you already knew this the moment you stepped into my borders, didn't you?"

He avoided answering that very question and instead just bowed low.

"As you wish, your Highness. I thank you for your hospitality, but if we aren't welcome, we will leave immediately."

She didn't stop him, didn't even say another word, but her guards made sure he left the castle soon enough. That was fine, it was still very early and after a goodnight's sleep, everything did, in fact, look a bit better. Their horses were also well taken care of and they were barely out of the castle walls when the first people found them.

Some common folk, but also warriors, even those painted like animals and they all kissed his hand when he offered.

"If you want to protect your home and families from great misfortune, then follow me. Fight by my side for our all future."

And they did.

* * *

Gavin was nervous about this place, Michael could tell. He had watched him wrap and unwrap his scarf countless times in the past few minutes. The ends were pulled around his hands; twisting, turning. 

Michael didn't comment on it, yet couldn't help but wonder if it was because of this place or because Gavin was starting to doubt himself. Just because Ray had come back before, didn't mean it had to happen again. Hadn't they learned that the smallest of details could change big things?

For their all sake he hoped Gavin was right because if he wasn't... Michael wasn't sure what he would do. He knew about the people who just sat at the portal, waiting, and while he didn't want to become one of them, he didn't know what other option he might have.

He couldn't return to his home, or the castle, and he wasn't sure if he could follow Gavin any longer. His trust in him was shaking, and Gavin wasn't stupid enough not to notice that.

This right here could make or break them.

The horses had stopped the moment they had reached the trees and they had left them there, too anxious to try and get them to move further and by now Michael was all out of patience. It had run low when Gavin had sent a letter to his followers in the cities and when he had a day later ordered the warriors of Rhyst to meet up with them in a remote location. How many would wait for them when they would join them? A small army like Gavin was hoping?

Honestly, Michael didn't care. All of those big plans meant shit all to him if this part didn't work.

Gavin stopped in his tracks to steady himself against a tree. He looked sick, pale, and drenched in sweat. His scarf was undone, one end nearly dragging on the floor as he swallowed.

Michael could feel it as well, a pulse in the base of his skull. It echoed through his whole body, making his fingers shake when he had trained so hard to never let them. 

"Is that the portal?" Mogar on his back was vibrating in its sheath.

"I don't remember it being this bad," Gavin said, and Michael waited until he caught his breath again.

"Did you ever think about going back through it again? Would you go back to  _ before _ ?" The idea had just popped up in his head. though Gavin already shook his.

"I died in the  _ before _ , there is nothing for me to return to," he explained. "If I can go through I will only end up in the Nether." He fell silent, his eyes focused on the trees in front of them and Michael knew that just a bit further they would be able to see the portal.

"If Ray isn't waiting for us, I will go back in and get him out."

That... was a surprise. Michael turned towards him and Gavin caught his gaze. It took no genius to know Gavin was terrified of this place, that it held too many memories and questions, and Michael had started to doubt him. Doubt that they meant a thing to him; Ray was really just a scapegoat and he himself barely better. A shield Gavin needed on his journey, nothing more.

He had referred all of this to a game of chess after all, and Michael knew enough about the game to know sacrifices had to be made. It was the same with war after all, and he was replaceable in both.

"I don't want to do all of this again after we've come this far. I don't want to meet Geoff again and hurt him. Maybe I won't remember, maybe I will, but I don't think I'm strong enough to do it again. So I have to pull through with this, no matter what. I made my choice, just like you said," Gavin told him. "But I also don't want to lose you or Ray in this. I also didn't want to lose Jeremy because he'd always been good to me and I know that it's my fault. Maybe if I had told him the truth sooner... I don't know. But you two? I know that I can trust both of you and that means more than anything else."

He pushed himself off of the tree and marched on. "I will get Ray back, no matter what."

Michael watched him for a moment longer before following him. It was easier now.

A few minutes later the trees parted and he looked down into a clearing that made his hair stand on edge. There were more people than he had anticipated and still less than he had assumed, most didn't even acknowledge their existence.

There was the portal of course. Made out of darker than black stones with a purple veil in the middle. The color reminded him a little of Gavin's Oracle cloak and he idly wondered if that was on purpose, though honestly he didn't care.

He forced himself to look away from the portal and let his eyes travel. At first, he didn't see him and his heart sank, but then Gavin gasped.

And there, at the edge of the clearing, Ray got up and waved at them. He looked sheepish doing so, but it was so clearly him, the red cape bright in the sun, and he was laughing. Michael was sure his heart would burst.

Gavin reached him first and all but threw himself at Ray. They swayed for a moment before Ray brought his arms up,  _ both  _ of them, and steadied him.

"Took your time," Ray teased, and Gavin squeezed him tighter.

"I'm sorry. Oh by the Gods Ray, I'm so sorry!"

Ray just laughed and then their eyes met. It took Michael's breath away because he could read too much in them. There was a glimmer there, a boundless joy of seeing them again, but beneath? Beneath there had been fear and doubt. It had eaten at Ray because he had come out of the portal, he had come back from the dead, and neither of them had been there.

How long ago was that? How long had he already waited for them? Those endless days and nights and hours, wondering if in the end he had been right and all he had been was a scapegoat. One that had fulfilled their role only to be cast aside.

By the way he clung to Gavin's back, all of those thoughts and more had haunted him.

"I asked you to smile," Ray told him, and hearing him again made Michael's chest ache. "You're doing the exact opposite!"

Was he? He didn't care because in the next second he could finally wrap his arms around Ray and fuck, alright, he was crying. He was fucking sobbing, but he couldn't get it to stop. Not with how he had held everything back for so long, not when everything was such a mess, and the last time he had been so close to Ray, he had laid on his bed, dying.

When he pressed his head against Ray's chest he could hear the heartbeat that was missing before. He wanted to confess everything, he wanted to just blurt out what had happened.

His feelings and doubts and how he had thought Ray was still around, how he had seen him every night, and then in his dreams. How Jeremy was dead by his hands because the thought of prolonging seeing Ray again had taken his breath away.

How he thought Gavin might be in over his head, that Gavin had no idea what he was doing and it would only end in heartbreak.

But that wasn't important, not right now because Ray pulled him closer and his voice was wet when he laughed.

"Don't do this ever again," Michael told him. "Don't you dare. Don't you fucking leave me alone again."

Ray's laugh died down, but his arms wrapped tighter around him, a hand trying to smooth down his hair, and when he leaned down, his voice was only meant for him.

"I won't. I promise."

"When did you come out?"

"Yesterday morning," Ray told him. They were sitting leaned against a tree a bit away from the clearing and Michael still couldn't shake the feeling off that they were being watched. Probably because that was exactly the case, and every time he let his eyes wander, he found people staring at them. People who were waiting around the portal, and some of them were creeping closer as if he wouldn't notice them.

Right now they were still some distance between them so he didn't do anything, but they made Ray tense. Gavin was standing a bit further away, talking with a woman with bright red hair and dark armor. Lindsay, she had introduced herself, the Taker of Hope. She was in charge here and he could tell that her eyes were attentive, watching the people creeping closer on them as well.

Of course, they knew Gavin, knew about the dead boy able to see the future. He had given these souls hope of seeing their loved ones again.

"I don't like it here," Ray whispered. He leaned close enough that Michael could feel his breath on his face as if it was a secret.

"Me neither," he admitted and reached out to put a hand on his knee. "I'm sorry that you had to wait here. We should've come sooner."

Ray shook his head.

"It's fine. You couldn't know when I would come out of the portal and I..." he hesitated, furrowing his brow. "I knew you would come. You promised, right?"

That was a white lie, because Ray had doubted them. Michael had seen it in his eyes when they had appeared between the trees and he could feel it in the tremors of his body right now.

Michael couldn't find it in him to blame him for it. Ray had put all his trust in them when he drank the poison. Last night must have been awful for him, knowing that they had forsaken him.

Thank the Gods that it had only been a day.

"I'm sorry," Michael said again, and while Ray did open his mouth, he didn't talk back. Just took it to heart and laid his hand on Michael's, holding on.

"Who are you looking for?" Ray asked after a moment of silence and Michael hadn't noticed that he did it again, his eyes wandering not only to check on the other people and Gavin but also to search.

Jeremy wasn't here. There wasn't a single familiar face besides them. And still, he couldn't stop hoping-

Gavin had told him that it was unlikely; it was incredibly rare for folks to come out of the Nether. Despite that he wanted to believe. Jeremy was strong. Surely if Gavin could come back, if Ray, and himself- then why wouldn't Jeremy be able to? He was just as much a lad as all of them, but Michael didn't dare to even think further on that. After all, he was the reason why Jeremy was in the Nether in the first place. If Jeremy came out of the portal right now... he wouldn't know what to say.

Truth be told, it hadn't fully sunken in yet. Everything about that evening seemed distant and blurry, just like a dream. He could nearly pretend it was one, but that would be weak and he refused to do it.

He had killed Jeremy and he wouldn't deny it. His blood was on his hands and Jeremy had looked him in the eyes as he died. Sure, Michael could find excuses, reasons why he did it, but it wouldn't change his culpability.

The other thing was, Ray had no idea that Jeremy was dead. Ray had no idea what the situation was at all. Michael wasn't sure where to begin explaining.

Not right now, not when he was happy because Ray was back. Ray was warm next to him, breathing and well and alive. Sad news could wait a little longer and so Michael just sighed.

"Nobody."

Ray could tell he was lying, but didn't call him out on it. No, he just slotted his fingers in the spaces between his, and Michael could cry just seeing that.

"I'm happy you are back."

"Me too," Ray said and there was another story to that. Ray had also come from a journey with all kinds of sad news, but he kept it to himself as well. That was fair.

Gavin joined them a few minutes later. He was smiling when he sat down, but it turned into a frown. Reaching out, he took Ray's free hand in his and turned it around.

"It doesn't hurt?"

"Not at all," Ray assured him. "I can move it freely again like nothing ever happened."

"That's great," Michael told him, and Ray shot him a grin before turning back around. Gavin was still examining his arm and was running a thumb over a faint bruise on his forearm.

"That happened afterward," Ray explained. "When I fell out of the portal one of those guys here grabbed me and I was too dazed to fight them off. Lindsay got me out."

Gavin stared up at him so with so much concentration that it was intimidating, but if he wanted to comment on it, he didn’t.

"Lindsay has already sent a letter to Geoff saying that Ray has returned," he told them. "It will take some time until it will reach the castle, but Geoff will head towards here immediately."

"So we can't stay here."

Gavin shook his head. "I want to catch up with those waiting for us as soon as possible."

"Can I get an update about what's going on before that? Feeling kinda lost here," Ray asked and Gavin chuckled.

"Of course. Maybe not here though."

"Well then." Ray freed his arms from both of them and got to his feet. "Let's get going."

"Are you sure? Don't you want to rest some more?"

Ray shook his head and his smile wasn't quite honest. "I rather don't want to stay too long here. It's scary.”

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I didn't invite you onto my land, dead boy," she snarled, and he was nearly amused by her defiance of calling him by his name.
> 
> "You should watch your tongue before I take every inch of land from you," he reminded her kindly, and her face pulled into a horrible grimace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's ready to meet out favorite Lady Reese again?

Chapter 11

Gavin threw his cloak over a low hanging branch to dry. They had stopped on the edge of Echolon Forest, just out of the reach of the portal, and would rest here for the night. There was a clear river nearby, and after days on the road it had felt amazing to wash all the dust off.

Ray joined him a moment later, pushing wet hair out of his eyes as he let himself drop onto the soft grass. He threw him a smile, but it was just as haunted as all of those before.

Not that they could judge him after what had happened. If Ray dealt with the trauma by dialing everything to eleven, that was fine. He talked more, laughed louder, always looking for them as if he wanted to make sure they knew he was around, that he wasn't gone. Like he had to scream out he was alive just so he could be sure it was true.

Gavin amused him by scooting closer and nudging him with his foot. While he did so, he noticed the faint bruise again. It was still there on his arm where greedy hands had held on too tightly. That wasn't unusual, after all, Gavin had worn the very same marks when he had come out of the portal when the people had torn at him like a doll just to make him theirs, but he also knew what else it meant.

_ Before  _ when Ray had returned from the Nether, there had been no bruise on him. Even if he got so much as a scratch it had vanished in seconds. The demon he had brought out had healed him from any harm, no matter how small. No matter how serious.

Sichora had been able to take any pain away as long as it meant keeping her host alive.

Seeing the bruise now meant Ray hadn't contracted the same demon. Of course, it had been naive to expect that to happen, now that Gavin thought about it. Things were different than before, things had shifted because he had made different choices and the Ray from before and the Ray now weren't the same, so he figured it made sense that he would carry a different demon altogether.

He wasn't yet sure if it was a setback yet, because Sichora had been powerful. Healing Ray from any harm had turned him into a reckless warrior who had gladly jumped into battle for him.

Ray chuckled and woke Gavin from his thoughts. He tore his eyes from the bruise and looked up, fearing that Ray had noticed him staring. That was a conversation for another time, but Ray wasn't even turning towards him.

No, he was staring at Michael by the river, and Gavin followed his gaze. 

He wasn't stupid, of course, he knew that Michael was attractive. All the training had shaped his body and his eyes also wandered when Michael began to wade out of the river, but it wasn't the same. He knew that Ray had a thing for him because he wasn't fucking blind. And by the way Michael had acted after Ray's death, the feeling might be mutual.

He opened his mouth to tell Ray that before chiding himself. That wasn't his business and he wasn't going to get involved in it.

"That view is worth being reborn, isn't it?" Ray bluntly asked, and Gavin couldn't help but laugh loudly. It made Michael look up at them, but he only had eyes for Ray, who grinned wolfishly.

"I missed you, Ray," Gavin told him and meant it from the bottom of his heart. If they could just stay like this, the three of them without any responsibilities and awful titles, he figured he would be fine.

Ray's smile turned soft, but his teasing tone didn't falter.

"You haven't even seen my final form."

"What is that supposed to-"

"Okay," Michael called from the river. "Which of you assholes stole my shirt?"

Ah. Ray's grin was wild as he leaned back. Gavin hadn't noticed the shirt he was hiding behind his back at first, yet now he couldn’t help but chuckle. It stopped abruptly when Ray pointed at him.

"What? It wasn't me!"

"Gavin, you shouldn't lie," Ray told him, but Michael wasn't buying it. He marched right up to them and whatever blame Ray wanted to shift, it would've failed by how gleeful his eyes were sparkling.

Yeah, Michael didn't even think twice about it before charging at him and while Ray tried to get up, Michael promptly wrestled him back on the ground.

"No!" Ray squealed as he half-heartedly tried to crawl away. "You're still wet and cold! Stop it!"

"Should've thought about that beforehand!"

He pinned Ray down easily and they looked at each other for an eternal, breathless moment. Gavin actually felt like he was intruding on something. Though suddenly, Ray surged up and somehow managed to flip them over.

"Gotta look out for two arms now, asshole."

And then they were rolling over the grass like children, each trying to get the upper hand, and Gavin watched them fondly until his eyes drifted away.

His violet cloak drifted in the wind. They should get started with building a camp for the night, but right now he was too comfortable just sitting here in the last daylight. If everything went according to plan, they would reach the Reese residence tomorrow, and while he couldn't deny that a part of him was excited to show Lady Reese her place, it also left him a little sick.

The moment he had the fortress under his control, he would invite his followers inside and his offensive against Geoff would begin. It would only take a few days until the King would hear about it and then... then he would see if he was right. If Geoff would trust him enough to hand the crown over, if he would be able to accept Gavin as his heir.

He had to, Gavin didn't want to push this into any kind of battle, but Michael's words had left him unsure.

Still, he pushed them away, didn't want to dwell on them. It just had to work.

The sun lowered until it was hidden behind his cloak, painting them all in violet light. He watched it crawl up his legs until it reached his hands and chest and by the time he looked up, Michael was asleep.

That wasn't quite a surprise, Gavin was pretty sure that Michael hadn't slept a lot in the past few weeks. Now, tucked in right next to Ray he looked the most peaceful than he had seen in a long time. 

Watching them like this, he figured Ray would soon follow, but now that he was paying attention he could tell that while Ray might be exhausted - he was fighting sleep. Always snapping awake when his eyelids started to get too heavy.

It didn't take much to figure out why.

"I'm more scared to sleep than I was when I drank that tea," Ray told him. "Isn't that pathetic?"

"I don't think so. Nightmares are scary."

"For little kids maybe."

Gavin just shook his head and Ray sighed.

"At least they'll get better after time, right?"

He wasn't sure about that. He had his fair share of recurring nightmares in his life. If he closed his eyes he could vividly remember Ray's hand in his as they ran through the secret passage and how scared he had been as a child. How he had feared each night to hurry down that dark and narrow passage over and over again, but that fear had been like a dull knife over time. Still able to hurt, just not in the same way as the first time.

Before he could answer, Ray turned onto his side towards him. "You also came from the Nether," he said, something thoughtful in his voice. "But you were a child. How could... how? You walked through hell. I know because I walked through hell. I was older and prepared, and still I nearly lost hope. There were  _ voices _ ."

He couldn't remember any voices, but when Ray said that it sent a chill down his spine. A part of him knew exactly what Ray was talking about, a thousand voices without a mouth, offering, demanding, and threatening with each step.

The memory was so deeply buried that he gladly let go of it, so it could sink back into his subconsciousness.

"I don't remember my time in the Nether," he told Ray. "I just remember... red. Everything was drenched in red."

"Yeah..."

They fell quiet, each focusing on their thoughts, and Gavin watched while Ray picked at the grass. He felt raw like he had touched something he had thought long healed only to find that it was still tender. The Nether had only been an afterthought after what had happened, something he rather ignored because he had enough on his plate already. Now he began to wonder about it in earnest. With all the things he had read about it, nobody had really known what it was.

Sure, there had been scholars and priests who had tried to talk with him, but he just had been too young to fully grasp what had happened to him. Death had never been too important, just another stage in his life. One that he could come back from, even if it would be inconvenient.

For Ray, it had been a bitter reality, and Gavin tried to understand what all of that meant, but he wasn't quite able to. The sheer amount of trust Ray had put into his words, into his very hands. Gavin had told him that he would come back and so Ray had taken the leap of faith.

It was nearly enough to take his breath away.

"The voices were demons and at one point I just agreed," Ray muttered after a while. He couldn't help but shudder. Michael just nestled closer as if to comfort him. It had to be subconscious because he was still deeply asleep.

"You made a deal with a demon and brought them out."

"Estrelle," Ray told him. "She lives in my shadow now."

As if to prove so, he pointed down and now that Gavin was paying attention to it, he could tell that Ray's shadow didn't quite fit. It was a bit too big, a little twisted, like someone was trying their best to fit in but wasn't quite able to.

While he watched, it moved. One of its shadowy hands reached for his leg. Gavin flinched away and it stopped immediately, sinking back into Ray's shadow.

"I didn't think you'd be surprised by that." Ray's voice was dull, tired and Gavin realized that he had hurt him by his reaction.

"The last time you brought another demon with you. Their name was Sichora. I was surprised."

"Oh."

"Sichora could heal you. You could recover from anything!"

Ray's face darkened further. "That does sound more useful... I'm sorry."

Gavin's heart sank and he scooted closer. "Ray... Please, there is no reason for you to apologize. I don't care what demon is with you as long as you made it out."

It didn't quite reach, he could tell. Gavin leaned towards him.

"Do you know what Estrelle can do?"

For a moment Ray was quiet, but he was listening. Gavin couldn't hear a thing, but he knew that Ray could, that something was answering the question.

"She lives in people's shadows," he finally said, but not without a frown. "I am not sure what that means though."

Gavin also had no clue. 

Looked down he noticed that his and Ray's shadows were now touching. He couldn't quite tell if that was natural or not, nonetheless he had to fight down a shiver.

"It doesn't matter," he told him again, and he meant it. "As long as you are back, Ray... That's the most important thing."

"Which one?"

"The green one."

Ray handed him the green cloak and he pulled it on. There was no mirror out here in the woods, but Ray was there to make sure everything sat perfectly. Now with his healed arm, it went even quicker than before. Ray sat the silver crown on his head so quickly he could barely keep up. After so long not wearing it the weight felt foreign. He would grow accustomed to it again.

Today he had to be the Crown Prince and no one else. 

Just beyond the tree line stood the Reese residence, an old fortress that looked over the area around. A good place to gather his followers once and for all.

He only had to take it.

"Okay," Ray muttered, and Gavin turned towards them. It felt nostalgic seeing them like this. Michael with his trusted broad sword on his back and Ray with his red cape. It reminded him of  _ before,  _ but he pushed that away, didn't care about it anymore. His old life was too far away now, the moment he had turned against Geoff he had lost any connection to it.

Ray and Michael weren't the same as back then, they were his. There was no one in this or the last world he trusted more.

"Are you guys ready?" he asked them and Michael threw him an easy smile.

"I’ve been ready to kick that bitch's ass for at least a decade."

Ray nodded eagerly and Gavin couldn't help but agree. Lady Reese was a witch who had made his life miserable. There wasn't any place for mercy in his heart.

"Let's go then."

The huge gate towards the fortress was open and why wouldn't it be? They were in times of peace, had been for decades now and Gavin couldn't even see any kind of guard. Only by the time, they stepped in front of the main building, were they noticed by a maid.

She stared at him like she was seeing a ghost before quickly falling to her knees, unconcerned by the freshly folded clothes she simply dropped.

"Long live Prince Ramsey!"

"Please stand and fetch the lords of this house for me, will you?"

She hurried away, not shutting the door after her, and Gavin took the chance to step inside. The entrance hall was big and covered with golden statues. Clearly, Lady Reese wanted to impress her visitors, but after living in castles all his life, it didn't quite work.

There were more servants around, watching with big eyes before hurrying away, but he didn't feel any ill will coming from them. Even so, both Michael and Ray were watching attentively.

There was some form of commotion coming from above and just a few moments later he could hear Lady Reese.

"What do you mean he's here?"

By the Gods, her voice still made the hair on his arms stand up, all of it might be worth it just to see her face when she stepped into the entrance hall.

"I didn't invite you onto my land, dead boy," she snarled, and he was nearly amused by her defiance of calling him by his name.

"You should watch your tongue before I take every inch of land from you," he reminded her kindly, and her face pulled into a horrible grimace.

She stepped up to him, probably to spew even more poison, but Michael was already there. He stood in her path and he was an imposing sight, sometimes Gavin forgot about how dangerous he could be. Michael was one of their most promising warriors and Lady Reese had to know that he could kill her.

By the way she was glaring at him, she didn't seem to believe he would.

"You are in the presence of the future King," Michael reminded her. "Kneel and swear your devotion or be marked as a traitor to the crown."

Lady Reese paled. Gavin was sure he wasn't the only one remembering a very similar situation to this one, but this time no Geoff was watching over him.

For once that was a good thing.

Slowly and without hiding her disgust she lowered her head, but that wasn't enough. Ray thought the same because he was the next to step up, a hand on his weapon. It was his rapier, Michael had brought it especially for him.

"He asked you to kneel."

And where Lady Reese had been pale before, her face was now red in anger. Gavin hadn't so much as moved a muscle, yet here they were, with her slowly getting on her knees.

Gods above, he liked the way that felt.

For a moment he let her stay there and enjoyed towering over her, just like she had done so many times with him. When he finally spoke it was calm because he wasn't as cruel as her, no, that's something he didn't want.

"The Royal Oracle requires your home, Lady Reese. I thank you for your support during the-"

"What?" She made to get up, but Michael easily pushed her back down. "I'd rather die than let you and your filthy friends stay a second longer here!"

He tilted his head as if to consider that as an offering, while Ray circled her. He didn't bother drawing his sword, but his quiet steps unnerved her. When he was right behind her, he stopped, and Gavin was sure that his eyes flashed dark for a second.

Interesting.

"You should consider your words very carefully," Ray told her. "You are not quite in the situation to make any demands and keep your head at the same time."

They were being watched, Gavin was very aware of that. There was the maid from before, lingering in the doorway and she wasn't the only one. There were servants and even one of the guards that always accompanied Reese in the castle.

Neither of them interfered. Reese also had to feel their eyes on her. How humiliated she must be, but Gavin was a far cry from feeling sorry for her.

"The Royal Oracle requires your home," he repeated. "The only say in this if you want to leave here alive or die where you've been born."

She grit her teeth hard enough that he could hear it, but they had time. For this, he had all the time in the world.

"This residence has been in the hands of our family for over a century," she spat. "I can't just hand it over to someone like you!"

For once her words filled him with glee because now he could return the very same message she had given to him.

"You should understand your place in this play, Lady Reese." He fished for the small knife beneath his cloak and easily handed it to Ray. It was satisfying to see her eyes widen in fear.

"You are merely a pawn. Only to be disposed of when the time is right."

She tried to run, but Michael easily held her down. He was behind her now, pinning her arms against her back while his other hand was buried in her hair, forcing her to bare her throat.

"It's your choice to make if that time is now or not."

She stopped her struggling once the blade touched skin and while the sight of blood made him a bit nauseous, Gavin didn't avert his eyes. No, he watched each line Ray painted on her forehead because she had done the same.

She had done the same when he was barely an adult and had shown him no mercy.

BITCH

The letters were a bit crooked, not quite centered, but that just made it better. Ray let go of her chin and stepped back and Michael just pushed her aside. She caught herself before hitting the floor, making blood hit the stones, but she made no noise. No, her pride was too strong for that, and with anyone else that might be admirable.

"I'll give you half an hour to dress your wounds and leave this place," Gavin told her. "If you're still there by then I won't be so merciful."

Gavin stepped out on the wall surrounding the residence. From up here, he could see for miles, and he stopped to take it all in. The roads with different travelers, distant cities and villages. The fields everywhere, all with a different color depending on what grew there. Deep woods of course; after all this kingdom was famous for their forests.

The one closest to the residence was brimming with life today, and the longer he stood there, the more people he could make out.

They were all different, some carrying weapons even if it was only a rusty pitchfork or a dull sword. There were also knights among them, warriors of the castle, and of course those from Rhyst. Their white coats were bright in the sun, the few wearing furs of their kills against the cold.

All of them were looking up to him and he was pleased with their numbers. Well over a hundred heads and even more that would surely come. He could send enough messengers out there to spread his messages without weakening their defenses too much.

The nobles would be mostly useless in this phase, but their time would come. They were influential and had the funds in case Gavin needed it after all of this was said and done. There would be voices of protest once he was on the throne, people dedicated to Geoff, but he was experienced with people criticizing him.

Down the path was Lady Reese and the few loyal to her. Geoff would soon know where they were, and then the really hard part would begin.

Until then there were a lot of things to consider and many to impress. His reputation and lies had brought him here, had brought him all those people, and now he had to keep them. To assure them that he wasn't lying, that their decision had been the right one.

So he waited until they were closer, until they could see him and his now violet cloak. He didn't even bother with a crown because right now he wasn't the Prince of this kingdom. No, he didn't dare carry the title when he was so blatantly moving against Geoff now.

They were following the Royal Oracle and that's what they wanted to see.

Gavin turned around and offered his hand.

"Ray?"

His most devoted coming back to life. Just like he had foreseen before his disappearance.

Ray took his hand and Gavin pulled him up ahead where everyone could see. Where his red cape was glowing like embers in the sun, and it was the complete opposite of his dream.

No narrow hallway, no one following them, and neither of them would die. Just Ray's hand in his, the bright sun above and the murmurs of the crowd as they understood. As another of his predictions turned out true and made any doubt vanish.

At that moment Gavin knew he had their lives in his hands.

* * *

Gavin was talking to yet another of his followers who swore their undying loyalty to him. Considering that Michael was pretty sure he had seen the very same man kneel in front of Geoff before, hands on his chest, he knew how true his words were.

The warriors though, the ones settling in the quarters of the residence now, they were those who would help them the most. They didn't wear sparkling rings like this man here, but wooden charms with the golden eye etched on it.

Gavin could tell as well, Michael could read it in his body language.

This day had already gone on too long and he knew it was wearing on all of them. Michael was no stranger to violence and he didn't shy away from it, but holding Lady Reese down hadn't felt right. She was awful, a devil in human form and he knew she deserved it, but she had been unarmed and helpless.

It hadn't felt like a victory.

This one didn't either.

All those people who just talked and talked, and Gavin with his everlasting smile, like they didn't tire him in the slightest. All useless things just to assure those pesky nobles that of course their names wouldn't be forgotten.

The real work would come afterward when they would organize the rooms and their supplies. Michael had seen many weapons when Gavin's followers had entered the residence, but barely any had been usable. There were even less who could use them.

Gavin didn't plan to engage in battle, but it still left Michael restless. He would take care of that, check if there was an armory in here somewhere. Even better, he would look for the head of the guards if they hadn't already fled, not many had.

Gavin had given Reese’s staff the option though. Thinking about it, the head maid could give them useful information too. Ray would probably take care of that, but when Michael turned towards him to check with him, he found him inattentive.

Ray looked exhausted, which wasn't a surprise. He had never been one for the spotlight and today Gavin had dragged him into it. Not only up on the wall, but also now, when too many people outright stared at him, another dead boy, another Child of Misfortune.

Some had tried to touch him as if to check if he was real. Michael had quickly pushed himself between them. Even so, Ray's faraway gaze was strange because he knew better than to let his guard down while they were watching over Gavin.

Something was off about that.

He brushed against Ray's hand and that snapped him back to attention.

"Okay?" Michael mouthed and Ray pressed his lips together. When he leaned in, he whispered just quiet enough that only he could hear.

"I have to speak to Gavin."

That wouldn't happen for a while, not by how many people wanted to indulge in more useless talk, but it did sound urgent.

Michael waited until the stranger finally finished his talk before grasping Gavin's arm.

"Let's take a break."

"There are more-"

"They can wait for a few minutes."

Michael nodded towards Ray and didn't like the far away gaze he wore again. Gavin noticed as well and it was enough to pique his interest.

"Alright."

They settled in a nearby room and Michael helped Ray sit down because he wasn't quite with them. That was concerning.

"Ray?"

"You did something with your demon, with Estrelle, when we talked to Reese," Gavin said, and nodded towards the floor. Michael took a moment before he noticed it as well.

Ray's shadow was moving like a living being, like boiling water. He couldn't help himself but take a hasty step back. He didn't want to touch it, to even be close to it. Ray noticed.

Ray snapped to awareness to look straight at him. Made no move to hide his hurt. Fuck.

"I let her slip into Reese's shadow," he told them. Michael had to fight to keep a straight face. Behind him, Gavin gave an excited hum.

"If I listen real close, I can hear her."

"What the fuck," Michael blurted out, but apparently he was the only one who found that positively weird judging by the gleam in Gavin's eyes.

"You can listen in on her?"

Ray pulled a face at that. "Not... quite. I can hear her voice, but it's hard to understand. Sometimes I catch words, but..."

"But out there you couldn't quite focus on it."

Ray nodded. "I wanna give it a try."

Gavin crouched down next to him and put his hands on his arm. "Go ahead. You're safe in here."

"Will you wake me in a few minutes if I'm not back?"

"Of course."

"Wait," Michael interrupted them. "What the fuck are you-"

"You don't have to stay in here if you don't want to," Ray told him. He looked in his direction, but not in his eyes. Michael's heart sank.

"That's not- This might be dangerous!"

"I'll be fine," Ray told him. "You can go."

"I will not leave you!"

This time Ray full out stared at him, but Michael held his gaze because he wasn't about to fucking turn his back on him. Not now. Not after everything.

Maybe that was enough because Ray turned away again and lowered his head as if to bow. The shadow pooled beneath him was pulsing and Michael tried not to pay attention to the way it seemed to be breathing. Gavin, still crouching right next to it, didn't even seem to notice. He was watching Ray attentively, still holding on to his arm and waited.

They stayed in complete silence and Michael knew they didn't want to disturb Ray in his concentration, but just standing there made him restless and at one point he gave up not trying to stare at the shadow.

Estrelle, a fucking demon lived in there. He didn't want to pull a face at that, but he did. This was fucked up and way out of his comfort zone. It was bullshit enough that Gavin had dropped out of the portal and remembered some form of alternative life; now Ray? Ray who could now do whatever this was.

There were powers at work here that they didn't understand and Michael was pretty sure they shouldn't mess with them. By the way Gavin was crouching there, with a nearly greedy look on his face, he didn't think the same. No, he was ready to use anything he could to get what he wanted.

Ray's shadow froze for an eternal second before bursting apart. It was so sudden that Michael stumbled back, hitting the door behind him in his hurry to get away from the darkness. He wasn't the only one, Gavin fell on his behind with a gasp, but nothing happened.

Michael pressed against the door and watched the shadow travel through the room. It looked like someone had splattered paint all over, and now it traveled in spikes over the floor, up the walls and some even reached the ceiling. There they froze, dark stripes that took most of the room in, even covering part of the window and not allowing the light to pass through. One went right over Michael's leg, quickly finding that it didn't feel like anything. Could still see it though and he wanted to step out of reach, but there was no place in here to escape.

_ "-astard." _

The voice made him jump again and while he could identify that it came from Ray's mouth, it wasn't quite his own. It also wasn't Lady Reese's and not a mixture of anything. It was echo-y, like someone on a high mountain was calling down towards them. Twisted and distorted and larger than life, but clear as day.

It didn't help that Ray was still sitting there on his lonely chair, in the middle of the splattered shadow with his head lowered like nothing unusual was happening.

"Ray?" Gavin whispered, but got no reaction.

_ "Did you see all those men coming from the woods?"  _ Ray just asked in the voice of a stranger. _ "How many were those? It looked like a small army following that bastard. How long had they already been hiding there? How did none of the guards-" _

Fuck this. Michael crossed the room in three strides and tried to ignore how his heart was pounding and the hair on the back of his neck stood on edge. This was wrong, this wasn't supposed to be possible, seeing Ray just sitting there, telling them about things that were spoken miles away was too much.

He grasped his shoulder and shook him as if to wake him up. He wasn't about to just stand there a-

Ray's head snapped up. He stared right at him out of eyes that didn't belong to him. They were dark, nearly black, but something inside was moving. Something like fog or smoke or... or shadows.

It made Michael's mouth all dry and Ray's name died on his tongue. He couldn't move, the shock too deep in his bones even when Ray returned.

The shadows retreated from up the walls and Ray's cold hand touched his wrist.

"Michael?" he asked, his voice small, but familiar, and still Michael couldn't answer. That hadn't been Ray, that had been a stranger inside of him, and he hated it. He hated it with all his heart. Ray slumped over in exhaustion; he couldn't even catch him.

Gavin did. He surged up from the floor and caught him before he could hit the ground. Michael stepped back to allow him to sit him up again.

"Ray? Are you okay?"

"Tired," he muttered.

"Alright. I'm sure we'll find a place where you can rest," Gavin told him before pulling him into a quick hug. "Thank you for trying."

Ray nodded, but pressed his eyes shut like the light around was hurting. "Is it... can we use that?"

"We can. We absolutely can, Ray."

Michael watched frost flowers growing up the glass, pale blue in the moonlight, and beautiful by nature. The day had been long and the constant chatter had left him rubbed raw. Now the silence felt nice, familiar, and he dared to relax a little.

There was a reason why Jeremy had accompanied Gavin during the day. Michael just wasn't made for this damn political crap, but well, this right here was his own fault, wasn't it? Maybe Jeremy could be here instead, maybe Gavin could've convinced him or something, but Michael hadn't given him the chance, had he?

Would Jeremy like it here? Well, who knew. It was surely better than the alternative.

"Fuck," he whispered. Tried to push the thought away. It wasn't quite working anymore, not during these long nights. Especially today. Today when he was forced to think about the castle so far away and all that he had left behind there.

He was sitting in the corridor outside of Gavin's new bedroom and he had pulled himself up into the window. From here the Guiding Star was flickering above, and he wished he couldn't see it. It wasn't needed right now.

"You're going to catch your death."

Michael turned his head to find Ray, which made sense. There were only a handful of rooms this high up in the residence and only the three of them were allowed here.

"I'm fine," he muttered, even though it had grown cold in the night hours and he could feel it in his muscles. He hadn't moved from his post all night. It was easy to think here.

Ray threw a blanket at him like he had expected to find him here and Michael barely caught it. He was a bit surprised to see Ray in his uniform. After what had happened he had fallen into a deep sleep for the rest of the day. Michael had kinda expected him to sleep through the night, but apparently not because here he was now and he didn't look well rested in the slightest.

Also usually when Ray joined him during the night he was wearing his nightgown. He would sit close by the fire while they waited for dawn to come.

Dawn would take another lifetime and until then they watched each other. There were too many unsaid things between them and Michael hated it.

"Is it needed to keep watch?" Ray asked him after a while. "I think Gavin did order guards to stay by the stairs at all times."

"Who knows if we can trust them."

"They followed Gavin's call here, leaving everything they knew behind. Isn't that enough?"

Was it? Maybe, but every time he dared to think like that, he was reminded of Jack. How Gavin had trusted him. He was reminded of Geoff, Jeremy, and so many others he had deceived.

It was about time it happened to him.

"I can take it from here if you want to rest," Ray offered, and Michael nearly scoffed.

"You look like you need it more than me. No offense."

Ray shrugged. "Don't really feel like sleeping."

"Yeah, me neither."

He wouldn't be able to, not with how his mind was racing, not when everything felt like a noose pulling tighter.

"Well then..."

Ray heaved himself up to sit on the window sill as well and shivered when he felt the cold stones. It was a tight fit and they had to tangle their legs to have enough space for both of them, but that was alright. Ray felt warm where they touched and when he reached for the blanket, Michael let him spread it over both of them. Like this, it was nearly comfortable and he leaned his head back against the window frame.

Ray opposite of him did the same, but he didn't bother to act like he was looking outside. No, he was watching him. Michael had a hard time keeping eye contact.

"Did I scare you today?" Ray asked after a while. "Did what you see disgust you?"

Michael blinked before turning towards him. "Disgust..? What-"

"I could understand it. After all, I'm dragging something with me from now on." Ray nodded towards his shadow and Michael hoped he didn't notice that he didn't even dare to glance at it. By the Gods, it had moved before, it had been in Ray's eyes.

"It's not normal, not human. Disgusting," Ray went on, his voice so flat like he was talking about the weather. That more than anything showed Michael that he had hurt him with his reaction today.

"You freaked me out," Michael said. "Of course it scared me because I never saw anything like that. But it didn't disgust me."

Ray huffed and Michael pushed further. "Do I wish it wasn't there? That there was no demon following you around or whatever? Of course, I do! But that doesn't mean..."

Mean what? He wasn't sure, everything was just so confusing and he felt empty and so full at the same time. Like he could just burst.

"Listen Michael, I can't force you to get used to it. But honestly? You better do so, because this won't change," Ray told him. "Estrelle is now a part of me. When I was in the Nether she was... She brought me out. Do you understand?"

He didn't, not really because Ray was talking about things out of this world, but then Ray was leaning ahead and put a hand on his knee, squeezing.

"Gavin said I would come out again, but it wasn't easy. It fucking wasn't easy, it was horrible and if I would've known beforehand what... what it would be like-" Ray stopped himself, shivering, and Michael's heart sank. He reached out to squeeze his hand, hoping it would comfort him.

"I had no choice, but to bring something out," Ray whispered. "There wasn't an option to just stay me. If I wanted to see any of you again, if I wanted to come back, I had to answer one of those voices. Without I couldn't-"

"Without Estrelle you wouldn't be here?" he asked and when Ray nodded, Michael dared to look down. Down to where their shadows sat on the ground, close enough to be one and just as familiar as always.

"I wish you wouldn't have had to make that choice. If you would've never died..." But who was he kidding? "That isn't what happened though, so... so I guess I have to thank her instead. Because she brought you out."

Ray made a soft noise and when Michael looked up, he found him staring at him. It was rare to see Ray vulnerable and it meant a lot to him that Ray trusted him enough to let him see this. Well, after all those years it was probably normal.

"If she is a part of you then I will accept her," Michael assured him.

Ray surged forward, pushing between his legs to get close enough and Michael barely brought his arms up to steady him. Now Ray was looming over him, warm hands pressed against his chest and illuminated by the soft moonlight. He must feel how his heart was pounding because he had thought about this, of course, he had. Ray had always been there, and at some point over the years their dynamic had shifted and there had been something more. Michael had never acted on it because it had felt good just to know and Ray had made no move either.

Now his eyes darted down to his lips and he couldn't ignore just how warm Ray felt above him.

"Would you still want me?" Ray asked him. "Because I don't want to wait anymore. Waiting is stupid because everything... everything can just be gone in the next moment."

After a cup of tea.

After a decision was made and they were in danger. Gavin had led them straight into a situation they might not get out of.

"I still want you," Michael whispered, and Ray kissed him then.

His lips were soft and warm and perfect and Michael reached up. He let his hands sneak beneath the red cape to settle on Ray's shoulders and pull him in and Ray reciprocated. Pushing him down, crowding against him until their bodies were pressed together. Until all of Ray's heat bled into him and Michael kissed back, frantically like he had to catch up with all these damn years of waiting, of not taking a step, of just knowing.

Ray pulled back, breathing heavily and watched him out of lidded eyes. In the cold light, he looked eternal, like he was out of this world and Michael figured that wasn't quite wrong, but a way too deep topic to think about right now.

He tried to drag him back down, but Ray resisted, his gaze dragging over him.

"Still okay?"

Michael groaned because his head had finally stopped spinning and he didn't want to waste time formulating any words, no matter how sweet Ray's intentions were.

"Yeah. Fuck, Ray get ba-"

With a laugh, Ray pressed his lips back against his so that Michael could taste his smile. He searched deeper, closed his eyes against the little light and any flickering star because there was only Ray. Ray who always was the first one greeting him in the morning and the last one to retire at night.

Michael surged up, pressing close enough until he could feel Ray's beating heart against his chest and his fingers in his hair. Ray made a noise at the back of his throat and Michael knew he could devour him then, could eat him whole and he pulled until-

Until their balance shifted and he began to slip. His legs were tangled in the blanket and tight around Ray's hips, so he barely managed to get one down before they slid off the windowsill. One of his hands reached for the frame and his other wrapped around Ray to keep him steady as well and it was awkward, certainly not how he expected this to go but Ray stared up to him so surprised that he couldn't help but laugh.

Fuck, who cared, at least they hadn't landed on the hard ground. With their luck, they would've woken Gavin and him finding them as a heap on the floor? No, thank you.

"Maybe this wasn't the best place," Ray giggled even though he tried to hide it by pressing his face against Michael's shoulder, only to turn it into featherlight kisses that made Michael shudder.

"You're still super cold," Ray told him with a frown and then slipped down from where he was perched with so much more grace than Michael could. He picked the blanket up and the moment Michael was back on his own feet, he wrapped it around his shoulders.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome," Ray muttered before leaning ahead to press another kiss against his lips. This one was more chaste and when Michael tried to deepen it, Ray danced away, only to pull on the ends of the blanket.

"I got a fire going. Come on and warm up."

He threw a glance towards Gavin's door before following inside Ray's room. The shift of temperature was surprising, he hadn't even noticed how cold it had been out in the hallway and now the warmth felt pleasant on his skin.

It only stayed for a moment, long enough for Ray to pull him flush against him and get on his toes to press a kiss against the column of his throat. It stayed until Michael's eyes fell on the fireplace and his blood ran cold.

Plush seats were surrounding it and he wondered if Ray had put them there as a strange mirror of home. There was even a fur in between and for a heartbeat, he saw Jeremy there. Not sitting in his favorite chair, relaxing after a hard day or something. No, he was lying next to the fur, face down. Michael pushed Ray away from him as if he could stain him.

"Wait-"

Ray instantly let him go, something surprised in his face. "Did I... was this too fast? I'm sorry."

Michael shook his head and glanced back towards the fireplace. No Jeremy, of course not and still... Ray didn't know about that, Ray had no clue and while Gavin had told him bits and pieces about the time he had been gone, he certainly hadn't mentioned that.

It wasn't fair, not with how things were developing right now.

"I have to tell you something," he blurted out which certainly wasn't something Ray wanted to hear by the looks of it. "While you were gone and Gavin and I had to continue to lie... some bad things happened in the castle."

Ray frowned and actually looked a tad annoyed. "Michael, I really don't care right now," he told him. "For once I don't want to think about all that shit, okay? Just tonight I don't want to think about different worlds, or this whole plan, or lies."

"It's about Jeremy." The name felt foreign on his tongue, bitter, like he wasn't allowed to speak it anymore.

At least it made Ray sober up, and Michael felt guilty because he had just made that easy smile from before disappear.

"I've been thinking about him as well," Ray muttered and turned towards the fireplace. He wasn't looking down at the fur though, no, he found what would be his favorite seat.

"He must feel so betrayed. When he figures it out... All those years we lied to him and-"

"He's dead."

It took Ray a moment to work through that and then he froze, staring at him in disbelief. And then- sadness, a crushing weight that settled on his shoulders because Jeremy had been his friend and now he was gone.

"He died?" he mouthed. "But how..? He was meant to be safe. Oh Gods, did they think he was part of the poisoning? Was he-"

"No," Michael interrupted him before Ray could work himself up. "That's not... what happened. He was meant to be safe, he was meant to have an alibi for everything."

"What went wrong then?"

The words got stuck in his throat then because  _ he  _ went wrong. He had just-

Ray's hand settled over his chest, a silent support, and Ray deserved better, they all did. Jeremy most of all.

"When I and Gavin prepared to run away, Jeremy was meant to be at the pub. A lot of guards there would be able to vouch for him and he should be freed from any suspicions. But right before we disappeared... he just walked in."

Ray tensed and his hand left his chest as he took a step back. Had he noticed how Michael's heart was beating hard enough that he feared it would break straight through his ribcage?

"Gavin tried to talk to him, to get him to follow us, but Jeremy refused."

"Michael." It was a warning, one last chance to keep that secret to himself, but they both knew he was in too deep already.

"I killed him," he said, and while Ray had certainly expected something like that, a full body shiver went through him. He took another step back, shaking his head as if he could just deny the truth.

"Don't tell me that."

"I killed him from behind, like a coward," Michael continued because he had to get it out. "A single strike to his throat. It was over in mom-"

"Stop!"

Ray didn't even look at him anymore. He had a hand pressed against his mouth like he was growing sick and while Michael's shoulder sank, he nearly relished in it. That was the least he deserved.

Ray shook his head again, but it still didn't help, and Michael waited for a few agonizing minutes while he collected himself.

"You could've just- I don't know, tied him up? Knock him out? If he didn't want to cooperate... surely, he wouldn't have tried to stop you?"

"If we would've left him there, Geoff would've found him come morning and he would know that there were no intruders. It would've messed up all of our plans," he explained, only to add, "Also Gavin had admitted to poisoning Geoff."

Ray wrapped his arms around himself and now there was a distance between them that hadn't been there before.

"Then you should've brought him with you! Forced him if needed! Everything is better than being dead!"

"We didn't have the resources to take him with us! Also, do you think we could've pulled a struggling Jeremy through the castle in the middle of the night? That Jeremy wouldn't fight tooth and nail to alert someone?"

"I don't know, Michael but-"

"It was unfortunate," he said, because that's what Gavin had called it. A misstep, something that had just happened. Bad luck.

_ "Unfortunate!" _

And with Ray raising his voice, he instantly felt chastised for even thinking that way.

"You can't call it unfortunate, Michael! Did you say that to Jeremy as well when you struck him down? ‘Tough Luck, Lil J? Should've known better?’"

"I wanted to get you!" Michael pleaded because back then, that was the only thing in his mind. "Jeremy was trying to stop us from leaving and I had been waiting for so damn long! I missed you and just the thought that you'd wake up at the portal without-"

"Are you blaming  _ me?" _ Ray snapped at him, something disbelieving in his voice, and that wasn't it. That wasn't what he wanted.

"No, of course not!" He reached out, wanted to comfort, but Ray slapped his hand away.

He glared at him, eyes red-rimmed and intense. Michael felt any fight leave his body.

"You do not blame me for your  _ unfortunate  _ mistakes," Ray hissed. He grasped his shoulders like he had to keep himself from shaking apart.

For a long moment, they stayed like that, several feet apart, and a new distance between them.

"Go," Ray finally whispered. "I don't want to see you anymore."

It felt like someone was squeezing his heart. "Ray-"

"I want to mourn my friend. Someone here has to."

So Michael left him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Who am I meant to pick up?"
> 
> "Alfredo Diaz."

Chapter 12

"This thing probably costs more coins than my whole village makes a year," Ray said behind him, and Gavin turned around.

Ray had just picked up the golden circlet from his bedside table and was inspecting it. In the front was the golden eye and he carelessly thumbed at it. The gem inside didn't move, only shone brighter. Once Ray put it on his hair, it would sit right above his forehead.

His new crown was a gift from one of the nobles. Lord Damien, who had come from a faraway city, and Gavin wasn't even sure if he had ever seen him before, but of course he couldn't just say that. No, the man had greeted him nearly like an old friend and if he was this generous to bring him a new crown made completely out of gold, he had to accept it.

Didn't mean he liked it. It was heavier and flashier than he liked; he figured it fit the Royal Oracle quite well though.

"Once I'm King I will use the Ramsey crown, not that thing," he told Ray. They were in his room in the early morning. Like in the good old times, Ray helped him get dressed in his layers of robes.

He had been quiet until now, and Gavin had figured he was just tired, but something about his red-rimmed eyes was unnerving him.

"Will you sell this one then?"

"I can't. It would offend Lord Damien."

Ray hummed, but made no move to put the crown down; no, he continued to watch the golden eye as if he expected it to look back at him.

"So it would just be another piece for the treasure chambers in the end. Along with more gold than I could ever imagine."

"Geoff used many funds already to strengthen the economy," Gavin told him. He didn't like how his words sounded like an accusation. "I will continue that once I'll inherit."

"You and Geoff never had to go hungry in your lives. You don't know what it's like."

Startled, Gavin fully turned around and there was a gleam in Ray's eyes that was foreign. A challenge. Rising to it would be a mistake, Jack had taught him that over and over again and so he didn't.

"But you have," he said. "With you by my side, I can see things differently. You are already more than capable of becoming my counselor."

Ray continued to watch him before stepping forward. Gavin lowered his head, but Ray made no move to place the crown on his hair.

"Why didn't you tell me about Jeremy?"

Gavin's heart stopped. He didn't even dare to raise his head. Instead stared at the golden circlet in Ray's hands. How damn symbolic.

"I figured it would be Michael's story to tell. Sounds like he did."

"So if Michael wouldn't have, I'd have never found out?"

"We both know Michael would have eventually, but I couldn't... If I took you aside and told you, I would betray him."

"Like you betrayed Jeremy?"

Gavin closed his eyes before taking a deep breath. When he dared to look at Ray, he found his gaze intense, approaching dangerous.

"Like I betrayed Jeremy," Gavin agreed. "I never wanted Jeremy to get hurt, just like I don't want either of you to get hurt."

"You are doing a fucking bad job."

His shoulders slumped, but why deny it?

"I know."

Ray turned away from him until he stood in front of the mirror. It was a large one, even bigger than the one at home, and in the morning sun it reflected Ray's cape brightly.

"Tell me what happened. Why Michael did it."

Gavin watched his reflection before turning away. He sat down on the bed and after a moment, he shrugged the violet cloak from his shoulders. Right now he was sick of it.

"After you died, Michael was so..." He stopped himself, searching for a fitting word. There was only one, the worst one of them all, and it hurt just saying it. "He was so _lonely_ , Ray. He missed you so much, I feared he wouldn't come back from it."

"Stop blaming me for what happened," Ray said, but Gavin could see how tight his face was. 

"I'm not blaming you in the slightest, but you asked me to tell you what happened and your death is part of it."

Ray huffed, but didn't interrupt him further, so Gavin continued.

"Michael wanted to get you, that was all he wanted. If you didn’t make it out of the Nether, I was sure he would just... sit there, like one of the others at the portal."

"What a waste," Ray spat. Gavin couldn't help but agree. Picturing it hurt and he wanted it to stop hurting, but it wouldn't, not for a long time. 

Reaching down, he grasped his scarf and pulled it tighter. He always wore it nowadays, hidden beneath his robes, because it was a piece of home. When he closed his eyes, he could almost feel Geoff tugging at it, calling it a ratty old thing.

He missed Geoff. His guidance, his warmth, his unconditional love.

"I tried to spend more time with Michael, but I don't think it worked. Jeremy did the same. I noticed he stayed longer each evening to keep him company, he talked to him, he tried to comfort him. On that day, when he just came in-"

Gavin shuddered and felt Ray's eyes on him. He didn't dare to look up.

"He said he was worried. I think he was worried about Michael. I think he got a bad feeling and returned to make sure Michael was alright, and Michael-"

He twisted the ends of the scarf around his wrists and pulled until it nearly took his breath away. 

"We were finally about to go out there and get you. We were- He wanted to see you again, he didn't want you to wait at the portal. When Jeremy dared to keep him from that... he snapped. It happened so fucking fast, I'm not sure if Michael even knew what was happening."

Ray turned away, but Gavin could still see his drawn face in the mirror. This was hurting him in so many ways and Gavin wished it wouldn't. It wasn't fair to keep this from him, but after everything Ray had already sacrificed for their cause, any more pain just wasn't right.

"Michael held his hand," Gavin told him. "He made sure that Jeremy wasn't alone. He made sure that it looked like Jeremy died fighting."

Ray swallowed, but didn't answer. That left them in a strained silence because Gavin didn't know what to add to that. Sure, he could try to find excuses, but that wouldn't help in the slightest.

So he just watched as Ray raised his circlet and put it on his head instead. It looked better with his dark hair, the gold a nice contrast, or at least Gavin thought so. It also sat perfectly so it wouldn't slip off. But of course, it wouldn’t, after all, Ray had placed more crowns on his head than anyone else.

"It's heavy," Ray muttered.

"I know."

Michael entered the only parlor he knew of and was glad to find Gavin there. He had made no effort to learn the layout of the fortress yet and knew he wouldn't be able to. Directions weren't his strong suit at the best of times and right now he had too many responsibilities to worry about things like that.

He had spent the day down out on the training fields and the armory. While Gavin was sure there would be no violence coming from Geoff, Michael didn’t share his belief, and checking on their defenses was something more important than any political matter as far as he was concerned.

What he had found wasn't good and if Lady Reese were still here, he would've gladly kicked her ass.

Her family was in charge of this fortress and while it was true that they lived in peaceful times and the border this place had protected was by now far off, it was still a place for warriors to rest in a time of crisis. Storage for weapons if they were needed.

When Michael had stepped into the armory, the place had been filled with junk. Broken weapons, rusty swords nobody had ever taken care of, and spears whose shafts had been so shabby that he had been able to break them in his hands.

He had tried to salvage as many weapons as possible, but it felt like he had thrown over half of the armory away, simply because they were useless.

What a disgrace.

He was ready to just storm in and tell Gavin about the situation, but of course there was someone already inside. Some noble, who brought him gems and coins by the looks of it, like that would help them much. It was just a gesture to gain Gavin's favor, and Michael was one step away from just flipping the table, because coins wouldn't defeat anyone. 

Instead, Michael wrestled himself back under control and bowed his head in respect, before waiting for his turn.

Ray sat next to Gavin and was watching him, but Michael didn't quite dare to catch his gaze. Yesterday felt like an awful nightmare. Keeping himself busy today had at least kept his mind off. He didn't want to think about _it_ right now.

"Thank you for your gifts, but it seems duty calls," Gavin said and cut the meeting short. Maybe he was also fed up with all that talk.

"We should take the gold and immediately send someone to buy supplies," Ray said when the stranger left the parlor. "There is food here, but that won't hold too long with how many of your followers are here."

Gavin nodded. "Would you do so, Ray? Take those who you think trustworthy with you."

"Of course."

"I'll go as well," Michael threw in and tried to ignore Ray's surprised look. Maybe he didn't want him around; Michael tried not to feel hurt by that.

He failed.

"We need weapons. A lot of them."

"There should be a whole armory here."

"The armory is a joke. I sent half a dozen warriors there to take care of the weapons which might be salvageable, but it's far less than what we expected."

"For someone so proud of her name, Reese sure didn't care about her heritage," Ray spat as he leaned back in the plush seat. "We don't have many who can fight, so we have to at least arm them."

"I don't expect any conflict. Geoff will not come in here and risk killing innocent civilians," Gavin told them, but Michael shook his head.

"I think you have too much faith in him. He will put the whole residence under siege and if we don't cooperate, he will storm the place."

"He won't attack. He will listen."

Gavin sounded sure of himself. Michael got the feeling it was rather wishful thinking. Sure, he didn't know Geoff as well as Gavin did, but he didn't think Geoff would take this lying down.

In the end, it came down to a choice of what was most important to Geoff himself; the kingdom or Gavin. After Gavin had hurt him so, Michael was pretty sure where his priorities lay.

"I already damaged his reputation quite a bit with my prediction," Gavin went on. "If he comes in here and slaughters innocent believers, the Ramsey name might not recover from that. If he, however, listens to the Oracle, he will be able to pass the crown down to me and save face."

Ray glanced at him, concerned and Michael bit down on his lip. It was good that they could put their animosity aside because this was more important than their fight from yesterday. This worried him, and thankfully it worried Ray as well.

If Gavin was wrong they would end up as sitting ducks, Geoff's army would simply overrun them. All that would remain of them was a mention in history books, if at all.

"However I trust your judgment," Gavin added. Had he noticed their hesitation? Their doubt? "Ray, we have enough funds for food and weapons. We should stock up with both things while we still have the time, but Michael? I need you to go back to the castle."

"You need me to do _what?"_

"We need one more ally at our side. If you are worried about our defenses, he will be able to help immensely. Ray? Is Estrelle still in Lady Reese's shadow?"

"Oh. No, she was back when I woke up. I figured it was because Lady Reese got too far away," Ray explained.

"That's too bad. I hoped you could watch over Michael on his journey, but I guess the distance would be too great."

Oh thank Gods that wouldn't happen! 

Michael had to shake himself when he thought about Ray's demon slipping into his shadow. He was ready to accept her if she managed to bring Ray back, but to imagine Ray hearing everything he said? And who knew what else, maybe she could read his very thoughts or memories! Private things he had no desire to share.. He would take them to his grave if he had to and even if Ray would be the one most likely to share them with, certainly not now. Not when Ray had thrown him out last night, too disgusted with what he had done to even look him in the eyes.

No, he rather went on this journey all on his own.

"Who am I meant to pick up?"

"Alfredo Diaz."

It took a moment for the name to make sense in his head, but when he connected it to a face, he froze. 

No.

"Jeremy's friend?" Ray blurted out and threw a panicked look towards Michael. It was nearly comforting to see him still care, but he barely registered the gesture, not when he was starting to shake.

Alfredo. They had only met a handful of times. Michael wasn't sure if they ever properly talked. They just both knew Jeremy. In the rare instances Michael visited the pub and saw him, it was barely more than a nod of recognition.

During the few times they all went out, Jeremy didn't bring him over, partly because he was a stranger and partly to protect Gavin's identity, but still, if Michael stepped in front of Alfredo, he would for sure recognize him.

Did he know that Jeremy was dead? Surely there were more than enough rumors floating around and if Alfredo was as good as Jeremy said, he had already picked up on them.

Did he know the truth?

"You can't send Michael out to talk to him," Ray protested. "I'll do it. I can go for you if you think it necessary!"

"I'd prefer you close by, Ray. Estrelle could become useful and we don't know when Geoff will appear here." 

Michael could barely hear Gavin through the shock. "I talked with the head maid today and she told me about some exits we can use to move unseen. I'll take it you could sneak inside even through Geoff's siege, right? If it's just two people?"

"In the cover of darkness it's possible, but Gav-" he trailed off and Gavin waited for him to protest, to refuse, but Michael couldn't. Gavin was the Crown Prince, Gavin was royalty and his words were his new law. The pecking order had been drilled into Michael's mind from a young age and still... Gavin was his friend first and foremost. Maybe he would allow him this, maybe he would send someone else, but Michael couldn't get the words out.

"You won't have to explain a thing," Gavin promised him. "I will write a letter to Alfredo that will get him to follow you. He’ll know it's real because he knows you are one of my closest friends."

"You remember him from _before_ , right?" Ray asked. "Who was he?"

"One of Jack's spies, and later, after Geoff fell sick, he became a valuable companion to me. He carries a diamond sword and knows how to use it. He will be a talented ally in case there’s a fight, like you two think will happen."

"What if he knows about Jeremy?" Michael asked. His tongue felt numb and too big for his mouth.

Gavin watched him out of those old eyes he sometimes had, like he had seen millennia and who knew, maybe that was kinda true.

"I talked with many, many people from the castle today. Knights, guards, commoners, and a handful of nobles. Geoff told everyone there had been intruders, that's the official story. If Alfredo’s heard any rumors, it would be the one I spread myself. That Geoff wanted the Royal Oracle gone."

"So Alfredo might think it was the King's men who killed Jeremy, which would win him to our side," Ray muttered. While all of that sounded so easy, Michael still couldn't move.

What if that wasn't the case? What if Alfredo had somehow picked up on what had really happened? What if the moment their eyes met, Alfredo drew his sword and attacked?

Michael wasn't even sure if he would defend himself. If he had the right to. 

Gavin was still watching him, Ray as well. Just like always, and just like always he found himself nodding.

"I'll do it."

The letter laid on the desk. It stood right in front of the window, so one could work in the sunshine and that's exactly where Michael sat.

The room Gavin had provided him with was bigger than the one in the castle, with an amazing view over the area. Michael had already sat here for way too long.

They didn't have too much time; surely Reese had reached the capital and King Ramsey would be on his way soon. His mission would be easier if he got back before he and his men reached this place, but he didn't think that was possible. Still, it shouldn't be that hard to sneak back inside of here, not if it was just him.

And Alfredo.

The letter would get him to follow him, that's what Gavin had assured him. He believed him. If Gavin did remember Alfredo, he could pull some shit together to make Alfredo believe in this Oracle stuff. In case there was any doubt left, the letter was sealed with the Ramsey emblem and the violet wax of the Oracle.

Was all of this worth it for just one person? A diamond sword was powerful, but this guy was just a merc, he had probably just stolen it somewhere. Who knew if he could even use it?

But that wasn't his decision to make. All he had to do was deliver the letter.

Everything was packed for the journey, he just needed that little letter. It was hard to pick up. The letter seemed to weigh more than Mogar and Michael had to force himself to take it, to get up, and grab his bag.

The decision had been made, why bother? He would stick to it like he always did and it would turn out one way or another.

Delaying the inevitable would do him no good.

He stepped out into the corridor and stopped. Ray was waiting there, leaned against the wall between two windows, and looked up.

They hadn't talked yet, and Michael didn't feel ready for it. After their fight, he felt rubbed raw, and this new mission didn't help. He honestly still expected Alfredo to just stand up and strike him down because he knew. It seemed like everyone should know, that they could just read it on his face, could smell it on him.

He was stained, the proud warrior gone, what remained was just a traitor. A murderer.

"I can't just ignore what you did to Jeremy," Ray told him, didn't even ease him in, and Michael felt small and chastised.

"I don't want you to."

Ray nodded and pushed himself from the wall to face him.

"I talked to Gavin about it. Michael, I understand why you did it. I mean, I think I do. At least as far as one can who wasn't there, but that doesn't excuse what you've done."

"I never wanted to excuse it."

"That's the only reason why I'm standing here," Ray replied. He stepped closer until sunlight washed over him and a part of Michael wanted to pull him in, to kiss him just like he did before. He wanted their easy familiarity again if only to have something to hold on to.

But Ray stayed out of reach and he looked sad as well.

"A part of me really wants to forgive you, to just push it all aside and pretend none of this ever happened," he said. "But every time I think so, I have to imagine how Jeremy must have felt. How betrayed, how shocked, and I know it wouldn't be fair. I like you, Michael. You know I do, that I have for way too long, but Jeremy was my friend."

Michael couldn't breathe. It was like a hand was wrapped around his throat, squeezing until he would just stop. Until the pressure behind his eyes would just get too much and everything would come out.

He wasn't sure if he could put himself back together if that happened.

"I don't want to lose any more friends though," Ray whispered, and Michael hadn't noticed how close he had come, close enough to touch his arm, and he feared he would burn up until nothing would be left of him.

"So come back, please? With or without this Alfredo, I don't care. You came to get me at the portal and that was one of the things I could hold on to. To see you again, to see you smile at me just like you always had after I woke up. So I will wait for you here, okay?"

Michael managed to breathe. It was a shuddering breath, too close to breaking, and it shocked Ray. Ray who stared up to him now with big eyes, Ray who had always been a bit smaller than him, faster than him, smarter than him. All Michael could do was hurt, and fight, and follow orders, but Ray had adapted, Ray was so much more than him.

Still, he had never thought about losing this, his first friend. Now the thought of it was nearly too much.

Ray’s shock melted into something softer and then into a horrible sadness that Michael recognized too well. He felt it himself, in losing something he wanted to keep so close to his heart, but maybe it was better this way.

Wasn't that a fitting punishment for what he had done? If he had taken everything from Jeremy, shouldn't the same happen to him?

Then Ray wrapped his arms around his middle and pulled him in, crushed him against his body, and Michael’s breath hitched. Before he could even think about it, he held on like his life depended on it and hid his face against Ray's shoulder.

It was shame, and relief, and a thousand things more, that made his knees weak, and if Ray let go, he wasn't sure if he could stand. But Ray didn't let go, he just held on, his face pressed against his hair, and Michael could hear his shaking breath, could hear him whisper, "I don't want to lose you. Even after all this, I want you to return to me. I want to be with you, no matter how weak that is. How after everything we have done to Jeremy, I'll betray him one more time and I hate it. I hate myself for it, but... but to lose him and you as well. I couldn't do it. I lost too much already, I want to at least have this."

Michael squeezed his eyes shut and bit down on his tongue. He was so close to giving in, to just let Ray have him, to reach for this piece of home and not let it go from his heart.

Then he thought back to Jeremy and how he had looked at him. The shock, betrayal, and pain. How could he be this selfish?

"I'll return," he promised, because that was the least he could do. "You don't have to wait for too long. I'll come back to you."

Michael had always trusted his instincts. During fights, there wasn't much time to think or to make plans. Plays and old stories always spoke of the clever soldiers who outsmarted their enemies, but that was mostly just fiction. Normal fights were over too fast and more often than not, there was a winner after a minute or two.

Long, drawn out battles were rare. Those who took the time to hesitate and think about their next step were usually defeated before they could come up with a plan. No, during a fight nothing was more helpful than reflexes and instinct, and if push came to shove, he trusted those two things more than any smart idea his brain might spit at him.

Now as he entered the city that had forcefully become his home, his instincts told him that things were off before he could hear the whispers.

There was a restlessness hanging between the buildings, an uncertainty that wasn't normal for this kingdom. Gavin had managed to disturb the peace; he had divided the people in two. Those who followed the church and the old traditions of the Ramsey name, and those who followed the Royal Oracle, their approachable, false God.

Surely there were some in between. Those who trusted Geoff who had called Gavin capable of being his heir.

Michael wasn't sure who he pitied more.

It was dark by now and the streets mostly abandoned. His journey hadn't taken long, not with only him and no one to slow him down. He had passed Geoff on the way.

The King had followed the roads that Michael had avoided. Again his instincts speaking. He had watched the King and Jack lead a troupe of men towards the residence. There were fewer warriors than he had expected, but more than enough to outnumber them if Geoff decided to. They were slower than him, but there was no way he could reach the residence before them again, so he would have to sneak in.

As far as he was concerned, that was the easier part of this journey. The hard part came now.

The pub closest to the castle was always well visited by those working there. Knights and warriors coming here after their long days. There were the occasional servants who visited, but they usually kept to themselves because of the other folks drawn to a place like this.

Mercs, who weren't bound so tightly by the rules and who gladly did some dirty work for the right coin. Often they were failed knaves or those coming from afar who had no other choice.

There were also spies. Men and women who hoped that the alcohol might just loosen some tongues of those working at the castle. Michael had encountered a handful in his time coming here. They loved to target him with pretty words and prettier faces, so impressed by how close he was to the Crown Prince, to the Royal Oracle.

Jeremy must have had similar problems, but they had never talked about it. Not needed when they both knew that they wouldn't tell, not a single word.

How funny.

Gavin's letter felt heavy in his pocket while he stood in front of the door. Nobody had recognized him yet, but if it happened it would be in there. Until now he had just pulled his hair into a bun, it was too long from their journey anyway, and it had masked him well. Now he pulled his hood over his head just to be sure. It was a simple cloak, none of the fine clothes Gavin would usually provide him with, but it was enough against the cold. Enough to mask his face.

When he stepped in, the heat and the noises crashed over him. After traveling alone for some time it was like stepping into another world and he stopped to look around. A haunted part of him had expected everyone to turn around, that someone would instantly point and call him a traitor. A murderer.

It didn't happen, nobody even paid attention and Michael forced himself to relax.

Alfredo wasn't there. All the times he had seen him, he had been sitting at the bar, not even to drink, but everyone knew that's where you asked for a merc, that's where you lamented about your troubles. Where one met a stranger who might just be able to help, for the right amount of coins of course.

Tonight Alfredo didn't sit at the bar and Michael almost started to laugh. Of all the thoughts and nightmares he had about this meeting, he had never considered that Alfredo simply wouldn't be there. What the fuck.

He was just about to ponder if he should wait and for how long. Days? Wouldn't Gavin and Ray start to worry?

But then he found Alfredo.

He was sitting at a lonely table at the back of the pub where nobody would bother him. He looked brooding and dark, like someone you wouldn't want to approach. There was a mead in front of him and Michael had never seen that. As far as he knew Alfredo only came here for work, not to get drunk.

Taking a deep breath, he made his way through the crowd. If Alfredo noticed him, he didn't show it, and even when Michael stopped in front of his table he didn't look up. No, his gaze was far away like he was thinking hard about something, but Michael noticed the sword leaning against his chair. It was of course in its sheath, but Gavin had said it was a diamond blade just like his own. The sharpest and most durable weapons the kingdom could provide.

It would be a great help if there was an upcoming battle.

Michael pulled an empty chair towards him and sat down opposite of him. No matter how deep in thought Alfredo was, he couldn't ignore such a bold move and his eyes darted to him, clearly annoyed. They were blue, not unlike Geoff's, as if Michael needed anything else to unnerve him. Sitting here with Geoff would be the only thing worse.

"Fuck o-" The threat trailed off when Alfredo's eyes widened. The pub was dimly lit at the best of times, but he still had to recognize him. Michael gave him a moment, wondered if Alfredo would draw his sword now, but he didn't. No, he just searched for something, like he expected Michael to have company.

There was no one else and Michael nodded towards his tankard.

"Are you drunk?"

"That's what you do when you want to shut your head up, isn't it?" Alfredo asked him. "But no. I was never fond of the taste."

"Good." Reaching into his pockets, he pulled the letter out but didn't hand it over yet. "You know who I am?"

"Of course. On the day _he_ died, you disappeared. You and someone else."

No names. Good, Alfredo certainly knew how many ears could be listening in.

"This someone is interested in your assistance."

Alfredo rose one brow at him. "Just because I was friends with J doesn't mean I believe in any Gods. False, real, or those who claim to hear their voices."

Thankfully it wasn't Michael's job to change his opinion, and if Alfredo decided against following, he wouldn't force him. This right here was all Gavin. So Michael wordlessly handed over the letter.

Alfredo took it and let his fingers travel over the seal. When he broke it, it was with the utmost care, Throwing Michael a nearly challenging look; like he wanted to mock him for believing the written word could shake up his beliefs.

From the way the color drained from his face, Alfredo was in for a surprise.

Michale hadn't bothered reading the letter or asking Gavin about the contents, but it seemed to hit the mark.

Folding his hands, he waited. It took some time while Alfredo worked through whatever he had read and then some more as he tried to find excuses. An explanation that was rational, something that didn't add up to 'this person can see the future'. Michael had the answer he was looking for, but kept it to himself.

Alfredo folded the letter again, pondered some more before slipping it into his own pocket.

"Fine then. Bring me to him."

"You're Michael, right?"

Michael pressed his lips together and went on. Marching through the night, neither of them had spoken and he had preferred that. He had no fucking clue what he and Alfredo should talk about because the thing that connected them was something he would love to avoid.

As far as he was concerned they didn't have to exchange a single word until they reached the residence, but that was wishful thinking at best.

"Jeremy told me a lot of what kind of mischief you four would get up to."

"He shouldn't have."

He felt Alfredo staring at him, but didn't turn around. Even after leaving the city, he still had his hood up just to avoid eye contact. Alfredo had to know that this late at night nobody would recognize him.

"I know that you were also there when he died."

Michael exhaled. At that moment he was hyper aware of his surroundings, the chill air around, the soft moonlight, and Alfredo right behind him. He could pull his sword before Alfredo, he was pretty confident about that, but he made no move to do so.

"Was he in pain?"

"No." He wanted to leave it at that, to fall back into silence, but he couldn't. Not when he could feel Alfredo mourn, not when he just wanted to know. "It went by fast, a single strike from behind. I don't think Jeremy knew what was happening before... it was too late."

Michael had pushed the image aside, Jeremy's hand in his, the surprise on his face. Not pain though. No, Jeremy had just been so confused. The memory left a hollow hole in his chest.

"Sounds like the work of a coward," Alfredo spat, and Michael wanted to laugh.

"It was."

"I heard rumors about the Oracle."

By the Gods, did this guy never shut up? Jeremy had never mentioned that Alfredo was chatty. He probably just had questions which was normal, but Michael really wasn't in the mood.

"I'm sure there are a ton of rumors out there about the Oracle."

"He predicted that one of his most devoted would come back from the dead just like he had."

Michael's heart sank as he understood where Alfredo was going. The hope that he was clinging onto and it would hurt to take it from him, but to imagine...

To imagine Jeremy returning, that Jeremy might stand in front of him again and-

The thought took his breath away and turned his stomach. He didn't want to even consider the possibility.

"Ray returned. Not Jeremy." And then, because he couldn't be so cruel, he added, "Sorry."

Alfredo stayed silent, long enough that Michael could compose himself again, that he hoped they were through with any kind of talk, but no such luck.

"Do you... know why Jeremy returned that evening?"

That was the fucking question, wasn't it? After everything that had happened, Michael hadn't thought much about that anymore because who cared? Finding the reason wouldn't change a damn thing. For all he knew Jeremy had just forgotten something, that stupid emblem he always carried around or his wallet.

Fuck, it couldn't have been that important! If Jeremy had just waited, if he hadn't returned for a stupid, trivial reason- He would've come in the morning anyway! What couldn't wait those few hours?

He shook his head and Alfredo fell silent. It was such a loaded one that Michael wanted to scream, to draw his blade and destroy something, to throw himself on the ground and never move again.

It was loaded enough that he stopped and turned.

"What?" he asked Alfredo, because if he knew something he should just get it out there, Michael honestly didn't care.

"Nothing," Alfredo just replied, and Michael couldn't help but huff.

This was going to be a long trip.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Gavin!"
> 
> He stopped on the spot. No matter how much the others pulled or cajoled. 
> 
> Geoff. 
> 
> Geoff leaping from his horse, his eyes only on him, and Gavin... Gavin's heart stopped.

Chapter 13

Gavin knew about the sheer endless hallways beneath the castle. A labyrinth to keep safe what was most dear. Treasures, weapons, and supplies, a place where not even sunlight reached.

Geoff had always warned him not to play down there, because it was easy to get lost and he wouldn't be the first unfortunate soul who would get found days later, nearly insane from dark corners and the everlasting noises.

Gavin had no use for a place like that, not when he had a massive garden to play in, so the few times he had visited the catacombs of the castle, it was while holding on to Geoff's hand.

It was a surprise to find something like that beneath the fortress as well. Ray held a torch high, the light barely reaching the top of the rounded ceiling, let alone the far away corners. Gavin knew he couldn't show any weakness, not when they were around a group of his followers, but whenever Ray's shoulder brushed against his, he felt a little better. Neither of them liked this place; the air was too damp and there was the constant sound of animals flitting around.

They followed close behind the head of the guard, through the narrow hallways leading into a wall of shadows and into this terrible cavernous space. It seemed endless when the light of the torches couldn't find anything besides the ground right in front of them.

They were in the casemates; to think that this was a place they were supposed to hide in should there be an attack gave him the creeps. It would easily fit them all, yet to sit down here with barely any light sounded like a nightmare.

They entered another long hallway and Gavin had to fight not to throw a look over his shoulder. It felt like they left something behind in that huge space, something that had walked with them for a while. Just to watch.

But there were warriors and two noblemen behind him, so he kept his gaze in front of him. It was just his childhood stories talking.

"Here we are," the head of guards said and Gavin snapped back to attention.

"Thank you, William."

There was a wooden door in front of them and when William pushed the heavy latch aside, blessed daylight fell in. They stepped out, Gavin looked up to the high walls of the fortress. Now they were outside and Ray stepped the torch out before turning towards him.

"We should position guards inside. I trust Michael to find this entrance, but the rest of the way is long and winding."

Michael who wasn't the best with directions at their castle, let alone somewhere like this.

"William, could you arrange that?" he asked the head of guards, who quickly bowed. He didn't seem to have any doubts about working for him once he had sent Lady Reese away. All in all barely anyone of her household had left even when Gavin had offered so.

It seemed Lady Reese was as popular here as she had been at the castle.

"Afterwards lock any possible entrance up. Knowing Lord Pattilo he will try to send one of his spies in."

"There are some places we can't lock up, Your Highness."

"You mentioned before. Please show me."

The areas for disposal, of course. Granted there was nothing much they could do about that and Gavin couldn't quite imagine Geoff marching through all that filth.

"This area is easy to overlook from the wall," Ray mentioned. "If the men up there are attentive, they should see anyone who might approach this area."

"It will be hard to observe this area during the night, but a large force will make enough noise to hear them coming," William agreed. "We could send guards here, but I have to be frank, Royal Oracle, we don't have many men to spare."

Gavin was well aware. Ray had managed to gather some weapons from a nearby village, but it still wasn't enough. What a predicament.

"I rather have men up on the wall then down here."

"Very well."

They moved to get back inside the fortress. Thankfully through the gates this time and not back down through the dark belly of this place. Everyone seemed happier about that.

Ray was by his side, looking up the steep walls with a frown. The sun reflected on the shields of the man above and Gavin huffed. It was hot under his cloak and his new crown sat so heavily on his head that he feared he would soon get dents.

He couldn't wait to get inside.

"Where is Lord Reese?" Ray muttered suddenly.

"What?"

"Didn't Lady Reese visit this place to take care of her sick husband? Isn't that why she comes here every few weeks?" Ray asked him. "If so, where is he? She didn't take him with her and I haven't seen him around?"

Gavin nearly stumbled over his own two feet. That was an excellent question because he hadn't seen him either.

Fuck, they didn't have a sick man somewhere in there that they had ignored had they? But no, he had ordered this whole place to be searched.

"Lord Reese died nearly a decade ago," William informed them. "He had been sick before but he has since then passed away."

"So Reese lied to get away from the castle? That bitch!"

William gave a startled laugh and Gavin figured that wasn't a very royal thing to say, but seriously?

"Are you surprised?" Ray asked him, and Gavin shook his head.

"I'm not, but honestly? The nerve of that woman!"

They took a walk around the residence while the sun set, checking on their defenses, though as far as Gavin could tell, everything looked fine. Apparently, Reese had done shit all to preserve the armory, but the outer walls looked intact. 

He watched the shadow of the residence grow longer until it reached the forest surrounding them. As they were closing in on the front gate, someone from above called.

It was hard to understand over the distance and when Gavin craned his head to look up, the circlet dared to slip off. William seemed to understand though.

"A group of men on horses about a mile away."

"Could be Geoff's men," Ray said and put a hand on the small of Gavin's back. "We should head inside just in case."

There was a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, but Gavin nodded.

"They reacted fast," he said, letting himself be guided towards the gates. "Lady Reese must have hurried to get to the castle."

"Even if so, Geoff didn't have time to call in his whole army," Ray told him. "Let's get up on the wall and see how many men he brought."

"Your Highness!" Someone grasped his arm, one of the warriors, and Gavin couldn't help but be surprised at being touched. All his life most people hadn't dared, first because they feared he would bring misfortune and then because he was wearing a crown. Those who had reached out though, they had usually wanted to harm him.

Now though, he could hear the approaching horse as well and before he could turn around, he was pulled forward.

"Gavin!"

He stopped on the spot. No matter how much the others pulled or cajoled. 

Geoff. 

Geoff leaping from his horse, his eyes only on him, and Gavin... Gavin's heart stopped.

He knew he would have to face him eventually, that it was inevitable, and often he had imagined it. A Geoff who was confused, hurt, and angry. An angry Geoff had always scared him because he wasn't good with people yelling at him, least of all Geoff, who he wanted so much to make proud. It would all be worth it, as long as Geoff was alive because that was the most important part, the thing that mattered.

But the Geoff right there, the one taking a step towards him now, the one who stood out there all alone - no Jack, no guards, nobody but himself - he was none of those things.

He looked concerned at him, relieved. Like a huge burden had fallen from him.

The warrior from before pulled harder, making him stumble, and then Williams pushed in front of him.

"No." Because now he couldn't see Geoff anymore and he had to make sure he was alright, that he wasn't hurt. He had to know if they were still-

He could hear Geoff call his name and he tore his arm free, pushing against the wall of bodies that had gathered around him and now there was panic. Panic because it reminded him of dropping out of the portal, of all those people wanting him for themselves.

People who wanted to keep him from Geoff and he couldn't let that happen, couldn't let-

Ray wrapped an arm around him, pushing unwanted hands away and then shouldered past William. He didn't even say a thing, just shielded him from everything until he was free, until there was nothing between him and Geoff. Gavin began to run towards him.

"Geoff!"

He crashed into him, letting his hands dart up his arms to make sure he was still in one piece and Geoff as well, pushing his cloak aside, the hood, and Gavin could barely take the look in Geoff's eyes.

The desperation, the raw relief. Love.

That was still there, after everything; it hurt. It shouldn't, something so simple and honest shouldn't hurt, but it always did.

"By the Gods, you're alright," Geoff whispered, and Gavin could barely take it. He buried his face in Geoff's shoulder and even after being on the road, Geoff still smelled like the scents he used, like freshly washed sheets and paper. Hidden away by Geoff's cloak, he feared his heart would burst.

Like this, with Geoff all around him and kisses pressed against his hair, his forehead, everywhere, nobody could harm him. No mean looks or sharp words, nobody would dare to raise their sword against him.

In their own little world, they were safe and he could lay in front of the fire, just blissfully listening to Geoff's stories.

"Geoff. I'm sorry." Because he was. He truly was and he wished things were different and maybe- maybe if he could just give all of this up. Let it all just fall apart and hide in Geoff's embrace, it would be fine. Who cared about the cycle? The next him could take care of it, could fix this.

He was tired of this game.

"Gods, I'm so sorry-"

Geoff shushed him and Gavin knew that it would be fine. That if he came clean now, things would still be good. Geoff would forgive him.

Then he noticed the sword. His gaze landed on it the moment he opened his eyes and it turned his stomach. Of course, Geoff came armed, he would be a fool not to, but next to his usual sword was another one and Gavin recognized it.

It was the same one which had taken his head before. To think that Geoff was carrying it now made all color drain from his face.

"There are people approaching." That was Ray, and Gavin hadn't even noticed him approaching. Now he lifted his head and his eyes fell on Jack. Not on the men charging from the surrounding woods or anything else, just Jack and this sword, and it felt like someone was choking him.

"It's just Jack," Geoff told him, but Gavin shook his head. He tried to retreat, but Geoff was holding on tightly and now outside of his cloak, outside of their little world he was vulnerable again.

"I have to go!"

"What? We have to talk first!" Geoff pleaded, pulling, trying to get him closer and Gavin wanted to stay. Not with Jack around, not when this cursed sword was back.

"So many things have happened, Gav! What happened that night? What were you doing in Rhyst? Why are you-"

Shit, Geoff knew about Rhyst. Of course, that had been a possibility but it didn't help his panic. Pulling his hood over his head, he felt Ray in his back and that was at least something.

"It‘s dangerous, Geoff. Later. We‘ll talk later, but we can‘t- Not like this!"

"What do you mean?"

He couldn't explain. Not with how close Jack came now, and reaching up, he squeezed Geoff's hand before pushing it from him.

He had to get away.

When he turned around Ray was right there, shielding him. His hand was urging him along and for whatever reason, he held the golden circlet in his hand. Gavin hadn't even realized he had lost it.

"Keep it together," Ray hissed, and when Gavin looked up everyone was staring at him.

As a child that had always terrified him but now it helped him to put on his mask, to walk straighter. That hadn't been good, he shouldn't show weakness, least of all in front of his followers, but Geoff had surprised him. Geoff had just waltz in here and Gavin had missed him so.

Even with two lifetimes, he could barely remember a time when Geoff hadn't been around. It felt wrong. Gavin had to fight down the urge to turn around and run back to Geoff.

The sword helped. The sword, and Jack, and the last time he had seen both of those together in one place, he had lost his head.

Not this time, not when he was nearly through with all of this.

"Your Highness?" William asked, and Gavin took a deep breath.

"Close the gate," he ordered. "And any other entrance beside the one we talked about. Keep a close eye out though."

Ray's hand was insistent, pulling him away from the prying eyes, and Gavin let him. It felt like his mask was sitting right, but this meeting had rattled him. He had to think.

When he finally sat down in the parlor he buried his head in his hands and breathed.

So, Geoff was here now. Of course, that made sense. He must have hurried to get here this fast, so he probably didn't have a whole army with him. The men up on the wall could tell him how many warriors he brought, but there was a possibility of more to come.

"Gavin."

"All the supplies you ordered are here, right? We have food because Geoff will for sure put us under siege. The weapons though-"

"Gavin."

He looked up because Ray's voice sounded urgent. He was pale and that made Gavin's mind race. Had he overlooked something? He had put so much attention on Geoff that maybe there was something else-

"What?"

"I put Estelle in Geoff's shadow," Ray told him. "I don't know- was that good?"

Gavin opened his mouth, but then didn't know what to say. The number of possibilities stretched in front of him. Yet the only thing he could feel was guilt. Spying on Geoff? That should be beneath him. How could he look Geoff in the eyes if he broke his trust in such a disgusting way?

On the other hand, the opportunity was there now. Could he risk not taking it? So many people depended on him.

Ray was still watching him, just as conflicted as him and that gave him the last push.

"That's good. We can use that."

Estrelle's shadows stretched over the whole room like brush strokes. It blocked out the Guiding Star that was flickering above them.

Ray himself was sitting in his seat, his head tilted slightly as he listened. In the little light they had, Gavin couldn't see his hazy eyes.

"The messenger reached them now," Ray told him.

Anna. A farmer who had gladly taken the chance to do something for the Oracle. Gavin had recognized her when she had stepped forward, a familiar face that would lurk in the back of the hall whenever he would meet with his followers.

He had been reluctant to send one of the warriors as a messenger. So he sent Anna. She was just a simple woman and unarmed. Geoff wouldn't see her as a threat.

"Jack does not agree with the place of the meeting," Ray continued. "He fears it's just an ambush."

Of course he would. This time Gavin couldn't even fault Jack for not trusting him, but harming Geoff was the last thing he wanted to do. He would remind all his followers of that before the meeting.

Geoff would agree anyway.

As if on cue, the distorted voice left Ray's mouth. A scratchy, bad echo of Geoff's own.

_"If Gavin gives his word to assure my safety, then I'll be there. Tell him that I want to avoid any unneeded bloodshed."_

That's what he had been hoping for, and with the agreement, he relaxed. Now he just had to plan for the coming morning and that would hurt like a bitch. Working behind Geoff's back was bad enough, but this would be the first time he would look him in the eyes and hurt him.

_"If Gavin wants your place on the throne it just needs one damn arrow, Geoff! Fuck, you basically presented yourself for their archers!"_

That was Jack's voice coming from Ray's mouth and Gavin made a mental note to make sure there were no archers anywhere.

_"We have Gavin's word."_

Oh, Geoff. Did he still believe in him or was he just playing it up? Gavin didn't know who else was in the room right now, he only knew about Geoff and Jack. Ray could only listen and not see so there might be court members lurking around.

People they had to save face for.

But there had been no ill will coming from Geoff today.

_"Take whatever precautions you think are necessary."_

Geoff, giving in to Jack's worries. Reasonable. He wasn't in any danger, but of course they didn't know that; and even if Gavin outright told them, they wouldn't believe him.

This now freaked him out a little. What kind of precautions?

Ray shook himself and the shadows fell from the walls. When he started to slip, Gavin caught his arm and held him upright.

His gift still took a lot out of him. He had only been able to snatch up bits and pieces of Geoff's conversations in the past hours. To focus they were up in Gavin's room where nobody could disturb them. Gavin quickly pulled a chair closer to sit by his side.

"Okay?"

"This is giving me a hell of a headache," Ray muttered. He reached up to rub his temples while looking to him..

"What are you going to do?"

Jack would be there. Of course, he had known that beforehand, but he hadn't thought about the sword. Why had Geoff brought it? Gavin hadn't even seen it in all those years spent at the castle a second time, but now it was here. He hadn't expected his own reaction to it to be so intense, but whenever he thought back to it, he could feel himself break into a cold sweat.

"I can't refuse to meet him," he muttered. "But maybe if I... if I stay in here?"

He knew that Ray would pull a face before he did.

"Geoff won't like that. It's disrespectful."

It was. It would be a horrible, horrible slap in his face. While he knew that, he knew all of that, he still tried to justify it.

"I mean, we want to undermine his authority, don't we?"

Ray sighed. Gavin hated seeing him disappointed in him, but to step in front of Geoff, and the sword, and Jack-

Gods, sometimes he wished he was more like Michael or Ray. Jeremy. Sometimes he wished he was brave.

* * *

The next day dawned beautifully. Gavin watched it from the safety of his room and wanted to throw up. Michael hadn't returned last night. It was still a bit too early to expect him back, yet Gavin had hoped. He figured with Michael at his side, he would feel braver.

"The men reported movement from the woods," Ray told him when he stepped in. With a sigh, Gavin got up. His robe felt especially heavy today, dragging down on his shoulders and he forced it to stop, forced himself to stand high because this was his fault. Everything that had led up to this had been him.

He decided to trust his dreams.

He decided to move against Geoff, and while he hadn't raised the blade against Jeremy, he was too well aware that it was his own doing that had led to his death. Ray's as well.

Disappointing Geoff today? What was that against everything else he'd done? Against all the betrayal that was already staining his fingers?

Ray threw him a look, but Gavin knew it himself. He wasn't in the right mindset for this, he was far from the confident Oracle the people expected.

Fuck.

Many people were watching him as he climbed the steps up to the wall and it was intimidating. He knew how many people were in this residence with him, had kept track of whoever had walked through the gates, the names of those who had followed him, and those who had left to spread his lies further in the kingdom.

Seeing them all in one place was different, all their eyes resting on him and for once there was no disgust, no cruel amusement. They were counting on him, they believed in the golden eye and all those lies. Right now their future depended on him.

From high nobles to servants and beggars, when he reached the top of the wall, they stepped aside to let him pass through. And oh how funny. Some of the knights around him had gladly tripped him up as a child, but now they bowed their heads.

Seriously, it was hilarious. Gavin could nearly laugh.

When he stopped and turned towards Geoff so far beneath him, he couldn't make out his expression. The sun was reflecting off of his crown, a glare so bright that it burned up his insides. He counted it as a small blessing because as he got used to it, there was a clear disappointment in Geoff's blue eyes. The thought that he would hurt him seemed like a farfetched nightmare, yet here he was. He had to remind himself that he was carrying the sword, that Jack was right next to him with a heavy shield, expecting an ambush. And surely they had prepared for that; they might even snatch him away if he were down there!

After all, he couldn't fight back, not with how strong Jack was. And Ray couldn't fight all three of them off!

And with Gavin still watching, the third person lowered their shield a little.

_Jeremy._

Whatever composure Gavin had gathered in the past few minutes, whatever mask he had decided to wear - it all went out the window because Jeremy was there. Jeremy was down there, alive. Gavin's knees buckled beneath him. He leaned against the wall and felt all the color drain from his face. Of all the horrible things he had imagined today, of all the nightmares he had-

He had never expected to see Jeremy again. Jeremy who was looking right at him, Jeremy who knew all the betrayal and the pain he had caused him, who had walked through hell just to stand before him now.

The Ramsey crest still on his chest as a clear symbol of which side he chose.

Behind him, Ray gasped, so Gavin knew this was real. That this wasn't just old ghosts coming to haunt him, no, Jeremy had returned.

"Gavin!" Ray hissed his name, it pulled him back into the now. He couldn't focus on Jeremy right now, not when he was standing up here. He had already revealed too much. He could see so in the way Geoff was looking at him.

"King Ramsey," he called. Desperately trying to scramble his speech together. He had spent most of the night awake with Ray, trying to decide on what to say. He just hadn't expected this punch.

"Thank you for following my invitation to see-"

"This isn‘t what we agreed on," Geoff interrupted him. "You offered to talk, so come down here and talk."

"We can talk just fine like this."

"I‘m not going to scream all day to discuss this situation, Gavin. Move your ass down here or I‘ll see this as a violation of our agreed meeting and leave."

Disrespect. He hadn't expected Geoff to disrespect him, not in front of all his followers and a childish part of him wanted to disrespect him as well for that. But he had been taught better, right? Geoff was trying to get under his skin.

"It's not safe." It hurt to admit that because it was just another way of saying that he was scared. Even up here surrounded by people who had given up everything to be with him, he was nothing more than a coward.

Geoff's face softened, the glare gone. "I trusted you to keep me safe when I agreed on this place for our meeting. So trust me to assure your safety as well."

He trusted Geoff, that wasn't the issue. The issue was the sword and Jack. The issue was that just the thought of standing in front of Jeremy again made his heart beat too fast.

He was a coward through and through, and the moment he couldn't hide in the shadows anymore, he would become too aware of his own failures.

"I can't do that."

"Then I consider this meeting over."

Geoff turned and walked away. Just like that, as if this was just a small issue not worth his time.

Gavin was so startled that he took a step forward. Pressed his hands against the wall like that was the only thing separating them, like he could just jump down there and catch up to Geoff.

The sudden movement was a mistake because Jack and Jeremy both raised their shields and his followers began to move restlessly. They were expecting an attack, an order and that was wrong.

Everything was fucked up. He had lost the last bit of control when he had seen Jeremy. Geoff had known it. Geoff knew him too well, had played him in his own game. He had placed his queen and his rook in a way Gavin hadn't anticipated and everything fell apart in front of him.

He hadn't even said what he wanted to say, this meeting had left him with nothing! He had to at least try and salvage it. He had to get Geoff where it hurt as well.

"Geoff!" he cried out, and was surprised by how desperate his voice sounded.

Geoff did stop though, waiting, but not turning around.

"I saw the future of this kingdom. It will fall to ruin by your hands!"

Lies. That's all he did nowadays.

"Put down your crown if you want to avoid this future! Do what is best for our kingdom!"

Geoff made to turn around and an ugly feeling of victory started to bloom in his chest. If Geoff lost his composure at least he would have won something.

Jeremy snatched Geoff's arm and instead of looking at him, Geoff looked at Jeremy. He took a breath and Gavin could see his shoulders relax, rendering him speechless by Geoff's restraint.

When he finally turned towards him, he wasn't faced with hurt or disappointment as he had tried to instigate. No, this was Geoffrey Ramsey, the rightful King of this land.

"Send another messenger if you are interested in an actual meeting, Gavin. If not then don‘t bother."

He had lost.

"It sounds like Geoff has men around the area of the portal. He is calling them back to put this fortress under siege."

Ray's shadows were hanging over his boots and crawling up the chair Gavin was sitting in. It took everything in him not to try and shake them off.

"That will at least take them another day. It should be easy for Michael and Alfredo to return."

"They should return tonight if they weren't held up," Gavin agreed. He ran a hand through his hair and watched the shadows recede. Ray slumped in his seat next to him and let his head hang while he tried to catch his breath. It sounded like he had run a mile and there was a tremor going through his limbs.

Getting up, Gavin began to prepare tea for both of them. He was rather in the mood for something stronger, but Ray didn't enjoy the taste. It was also a very stupid idea.

"Today was a disaster."

Ray hummed in agreement. "You disrespected Geoff and he threw it right back. That won't work."

And while that had hurt, it wasn't the worst. Jeremy had been there. Gavin could still feel the shock in his bones. It just made everything even more complicated.

"You have to appease Geoff, show him that you respect him. Mend what you broke today."

Ray was right, but his head was empty. He hadn't expected this reaction from Geoff, not from his Geoff who was always so kind to him. Sure, Geoff would tease him, but he had never talked to him like that.

That was his own fault though. He had expected to talk to his father, only to meet with the King.

"I need the upper hand again," he muttered. "The nobles haven't been happy with my performance recently."

Too soft, he knew that's what they whispered. An Oracle should be above emotions, but by the Gods, was he far and away from being unaffected by the whims of the heart.

"Do you think he will storm the fortress?"

"I still don't think so. There are too many of the common folk in here."

"Does he know that though?" Ray nodded his thanks when Gavin put the tea in front of him and sat back down.

"He saw my followers tonight, didn't he?"

"Let's tell him," Ray offered. "Tell him exactly who is in this fortress just to make sure. Tell them about the messengers you sent out."

"It would give me some control back, but it might anger him more. If he feels backed into a corner-"

"Then send me."

Gavin hesitated, his cup halfway raised. "You? Ray- Ray, what if he takes you? What if he harms you?"

"It's Geoff."

"Geoff knows that you poisoned him!"

That made Ray duck his head sheepishly, but he didn't back down. "Sending me would show him respect."

"No, I can't lose you. I like your idea, but someone else can deliver the message."

"Who?" Ray asked him, but before Gavin could so much as open his mouth, he continued, "Michael once he returns? Jeremy will most likely be close to Geoff. You can under no circumstances let those two meet, I don't think Michael could take it."

Fuck, he still didn't know how they should even break that news to Michael.

"This Alfredo guy? I don't even know him and I don't trust him with that. Not that he won't just fucking stab you in the back when he finds out about Jeremy."

"Alfredo can never know," Gavin told him. "I can send someone else."

"One of your pawns out there?" Ray asked with a nod towards the window. It looked out over the courtyard and if they were really quiet, they could hear the people moving around there. "Just another slap in Geoff's face. You really don't need that right now."

Gavin fell quiet. What Ray said made sense, but it came with a risk. What if Geoff just kept him there? Put some restraints on him? Let the guards escort him back to the castle and the dungeon? Or worse, what if he just ordered an execution? Ray had poisoned him after all, Ray was a traitor in the eye of the crown and the punishment was death.

"Think about it," Ray said. "The day is still young. We should rest."

"Sleep helps clear the mind," Gavin echoed Geoff's word and then sighed. "You're right. Let's sleep for a few hours."

"It's not the distance."

Gavin opened his eyes blearily to see Ray sitting on the edge of his bed. He seemed worried.

"What?"

"I thought I lost the connection to Lady Reese because she was too far away. Yet Estrelle is back again and I'm pretty sure Geoff didn't leave this area."

It took a moment until the words started to make sense in his mind. By the light coming from the window, it was late afternoon. Gavin sat up, feeling sluggish and confused.

"Your demon? She's not in Geoff's shadow anymore?"

Ray shook his head. "She was back when I woke up. She returns when I fall asleep, when I lose concentration."

His hand was cold when it wrapped around Gavin's wrist.

"Send me, Gavin. Send me so that I can slip Estrelle back into Geoff's shadow." A heartbeat of silence, and then, nearly quiet enough to be ignored: "Don't let me be useless again."

Ray had never been useless, Gavin had never seen him as such. Not when he had been weaker than both Michael and Jeremy, and not with his injury that would even keep him from carrying heavy things.

But he also knew that many had seen it differently, Ray himself included.

"Alright," he gave. However, he didn't let Ray go. No, he held on tightly to his hand, made him look at him.

"But you have to return. I want you to only go there if you have Geoff's word. I trust him and I trust you. But nobody else out there."

* * *

The night wasn't coming fast enough. Michael felt like they had been sitting between the trees for an eternity. The last sunbeams lighting up the hill between them and the fortress.

Geoff's men were patrolling, but there either weren't enough folks to cover the area or they were lazy. Since he and Alfredo had been sitting here, they had hidden only once. When steps had drawn close, but the woman hadn't even looked in their direction. Lance thrown over her shoulder, she had kicked at some rocks before disappearing again.

So it wasn't even dangerous, it was just plain boring. Michael had been on the road for too long without any real break in between. Boredom was dangerous. It could make him dull, could make him tired, and he could use none of that right now.

On top of that was Alfredo. It was easier to ignore someone when you were on the road; marching didn't require talking, but sitting next to each other for hours? It made things awkward and Michael's skin crawled.

He kept on sneaking glances at Alfredo, the sturdy clothes he was wearing, and the little he had brought with him. An old bow with a laughable amount of arrows in his quiver, some food, and a water skin.

The sword intrigued Michael, though, had since they had started walking, and finally he couldn't help himself anymore.

"Gav- The Oracle mentioned you also carried a diamond sword."

"Easy to figure out, I don't keep it a secret. Jeremy knew about it."

Michael snorted. Turned fully towards him. "Well, whatever was written in that letter must have hit a nerve to get you to follow me then."

"You don't know what your Oracle wrote?"

"I don't need to know."

Alfredo tilted his head and watched him a little too close for comfort.

"I guess not knowing is bliss at times."

Michael nearly laughed. Gods above, what would he give not knowing some things. What would he give to forget the decisions made. Not like he made them in the first place, he just had to remember to stick to them.

Alfredo reached for the sword leaned against the tree next to him and pulled it partly out of its sheet.

It was slimmer than Michael's own, lighter by the way it looked so that Alfredo could hold it in one hand. The handiwork was... not bad, but a little cruder than Michael's own. He didn't mention it. Gavin had ordered Mogar from the finest blacksmiths so that was to be expected.

What really intrigued him were the blue runes wandering down the blade. For the first time in a long, long time Michael forgot everything else. He forgot about Gavin and this other life, his fallout with Ray, and how it left him unsure about where they stood right now. The betrayal of Geoff and what his parents must think of him.

Even Jeremy, and what a relief that was! To enjoy something as simple as his interests.

"Is that an enchantment?" he blurted out, not able to contain his excitement. He leaned forward, coming closer to Alfredo than he had before and didn't even think about it.

"I'm surprised you know about that. It doesn't seem like common knowledge in your kingdom."

"I learned about it in my studies of becoming a warrior," Michael told him. "It's a sword that carries an ability in its blade. There are rumors about enchanters out there who can do it, but I never saw something born from magic!"

"Says someone who is closest to the Royal Oracle."

Michael froze, but Alfredo's voice was teasing. He pushed the sword back into its sheath, but before Michael could feel disappointed, Alfredo threw it to him.

Pulling it out again, he carefully ran his fingers over the tinted steel. The runes felt like static beneath his fingertips, something electrical that droned in his skull, and they were moving. Flowing like water and when he swiped over them they parted like fog.

"Where did you get this?" he asked, not expecting Alfredo to answer, but he did.

"I'd been traveling a lot before I settled here. There is a small community in the east called Yevetal who are specialized in all kinds of occult things," Alfredo told him. "A man there made a living with those weapons. Called himself an enchanter."

"He must have come from the portal."

"What makes you say that?"

Michael shrugged. "These runes feel like the portal, but that doesn't make sense. Gavin was the first who came from the Nether in decades. Nobody with gifts should be left alive besides him and Ray."

"Maybe there is more than one portal," Alfredo said casually. That was something Michael had never even considered.

"The world out there is big, Michael. I hardly doubt that we have seen everything there is to see, let alone understand the things we see." Alfredo reached out his hand and Michael handed the sword back.

"Have you seen a lot of things on your journey?"

"Plenty."

"I’ve never left this area, let alone the kingdom." He realized that was true. There was the small trip to Rhyst, sure, but besides roads and the capital, he hadn't really seen things. Suddenly he hungered for that, to see those wonders Alfredo had given him a taste of.

"Some would say working under an Oracle is adventure enough," Alfredo mentioned, and just like that Michael snapped back into reality. It had been nice to forget for a few minutes, to get rid of the weight on his shoulders, but now he turned around and faced the fortress again.

"The shadows have grown longer."

"The year is still young and it turns to night quickly," Alfredo agreed and got up to stretch his limbs. "We should be able to move in a bit. Let's hope the gate is open."

"It will be."

Alfredo hummed. "I guess working under someone who predicts the future, there aren't many surprises like that, are there?"

Michael didn't bother to turn towards him, just shouldered Mogar.

"You'd be shocked."

They sneaked across the hill towards the fortress and nobody noticed. Not even the men on top of the wall and that was something Michael had to address later.

They reached the gate without incident and pulled it open to disappear into the darkness behind. Alfredo was right behind him, he could see his face in the lonely torch that was burning inside, and Michael was just on the way to take it and figure his way out of there, when something moved.

"Jones?"

Michael managed not to scream, but he did jump the moment the guard stepped out of the shadows. How Alfredo just crooked an eyebrow was beyond him.

"The Oracle is waiting for your return."

With trying to give him a heart attack? Michael exhaled slowly and relaxed his hand that had instinctively reached for Mogar.

"Bring me to him then."

They locked the gate, a heavy metal latch that made a satisfying noise as it snapped shut. One less entry point for everyone else.

The way back was longer than he had anticipated, a lot more convoluted as well. Now glad for the guard leading them out. It would've taken him way too long. He didn't really want to get lost down here with Alfredo breathing down his neck.

When they finally reemerged near the courtyard, maids were already moving around, lighting torches. One of them was sent up to inform Gavin and Michael followed more slowly, wanted to give them some time to prepare.

"If the Oracle can see the future, shouldn't he know we're coming?" Alfredo whispered behind him, and Michael couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"I am sure he has more important matters to attend to right now."

But he could hear the amusement in Alfredo's voice and nearly had to grin as well.

The guards at the bottom of the stairs let them pass. Once they reached the last floor they saw Ray was waiting for them. Seeing him again sent a spark through Michael, but he pushed it back down.

At least Ray was smiling before turning towards Alfredo.

"I don't think we've ever been formally introduced," he said and offered his hand.

Alfredo threw a look at it as if to make sure that it was real and it took Michael a moment until he understood that Alfredo knew about Ray's past injury. Even if not, Ray had been dead and here he was standing in front of them with a polite smile.

If Ray was hurt about the hesitation, he didn't show it, but Michael was ready to kick Alfredo back down the stairs if he didn't- But then he was grasping Ray's hand and shook it.

"You're Ray. Prince Gavin's valet."

"Prince Gavin's advisor," Ray corrected him. "It's unfortunate to meet under such circumstances, Alfredo, but I'm still glad to finally have the pleasure."

"Jeremy told me a lot about you, but I rarely saw you around."

"I'm not quite a fan of pubs," Ray replied before letting go. "If you would please follow me. The Royal Oracle is waiting for you."

He led them towards the room in the back and while he opened the door for Alfredo, he made no move to follow. No, once Alfredo stepped inside he closed it without entering.

"Gavin wants to talk to him alone," he explained.

"He puts a lot of trust in someone just because he remembers him."

"I hope this won't bite him in the ass later, but honestly... it's a bit refreshing to see." Ray sighed before stepping back from the door to turn towards him. "Are you okay?"

"Tired but fine. It was an exhausting journey," Michael admitted, but he didn't want to dwell on it anymore. "I'm surprised to see you this formal."

"I was taught etiquette in case you forgot. Also, I had some practice today." Ray hesitated, throwing a short glance back towards the door before stepping forward.

Michael tried to not be aware of their closeness right now.

"I acted as Gavin's messenger today and met with Geoff."

"Oh."

"But I got back just fine," Ray told him with forced happiness. "We should... talk though, Michael. While you were gone things happened."

"Okay."

Neither of them moved and Ray didn't start talking about whatever he wanted to talk about. He just stood there and Michael watched his fake smile crumble with time.

Whatever had happened it was bad.

"Ray?"

"I don't want to tell you," he told him. "I know I should, that it's only fair to warn you, but I don't want to."

"What is it, Ray?"

Ray took his hand and pulled him down the hall and into his room. It was a grotesque reenactment from a few nights ago because with each step his dread grew.

He didn't want to know what Ray was about to tell him, he was still reeling from all the other punches, but he didn't protest. No, he just stood there while Ray was chewing on his bottom lip, trying to find the words.

"Just say it-"

"Jeremy returned as well."

Oh.

At first, there was nothing. A cold feeling in the pit of his stomach, but besides that, he felt alright.

When he didn't react, Ray slowly continued, "He's out there with Geoff and Jack and I... I talked to him. He returned from the Nether just like I have."

Jeremy was alive.

There was a bubble in his chest, filled with what felt like euphoria. A part of his brain figured that if Jeremy was alive, Michael hadn't killed him! That him killing Jeremy and Jeremy coming back had somehow canceled each other out and all the guilt was just washed from him.

It was just like Jeremy had never stepped foot in Gavin's room that day and everything went according to plan. Sure, they had still betrayed him and it had to hurt, but that was still better than... than him being dead. Right?

When the bubble burst, he realized his own mistake. Not euphoria: hysterics. Blind hysterics that crawled up his throat and when Ray touched him it felt like a thousand needles.

Michael pushed him away and made to leave the room without a real goal in mind. It didn't matter because Ray was quicker than him, wrapping his arms around his middle and holding him back.

"No," he whispered with his face pressed between his shoulder blades. "Don't run away."

He had to. He knew the only thing getting rid of this feeling inside was to start walking. To go as far as he could and never turn back. He wouldn't stop walking, never, because it would catch up to him otherwise.

But Ray kept him rooted right here.

"You talked to him?" And the moment he said that he wanted to laugh. Ray had just gone out there and had talked to Jeremy. Jeremy was just beyond those walls.

"I did. He was... When I went to meet Geoff, he was waiting there and then he came with me to Geoff's tent and he was there. He- he offered me tea, Michael. He fucking- like nothing had ever happened and if I hadn't known, I wouldn't..."

Ray's arms tightened and under other circumstances, Michael would be surprised by his strength. Now he just stared ahead without really seeing.

"I told him you were sorry."

"Sorry," Michael blurted out and now the laughter came. It was ugly and cruel, but he couldn't help it. "I killed him, I can't just be sorry. Ray, sorry is if you broke a cup or-"

"I know," Ray interrupted him. "I didn't know what to say. I knew he would be out there and I thought I would be ready, but I wasn't. I fucking wasn't and when he looked at me I didn't know what to do."

Michael took a deep breath, let it out again. Laughed. He wanted to throw up.

"What did he say?"

"He wants to talk to you. He wants to ask you for a reason."

That finally did it. That was the last straw and everything crashed down into white panic.

Jeremy was alive. Jeremy was out there and they might see each other. They might come close enough to talk. Close enough for Jeremy to ask him why and Michael had no answer for him. Not a satisfying one because nothing could even come close to be a satisfying answer for that question and they both knew it.

Jeremy remembered that night, the horrible things Michael had done to him and it still felt like a nightmare. Sometimes he could pretend that it was just that because who could tell him otherwise? Only the three of them had been there and if he wanted to pretend it never happened and Jeremy was gone, that left only Gavin.

And he had seen Gavin do horrible things as well, so it nearly seemed fair that he had seen him at his lowest.

What would he do if Jeremy truly stood in front of him? What if they came face to face in this conflict. Again.

This time Jeremy would be prepared and Michael- could he raise his weapon against him?

"Why?" he brought out. The very same question Jeremy was searching an answer for, the question they were all asking. "Why do bad things happen?"

He couldn't remember falling. Collapsed on the floor. A heap of garbage that was glad Ray was still by his side. How he was holding him so tight. Arms wrapped around him like he was able to hide him from the world.

How pathetic this must be for him. After all, Ray had walked straight through hell, Ray had played their scapegoat- but wasn't Jeremy the same?

"Why?" he held on tightly to Ray's arm. "Why us? Why did he choose us?"

"What?"

"Gavin." It nearly tore his heart apart, either from anger or sorrow, he couldn't tell. "If it ended in disaster the last time, what gives him the right to pull us in again? Why didn't he just keep away?"

He could feel Ray exhale, could feel the shock, but he couldn't stop himself. It was always easier to pass blame, wasn't it?

"If we hadn't become friends, none of these bad things would've happened."

"Michael..."

"You wouldn't have been hurt, Jeremy wouldn't be dead, and I wouldn't have-"

He wouldn't have blood on his hands. At least not that of a friend. If the King had decided to send him out to a battlefield and he had killed there, it would have been better. Even dying out there would still be better than this.

Everything would be better.

"Why couldn't he just leave us in peace?" he asked. "Why did he have to share his misfortune with us? It would've been better had he never-" talked to us, approached us.

It would've been better had he never fallen out of the portal at all.

* * *

"A one on one meeting with Geoff is a very generous offer," Ray told him, and Gavin silently agreed. 

"He wants answers, Gav, and honestly? He deserves them. You just jumped this whole thing on him and disappeared. Geoff must have been so worried."

"That was never my intent."

"It doesn't matter what your intent was because it is what happened. What if you... tried to explain things to him now?"

Gavin pressed his lips together, but Ray wouldn't let him fret over it.

"This might be your last chance."

"I can explain things to him when everything calms down. When he gives in and I have the crown, I could-"

"So what if he doesn't give in?" Ray interrupted him and Gavin quickly pushed the thought aside. Geoff had to give in, he had to, but the disrespect Geoff had shown him at their last meetings had shaken him. If Geoff simply refused and truly attacked... he wasn't sure what he should do. All his pieces were in place, the rumors to destroy Geoff's credibility were spreading right now, but if none of that worked-

Someone knocked on his door and allowed him to put the worries aside.

Ray got up to answer and when he turned back around, he couldn't quite hide his smile.

"Michael has returned and is on the way here. He brought Alfredo as well."

"Just in time."

"Are you sure you want to talk to this Alfredo guy alone?"

Gavin nodded. He had spent long enough racking his brain for any sort of information he could remember from Alfredo and then had carefully chosen which he should use. Some he had written down in the letter to get Alfredo to even come here, but it would be foolish to reveal all his secrets at once. 

"I guess I'll talk to Michael then."

"You don't have to tell him about Jeremy, you know?"

It was rare to see Ray truly angered, but the glare he shot him now made Gavin feel very, very small.

"Someone who twists the truth as much as you should realize that there is a certain trust in telling it. That if you respect someone, if you want what's best for them, it's advised to be honest."

"Michael might break from that."

"That is on him to decide and on us to prevent. But not with lies. We're not enemies, Gavin. With two lifetimes under your belt, I'd figure you knew the difference."

Because they weren't cowards. Neither Ray nor Michael. Sometimes Gavin envied them for that. It also scared him, seeing them standing so tall and sure, it was intimidating.

Like right now when Ray stood there with his red cape and no hesitation to speak his mind. Someone who had gone willingly through hell for him.

"I'll bring Alfredo to you," Ray told him before leaving, and Gavin sighed to himself. He was an eternal coward it seemed.

Right now he let it go because there were more important matters at hand. Sitting in front of the fire, he waited and when Ray let Alfredo in, he stood.

"Alfredo, it's good to finally meet you."

"Your Highness." He gave a bow that wasn't mocking and Gavin had to smile. They would get to that eventually.

"Gavin is fine. Please sit down."

He offered him one of the seats before taking one himself and watched amused as Alfredo took in his surroundings. The tea and the sweet pastries Gavin had prepared, knowing those were his favorite, and could Alfredo tell? Maybe not yet, but he wasted no time to fish out the letter out of his pocket and hold it up.

"You wrote about my sword in this, which is something that Jeremy could've told you," he said. "But there are other things in here that are rather private and I would love to know how you found out about them."

"Isn't it redundant to ask an Oracle how they know about things? It's kinda in the name," Gavin replied and watched as Alfredo frowned at him. Familiar, so very familiar. _Before_ Alfredo had entered his life much later than Michael or Ray, and at first Gavin hadn't put much thought into Jack's new spy, but he had piqued his interest in the intervening months. The sarcastic way he reported things in their briefings, his rather... unique way of gathering information. It had greatly amused Geoff and Gavin had to admit it had intrigued him as well.

So much so that once he had inherited the crown, he had made Alfredo part of his personal guard. Jack hadn't been too happy about that, but as he had later learned, Jack hadn't been happy about a lot of things.

"I'm gonna be frank, your Highness, I do not believe in the Oracle," Alfredo said and this time Gavin couldn't hide his smile. Of course, he wouldn't. Things that Alfredo didn't see with his own eyes were only rumors for the most part.

"What do you believe in then?"

"That a Prince has access to many resources and men that could easily figure out things for him."

He had, but he had rarely used the spies for anything. They were under Jack's control after all.

"Doesn't it make sense that I can see glimpses of the future? I did come from the Nether after all."

"According to word on the street. Could all be a ruse to make Geoff's adopted bastard special in the eye of the public."

That- was a new one. For a moment Gavin was stunned, not only about the idea, but the bluntness. Alfredo must have noticed as well and was clever enough to backpedal.

"Just things I heard in the pub, your Highness. Drunkards talk and often with little sense. I mean no offense."

That was a lie, but Gavin let it slide. He couldn't help himself but strike back.

"I guess you weren't around when I came to court, otherwise you would think of the portal no more than a rumor," he said and reached for one of the pastries on the table between them. "You were still in Werringthal during that time. Unaware of all that would happen."

Alfredo tensed and Gavin popped the pastry into his mouth. He made a gesture for Alfredo to help himself, but didn't expect him to.

"A wanted criminal that ran away under the cover of night. Searching long and hard for a place to stay. Granted, you killing a nobleman would be years after I exited the portal. It's a shame you had to leave everything behind."

He had gotten under Alfredo's skin now and brushed sugar from his fingers as the other tried his hardest to find his composure again.

"Why do you feel the need to spy on me, Your Highness? I’ve hurt no one in your borders, at least no one you should care about."

"I wouldn't bother the royal spies with searching for information on a mercenary that waits in a pub for drunk clients."

Alfredo's eyes were brown and Gavin forced himself to look at them. They reminded him of Geoff, they always had. More attentive, not tired like Geoff's, but in both, he could find kindness. After Geoff's death, they had been comforting.

Now they were just distrustful and wary. That would change in the future.

"Nobody can predict the future," Alfredo hissed.

"And the dead can't rise," Gavin replied easily. "I'm sure Ray introduced himself to you. He's very well-spoken if he wants to be."

That made Alfredo think. Gavin let him. Maybe he would argue that Ray had never been dead, that all of that was just another ruse either from Gavin or Geoff. That Ray had just been hidden and Gavin would let him have that. 

But Alfredo had seen Ray's arm; the attack in the garden had been well known throughout the kingdom. They had been in the pub afterward and surely Jeremy had spoken about it.

Now Ray could move his arm freely, and even if Alfredo considered the possibility that Ray had played them for years and years, given up his career as a knight, it sounded ridiculous. All that for what? A small shock moment?

No, that was the thing Alfredo was chewing on the most, and Gavin picked up his cup of tea. He was halfway done with it before Alfredo spoke again.

"What would someone as powerful as you want with a mercenary that waits in a pub for drunk clients then?"

"His strength," Gavin told him and placed the cup down. Besides the fire, the clink was the only noise in the room. "His sword, his wit, his point of view."

"You could have nearly everyone out there and you chose me?"

"I did," Gavin agreed. "I'm searching for familiar souls out there, Alfredo, and yours called to me."


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I will agree to Geoff's offer," Gavin told him. "And I want to be honest. I don't think I can tell him everything because that would be too much, not with how... stressed our relationship is right now, but I can try to ease him in. If he believes that I can see the future, that all of this has a reason, maybe everything can be over sooner."

Chapter 14

Michael brought down Mogar with a heavy swing. He didn't use his full strength yet, that was ill advised while he was still testing the waters, he didn't want to accidentally hurt Alfredo. Nevertheless, Alfredo, for whatever inane reason, just straight out tried to block his strike.

Michael didn't have the opportunity to often fight against another diamond weapon but the rules of a normal fight still applied! You didn't just take the blunt force of such an attack.

Their sword clashed and the resistance of the hit went up his arm until it ached in his shoulder. Yet a flash of a moment later he felt a force push back at him. It was like all the energy he had just used was reversed. He was staggered.

That was what made Alfredo a successful mercenary. A moment of surprise and causing an inbalance. Alfredo had waited for it, and now it was on him to strike: a vicious stab towards Michael's throat, which would end most battles in Alfredo's favor. Michael figured if he hadn't been trained for so long, he would've met the same end.

One of his hands shot up and pushed the blade away, just enough that it went past him.

That caught Alfredo by surprise and he took a moment to find his own balance again. Michael could use that, but instead he let Mogar sink.

"Was that your enchantment?" he asked.

"The enchanter called it knock back," Alfredo told him. "It gets most jobs done quickly."

"Yeah, I figured as much."

They were outside in a courtyard Michael had stumbled into a few days prior. It had a big enough paved area to spar, and sure, there were actual training grounds in the fortress; but he had ordered his fellow warriors to train the normal folk in the most basic of fighting there. 

He wasn't in the mood to pull all that attention towards him.

It was a hot day, especially in between the walls where little wind could reach them. So he shrugged his cloak off to throw it over the low stone fence surrounding the area.

"You got quick reflexes pushing my sword away. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Michael looked down at his hand, but the leather palm of his gauntlet had caught the worst of it. There was an annoying gash in it now. Hopefully, he could get rid of that later.

"My armor took it, but I wouldn't be able to do that a dozen times. Your tactic probably gets rid of most of your enemies. It surprised me."

"I surprised you? You pack quite a punch." Alfredo rotated his shoulders to get rid of the stiff feeling and Michael couldn't quite help the smug grin stretching over his face.

"I bet I could power right through your enchantment!"

"You wanna give it a try?"

Of course, he wanted to. The distant ache in his muscles, the familiar weight of Mogar, and the sweat rolling down his back. He had missed training, he had missed not thinking. Being out here alone reminded him of simpler times when they were the last ones on the training field and he would train until he couldn't stand anymore.

It had paid off, just like he had always told himself it would.

Now he picked up Mogar and waited for Alfredo to get ready. Alfredo probably expected more strength than before and Michael would for sure give him that, but he didn't want to actually hurt him.

He noticed something red in the corner of his eyes as he got ready to haul his sword back and he was suddenly too aware of the eyes watching them. Fuck it, he had someone to impress here.

"Are you ready? I'll give it my all."

"Bring it."

Fine, he had warned Alfredo.

With a cry, he hauled Mogar back and brought it down on Alfredo's sword. There was some resistance, first from Alfredo himself and then when the enchantment kicked in, but then he was through.

Mogar hit the ground, cracking the stone and for a hysterical moment, Michael was sure he had cut straight through the other sword. But no, Alfredo had just let go. Sending the sword scattering across the courtyard. Smart, otherwise Michael might have damaged it.

"Holy shit," he heard Alfredo mutter as he rotated his wrist.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No, I let go in time. Quite impressive."

"Told you."

Cheers came behind him and Michael straightened up with a wince. Ah fuck, he would feel that move later, but more importantly, Ray was perched on the stone fence next to his cloak and was grinning at him. Michael was pulled on him by invisible strings and couldn't quite keep from smirking.

"Did you like that?"

"You are not supposed to break him after just bringing him back, showoff," Ray teased, but instead of feeling chastised, there was a warm shiver rolling down his back.

"What are you doing here?" He reached up to his hair, but Ray was already on the ribbon holding it together. It had mostly come undone during training anyway.

"Enjoying the view."

Well, if that didn't put a damper to his fluttering heart. Michael turned to look and Alfredo who gave them an awkward little wave. He was further away, going through the hedges searching for his sword, and fine, Michael wasn't blind, but-

"I wasn't talking about Alfredo, stupid," Ray singsonged as he brushed Michael’s hair out of his face.

"Oh."

"I mean, that's a nice extra."

"Oh..."

Laughing, Ray finished his braid and cupped his face gently. He was a bit taller, sitting on the fence and Michael felt small and young under his steady gaze.

"Are you... alright?" Ray whispered as he stroked over his cheek. "Yesterday was awful and I was worried when I didn't find you in your room this morning."

The light feeling from training was daring to slip away and Michael put his hands on Ray's legs, squeezing like he needed something to hold on to.

"I didn't want to think about it so I went to train," he explained. "It's like nothing bad ever happened when I don't think."

Ray angled his face to look at him, and Michael hadn't even noticed that he had turned away. He let Ray search for whatever he was looking for because he knew Ray worried over him and it would be foolish to pretend that he was alright. Michael was far from being alright and he figured the only alternative to going training was to scream and smash things.

His mind needed a break, that was at least one thing he was certain of. Otherwise, he didn't know what would happen.

"Okay," Ray muttered. "Today nothing bad ever happened and tomorrow we'll figure shit out."

And Ray, wonderful, kind Ray, leaned forward to kiss the corner of his mouth and Michael's heart dared to burst. He wasn't allowed to feel this way after everything that he had done. but today nothing bad had ever happened so it was okay.

It was okay to reach up and angle Ray's face for a proper kiss and it was okay that it was a bit forceful and nearly sent Ray over the fence. Nothing that an arm around his middle didn't fix, but maybe they should think about better places in the future.

"Michael," Ray breathed and he pushed between Ray's legs so that he could pull him flush. And maybe Ray gave him a playful slap to his shoulder, but he was also laughing and Michael didn't want to miss this.

"Michael, we have an audience."

Ah fuck. Right.

He groaned against Ray's shoulder to try and hide his flushed face. He had kinda forgotten about Alfredo and now Ray was pulling on his bun to get him to turn around.

"Morning, Alfredo," Ray said easily like Michael's face wasn't burning through his tunic.

"Morning. Are you here to join us for training?"

"Poor me between two bulky boys and their diamond swords? I don't think so."

Michael didn't know in which direction his stomach somersaulted hearing that, but it was the wrong one.

"Fuck you," he blurted out and gave Ray a shove. How he managed to stay perched on top of the fence while laughing, was beyond him. Michael was compelled to face Alfredo again.

"Ignore the idiot. All he ever does is talk shit."

"I saw you also carried a bow, Alfredo. Are you an archer?" Ray asked as if Michael hadn't said a thing.

"Hardly. I know how to shoot, but I fear I lack any talent. I'm good with daggers though."

"Foolish to let someone come close enough to be forced to use a dagger," Michael muttered, but Alfredo just shrugged.

"That's why I throw them."

Ray made an intrigued noise and slipped from the fence to approach Alfredo. Not without letting his hand travel from Michael's shoulder all the way down his back, but he tried not to think about that.

"Show me!"

They put up a barrel to practice on and Michael had to admit that it was impressive seeing Alfredo throw the daggers. It was a delicate balance as he held them between two fingers before hurling them across the courtyard, hitting the mark each time.

Ray tried as well. He didn’t stand as far away from the barrel as Alfredo did, but his throws still came up short. Michael watched with a frown how Ray held the dagger a little awkwardly, how his face was pulled in concentration, and still he had a hard time even getting close to the barrel. Kept trying even into the lunch period.

Ray had never been talentless, far from it, but Michael hadn’t seen him quite like this.

"I don't want to dull the blade, but thanks for letting me try," Ray told Alfredo as he picked another dropped dagger up.

"Anytime."

After Alfredo excused himself Michael approached Ray with a lopsided grin.

"You checked on the armory. Did you see some throwing daggers in there?" Ray asked.

"I think so. Should I get you some?" Ray made to respond, but an uncomfortable thought seemed to intrude on him; his voice silenced. Michael wasn’t so stupid as to not notice why.

"Your... your arm. But it got healed, right?"

Ray hummed and looked down at his hand. He had done that a lot the past few years, often in frustration or even anger, but right now he was just thoughtful.

"I think it's my head? I lived for so long without being able to use my right arm. Now it just feels like I have to learn it all again. It's weird." Ray shrugged and balled his hand to a fist. "Training with something that needs as much finesse as the daggers might help."

It sounded more like a question, but Michael was quick to nod.

"Then we'll do just that. I'll get you those daggers and we can stay here all day training."

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely!" He pulled Ray into his side and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. Ray hummed as he nestled against him, warm and alive and for a while, they sat there like that. Michael was ready to doze off, no matter the sunlight, but then Ray shook himself.

"Ah, I shouldn't fall asleep. We don't want Estrelle to return just yet." He sat up and scooted a little away. Straightening up and taking a deep breath; trying to wake his mind up. The smell of the grass and the hedges bringing to mind the past. It felt like being back in the garden.

"It's so peaceful here," Ray murmured. "I want to stay here. In our own little courtyard where nothing bad ever happens."

"You've got a sunburn."

Michael opened his eyes and blinked against the evening sun. They had only left their courtyard for a small lunch break and to fetch the daggers. While Ray trained on his own, Michael had laid down on the patch of grass next to the hedges.

Now Gavin leaned over him and the ends of his scarf dangled above his face. Gavin wasn't wearing any cloak and neither of his crowns; it only reminded him even more of lazy evenings in the garden.

"What?"

"Michael, you've got a sunburn, Michael."

Yeah, his left arm and shoulder were red, but that was hardly the first time. Reaching up, he pulled on the scarf until Gavin stumbled over him.

"Hey!"

"Your fault for still wearing a scarf," Michael told him while he sat up.

Ray was still standing on the courtyard throwing his daggers, but Michael could see that there were some holes in the barrel where he must have hit it already. The way he held onto the dagger looked more natural as well, and Michael couldn't help but feel proud.

"I was looking for you guys. Have you been here all day?" Gavin asked him. He sat next to him, cross-legged, and without his heavy jewelry, he looked so much younger.

"Yeah. Did you need us for something?"

Gavin shook his head. "I was just tired of writing letters and meeting with nobles. It's nice out here."

Michael watched him in the corner of his eye and wasn't quite sure what he felt. Sitting here under the last sunbeams after a lazy day felt too much like their childhood, and all the dark thoughts from last night seemed impossibly far away. The things he had said and the things he had wished, so blasphemous for someone sitting here with Gavin like that.

If he could go back to their beginning, would he change their meeting? Would he walk up to the Child of Misfortune once more and hold out his hand?

Yesterday he had known the answer to that. Yesterday he would've taken Ray's and Jeremy's hand and pulled them both far away. Maybe he wouldn't have gotten Mogar then, maybe neither of them had risen so quickly through the ranks, but was all the pain worth it?

Right now, Michael couldn't quite find an answer. Gavin had approached them because he didn't want to be lonely. A burned child who had reached out to the few he could trust, Michael could hardly fault him for that. Right?

And things had been good for a while, being so close to someone close to the King, and how pleased his parents were. Not only that, Gavin had always been afraid and Michael could protect him, could be his little hero, and he had greatly enjoyed that role.

Did he still do so?

Gavin noticed him watching and turned towards him. Without any mask, Michael liked him more, even if he looked tired and a bit rundown. He was probably just used to seeing him well put together.

"I will agree to Geoff's offer," Gavin told him. "And I want to be honest. I don't think I can tell him everything because that would be too much, not with how... stressed our relationship is right now, but I can try to ease him in. If he believes that I can see the future, that all of this has a reason, maybe everything can be over sooner."

Just another lie. One closer to the truth maybe, but still a lie.

Ray hit the barrel with a satisfying thud and cheered. Exhausted and sweaty, he sent them a thumbs up before pulling the dagger out of the wood again. Michael was sure he couldn't love him more than at that moment.

"I'll come with you," he told Gavin. If that was a chance to leave this all behind, to end this, he would help. It wouldn't work; at least he didn't think it would. He had no idea how Gavin was going to fix it, but he was too tired to continue the topic. Not today, not in their courtyard.

Nothing bad happened here.

* * *

The makeshift tent on the hill between the forest and the fortress was nothing big. Gavin had watched from afar how it had been built in a few hours and he also had watched Geoff disappear into it.

"There is no ambush," he told Michael as the gate was opened in front of them. 

"Then we have nothing to worry about. I'll still check it out."

"Geoff especially said that it would just be us two."

"It will be. The moment I'm sure nobody is hiding in the shadows I'll be gone." Michael shrugged. "Listen, Geoff can hold his ground in a battle, but you can't. You don't even carry a weapon."

"Which is part of our agreement."

"I meant in general." Michael reached for his belt and pulled a small dagger out. "You should keep this on you at all times."

Gavin threw the dagger a glance before pulling a face. "I don't like violence."

"Gav, we are so way past that. One spark will put both groups into a bloody fight and if shit hits the fan, I want you to be able to defend yourself."

There wouldn't be a fight. No, after today they would be a big step closer to peace, to the crown on his head. Geoff would listen and Geoff would understand. They would work it out.

"It would be disrespectful towards Geoff," he said. "I won't take it with me."

Michael hummed, but put the dagger back. "When you come back though, I want you to have it."

Then it wouldn't matter, he didn't think so, but if it would ease Michael's mind, he was ready to do it.

Michael had been... weird these past few days. He threw him long glances, always seemed thoughtful and quiet, like he was pondering over something. Of course, he would, after the things that had happened, the things that were still happening, and Jeremy coming back, Gavin was sure there were more than enough things to ponder about. Usually, he would talk to him about it, but he hadn't.

Michael had actually spent more time with Ray lately, so maybe he had talked with him. It still left Gavin on edge, especially walking out of the gate with Michael now.

That was also a surprise; he had kinda expected Michael to hole up in the fortress if only to avoid Jeremy. Gavin would've gladly allowed him to, he himself wasn't sure what he would do if he met Jeremy today, but it had to be even worse for Michael.

Once again Michael showed him that he was so much braver than him.

Geoff was waiting for them in the tent, standing tall and regal, and Gavin's heart soared.

Next to him, Michael bowed and it made him so happy. They weren't enemies, after today they could show everyone that. All they wanted was the best for the kingdom. 

"Long live King Ramsey."

Geoff watched Michael before his eyes darted back to Gavin.

"He wanted to make sure this wasn't an ambush."

"We agreed on no weapons and just the two of us," Geoff reminded them, but Michael was quick to assure him.

"I didn't doubt your words, Geoff, but I had to make sure."

Geoff didn't look too convinced and Gavin reached out to squeeze Michael's arm, "Are you satisfied that there will be no ambush?"

"I guess so." Michael let his eyes travel around the tent one more time before looking past him, down to the treeline. Was he searching for Jeremy? Surely Jeremy was watching as well from somewhere down there.

"I'll wait at the gate for you."

"I know. Thanks."

He watched Michael walk away before stepping into the shade of the tent. The movement felt strangely absolute and he forced himself to say something before their silence could become too heavy.

"Sorry about that. I tried to tell him to stay back, but the situation is... tense and you know how Michael is. He won't bother us anymore though."

Geoff didn't answer and it made him nervous, so he began to unfasten his cloak. It was warm in here, but maybe that was just him. More importantly, he didn't want to talk to Geoff as the Oracle or the Prince or anyone besides himself. So he hadn't bothered with any kind of crown or jewelry. Just him and his scarf.

There was a table between them, two chairs to sit on, and Gavin hung his cloak over the back of one. Afterward, he had nothing to busy his hands with anymore and he looked up to Geoff.

Geoff who finally moved to step around the table and Gavin couldn't help but jump a little. A part of him expected a punishment, that Geoff would just raise his hand and smack him across the face. Geoff had never done that before, but right now Gavin probably deserved it and more.

Instead, Geoff pulled him in and crushed him against his chest. Gavin froze because that was something he shouldn’t have done.

"Are you okay?" Geoff asked, and wasn't that a damn loaded question? He wasn't even sure he knew the answer to it.

"I'm not hurt, Geoff." 

Good enough. Yeah, that had to do for now. 

But Geoff didn't let go, just held on to him and Gavin didn't know what to do. He didn't want to push him away, but also didn't want Geoff's warmth to sink into his soul; he needed to stay cold for this because part of it would hurt. Things that hurt were better to deal with when his insides were frozen, but Geoff didn't let go and before Gavin knew it, his arms darted up to hug him as well.

"I missed you," he whispered because that was the bottom line, wasn't it? "I missed you so much, Geoff."

Enough that it hurt, even after a lifetime.

"Missed you too, buddy."

He didn't know when he had started to tremble, but it was enough to make his teeth clatter. At least he could hide away in Geoff's arms until it eased, and when he felt ready to take a step back, Geoff let him.

"We should talk."

There were two cups of tea on the table, along with an assortment of treats. It made him smile because Geoff wasn't that mad at him then, right?

"I don't know where to start," he admitted. "I think it would be easier if you'd just ask."

"Okay."

Outside of their tent, the wind picked up and he could hear the distant leaves of the forest rustling. It reminded him of the first days in this world when he had been hidden away at the portal.

"What happened on that night when you and Michael disappeared?"

"There were no intruders. I'm sorry I made you think that."

"Do you have any idea how worried I was for you?"

Gavin nodded even though he had no clue. He figured if he'd look at Geoff now, he would see just how many sleepless nights he had caused him, so he watched his tea instead. It was his favorite one and he reached out to touch it. It felt warm and he let his finger wander over the rim of the cup.

"We had everything prepared. From the secret passage, it wasn't far to the stables, and from there we escaped the city. The people who helped and lied for us were followers of the Oracle."

He hoped those he had left behind in the castle were fine. His guards had for sure been thrown into the dungeon, but he had promised them riches for their loyalty.

"You are aware of what kind of danger you brought them?"

"They were ready to take that risk."

"For your damn theocracy?" 

Oh Gods, that stupid thing! Some of his followers had approached him about that, but that was far from what he wanted. The crown, nothing else mattered.

"That wasn't me. I am ready to be King, but I don't want to end up like Lord Lowry. Religion is just make-believe and apparently, I'm good at that. Once people believe you, all you have to do is pull the strings. This was just... a by-product."

"What about Jeremy then?"

Gavin halted in his motions and took a deep breath. 

"He surprised us," he told Geoff. "We knew he would go out to the pub and figured he would return to his barracks afterward. That way he would have an alibi, but he just barged in and-"

"And you killed him."

Gavin shook his head because it wasn't that easy. If Jeremy had just _listened,_ but then again, nobody would've believed him that night. He had been in a hurry and he hadn't prepared to explain anything and Jeremy had just been there suddenly. "We didn't want to. It all happened so fucking fast. We didn't have much time. He had seen that there were no intruders. I wasn't sure if he would... where his loyalty laid."

"If he was wearing the crest on his chest because of me or because it was a gift from you."

Gavin nodded. "I'm glad that he made it out of the Nether."

"Glad that he lives on, knowing his friends betrayed him?"

"We didn't-"

"You know first hand how people react to those coming from the Nether," Geoff interrupted his sorry excuses and Gavin squirmed. "How they get shunned and excluded. This is your fault."

He did know. He knew more than Geoff did, all the things Gavin had never told him. The guards throwing him around, Lord Lowry and his scary ideas about him. The faint lines on his shoulder, carved by Lady Reese.

Geoff had no idea.

"From all that has happened if there was one thing I was able to change... it would be what happened to Jeremy." And he meant it. What had happened to him, he didn't want it to happen to anyone else. Being a Child of Misfortune was a lonely life. "I really, _really_ never wanted to harm him. He's been good to me for all these years."

"You have a strange way of thanking people who've been good to you."

He got the feeling that wasn't so much about Jeremy anymore and finally he dared to look up from his tea. Geoff had leaned back in his seat, his arms crossed over his chest. Oh, Gavin had hurt him and he got the feeling that he only saw the tip of it. That the hurt went so much deeper.

"Was it all worth it? All the chaos you have caused and the people you’ve hurt? For what?"

And here it went. Gavin forced himself to sit up straight, to look Geoff in the eyes because that was what he deserved.

"As a Ramsey the most important thing is the kingdom, that's what you taught me," he explained. "I am sorry that I hurt people, and I'm sorry that I hurt you, but if it is for the kingdom - I am willing to do it."

"The kingdom is healthy, don't use it as an excuse."

"It's not an excuse!"

Geoff shook his head and Gavin pressed his lips together.

"I saw it. I can see what will happen."

"Gavin, both of us know that that's not true." Geoff waved him off, a dismissive motion that Gavin recognized, but had never seen aimed at him.

"I can see the future," he pleaded with Geoff. Making him believe that was easier than dumping the whole truth on him. So many people already believed in the Oracle, surely Geoff could find it in himself as well.

"Gavin, I fucking invented this whole Oracle-spiel and-"

"I know, I was there," Gavin interrupted him because Geoff just had to listen. "And that was smart, alright? It was fucking smart because people stopped hating me and I'm thankful for that! I was able to walk through the city, I wasn't locked away in the castle anymore, but you just invented the Oracle. I was still the one making the predictions!"

"We all saw you search for things to predict, patterns that we hadn’t noticed before. You can't tell me that all of this is real. I know it’s not."

Gavin smacked his hand on the table and he didn't even intend to. Geoff knew nothing, nothing about the fights he had fought behind the scenes, the people he had faced when Geoff had turned away, the words thrown at him. Geoff had no idea how it was like to be hated because he had been born with parents, with a name, a bloodline, and riches. He had known his place and had experienced love the moment he had first opened his eyes. 

"It's not that fucking easy! Gods, Geoff!"

"I didn't think this was getting this much to your head that you'd start to believe it yourself-" A flippant answer, disrespectful like whatever Gavin was telling him didn't mean a thing.

"When I predict one thing and avoid it, it changes other things." He grew louder with each word and couldn't stop himself. Someone growing loud was a sign that they were losing control, but he couldn’t help it. "It's a butterfly effect! When I predict a drought and we act against it, everything I saw before changes! People who were meant to die didn’t, they interacted with other people, which wouldn't have happened before. Things change and it's not that _fucking easy!"_

Outside the wind picked up, tearing on the tent around them like it was trying to tear it down, to get in and Gavin forced himself to take a deep breath.

Yelling wouldn't help and under Geoff's watchful eye he forced himself back under control. Geoff had more experience in negotiations like this, but Gavin had learned from him, had watched his every step to be good enough, to make him proud.

Geoff didn't yell.

"Jeremy came back out of the Nether with a gift, didn't he?" Gavin continued. "He can do something that shouldn't be possible by a human, right? Why shouldn't the same happen to me?"

That had been a shot in the dark more or less. He was pretty confident that if Jeremy had made it out, it was along with a demon, but had Geoff noticed that? Ray had told him there was something weird about Jeremy during their meeting, but Geoff could be so awfully inattentive.

It seemed to hit the mark because Geoff hesitated, considered what he was saying maybe for the first time since sitting down here.

"If what you say is true then why didn't you just tell me the truth?" Geoff asked and Gavin dared to hope.

"Because there was no way you would believe me," he whispered. "Even with all the things that are happening, even with Jeremy, you are only now starting to even consider that option."

That, and with him changing the truth as well. If he'd tell Geoff everything, that he had lived before, there was no chance Geoff would even consider this at all. But he must have noticed something in Jeremy, otherwise, he would dismiss this as well.

For someone who also enjoyed old stories and legends, they surely didn't have any place during his reign.

"So what? Instead, you go and poison me?"

Gavin pressed his lips together because yes, he had, but that wasn't what he wanted to focus on. Not while they were getting somewhere here.

"It wasn't lethal."

"You just wanted to make me so sick that I was forced to let you inherit before you were ready? Even though you betrayed me so fundamentally?"

"For the kingdom-"

"Because you wanted the crown." Geoff's voice was rising and it shocked Gavin into just sitting there. He knew he had hurt Geoff, but to see that hurt so raw made his heart sink.

"You already have so much power and now you want more. You wanted to harm me so that it looked like I was falling sick and that way you could take over. The caring son."

That wasn't what was happening. That was far from what was happening and he could just shake his head. 

"That's not-"

"And when that didn't work, you went out there and now tell all your followers that I ran you out of the castle, that I will bring ruin to this kingdom!"

"I'm trying to save you." He said it carefully, whispered it like a secret because it came from his heart.

Geoff stood at once, making him jump. "Save me? You brought a restlessness over this entire kingdom and you destroyed the reputation I worked years to build! All because you claim to know better?"

"It's better than the alternative-"

"You do not get to decide what's best for me!"

Geoff was outright yelling at him now and it made his heart race as he stared up to him. So much anger, he never wanted Geoff to look at him like that. Like he was a lost cause.

"If you want to get my crown, do it the old fashioned way, Gavin. The one who kills the King shall become the new one."

Like Jack had? Jack who hadn't agreed with him and had raised the Ramsey sword at him. No, he wasn't the same as Jack. Never! 

"You didn't seem to mind sacrificing Jeremy and Ray-"

Gavin couldn't remember standing, he also couldn't remember swiping the tea from the table, but he must have because the cups broke on the ground, spilling all of his favorite tea. Geoff had brought it especially for him, a peace offering, but he couldn't think about it, he could barely breathe, he was so angry. He wasn't like Jack.

_He wasn't._

"Fuck you, Geoff!" He barely got those words out but when he did, it all just spilled out. "You wanted me to do nothing? You wanted me to just sit down and watch how you get sick? The poison sucked, alright? I know that! I fucking know, but you would've recovered! Even better, you fucking stopped drinking yourself silly! If you hadn't, you'd have only five more years. Five more years until you really fall sick. And then there would be nothing we could do then! You would die after weeks of fever and being bedridden, after you are so hollowed out that you can barely speak, that you barely recognize me or Jack!"

No, stop. That was too much, he was revealing too much, but he wanted Geoff to know. All those times when he had looked at Geoff and wanted to tell him everything, but hadn't dared. It all came back now.

"And it's my fault because in the eyes of everyone it's always mine, right? You said it yourself: it's my fault that there's a cloud on a sunny day! It's that misfortune I carry in my heart that made you sick! I am sorry about Jeremy, I really am. If everything would've gone to plan he wouldn't have been hurt at all, but it _didn't._ His big dumb heart got him killed and I hate this, but I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change it because he came back! That's a horrible position for him, but he's strong and he can pull through."

His heart bled for Jeremy, for this awful, awful situation he was in now, but he couldn't change it anymore. 

"If I could do it, he can as well, but even this right here is better than the alternative because the people of your oh-so beloved kingdom would be so damn vulnerable with your sickness. With the Child of Misfortune in charge, you know what they'd do. They have done it before because they hate me. They despise me from the bottom of their heart and now that I made their beloved King sick? They'd come for me. They'd come for me, but I'm protected, right? And first, they get Michael."

And he could see it in front of his inner eye. The ax buried in Michael's chest and how he had still pushed himself up. 

"They need three people to take him down, but they manage. Then they hunt down Ray."

Ray who pulled his green cloak over his head to hide his dark hair. Ray who was left lying in a hallway to bleed out when the intruders figured it out. Like he was trash. 

"He dies instead of me, and for what? For absolutely nothing! Because all of that can't get you your health back, and then you die. You die and leave me with nothing, just memories. That and Jack. The one who kills the King becomes the new one? You're not the only one who knows this; after you're gone it won't take long until my head rolls as well."

Jack with the Ramsey sword. Jack who thinks he will bring misfortune over the kingdom because his misfortune was also the thing that had made Geoff sick. And by the Gods, in his darkest hours Gavin had believed it as well.

"All for what? For blood and a golden crown. There is so much pain, Geoff. So much _pain."_

He forced his eyes open again, didn't know when he had closed them because he wanted to get rid of all those pictures, of these awful, awful memories. Instead, there was Geoff standing in front of him and Gavin realized he looked blurry because there were tears in his eyes.

"I'm _sorry_ for Jeremy. I'm sorry he got dragged into this, but if that's the alternative then I would do it again. I would do it a thousand times because I won't let that happen again. Never."

He couldn't remember the last time he had cried. As a child maybe, but back then he had been weak. Now he was cold, he had to be if he wanted the strength to hurt those around him.

Right now he was close with his shoulders heaving and his breath too loud. He was shaking because he had said too much and thinking about it again had scared him. So much pain, but that was behind him. If he looked at Geoff in front of him now, he wouldn't have to see the memory of him in his bed. The brittle hand that he had held on to for so long until it had grown cold.

Until he was gone, nothing left for him to lean on to.

"Everything I'm doing, I'm doing out of love," Gavin whispered. "Because you are my family and I want to protect the ones I love. I hurt some of them while doing so, but people get hurt, that's the sad truth. People get hurt and they die and they break, but in the end... in the end, I'm doing this out of love."

Yeah. It wasn't pretty, far from it, but he would do it. If he could save Geoff, then everything-

"I can't give you the crown just because of some story. A nightmare you believe is real."

Gavin blinked, and with the tears gone, he noticed how Geoff was watching him. Disturbed, worried, and even worse, pitying.

There was no understanding there.

Gavin leaned back, stunned. The hurt didn't come for a few heartbeats, but then it was enough to nearly rip him apart, to squeeze his heart until there was nothing left.

All these years he had wanted to tell Geoff the truth, to go to him and ask for help, for guidance. He wanted to fight this monster together, to hold his hand through it all because only then he was strong. Now finally, he dared to tell him. Only a bit, not even everything because he knew how that would sound like-

And Geoff dismissed him.

Gavin's knees felt weak and a part of him wanted to sit down and cry. On that chair behind him even; hide his face in his hands until it was over. Until Geoff walked around the table and took him in his arms.

Then Geoff would tell him that things would be alright, that he believed him, that they would slay this monster together.

Raising his hand, he brushed against the scarf. That stupid ratty thing, that had followed him through his lives like an old friend. How many smiles had he hidden behind it? How many tears, lies, and awful things? It had protected him from mean looks and meaner words and in the end? In the end, when he had been forced on his knees with Jack towering above him, it had been there. Not the crown, the crown had rolled away, but the scarf...

"I won't stop. For the people I love and want to protect, I won't stop until I'm the one sitting on the throne," he said. He wrapped his hand around the scarf and pulled on it. If it had been with him so long, he could also hide his pain right now and he did. He did until he could pull himself back together until he wore yet another mask and could face Geoff again. 

"There are more things out there, Geoff. Things that neither of us understand, bigger things than us, or the kingdom. It's my chance to find a different ending. A happier one."

"Some things you can't force," Geoff told him, but that wasn't true.

Gavin would force this ending. He would bend this life to his will, because he wasn't just a chess piece anymore and he was so tired of being moved for the amusement of someone else.

This time he was the one in control because something went wrong and he remembered. All he had to do was win, and one couldn't win without sacrifices.

"It's too late to stop. I can't stop now," he said. "I told you what I wanted to tell you. I answered your questions."

"Gavin-"

"Forfeit your title. You know I can take care of the kingdom and you can help me! The two of us." The two of them. The King and Queen, the two strongest pieces in chess, all they had to do was survive to win this game.

"I can't just do that."

"Yes, you can. You will go into history as a thoughtful ruler, the one who listened to the warnings and did what's best for the kingdom. That's what you always wanted, right?"

When had Geoff rounded the table? Gavin couldn't tell, his heart was beating so hard that he couldn't quite breathe right.

When Geoff touched him, cupping his face and forcing him to hold still, he wanted to scream.

"Calm down." Geoff's voice was sincere and full of love. Gavin was scared of drowning in it and he reached up, holding on tight to Geoff's arms.

"If I can make it stop I don't have to see these images anymore," Gavin whispered to him. "I don't want to see you on that bed. I don't want to see how empty you were."

"I'm right here, Gavin."

"Now you are, but not for much longer. I should've reacted faster, but I was so scared and didn't know how. Have I... have I changed it enough? Will you get sick now? I can never know."

"I'm not sick. I'm perfectly healthy."

Until now, but he had been healthy _before_ as well until that had changed. It had all happened so fast.

"You're just having a nightmare, buddy. You're just scared."

He was scared, he was outright terrified, but all of this wasn't a nightmare. He had spent his childhood pretending it was, but he couldn't wake up from it, not without slaying his monster.

"I knew you wouldn't believe me. I wanted to come and talk to you, but I knew you wouldn't believe a word. Even now you don't."

He pushed Geoff's hands away from him, heartbroken.

"I just want to go home, Geoff."

"Then come with me right now. Leave all of this behind and we can figure things out." Geoff was reaching his hand out like it was that easy. But taking it now would mean all had been for nothing and he was too far gone for that.

"Not without the crown on my head. Not until I'm sure I changed everything" He wanted to slay the monster together, he wanted to hold onto Geoff's hand if only to feel braver, but if Geoff wasn't willing to... then he would continue to fight without him. "Just... just give in, please, Geoff! The moment I'm King I can return and we can just... we can just be a family again."

"Things can't be the way they were before and you know that, Gavin." 

They had to. After the crown was on his head, everything would turn out better, they would continue as always. Having breakfast together, enjoying the evenings after a hectic day.

At the end of stories, when the evil was defeated there always was that happy end, wasn't there? If it wasn't waiting for him, Gavin would make sure to force that as well. 

Gavin snatched his cloak from the back of the chair and pressed it against his chest.

"I said what I wanted to say. You know my conditions now."

"I will not step down as a King," Geoff told him, and while that hurt, he could accept that. It didn't matter, he would just make him.

"I will do everything I have to to make you. I won't back down until I'm sure I found a better end for us."

"Are you even listening to yourself?"

He didn't. He didn't want to listen to himself, to that coldness inside his chest, but he would do what had to be done. When he threw his cloak over his shoulders, Geoff made a step towards him but didn't reach for him.

Gavin wished he knew what Geoff was thinking, but he didn't dare to raise his eyes to find out. If he looked at Geoff now, it would fill him with too much warmth.

"I'll await your answer, King Ramsey."

As he stepped out of the tent, Geoff called out for him, but he didn't listen. He just marched on until a hand fell on him.

Michael who had waited for him, and before Gavin knew it, he hugged him. At least Michael was there, at least Michael had listened and had given him the strength to act against all of this.

Michael, his brave warrior who would never leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week is the final and it's HUGE! Super excited for it!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Protecting my homeland is an honor! I’ll march into whatever fight the King wants me to for that!”
> 
> Alfredo scoffed before pointing over the area around the fortress and Michael’s heart sank. Loyal to the King? Protecting his homeland? Who was he even kidding? Right now he was pointed right at the King. Thanks to them the whole kingdom was in chaos.
> 
> He had thrown his childish beliefs out the window long ago. He just hadn’t noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is such a long chapter, oh my god

Chapter 15

"Are you done feeling sorry for yourself yet?" Michael asked, and Gavin scoffed.

"Leave me alone."

Normally he would back off then because Gavin was hurting, it took just one glance to see. He was sitting by the window in his room, watching the forest past the walls like he was hoping Geoff would just step out, waving a white flag.

I give up, here; take my kingdom, my crown, and let's be a family again.

That didn't happen.

Gavin was licking his wounds and Michael had let him. After he had come back from the meeting with Geoff, how could he not? It had been a long, long time since he’d seen him this upset, so crushed. Geoff had denied him and that had to hurt, Michael understood that.

But this was going on for a few days now and the people were growing restless. He was as well.

Gavin had just locked himself in here and now everything stood still. No messengers to send out to Geoff, none for them; and like this, they were just playing on time. Only that playing on time was the worst possible option.

Geoff had the upper hand in every kind of way. Gavin had to fucking get going and work something out; because Michael had no fucking idea what to do.

"I really thought he would listen," Gavin muttered, and not for the first time. He didn't even look at Michael, just continued to stare out of the window. Maybe it was better that his followers didn't see him like this, because he was everything but put together right now.

"Geoff didn't even consider it. He just dismissed it all like it was a nightmare of a child."

"You can't change that anymore. You just have to deal with it now."

"Once my rumors spread over the kingdom, maybe Geoff will reconsi..."

"Gavin," Michael said and tried hard to keep his voice under control. "We can't wait until your rumors spread. The people are already restless and if Geoff decides to attack, it's all over."

Gavin fell quiet just like always. Like there was no plan, like he had no idea what to do now, and that more than anything terrified Michael. There had to be a plan B somewhere, right? Surely Gavin had thought about the possibility that Geoff wouldn't listen.

Why did Michael doubt it then?

He left because he feared he would say something stupid, would start to yell, but maybe that was the right thing to do. Maybe a kick in Gavin's ass would do the trick and snap him out of his melancholy, but what if it wasn't? What if it would be the final straw of breaking him, leaving them with no leader at all?

Fuck, he didn't know what to do.

When he left the main building of the residence they were back. Pesky nobles who demanded an audience with the Oracle. Michael watched them with disgust. Their panic and fear were obvious, he could nearly smell it on them.

Fools, they had made their choice when they had turned their backs on the King, now they had to stick to it.

Right? That was how things were supposed to be. Why did the very words he had lived by for so long, sound empty now? Why was he doubting them when he could still feel the hands of his mother in his hair, how she had whispered them to him before sending him off.

Maybe because he finally realized that he had only pretended to make choices when he hadn't. Everyone else had done that from him, had set him down like a chess figure, and had pointed him to which direction they wanted him to move.

His father, his mother, the King, and of course-

Michael shook the thoughts off and told the nobles the same as the past days. That the Oracle wasn't to be disturbed right now, that he was in deep meditation to see far into the future. Some crap like that.

The first few days it had worked, but now it wouldn't quite do the trick.

He didn't know what to do.

"You don't look trust-inspiring," Alfredo told him, and Michael wanted to laugh. He didn't feel like it either.

"You should watch the way you hold yourself when stepping in front of your men."

He made a gesture towards the guards around them. Michael had wandered up the wall in his directionless wandering.

"I'm not one for masks," he replied. What a joke.

"Must be hard to be so close to the royal family then. All they do is wear masks."

He wanted to protest because he was allowed to see underneath the mask, right? Gavin had let him in as one of the first when he had been so alone and vulnerable. Sometimes Michael still dreamed about that moment, of walking into Gavin's room and finding him staring at the secret passage, debating if he should run away or not.

Things would've turned out differently if Michael had just let him go, but he hadn't because Gavin had been his friend and he had to be there for friends, no matter what. That was at least what he believed in.

"They are not my men," Michael replied instead because everything else was just too complicated.

"I mean you might not be the highest rank, but when I talked with people around here, they said you were one of the King's strongest men," Alfredo told him. He was leaning against the wall casually like this was nothing special and the world wasn't falling apart around them.

"That, together with the fact that you are one of the Oracle's closest, should be reason enough to follow your lead."

Michael looked around; while he had been aware of the eyes following him everywhere, he had never considered himself to be anything but Gavin's protector. He had been fine with that.

But the guards were watching now, though they didn't come close to talk or listen in. It had been quite some time since Michael had talked with any of them without giving out orders.

"Jeremy told me a lot about you."

Oh no, that was the last thing Michael needed right now, but he couldn't get his mouth to protest. Imagining Jeremy and Alfredo sitting at the bar, talking like old friends was comforting in a strange way. Like somewhere out there that reality still existed.

"What did he say?"

"Nothing specific, just everyday stuff. About your work, about your training. Thinking back to it now he always sounded content with his place, I'd never suspected he was plotting a single thing against the King."

Jeremy had been happy.

"Then again, after what I heard about you I would take you for just another loyal puppet."

Frowning, Michael turned towards him and found Alfredo watching him, waiting. Did he know about what happened that night? Did he just try to rile him up?

"I'm surprised a merc like you knows such things as loyalty," he said. "Your life belongs to those who pay the most. There's no honor in that."

"No difference to you. At least I can choose who’s orders I follow. The King just points you in a direction and you obey, no different from your own weapon. Then again they call the warriors the King’s sword, so at least it’s fitting.”

“Protecting my homeland is an honor! I’ll march into whatever fight the King wants me to for that!”

Alfredo scoffed before pointing over the area around the fortress and Michael’s heart sank. Loyal to the King? Protecting his homeland? Who was he even kidding? Right now he was pointed right at the King. Thanks to them the whole kingdom was in chaos.

He had thrown his childish beliefs out the window long ago. He just hadn’t noticed.

Now up here, the wind picked up to drag on his cloak and the golden eye.

Ray wore it more noticeably, Jeremy had as well, but he usually didn’t like any form of jewelry. In here appearances were important though and he had to do his part. Wearing a necklace was the least of his problems, but right now it felt like it weighed a ton, pulling until he could barely breathe.

He caught the small pendant again and let it disappear beneath his tunic. It burned like fire against his skin.

Beneath them, in the space inside the fortress, people were moving around. It was like a little city inside the high walls of the fortress and he watched maids hurry around and cooks preparing dinner. There were those who took care of the handful of horses and further back, where he couldn’t see were people training. He could hear the familiar grunts and the sound of swords clashing. People who had never held a weapon before were ready to raise them now.

Protecting his homeland?

Most people here should be far away from any battlefield, most people belonged in the safety of their houses. Those were the people they were meant to protect. That’s why they had soldiers. The King’s sword was meant to take down any threat, not be one.

This right here wasn’t right.

“Forgive me.” Alfredo interrupted him in his thoughts and still Michael had a hard time raising his gaze to him. “I’m not fond of nobles and royalty. If they want something they don’t ask for it. They walk over you and take whatever they please. At least, that’s what happened to me.”

There was a story there, one that Michael was vaguely interested in, but his head wouldn’t stop spinning.

“It’s not fair to let that out on you.” Alfredo actually looked concerned and took a step closer to him, like he wanted to comfort him. Michael wasn’t sure what expression he was wearing that made him do that.

“After all you did break out of it all. You made your choice and acted on it.”

“I-” He stopped because the words resounded in him. How often had he heard his mother whisper them to him? How often had he reminded himself? His own mantra and maybe for the first time-

“Go to the castle and become something that brings coins, my father told me,” he said. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. “Get close to the Child of Misfortune as long as it benefits the family. Become my friend because that’s what happened before. Protect me because that’s your role in life. Share my weight. Stop being a warrior and become a royal guard. Lie to everyone. Lie to your friends. Hurt your friends until you can’t look at yourself anymore. Poison the King. Follow me. Follow me, no matter your doubt because you know nothing else.”

Michael didn’t know if he should laugh or cry, so he did a little bit of both.

“I don’t remember when I have made a single choice myself. I stuck to them for sure, but they weren't mine. They were never mine.”

“Michael-”

“Gavin said I’m not a chess piece, but that’s wrong. I’m not a pawn and he can’t just sacrifice me like he does with others because they don’t matter. I don’t think death matters to him, but maybe it can’t, not with who he is.” He laughed again, didn’t know about what. The necklace was choking the air out of his lungs. “I’m a… bishop? A rook? Something more valuable than a pawn, but I don’t know. I never cared about chess.”

Alfredo stared at him with wide eyes and Michael laughed in his face.

“You’re right! You’re so right! I’m a weapon and I was pointed into whatever direction seemed fitting! By my parents, by my King, by Gavin.”

And he had been proud of it. He had marched in that direction without looking back and had done as he was told. Why not? What else was he supposed to do? He didn’t know another way.

“Make your choice and stick to it? I’ve never made a choice in my entire life!”

When Michael stepped into the upper hallway of the residence, he found Ray standing in front of Gavin's door. He didn't look up, didn't even seem to notice him, and Michael couldn't help but frown at how much he was swaying.

"Did you just come from Gavin?"

Ray looked up, but shook his head. Ah, he was just trying to gather up the courage to knock.

"I don't think he's doing well and what I'm about to tell him won't make it better."

"No, he's not." Michael stopped next to him and touched his face. His thumb brushed over the dark welts beneath his eyes, black like bruises.

"You should sleep."

Ray pulled a face. "Right now it feels like Estrelle is the only trump card we have and I don't want to lose it." His eyes narrowed as he looked Michael over.

"Did you cry?"

"I've just been thinking about things."

"And you hurt yourself doing so?"

Michael laughed and whatever tension had crept into Ray, vanished. He also smiled.

"Care to elaborate on what you've been thinking about?"

"Maybe later."

Ray hummed and leaned into his hand and Michael had been a bit unfair before. There was at least one choice he had made. That was something.

He wanted to kiss him, to hold him, but he couldn't. They weren't in their little courtyard anymore and up here bad things had happened. Bad things that Ray hadn't quite forgiven him for, and he would respect that.

"Should I come with you?"

"Please."

This time Ray didn't hesitate to knock on Gavin's door and also didn't wait to be called in. Michael followed him and was pleasantly surprised that Gavin wasn't sitting at the window anymore. Instead, he was scribbling something at his desk, but turned around at their entrance.

"Ray? Any news?"

"Yeah, I just listened in on a conversation between Jack and Geoff. They were planning their next moves."

Something that they should do as well, Michael wanted to add, but when he saw how Gavin's face fell, he kept it to himself.

Ray let himself drop into a seat and sighed. Michael didn't like how exhausted he looked, but that's what a couple of sleepless nights did. They couldn't go on like this for much longer.

"By the sound of it they contacted Lady Reese and she told them about different entry points," Ray explained.

"We locked them after Michael and Alfredo entered."

"They do expect that, but there are still the disposal sites and they want to use them."

Gavin got up to walk towards the window. From there he could look over the wall around. "That's what we checked on before, right? Anyone nearing them should be easily spotted from above."

"Hard to do if Jack sends his spies in the middle of the night. If there is only one or two it would be hard to see. We expected more people."

"Then we station additional guards there."

"We barely have enough men to keep a watch on the wall at all times," Michael threw in. "Over half of them aren't even formally trained. We can maybe spare one or two, but that won't do us much good."

"If Geoff does plan to infiltrate through there, our men would be dead before they could sound an alarm," Ray added.

At least Gavin was thinking about it now, Michael watched him ponder while standing there; it was much more pleasant to see him without any cloak on. It also made things more difficult, after all, it was harder to distinguish between his friend and the Oracle then.

"I'll think of something. At least to avoid the spies. They could cause chaos in our midst," Gavin said.

"Jack said he wanted to send them in tomorrow night," Ray told him. "Once they gather enough information they want to come for you."

Gavin tensed and all color drained from his face.

"Geoff wants to-"

"To drag you out of here," Ray elaborated. "No harm to you, but they want to sneak in here and steal you away in the night. Just how you made them believe happened to you before. Honestly, fair."

Nobody protested against that.

"They want to avoid any bloodshed, there's at least that," Ray went on. "Still, they are more than ready to take out Michael or me if we stand in their way."

"Michael would come back," Gavin muttered to himself. "I don't know about you tho-"

Gavin stopped right in time to catch Ray's hand before it connected with his face.

Michael hadn't even noticed when Ray had gotten up, but he could be fast if he wanted to. Apparently, he had crossed the distance in little more than a heartbeat because he was now towering over Gavin, his arm raised.

"Don't you dare," he spat. "Neither of us goes back to the Nether!"

Gavin stared at him, still holding on to his hand and couldn't get a word out.

It took another moment until Ray shook himself and lowered his arm.

"Forgive me, there was no need to get violent, but don't talk like that. None of us will die."

"I didn't mean it like that," Gavin whispered. He still had his shoulders pulled around his ears, but made an effort to relax again. "It was just meant as an assurance."

For a second Michael was sure Ray would punch him now. He balled his hands to fist at his sides, but instead of raising them, he took a deep breath.

Honestly, Michael didn't even feel hurt by the comment. He felt like someone outside looking in, like watching a play unfold. It was just another confirmation, one he didn't need. He was once again reminded of chess.

The swift knight, able to sneak past other pieces to get closer to their goal and if they got taken out along the way? Well, there was a second one to be used.

So what was he? A rook? Strong and only moving in a straight line, not checking for another path, just following orders. Able to kill the opposite King-

"Geoff will revoke your title," Ray blurted out, and maybe he should've just punched Gavin. With how he went rigid; it might've hurt less. "He doesn't find you suitable as an heir anymore."

"That is no surprise." Gavin pressed the words through his clenched teeth. It sounded like he nearly choked on them.

"Allow the servants to leave," Michael found himself saying and both of them turned to look at him. "Get back on Geoff's good side. Right now it looks like you're hiding behind unarmed civilians."

"Everyone in here followed me willingly-"

"Geoff can turn that against you in a heartbeat. The great Oracle, holding innocent men and women hostage to avoid a conflict."

"Nobody will believe him. Not with my rumors-"

"Geoff will move before any rumors can spread," Ray interrupted him. "We're losing, Gavin-"

"We're not!" Defiant. He sounded like a child, but that wasn't quite it. No, Gavin was scared and Michael could understand why. Everything they worked up to could easily crash down on them.

But while they were trying to control the damage, Gavin was holding on tight to any scrap of control he could get his hands on.

Ray must have seen it as well because he didn't move. He still stood next to Gavin and took deep breaths as if to calm down. When he finally shook his head, he didn't look Gavin in the eyes.

"I will go and lay down now. I'm sorry, but I can't think with how tired I am. I get the feeling that thinking is more important right now."

Nobody stopped him when he stormed off. Michael didn't even turn to watch him leave, he just kept his gaze on Gavin who also didn't move. He was still standing by the window and looked like he would continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

"You're losing everything right now." It was cruel saying it so bluntly, and he watched Gavin press his lips together. "Don't lose us as well."

"I can't lose."

"You can, that's the problem. If you die you'll start again. We don't have that fallback plan." He made a gesture to the walls outside of the window. "Neither do those out there either. Your plan revolves around many, many lives. Consider that in your decisions."

He left him standing there, but he wasn't sure if his words would mean a thing. For Gavin, the fear of death was only the fear of failure. He knew that afterward, things would continue. A new beginning, yes, but at least something.

Neither of them had that knowledge and he wasn't quite ready to lose his life only to be another failure in Gavin's cycle.

He stepped into Ray's room without much thinking and half expected to find him already asleep, but he was just sitting on his bed. With sluggish movements he kicked his boots off and honestly, he looked a minute away from just laying down like that.

"It's rare to see you lose your cool like that," Michael commented, and Ray frowned.

"I'm not going back to the Nether. Not for Gavin, not for anyone. No way I'm doing that again." His eyes darted up, dark and intense. "You also won't go there. I won't let that happen."

Ray was terrified, and Michael couldn't remember ever seeing him like that. Not even after he had drunk the tea and laid dying on his bed. Right now the thought of going back outright terrified him. And thinking about it now, they had kinda brushed past everything that had happened, right? Ray had been back and things were good like that. There had been no time to truly grasp that Ray had walked through hell to return; that Ray had died, been dead, and now was walking again. That had to be some kind of trauma, but there was no time for that.

With a huff, Ray laid down and curled up on top of the blanket. "Fuck, just forget it all. I'm just tired and sad."

"Sad?"

"I don't like listening in on Geoff, it feels wrong," he muttered. "He sounds so sad and that makes me sad. He says sad things and I have to tell Gavin those things and see him grow sad. Everything... everything is just sad. I'm just sad."

He turned away, hid his face in the pillows, but Michael had a feeling that right now Ray was very, very close to breaking. Of course, the stress was getting to him, and then all those days without being able to rest, it would wear anyone down.

Sitting down on his bedside, he let a hand rest on Ray's back and felt him tremble.

"Ray?" he asked, and while there was no noise coming from him, he knew the other was listening.

"Would you run away with me?"

Gavin pressed the signet ring into the hot wax until the Ramsey emblem left a clear imprint and sealed the letter shut. There was no secret message inside, it was nothing more than a single sentence and even in the wrong hands it would do no harm, but Geoff would understand.

_Do you believe me now?_

An easy threat disguised as a simple message. One wouldn't think it had taken him hours to decide on it, but it had.

There were other letters strewn around, different messages that would lead to different endings. One would tell Geoff about the rumors he had strewn everywhere, but of course Geoff already knew about that. One was accusing, reminding Geoff that he was his son.

_Don't you love me? Just give in._

Childish. Afterward, he had offered to let go of the servants and maids of the residence. Pretend they were his hostages so that he could show his good will. That had been Michael's voice in the back of his head, but letting go of men his defenses so desperately needed-

He had tried to explain himself. To tell the story he should've told Geoff ages ago, but the words wouldn't come. They never did; there wasn't enough paper in the world to write it all down anyway.

He also considered a letter to Jeremy, but his feather didn't even reach the paper. There was nothing he could say to make it better, to even begin explaining; so Gavin had given up.

This message though was easy. Trying to intimidate Geoff and his men, avoid the infiltration until-

Until he got another idea. Until the rumors unnerved Geoff. Until Geoff would just give in.

Gavin didn't know what the future actually held now; every time he tried to it was like a black wall. The enormity of it left him breathless.

When he got up from his desk, he took his discarded tries and threw them in the fire. The flames would take them away and with them any form of weakness, of doubt.

He just had to get going and force his own ending.

Ray wasn't around. He had laid down, taking Estrelle with him which was unfortunate, but Gavin hadn't protested. Ray had raised his hand against him. That had sent a shock through him, reminding him of too many times when others had done so as well, but never Ray.

No, the fact that Ray had done so had left him feeling chastised, like he deserved it. 

_"You're losing everything right now. Don't lose us as well."_

Michael's words were scary. Didn't want to think about them. He didn't want to think about a lot of words lately, but that was also something to dwell on later. Right now he pulled his cloak on and tried to fasten it. It was harder than it looked, too many layers and too much fabric that seemed to be needed. No Ray, who had done it so often that it looked like second nature. 

In the end, it wasn't perfect, but he figured he'd done a good enough job, and with the golden eye on his forehead, he felt better. His form of armor.

Stepping out of his room, he realized Michael wasn’t around, and Gavin didn't know where he had gone to. He wouldn't look for him, not with how Michael had looked at him before leaving his room.

There was something new in his eyes; something Gavin didn't quite recognize. A steadiness he had missed after Jeremy's death, but mixed with something else when he looked at him. Pity?

The guards at the bottom of the stairs bowed when he stepped past them, one of those few he recognized. They had also watched over his part of the castle. Two of their colleagues were in Geoff's dungeon, awaiting trial. 

Thinking how many people counted on him right now made his throat all tight, and wasn't it easier to think of them as pawns then? On how he could move them to get the victory in the end.

Maybe.

Outside the sun was just starting to set and still, people were waiting for him, storming towards him. The troublesome nobles who just wanted to talk to assure themselves of their place, of their riches, gold, and importance.

He ignored them in favor of the person he was looking for.

Alfredo. He hadn't talked to him since his arrival, but he knew that Ray and Michael had. Finding him wasn't hard, by the looks of it he was just returning from his shift up on the wall. 

"Prince Gavin."

Huh. Most people here called him Oracle, not by his official title.

"I request your assistance for a mission tonight." He spoke loud to make sure that those around him could hear as well. It would help ease their mind. "Tonight King Geoff will send in spies through the waste disposal to infiltrate this safe haven. I want you to deliver this letter to them."

He held the letter out and Alfredo didn't hesitate in taking it. 

"Should I only send them back with the letter or..?"

"There is no need for violence. Disrupting the King's plan will hurt more than enough." It had to. Maybe it would be enough to make Geoff reconsider his claims. If Geoff would believe that he could see the future, he could have another chance to talk.

"As you wish, your Highness."

* * *

"Michael? Are you listening?"

He wasn't, not really, but he nodded anyway. Last night after Ray fell asleep, he himself had slept like the dead. He couldn't remember the last time where he had slept through a night without any dreams or quick detours to make sure everyone was safe. Not tonight though. After laying down he had been done for. If the noises of a new day hadn't come through his window, who knew how long he would've slept.

A part of him still felt exhausted, but all in all, he did feel better. He still couldn't bother to listen to Gavin today, but that was fine as well. There were more important things to think about.

So he ignored the way Ray was watching him like he could read his mind. After a moment Gavin continued to talk.

In his mind, he could see his mother on her chair as she worked her needles. Her skirt had felt cool and soft underneath his cheek when he had leaned his head against her legs. After he had been gone, what had she sewn? If he hadn't constantly ripped his clothes, what had she been up to? Had she missed him?

"-the letter might cause enough restlessness among Geoff's peo-"

Make your choice and stick to it, but that was a lie, wasn't it? His mother hadn't actually told him that. No, on that day when he had cried into her lap and she stroked through his hair, she had said something else.

 _"It's useless to cry about some things, love."_ Her hands in his, and he hadn't wanted to go. He wanted to stay in this empty house and play hide and seek with no one else, as long as he could also sit by her feet when he grew tired. 

_"When a choice has been made you have to see it through."_

A choice had been made. He had been sent off and at some point, he had turned her words into something else. Had pretended it had been his decision. And how he had to work hard toward his goal. Work hard to make money, to restore the family name, but that wasn't what he had wanted, right?

He had worked hard in hopes of coming back home, but it had never happened.

_"Listen, Michael. If you work hard you can come back faster than you'd believe!"_

Just lies, but he was used to those, after all, he had also lied to himself. He was so deep in them, that realizing that left him all shaken and weak. It was cathartic in some way.

"Gavin."

He interrupted someone, probably Gavin himself, but that was alright.

His mother faded from his inner eyes. She wasn't sitting in her rocking chair anymore under the winter sun, no, it was Gavin now. Sunbeams reflected on gold and violet robes instead of silver needles.

"I'm out," Michael found himself saying. "I'm gonna go away. Somewhere. I don't really know, just away. I don't want to stay here, I need to get out. Too many bad things are happening here."

He wanted to find a place like the courtyard where nothing bad had happened. A place like that didn't exist because the bad things also clung to him, he was dragging them along and he didn't want to forget about them. No, what he had done, he had done and nothing would change that.

But staying here also wouldn't help anybody. There had to be more out there, better things.

Choices; he figured that was the main thing. He wanted to find choices for himself, he wanted to live without someone looming above him. Maybe then he would find a way out of his guilt. If there even was one, it certainly wasn't here, he knew that now. He knew it too well.

"I'm not asking for permission, but after all those years it's only fair to tell you beforehand. When night falls I will sneak out here and search for something else. I think... I think I've done enough for you. It's enough. I'm done."

He had expected Gavin to yell at him, to call him a traitor, accusing him of leaving him behind after all these years. He had also expected him to break down, to cry because he had seemed so fragile in the past few days and Michael wasn't sure what would be worse.

He loved Gavin, Gavin was his friend, but over time all of that had been tainted by the Oracle and it was also tainting him. If he didn't stop it now, he never would.

Gavin did none of the things. Michael watched as the first shock faded, but honestly, he didn't look surprised. Sad, yeah but not surprised or angry. Michael's heart was beating so fast, his fingertips felt numb.

"Alright."

No words trying to get him to stay, no accusations or anything. Just Gavin accepting his decision. Michael's knees went weak with it.

With a nod towards him, Michael left Gavin's room and entered his own. His bag was already on his bed, he had thrown it there after waking up and remembering his decision. He had not yet bothered doing anything further. Now he grasped the few clothes he had brought with him and folded them neatly. He would also have to take his cloak, but not his casual one. That one was too prestigious for- wherever he would be going. That was another thing, he didn't know where he was going and the question dared to freeze his hands.

He fought against it as long as he could, but eventually, he found himself on his knees, gasping for breath.

What was he even doing? He should get back up, go back to Gavin, and apologize! Right here was where he belonged after all, in this and his previous life. After everything he had done, he was also going to throw the last of his friends away? What right did he have to start anew if he had taken everything from Jeremy? If he had ended someone's life, how could he think about beginning a new one on his own?

Michael started to cry. He thought he might also throw up or just die on the spot. His stomach was turning and he felt like he was free falling. There was nothing to hold onto, not if he'd just cast everything he had ever known out of the window and his lungs were heaving in a desperate attempt to get air down.

How long he'd sat there, he didn't know. For all he cared, he would sit there until the end of time. That was less scary than a wrong or right decision, wasn't it? None at all?

Two arms wrapped around his middle, just to hold and not to squeeze, and he cried until he got the feeling he was nothing more than this pile on the floor. 

When he finally opened his blurry eyes, everything hurt. He was stiff and his knees ached and he was thirsty of all things. 

Ray was still sitting behind him, his face buried in his back and holding him.

"Why is life so scary if we can't even decide to be born or not?"

"I don't know," Ray mumbled. "Because life also gifts us with unspeakable beauty, I guess."

Yeah, probably.

He rubbed his face clean and Ray helped him sit down on his bed instead of the cold hard floor. He also held his hand until it stopped shaking and the feeling of free falling eased.

“I’m scared,” Michael admitted, and wasn’t that true for everything right now?

“You would be stupid if you weren’t. I'm scared as well. We all know that this will end in bloodshed and heartbreak."

Ray sat down in front of him if only to lay his head in Michael's lap. That was good, the proximity helped Michael calm down and he let his hands brush through too dark hair until his head started spinning.

"Why did you never answer me?" Michael asked and felt Ray sigh.

"Because this is your decision, isn’t it? I didn't want to change that with my answer." He looked up to him then. "You chose this way without my influence, you chose it from the bottom of your heart. And Michael, that makes me so proud."

Michael held his face in his hand, brushing strands of hair behind his ears and tried to prepare himself for the heartbreak.

"But you won't follow me."

"I can't. I'm sorry."

And there it was, these dreaded words laying at the tip of his tongue. _Then I'll stay._

It was hard enough to keep them inside like this, yesterday when he had been so rubbed raw if Ray had told him then, he didn't think he would've been brave enough to take this step.

There was a warmth blooming inside the heartbreak and he leaned down to press a kiss to the top of Ray's head.

"Thank you."

They began to pack, a life in a single bag, but that was alright. There were a lot of things to think about, doubts to have, but for once Michael's head was empty, calm. His heart hurt though with each glance he threw Ray. He was ready to lose things in exchange for his freedom, even if it were those who were dearest to him.

He couldn't help but wonder if things would be different if Jeremy hadn't died. If Ray could forgive him for what he had done, but then again, he didn't want that.

Things had happened and he didn't have the power to change them anymore, no matter how much he wanted to.

Outside the sun was setting, the hours disappearing like sand and he kept his eyes downcast. It was quiet in the room as they worked next to each other and when Michael finally threw the bag over his shoulder, he couldn't even begin to describe how he was feeling. He didn't think he had the words for this tightness in his chest and the exhilarating excitement.

It all died down when he found Ray standing by the door, hands empty because there was nothing left to do than say goodbye, and Michael dreaded this moment.

Come with me. Another sentence that died before it lived because Ray had accepted his decision and so would he.

"When all this blows over we can see each other again," he said, and Ray smiled, letting him have this little lie.

"That would be nice."

But it wouldn't happen, they both knew it. If Gavin got out of this with the crown, he would be King, and Ray would become his counselor. There was no time to search for him. Michael also wouldn't come crawling back after the battle was over.

If Geoff won, and Michael suspected he would, Ray would either die within these walls or hang in front of the castle. The eternal scapegoat. The thought nearly got him to say those dreaded words again. He got the feeling that if he begged Ray, if he could reach out and pull on his hand, Ray might follow. There were unshed tears in Ray's eyes that made Michael's throat tight.

"Hey..." He went to touch Ray's arm, not to pull, but to comfort, but Ray pressed himself against the door like he wanted to bodily keep him from leaving.

"All that might happen in these next few days doesn't scare me, but you leaving..." Ray breathed out, but didn't breathe in. Like he was too full, like there was no space for even air left in him.

 _I'll stay._ Michael pressed his lips together to keep the words inside, even if they dared to choke him.

"You were always there, for as long as I can remember," Ray whispered. "I don't remember the faces of my parents or their voices. Our little hut was dark and cold, but even that is blurry. But you... you were there on that day I came to the castle. You stood there and you looked as scared as I felt, but then you smiled."

Michael also remembered that day, could still feel the fear of leaving everything behind that he had ever known and being there alone. He had felt so lonely that he had held on to Ray with all his might and he had never planned to let go.

"I don't know what my life would be like without you."

Ray kissed him, and he tasted like tears. Michael didn't think he was crying, but he couldn't bother to open his eyes and find out. It wouldn't change a thing anyway because all he could do right now was wrap his arms around Ray and press him against the door.

Like he wanted to take away his one chance to escape, like they could stay here forever and if this whole building burned down around them, it would be fine.

But that wasn't the case and their desperate press of lips faded into something softer, something meant to comfort, to hold onto.

"I'll stay." This time the words slipped out without him able to stop them.

Thankfully Ray shook his head and forgave him for his weakness.

"Gavin and I are ready to die here, but to know that you are out there, alive, eases my mind."

Ray pulled him in, just to hold him tight and Michael buried his face in the crook of his neck. His bag felt heavy, heavier than his sword, but he didn't put it down.

"Will you smile again if we meet in the next life?" Ray asked him and he wanted to laugh. Of course, he would.

"I will. I promise."

And Ray, wonderful, kind Ray, let him go and stepped aside. Michael pressed one more kiss against the top of his head as if that would ever convey all the gratefulness he felt towards him and opened the door.

Outside Gavin was waiting for him and somehow he hadn't expected that. After he hadn't screamed at him, hadn't called him awful things, he had expected to just walk out of here and never see each other again, but here they were. Michael didn't know what to tell him.

He was sorry, he felt guilty, but on the other hand, he didn't. There were so many things to tell Gavin, things he should consider and all the instances where he had lost his way... but he also wanted to thank him.

It was all such a turmoil that he came up with nothing.

"Here," Gavin said in his stead and pressed something into his hands. It was a little pouch made out of soft leather and Michael could feel coins inside it. "This isn't nearly enough. There aren't enough riches out there to repay you for what you have done for me, but I don't want you to go hungry."

He hadn't yet worried about money, that was the least of his concerns, but he nodded.

"Thank you."

Gavin made a careful step towards him like he wasn't quite sure where they stood with each other, and Michael wasn't sure either, but for once he saw Gavin. No cloak, just him and his stupid scarf. If things had stayed like that, Michael would've gladly died for him.

Not like this though.

Still, he stepped forward and pulled him into a hug, because after all those years that was the least he could do.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and Gavin repeated the same words back at him. Good. That was better than what he had expected. Yet no matter how hard Gavin was shaking in his arms, it didn't change his resolve. Not after he had already come too far.

"Michael," Gavin whispered into his ear and he closed his eyes. "If I... If I have to restart... I won't look for you guys. The next time I can do it on my own. You deserve better than this."

Michael breathed out, but wasn't sure what to say to that, he wasn't even sure what he felt, and when Gavin pressed his head against his, he just held him tight. 

There had been good days. Days under the bright sun running around the garden, catching bugs, eating tasty food, and laughing.

The days had grown rarer and Michael didn't think they would return. They were lost, and while he still held them dear, he would have to search for better days out there.

He wouldn't find them at Gavin's side. Not right now and not in the future.

"Watch out for yourself," Gavin told him, and Michael let him go.

"You too. Both of you."

They were both watching him, standing in the hallway that was only illuminated by the moonlight. The sun was already gone and Michael wasn't sure where the time had gone, but soon Ray would walk around to light the torches and fires and candles, just like always. So familiar that Michael would think of it as home, but he couldn't stay.

For his sake, he ripped his eyes from them and began his own way.

* * *

"You were supposed to keep this on you," Ray said.

They had retreated into his room and sitting up on the window sill, Gavin had watched the outside. Maybe not the sky for once, or the wall or the lush kingdom beneath. He had his eyes downcast, hoping to find a sign of Michael somewhere, but he hadn't yet.

Now he turned around and found Ray picking up the dagger Michael had given him from his bedside table.

"I'm keeping it close."

"Keeping it close isn't keeping it on you."

"I don't like weapons."

Ray weighted the blade between two fingers before spinning around and throwing it. The dagger painted a beautiful arc before embedding itself into the wood of the wardrobe with a satisfying _thud ._

"Since when can you do that?"

"Alfredo showed me. It's fun." Stepping up to the wardrobe, Ray pulled the dagger out and walked to the opposite side of the room to try again.

"I didn't think you'd let Michael go like that,” Ray said, nearly casually.

 _Thud._ The dagger vibrated and they both waited to see if it’d fall, but it stayed, barely stuck in the wood.

"What has the wardrobe ever done to you?"

"It's Lady Reese's isn't it?"

That startled a laugh out of him.

"You're right! Please continue."

Ray grinned at him before pulling the dagger out. He was on the way back before Gavin spoke, "I don't own Michael."

"True." _Thud._ "But to lose such an important piece in your plan?"

Michael wasn't a chess piece, at least that's what he'd always wanted to believe, but maybe he was just very good at lying, even to himself.

"I think I lost him no matter what." _Thud._ "This way I at least know he's out there."

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you go with him? I always figured you two..." He wasn't quite sure how to word it and maybe it wasn't needed. Ray seemed to know what he meant and when he threw the dagger again, it was with enough force to bury it to the hilt in the wardrobe.

Even Ray seemed to be surprised by that but he quickly hid it. "He did ask me, but I refused."

"Why?"

Ray struggled to pull out the dagger this time and when he finally did, the wood around splintered. He didn't seem to mind.

"This is where I belong," he just said, and for a while he didn't add to it. Just continued to throw his dagger as if he had a personal vendetta against the wardrobe. It had been a pretty piece of furniture with detailed carvings and soft colors, but not anymore.

"I didn't think there was a place where I belonged," Ray muttered eventually. "It certainly wasn't on that farm with my parents, nor with the warriors." _Thud._ "But you gave me one. So I'll stay."

When he pulled the dagger out this time, he turned to Gavin and he didn't know what to say. His chest was tight, and when Ray came closer to hand him the dagger, he sat up to hug him instead.

It made Ray laugh.

"You're really not one for fighting. You don't hug someone who has a pointy object in their hands."

But of course, Ray had moved the dagger out of the way and Gavin held him so much tighter.

"Thank you, Ray."

"Yeah, no problem." He hugged back, buried his face in Gavin's hair to soak up the comfort for a moment. Just because Ray didn't show it openly, Gavin knew this whole thing was also taking its toll on him and that Michael leaving hit him maybe even harder than anything else. Gavin couldn't remember ever seeing the two of them separated.

But then it was already over and Ray was pulling back to hold the dagger under his nose.

"Keep it on you."

"Alright, alright."

They fell into the same comfortable silence as before and Gavin rested his head against the window frame. It was hard to see the courtyard from this high up, but he figured Michael had already left the residence or had at least used the underground tunnels to get to one of the exits. He would have little problem sneaking through Geoff's guards outside.

So Gavin turned his attention back up, up to the Guiding Star, and was he really surprised to see it flickering? No, it had flickered for the past few days along with his heart.

The door was pushed open and he turned around. At first, he feared it was Ray leaving, but Ray was crouched before the fireplace, and then- then hope burst in his chest because Michael had to have returned! Michael hadn't left him, had changed his mind, and would remain at his side. That was all he wanted!

"Michael!"

It wasn't Michael. In his shock, Gavin nearly slipped from the window sill.

"Gavin."

Geoff. Geoff was standing in the doorway of this room. That didn't make sense. Just yesterday he must have gotten the letter, wasn't he scared? Didn't he doubt himself at least a little?

What was he doing here?

Gavin opened his mouth to ask him, but nothing came out. It felt like his heart was missing a beat. Everything was just a bit off and there was also Jack and how...?

His guards up on the wall, the guards by the staircase and-

Ray recovered faster than him. He was jumping to his feet, letting the firewood go and pulling his sword in one fluent movement.

"Stop!" Gavin cried out. Geoff was also pulling his sword, though, and they crashed and there was suddenly so much noise.

He was still reeling from the shock, couldn't quite keep up and Ray was just so fast, didn't even try to go for Geoff, but past him, to reach Jack-

The hilt of Geoff's sword hit him in the back and with a grunt, Ray retreated, only to charge once more.

"Stop it! Don't hurt him!" Gavin called. Nobody was listening. He tried to reach for Ray, but he was already crashing into Geoff. Gavin wasn't sure what happened next, but Ray's sword flew from his hands and then he was suddenly on the floor, Geoff's blade against his throat.

"The portal gave you back your arm," Geoff said while Ray glared up to him. "But it can't change the fact that you missed out on a decade of training."

Gavin took another step without knowing what for. Maybe to separate them. Geoff swirled around and now the sword was pointed at him. Lifting his hands, Gavin stopped and with him everything else in the room. It grew quiet and after all that noise it was eerie. He was still trying to catch up with what had just happened, with where the fuck Geoff had suddenly come from when his eyes fell on the sword.

The Ramsey sword once again pointed against him. This time by Geoff. It made bile rise in his throat.

"I'm surprised you didn't see us coming after the stunt you pulled last time," Geoff told him. Gavin nearly scoffed. He took a step back, away from that cursed blade, and let his hands sink. Geoff didn't close the distance.

"I told you it's not that easy, Geoff."

"I bet."

Ray had given up his struggle, it was useless with the way Jack had grabbed him. He was also looking at Gavin. Still attentive, still ready to come to his aid. Gavin just had to find a way how to.

"What's going to happen now?" he asked, trying to sound calmer than he was. His heart was beating so hard, his vision blurred.

"We'll take you back home. and I would like you to cooperate with me on that part."

"Home." It took everything in him not to spit that word. He wouldn't return home, not like this. "Then what?"

"We'll get you that help you need, Gavin," Geoff assured him. "Something is... wrong, buddy. But I'm sure we can work it out. Then you don't have to be so scared anymore."

Not be scared? What a damn joke! He couldn't remember the last time he hadn't been scared, least of all in that cursed castle of false smiles and whispers. Then again, Geoff had never bothered to look too close, had he? 

"What about the crown?"

"Once we return I will strip you from your title. You're no longer royalty."

Oh.

Oh, he had known that of course. Ray had told him, but- but hearing it from Geoff hurt more than he had anticipated. He could still remember how Geoff had offered him the crown, how he had pulled him in, and how unbearably proud both of them had been.

Just a distant memory, maybe another lie. It got hard to remember when he had lied and when he hadn't. He pressed a hand against his forehead as if that would help to get everything in order.

"I fucked it all up again," he whispered. "I lost it all."

"No, buddy." _Buddy._ "Just because you lost the crown, doesn't mean you're not family anymore. I want you back home, Gavin."

Geoff let his sword sink and Gavin couldn't help but stare at him. "After all of this you would still..."

"Of course I would," he told Gavin. "You're family."

Family. Wasn't that good enough? To just live together with Geoff, no weight of the crown, no court meetings where they would ridicule him. Just the two of them.

Then his eyes fell back on Ray down on the floor, of Jack holding him there, and he knew it wasn't like that, that there would be consequences. Maybe Geoff could forgive him, maybe that wasn’t a lie, but the others? The same old warriors of the castle, the court,... Jack.

"I can't do that."

"What?"

"I can't come back home, not with how it currently is. They would think of me as a traitor, they would hunt me down."

"Should've thought about that before pulling a stunt like this," Jack threw in, and while Geoff shushed him, Gavin nearly laughed. At least a single truth in this whole mess.

"Gavin, you will be under my protection," Geoff told him and this time he couldn't keep the laugh in. It nearly tore apart his heart because it truly sounded like Geoff believed his own words.

"I always was, wasn't I?" he asked. "Always your little buddy. Always jumping to my defense if someone dared to raise their voice at me. You gave me guards to look after me, and you gave me friends that are meant to die in my stead, but you know what, Geoff? You know what? It didn't stop a thing! They just did it secretly!"

The lines on his shoulders, long healed, but now they burned like they had that night.

BASTARD

Child of Misfortune

"You have no idea what goes on in that castle of yours, Geoff."

It looked like that was actual news for Geoff. Maybe it was, Gavin hadn't bothered telling him the things people did to him at some point. After the attack in the garden and how there had been no consequences. At some point Michael, Ray, and Jeremy protected him more than his father.

"I have lost, I see that now. It was a desperate attempt in the first place, but I had to try."

"Try to take my crown and destroy my reputation? Try to nearly kill me?"

"It was never about the crown, not for me, but there are bigger things going on, Geoff." So much bigger. Once again he hadn't slain his monster. Knowing that weighed so heavy on him, that he feared he would just completely break apart. "At least the aftermath is better this time. Michael is safe, you are still alive, and Ray is by my side."

But Ray wasn't safe. He was still held down by Jack and Gavin knew that Geoff couldn't allow him back in the castle, not with how he was a traitor.

Ray was still watching him, waiting, and the least Gavin could do was to protect him.

"Banish me," Gavin demanded. "Send me and Ray away and I'll promise you'll never see us again."

"So that you go to Werringthal this time and try to start a war?" Geoff asked. "Your influence as an Oracle went far beyond the borders of this kingdom. I won't let you leave my supervision."

"Those are my conditions to give up, Geoff."

"I don't think you know the position you're in. You lost, Gavin, and if you don't follow me out of here willingly, I will have to use force."

Ray threw himself forward to try and get free, to maybe reach for Jack's axes or something, but he was dragged back. Geoff turned at the tumult, turning his back to him and someone else might know how to use the opening, but Gavin didn't. All he could do was watch and for a terrifying moment he was sure Geoff was just going to strike Ray down. Jack had his hand buried in Ray's hair, pulling his head back at a painful angle and if he just yanked-

"Don't hurt him!" Gavin cried out and pulled his dagger. The dagger Michael had given him, the dagger Ray had handed to him just minutes prior. When Geoff turned towards him, his eyes widened.

"Put your weapon down."

Gavin just shook his head, holding on to the dagger with both hands. Ray had made it look easy, but the hilt didn't feel right in his hands, too slippery, too cold.

"Both Ray and Michael are innocent. They acted on my words alone and didn't have a choice!"

"Put it down."

"You have to promise me that you won't hurt them!"

Michael was right; if he died he would just reset, but for the others there would be consequences. He knew that if Geoff got Ray - he would hang.

"Gavin, they are traitors-"

"I made them do it!"

"They will get a fair trial-" Geoff lowered his sword and lifted his empty hand to calm him down. Gavin barely heard him over his beating heart.

"Promise me!"

"I can't promise that! You can't destroy everything I built and endanger so many lives and then expect me to just give in like that! Gavin, do you have any idea how close to war you brought us!"

That wasn't true. Even if Geoff screamed it at him, he had only gone to Rhyst for additional men, not to cause a war.

"Queen Belatrice would've never followed through with my demands, I knew that."

"You gambled! You gambled with so many lives!"

"I-" He trailed off because he couldn't dismiss it. It was one of the things that had driven Michael away. It was necessary if he wanted to win! Geoff though, Geoff was looking at him like he was disappointed. Gavin felt tears leak from his eyes. This right here wasn't what he had wanted, this pain and hate, the way Geoff looked at him like he barely recognized him.

Why hadn't he listened? If Geoff had only listened, he would've understood!

"I want to apologize, Geoff. I want to apologize, but it would do nothing," he said and took a step towards Geoff. "What I did can't be excused, but please believe me. Deep down I truly believe I had to do this."

"You had everything you could've ever wanted and threw it away."

No. No, that wasn't the case.

"I had this one chance because something went wrong, something made it so that I remembered. I had to try to find an end, I had to try with all my might even if I hurt those closest to me. If I become King it will end. If I manage to get the crown and survive, I don't have to be scared anymore."

He was close enough to grasp Geoff's wrist, to feel how his pulse was beating under his fingertips and still... still Geoff stared at him like nothing made sense. It broke Gavin's heart.

A treacherous voice in the back of the head whispered that he could just get rid of Geoff now. The one who killed the King becomes the next one, but the thought alone saddened him.

No.

He had lost. He had truly lost after everything he had done and he didn't think he could fix this timeline anymore. What a shame. All this work and all these tears for nothing.

"I'm sorry."

Lifting the dagger, he was ready to reset. To just hope that Geoff would take his words to heart and let Ray go. To hope that next time around, things would be better.

Geoff slapped the dagger from his hand. He let the Ramsey sword drop for it, for him. Oh, how damn symbolic. Then he was grasping his face, tight enough that Gavin couldn't move anymore.

"What are you doing?" Geoff yelled at him, pinning his hand down so all Gavin could do was stare up at him. Those blue eyes, now pale with worry. He was so sorry for the pain in them. By the Gods, how much he loved them.

Enough for this life and the one before. Yeah, for one more afterward. He was sure of it.

"What do you think-"

There was a grunt of pain, movement, but Gavin couldn't see, not with how Geoff was still holding him. Then abruptly Ray was there. Ray diving for the dagger, holding it easily between two fingers, and Gavin understood. He understood. Nearly wanted to laugh as he pushed Geoff away from him.

It hurt.

When Ray hurled the dagger towards him it hurt. Something like being punched. A punch hard enough to instantly leave a bruise. Gavin felt his knees buckle.

This time Geoff was there, wrapping his arm around his middle to steady him. That was nice, but his eyes were on Ray. Ray who just stood there, staring at him like he couldn't quite believe what he had done.

Gavin couldn't get enough breath into his lungs to thank him, but he hoped he knew.

"Don't touch it!" Geoff cried out. Gavin hadn't even noticed that he had reached for the dagger. For the first time, he looked down and was a little surprised by the amount of blood there was.

In the next moment he was sitting down, Geoff wrapped around him and pressing a hand against his wound. That hurt and Gavin pulled a face, but he reached for his scarf, wrapped it around his wrist. That always calmed him down. Not today. Just like with the wardrobe, the dagger had sunken into his chest to the hilt and had cut part of the scarf.

That was sad because the scarf was his. Just like the golden eye was the Oracle and the green cloak that resembled Geoff's own so much was the Crown Prince. The scarf though, yeah, that was him.

He wanted to tell Geoff so, had to make sure he understood, but all that came out was, "The scarf-"

"Stay awake!" Geoff gasped out. Wrenched his hand from the scarf, but only to hold it in his. That was fine.

He looked up to Geoff and at least this was a better ending, after all, Geoff was holding him so tightly.

"I'll try again. I'll do something different," he whispered. "You're still alive, it's already better than before. I'll get it right eventually."

"Gavin!"

Geoff pulled him closer and that made everything dark. That was also okay because his eyelids were so heavy- He let them fall shut, but Geoff's warmth was still there, he could even smell the scents sprinkled onto him and oh, that reminded him of his childhood. Of lazy evenings in front of Geoff's fire when he had played with his toys.

People were yelling horrible, horrible things, and that was scary. Even now, enveloped by Geoff, it scared him. His chest hurt, and it was growing cold. It felt like going away, like leaving his family behind. Gavin wanted to cry. He wanted to go back to laying on the fur in front of the fire, listening to Geoff's stories. He wanted to go back to the space between the hedges in the garden and the castle walls.

Back then, he had been happy.

But it was alright in the end, wasn't it? In just a few moments he would drop out of the portal and skin his knees on fresh grass. It would be scary, being brought into the world always was, but in just a few days, if he just slept for a bit-

He would wake up with Geoff kneeling over him and the crown would be as golden as the rising sun.

* * *

The first few steps were terrifying. With each one he took Michael got the feeling his throat was swelling shut, forbidding him to breathe until he would collapse. Of course, that didn't happen and he walked down the stone steps with no one following him or calling out to him. He even passed the guards who just nodded in greeting. He had kinda expected them to stop him, ask him where he was going, and order him back to protect the Oracle. That didn't happen.

Downstairs he hesitated for a moment. Outside on the courtyard, there was a chance to be spotted by those annoying aristocrats who might expect a conversation from him, an update on Gavin or whatever. He barely got enough air into his lungs to go on, let alone to brush past them, so he instead headed further down, into the underground passages.

He wasn't... quite good with directions. He had never explored this part of the residence, but he would find the exit eventually. It was a laughable thought that after everything this would stop him.

Underground, the hallways were tight and bare. They weren't meant to be seen by anyone of importance. So they only had the bare minimum of torches. 

The narrowness didn't help to get air down his lungs and the quiet endlessness made his steps slower. He forced himself to move on because he knew if he stopped he would question himself. Even worse, he might just tell himself to go back up, to protect what was dear to him because what else was he supposed to do with his life?

When someone turned the corner, he actually jumped. It was a group of men, maybe coming in from the walls, maybe from somewhere else. They threw him a funny look, but all bowed their heads in respect. Would they still do that if they knew what he had done?

One of them stayed behind and while the light down here was shitty at best and didn't quite reach their face, Michael nearly laughed. Of course.

"Where are you going?" Alfredo asked him.

He had planned to escape through one of the waste disposal tunnels, the one behind the servants quarters. There was a second one but Michael couldn't remember where. Now though -

"Do you remember the gate where I brought you in?" Michael asked him, and Alfredo nodded. "Would you come with me? Lock it behind me?"

Alfredo watched him closely like he could read too much on his face. Ray could usually do it, but Ray knew him. Alfredo shouldn't, not with how little they actually knew each other, but-

"Are you running away?"

There was no reason to tell Alfredo the truth. It would just make things more complicated for him. Michael was so tired of lying.

"Yeah."

For another moment Alfredo just watched him and Michael stared back, he could take the judgment but he didn't think it would come.

"There is no honor in dying for something you don't believe in," Alfredo finally said. Michael could breathe a little easier. He didn't believe in what was happening here, not a single bit.

"Follow me. You're going the wrong way."

"I'm shit with directions."

"I'm not promising that I'll find it right away, but I do remember where we came up from."

Alfredo brushed past him, no further questions asked. Michael followed. He figured he should thank him, but honestly, he didn't think it was necessary as they departed down a dark corridor.

They didn't get far before he heard the hurrying steps. Down here they echoed, but even then he could tell that those were too many. This wasn't a servant who had forgotten something important, or a warrior too late for their shift on the wall. No hushed whispers, or yelling profanities, and the bad feeling crawled up his spine.

Alfredo felt it as well, because he pulled his sword and threw him a short glance.

"Follow this path until you reach that short staircase," he told him. "Down there you should eventually find the gate. I'll lock it later."

"You don't believe in this," Michael whispered.

"I believe in the riches the Oracle promised me." Alfredo winked at him. Before he turned back towards the main corridor. "Also I believe in revenge. And if those are the King's men, they took a dear friend of mine."

Oh.

Michael opened his mouth, but there was no time to unpack that now, to confess. In the next second he could see the first men hurry by. No, those weren't just the King's men. Up in the front were Geoff and Jack. For a second their eyes met. Michael knew exactly where they were going.

"No!" he called out, but Alfredo pushed him back, further down the darkness.

"Down the corridor. Hurry!"

He could, Michael realized. Just turn his back to all of this, run down into the belly of this residence. He had a good chance of getting out of here before anyone could realize he left..

Alfredo's sword clashed with another, one of the warriors that were sent after them. It knocked them back, but they were well trained, not the usual people Alfredo would engage with, and his killing strike was blocked by a shield.

There were too many, too many for Alfredo to fight alone. When Michael pulled his sword, his hand was steady. This right here was something he could believe in.

With a cry, he crashed into the warriors and under his swing, he could feel bones break.

"Gods be damned, Michael!" Alfredo called somewhere next to him, and Michael actually laughed.

"Keep up!" he replied. Like this was a game, like he didn't recognize the faces of the soldiers if he'd dared to look close enough. But this right here? Fighting for someone else, for himself, for something he could believe in? It was a thousand times better than lying, deceit, and too many masks to count.

It had been too long since he'd fought, much less been side by side with Alfredo. They had trained, but that was different. Still, they moved in tandem. One of them darted ahead when the other fell back, blocking deadly strikes from lances and axes to keep the other safe.

Michael couldn't remember the last time he had felt this free, this sure of himself.

He couldn't remember much, there wasn't much to it. Not a lot of thinking during a fight, thinking could lead to hesitation. Hesitation could lead to death. There were reflexes and instincts. The trust that Alfredo covered his back after he plunged Mogar in another body.

And Alfredo did, each and every time. Michael knew that he was laughing. Breathless and while none of this was funny, he was laughing because it was so easy. After everything he had gone through, this was nothing. This was what he had been born for, this natural talent to fight, the endless hours in the training fields. First against his fellow warriors, then Ray, then Jeremy, until Michael could barely hold his sword anymore.

The soldiers didn't have a chance.

When the last of them crumbled before him, nothing more than blood and bones, he turned around. Alfredo was catching his breath, but when he saw his wild grin, he huffed in amusement.

With the adrenaline racing through his veins, Michael was sure he could take out a dozen more men, maybe he could even charge after Geoff and stop him before he could reach the other two. Afterward, he could still-

"Jeremy?"

Alfredo was looking past him and Michael spun back around. Deep inside, he didn't want to but he had to. In the end, he always had to face his mistakes, and sure enough, someone was standing a bit further back. It was hard to make out their face because the torches close by were flickering faintly. Michael knew anyway.

Mogar had felt like a feather in his hand during the whole fight. Now it grew so heavy that it nearly pulled him down as well. The tip buried in the packed dirt beneath and Jeremy's eyes shone bright blue.

Ocean eyes, Michael thought absentmindedly even though he had never seen an ocean before.

Demon.

It crashed over them then, like a wave against the cliffside. Anger so scalding hot that he feared his skin would blister, pain bitter enough to nearly kill the torches around.

Michael had to lean on Mogar to stay on his feet.

By the time he could look up again, Jeremy had come closer and now there was no doubt it was him. The ocean eyes darted from him to Alfredo behind him, and back to him. The feelings pressing against Michael’s very soul wouldn't let up. They just got stronger and while the anger felt overwhelming, Michael could tell that it was just a cover. The pain beneath though, that one was real. Hurt, shock, sorrow; the things he had seen in Jeremy's eyes the last time they had met.

And he had never known what to do should he face Jeremy again. He had thought about it before. Had always been scared away. Dreamed in countless nightmares how he would charge at Jeremy without being able to stop himself.

Now as he stood here though, the decision was nearly easy. 

He let Mogar go and with a heavy thud, the sword landed in the dirt, making dust rise.

"You're alive!" Alfredo.

Michael would like to tell him that it was the same as with Ray. That Jeremy might be standing before them, but he had been dead, had walked through hell to return here.

He couldn't though, his lips sealed shut just like Jeremy hadn't been able to speak when he had struck him down. Unarmed and silent.

"You killed me," Jeremy said. The words just bubbling up like he had repeated them to himself countless times. Without actually believing them.

"Why?"

That was the question, wasn't it? Jeremy's question he was carrying in his heart. It made the oppressing feeling fade and the torches stopped flickering until the ocean eyes were gone.

Until it was only him and Jeremy and that question.

There was no answer to it. Michael could try to explain, could find excuses all he wanted. It wouldn't change a thing. He didn't truly believe that Jeremy was searching for an answer or if he was just so hurt that he had held on to whatever he could get his hands on.

Because it must have been awful, waking up all alone with everyone gone. All his friends gone, abandoning him for a distant star and lies.

Michael could apologize. That might just be worse than saying nothing. There was no apology for what had happened.

"I didn't know what else to do."

That was at least the truth, he could give Jeremy that even if he couldn't imagine it to be a very satisfying answer.

As it was now, Jeremy just frowned. There was something outright upset on his face and Michael knew he deserved that, that he couldn't take it away. Nobody but Jeremy himself could, but if Michael could help in some way-

"Like a coward!" Jeremy spat and his hands went to one of his axes.

Michael made no move to stop him.

"Yeah."

"I didn't take you for one, Michael!"

If that was meant to hurt him, it didn't. Michael had in the past weeks found out how big of a coward he truly was.

"You didn't even give me a chance! You didn't even say a thing! You just-" Jeremy's voice hitched and the noise made him flinch. He was the one who had caused it and he could barely look Jeremy in the eyes, but he forced himself to. If necessary he would take all those bad emotions, this new darkness inside of Jeremy if that could only help-

Pain struck through his body, hot and sudden like lightning. He stumbled away from the source, but Alfredo's hand pulled him further into the blade.

An attack from behind while he was unarmed. Ha, how fitting.

"Alfredo!" Jeremy made a step towards them, but then Alfredo was already pushing him away.

Michael crumbled to the floor. 

It hurt. It hurt like a bitch. He didn't think he could so much as breathe. Yet he did, he could see how every exhale made dust rise from the packed dirt.

"You killed Jeremy?" And where Jeremy's anger had been red hot, Alfredo's was cold. "You dared to look me in the eyes after that?"

Michael wanted to answer, to find the words, but he was still trying to breathe through the pain. His back was aflame, growing steadily warmer. From down here he could see Mogar, just a few feet away. If he could uncurl his arms he might be able to reach it. He made no move to.

"Was that a small detail you forgot to mention?"

Alfredo's boots stepped into his view.

"I thought you were avoiding talking about him because you were mourning!"

He had been. He had!

"Instead it was just disgusting guilt!"

Yeah, that had also been there. Still was. It felt like it filled his whole chest. Bracing himself against the ground, he pushed himself up and maybe he could at least apologize to Alfredo, but when he finally managed to look up, Alfredo was already lifting his sword.

Oh, and Michael had betrayed him, hadn't he? In horrible, horrible ways.

Ah.

He had really fucked up, hadn't he?

The second strike didn't hurt as much, which was strangely funny. There was pain, of course there was, after all the blade cut through his skin and muscles and bones but there was just a peak and then- then nothing.

Michael found himself back on the ground, breathing through gritted tears and felt hot and sticky. Like he had trained too much on a hot day. He also hadn't taken a break to drink and now he was feeling lightheaded.

But soon-

"Alfredo!"

Soon Ray would come and remind him.

"Stop!"

Or Jeremy. Yeah, Jeremy would call him an idiot and throw him a waterskin.

There he was, Michael could only see his boots, pushing another pair away.

"He killed you!"

"I know! I know, but-"

"He used me! He lied, he made me believe- he killed you!"

They were fighting above him, but it was hard to see in the little light he had. It was also getting harder to hear over the static in his head. He pushed himself up once more. There was blood in the space between his fingers; sticky, dark, and metallic.

Not very pleasant, but when he caught Jeremy's flailing hand, he didn't seem to mind. No, he just stared down at him, horrified, confused, and hurt. All thanks to him.

"I should've been your friend," Michael breathed. Hoped his voice was louder than it sounded to himself. Held on tighter to his hand, and Jeremy, wonderful Jeremy held on with both of his. Kneeled in front of him.

It reminded him of the last time they had been this close, but the memory was ugly and shameful. 

"Before anything else, I should've been your friend."

"Michael-"

"I wanted to."

Back on the training field. Behind the bushes in the gardens. How they had laughed!

And what a fool he'd been.

Still, Jeremy held on and as the pain and the heat passed, he grew a bit scared. Not as much as he figured he would be. Maybe he had grown a bit braver than before.

Then there was peace. A wonderful warmth that spread from their hands and filled his everything. It smelled like the clear nights just before winter, the old leather of training equipment. It was the space between the bushes and the wall where nobody would ever find them. A courtyard where nothing bad ever happened.

Home.

It was the feeling of home.

Jeremy held on to Michael's hand for as long as he could, just like Michael had done for him. The peace he could convey was a surprise. He wasn't quite sure where it came from. Maybe it was Sanaii, but that wasn't quite it. It was somewhere in Michael's words. In the ax that Jeremy had never thrown. Stuck in Gavin’s door even though it had never left his hands.

When it was over he placed Michael's hand down. He felt empty. Not a bad empty and probably not a good one either. It was hard to explain.

After so many nights with nightmares, eternal doubt, the question _why,_ emptiness felt good. A form of freedom.

It would come back, he knew that. There was a long journey ahead of him, but in some way, he had found his answer.

"I'm sorry," Alfredo said when Jeremy got up. The peace must have also gotten to him because his voice was empty of the anger from before. "I thought that you died when Prince Gavin ran from the castle. Michael- he used me. All of them did, I didn't know- I thought you were loyal to Prince Gavin."

"I thought so as well."

"But it's you, isn't it? It's really you."

Jeremy laughed. It sounded tight, just like his chest felt.

"It's me."

And when Alfredo hugged him, he nearly lost it. All those days and weeks after coming back, being strong, not letting the glares and words get to him.

Among the soldiers he was just another Child of Misfortune, not to be trusted, someone who was too close to the Oracle to be one of them.

But Alfredo was there and Jeremy closed his eyes and tried not to think too much. About all the awful things that had happened and all the things he had lost.

About Michael, and for the first time, he was able to let him go. He hoped that the both of them had found their peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue will follow soon!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Cause wasn't life so much easier as children?"

Epilogue

"You don't have to do this, Jeremy."

Jeremy knew that. Still, he had barely hesitated. In some way, he had waited for it.

It had been three months since the death of the Oracle and the kingdom was trying to heal. In the grand scheme of things, three months wasn't a lot.

There were still some of his followers out there, spreading his cursed rumors. Just a month ago Geoff had been forced to break a rebellion in the west. It was still brewing underneath the surface, a dangerous mix of make-believe and fear.

If what the Oracle had said was true, the future of this kingdom was looming threateningly over them. And hadn't the Oracle died for that knowledge?

A martyr.

While Jeremy was sitting here, in a comfy carriage while the endless fields of the kingdom passed by, it was hard to think that there was so much animosity beneath the surface. Then again, he had seen it, hadn't he?

How much all of this weighed on Geoff, how he tried to calm wave after wave. He didn't even have time to mourn and he so desperately needed it.

But the kingdom always came first.

If Jeremy could take just a fraction of his burden, he would.

"Is this a good idea?" Alfredo asked him. They were the only two in the carriage and when Jeremy followed his gaze, he could see the roof of a manor poking above the trees.

It belonged to the Ramsey's, some far off escape that Jeremy couldn't remember Geoff ever using.

"I'm not sure."

"I don't want you to open up old wounds."

Jeremy wasn't even sure if those wounds were truly closed even now. He was doing better, but he wasn't healed. He didn't think he would ever truly work completely through it, but yeah, he was getting better.

Alfredo was with him after all. Not a merc anymore, at least not really. Geoff had invited him into the castle, under the pretense that he held valuable information about what had transpired in the fortress in the days leading up to Gavin's death. That was all well and true, but even afterward Alfredo was allowed to stay and Jeremy knew it was because of him.

The castle had felt lonely and endlessly empty. As long as Geoff allowed Alfredo to be around, it wasn't quite as bad.

"I think I'm too curious to truly worry about that," Jeremy admitted. "Also you're still here."

Alfredo huffed. Jeremy was pretty sure he could see him turn a little pink. It made him grin.

"This whole thing is a joke anyway. How come after everything he lives in a mansion?"

"Because Geoff is keeping him hidden," Jeremy said as the rest of the manor appeared in front of them. "Too many people are searching for the second Oracle. The other boy who came back out of the portal."

Ray didn't have access to the entire mansion of course. The dozen guards stationed here were ones handpicked by Jack and they led him up a grand staircase. Alfredo wasn't even allowed to enter the property, but that was fine, Jeremy didn't think this would take too long.

They stopped in front of a wooden door and under any other circumstances, Jeremy might laugh about the amounts of locks on the door. Then again he had to leave all his weapons downstairs as if Ray would be able to take them.

Ray could be very, very dangerous right now, but he didn't think it was because of his physical strength. The remaining followers of Gavin were near obsessed with him. After all, their Oracle was dead, but Gavin had foreseen someone coming back from the dead, had shown Ray off like a treasure, and this person was still out there. Somewhere.

Like in this room.

"Jeremy," Ray greeted him. He was sitting on a plush seat and for a second Jeremy barely recognized him. Without his red cape and in just a soft tunic he looked... different. Softer.

Jeremy had half expected him to be chained up, locked away, but he seemed to be able to move freely in this room.

"I wasn't sure if you would come."

The door closed behind him and he could hear the locks click one after another. Everything to make sure Ray wouldn't leave this place.

"You asked for me," Jeremy said.

"Doesn't mean you had to follow my request. I'm glad you did though."

Ray pointed to the seat opposite of him and taking a deep breath, Jeremy went to sit down.

The room was big with a separate area to sleep. Huge windows let the sunlight in, filling the room golden. They were high enough that Ray wouldn't try to jump out and there sure as hell were no secret passages. He wondered if Ray had searched for them, pressing on the bricks of the fireplace or peeking behind portraits.

He didn't think so. No, Ray looked like he was rather happy with his accommodations. Though of course, the alternative was the dungeons.

Geoff had locked him down in them at first when everyone had expected Ray to hang after a short trial. But that hadn't happened, not with Gavin's followers trying their damndest to get him out.

"Feel free to drink the tea. The guards prepare it and I don't have access to anything I don't necessarily need," Ray told him as he sat down and Jeremy's eyes darted to the small table between them.

Sure enough, there were two cups and a silver teapot.

"You wouldn't poison me," Jeremy said and sounded surer than he probably should be. Ever since Jack had told him about Ray's invitation, Jeremy hadn't been scared of what might happen. No, he didn't think Ray was his enemy.

"I wouldn't."

Because even before, Ray had also prepared the antidote for him. Ray hadn't been the one who struck him down.

Ray moved to pour both of them a cup and Jeremy couldn't help himself but glance down to his arm. He was moving it freely, and after all those years of seeing Ray hiding it behind his cape, it was still a little disconcerting.

"Why did you ask for me?"

"I figured you would listen to what I have to say," Ray explained as he put the pot down. "King Geoff doesn't seem to believe me. He keeps on asking me the same questions over and over again, hoping for a different answer."

Jeremy scoffed.

"He's hoping for the truth. Then again why would you tell him? As long as the King is still searching for answers from you, he won't send you to the gallows."

"I would like to avoid the Nether for as long as possible, that's true. I'm sure you understand that, but I am not lying."

Jeremy fought down a shiver. He tried not to think about the Nether, about the horrid red heat and brittle stone inside. About the demons. Sometimes he just wanted to blurt it all out. As far as he knew Ray was the only other person who could relate to him.

What would Gavin's followers do if they'd found out that he had also come back? That he was also a Child of Misfortune? Something he didn't want to imagine.

"I heard about your version of the truth," he spat, just to get rid of those ugly thoughts. "Stories of rebirths and cycles. That Gavin has done all of this before and then started again. Things like that don't exist."

"Just like demons don't, and still, look at you and me."

Jeremy stayed quiet at that and of course, Ray picked up on it.

"Geoff doesn't believe me," he went on. "Geoff wouldn't believe whatever I'm saying because he can't, not yet. All he wants is a perfect explanation, maybe something that would assure him that Gavin hadn't turned against him. That's not possible. Because Gavin did. With the best intentions, but he was ready to cause Geoff all this pain to get what he wanted. You though... Jeremy, you saw that there is more out there than we understand. The Nether, demons. There's a part of you that considers my words. That's why I asked for you."

He did consider it, at least more than Geoff did. There were things out there they couldn't understand. Alfredo had told him about his few meetings with Gavin and how he had known things that nobody should. Things that back then, Jeremy hadn't even known about Alfredo.

Geoff was still too hurt to be looking at all of this objectively and he had more than enough on his plate in holding the kingdom together.

Ray reached for the cup on the table and the motion alone reminded him of simpler times. Lazy mornings in Gavin's chambers when there were no court meetings, when they had the day for themselves. Ray would always make sure there was a rich breakfast on the table and they would sit there, talking, each with their cup of tea.

"You believed in Gavin's words," Jeremy said, because that was at least one thing he was sure about. "Then why did you kill him?"

For the first time, Ray hesitated. He had raised his cup halfway to his lips before putting it back on its saucer.

"Michael used to tell this story about a warrior. How she was trapped in a loop until she defeated a monster," Ray told him. Jeremy pulled a face. Michael was still a sore spot for him, and when he looked at Ray he was sure it was for both of them.

"Every time the warrior failed, she woke up on the day before the big battle. At least until she was able to slay her monster."

"A fairytale," Jeremy replied dismissively. Ray tilted his head a little.

"Of course, but we had lost. We had lost everything and Gavin knew it. I was hoping-"

"That with him dying he would just wake up again? Back at the portal?"

"We all," Ray muttered, quiet and unsure. "We all would wake up on that day, back at the castle. Cause wasn't life so much easier as children?" He looked down into his cup of tea like he could see a vision of something nicer than this reality inside of it. "I would wake up in the barracks and Michael would smile like he did every morning. Later, after training, you would join us as well. No crown or Oracle or anything."

"Well, that didn't work out, did it?" Jeremy asked even though his heart yearned for it, for those simpler times.

"It didn't," Ray agreed silently. "I just hope that Gavin will do a better job next time."

What was he even doing here? A question he had asked himself plenty of times before this meeting, a question Alfredo had asked him as well.

What was he expecting from all of this?

There were two outcomes. Gavin had been truly twisted and had pulled Michael and Ray into it as well. At some point, they had started to believe whatever he had told them and Jeremy should probably be glad that for whatever reason he hadn't been pulled into the mess.

Or Gavin was right.

Ray was watching him, sipping from his cup, and Jeremy reached for his own as well just to have something to occupy his hands with. 

"I think you are delusional," he told Ray because that was easier than the alternative.

"That seems to be the common opinion from everyone who visits me."

They continued to drink their tea in silence, a grotesque form of normalcy, and not for the first time Jeremy wondered if he should be mad at Ray. But he couldn't be, not really. In some weird way, he felt instead connected to him.

They had both died for the plot. And both had returned.

They had both brought something back that didn't belong in this world.

They had both lost nearly everything by the end of it all.

When he finished his tea, he'd finally gathered the strength to ask the question he was treating.

"Why not me? Why didn't Gavin include me as well? Was I not good enough? Not smart or strong enough? Did he know I'd never betray Geoff?"

"It had nothing to do with your worth, Jeremy. Nothing."

Hearing it... That felt good. Especially coming from Ray, Ray who was the only one who could actually tell him that. Well, the only one who could.

Geoff could find pretty words for it and Alfredo as well, but neither of them truly knew.

Ray did. Ray had been in the center of it all. Jeremy wished he could keep his throat from getting tight.

"Gavin didn't remember you," Ray went on. Thankfully he didn't comment on the way Jeremy held on to the empty cup. "If you don't believe me, this won't help you in any way, but Gavin didn't remember you from his last try. That was all there was to it, Jeremy."

"So he got rid of me instead." He hated that he had to clear his throat just to get the words out or that it still hurt. He should be over that by now, shouldn’t he?

"That was never part of the plan. They chose that very day so that you could have an alibi. Gavin wanted to involve you as little as possible."

"Yeah well... that didn't work out."

"If you're looking for excuses, I won't give them to you." Ray placed his cup on the table with a somber expression. "There is no excuse for what they did to you. They didn't mean to if that helps you in any way, but I think that's hardly a justification."

"It isn't," Jeremy agreed. "But it's over, it doesn't matter. I'm not mad anymore. They paid. Especially Michael."

He expected Ray to get mad at him for even mentioning Michael, after all, he had been before. Back when Jeremy had reached the top of the residence, carrying Mogar. When Ray had seen that-

It had been awful. The whole night had just been dreadful.

"He will be very happy to hear that," Ray said instead.

Jeremy watched him. Ray was looking back openly; there was no lie there. He said it because he truly and deeply believed it.

Unsure on how to react to that, Jeremy got up. It felt wrong to leave Ray behind here, locked away in a pretty cage, but he quickly shook that thought off.

Ray deserved it, after all, he had helped Gavin in all of this and he had been the one who had poisoned Geoff.

"I think Geoff expected something different when he forwarded your message to me," he said.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but I am done with lying. What I'm telling you is the truth as far as I know it."

Jeremy sighed.

"If you say so."

"Can you deliver one more message to King Geoff for me?" Ray asked him and when Jeremy nodded, he said, "No matter what happens in this kingdom, or with me in this room, I'm not a threat anymore."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"All I want is to hide away somewhere where nothing bad ever happens." Ray smiled as he said that. For a moment Jeremy truly doubted his state of mind. Then again Ray did believe that Gavin had moved on, to start this whole story again in some way.

"I'll tell him."

"Thank you."

He knocked on the door and listened to the locks snapping open on the other side. Ray behind him didn't move, just watched contentedly. When the door finally opened, Jeremy turned back to him one more time.

"Goodbye, Ray."

"Goodbye, Jeremy."

* * *

Moonlight felt too intimate after that fateful night. Ray couldn’t quite explain why.

It was in the way Michael had kissed him under it and how Gavin had looked so lonely sitting in the window sill, watching his little star. It was in the reflection on that damn dagger and how blood looked black and not red.

Moonlight hid too many details and uncovered too many secrets.

But it felt like home, something he could wrap himself in and be safe. When he slept it was mostly during the day, if only to sit up here in his window and listen to the guards downstairs. It was easy to slip Estrelle into their shadows whenever they brought him food, but it was during the night when they talked about him. Child of Misfortune. A disgrace to have a traitor like him live in a mansion when he should hang in front of a crowd.

If they ever decided to come for him after maybe a bit too much alcohol, Ray wanted to be ready.

There was another reason why he listened in though. He heard it a few days after Jeremy had visited him. The breaking of glass, the grunts of pain that soon fell quiet. Not deadly, no, he didn’t think Estrelle could stay in the shadows of dead things. Only enough to knock the guards out.

Opening his eyes, he looked out over the silver world in front of his window. There was a lake and in the moonlight, it laid as still as a mirror.

Slipping from the window sill, he turned to the fireplace. He hadn’t bothered with a fire, it was summer and the temperatures were high enough as it was. 

Finding a loose brick had taken him two days. He pulled it out now to uncover the letter inside. It was a bit dusty and crumpled, but when he unfolded it, the words were still readable.

Geoff had left him paper and ink behind in case he wanted to change his mind and write a confession. The only thing Ray had written was the truth, but Geoff hadn’t bothered with it. Not that he could blame him, the last time he had seen the King he had looked run down and sad. So endlessly sad.

Ray placed the letter on the table and then waited. There was someone at the door, working on the locks and his heart was beating so hard, he wanted to cry. 

When Michael finally threw the door open, he was smiling.

Of course he was.

  
  


_Jeremy,_

_Don’t come looking for us, we are searching for the place where nothing bad ever happens._

_Tell Geoff, I didn’t lie about a thing that happened that night. Tell him that Gavin loved him more than life itself. That was the one thing he’d never lie about._

_He was Geoff’s son and Geoff was his father until the very end._

_I hope you live your life to the fullest._

_Your friend,_

_Ray_

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ufff, what a ride! Writing this story was a huge project of mine and while it didn't turn out the way I wanted it, I'm still happy I tackled this project!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this rather weird set up for a story. Thanks so much for sticking around!
> 
> My next story is already in the works and I will post information about it on my Tumblr very soon!
> 
> kahnah23.tumblr.com
> 
> Playlist will follow tomorrow~


	17. Playlist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I ain't at home  
> Home's where I'm going  
> I close my eyes to see  
> I'll take my throne, lay it on a mountain  
> And make myself a king

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for the playlist!
> 
> Some songs that are marked with a * are also on the Setting Sun Playlist but have quite a different tone to it... I wanted to show the duality of the songs and how they can mean different things depending on the circumstances.
> 
> Kinda like the POV in the Gloria Regalia stories :)
> 
> You can find the Setting Sun Playlist here:  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/22103836/chapters/55716436

**Rising Moon**

_ Gloria Regali _

\- Act II Playlist -

  
  


[ **Listen on Spotify** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7qEnvODi1YbtCxVT7WyHKL?si=ZQSJ5LEIQemquaA3gqz1DA)

_ No more dreaming like a girl  _

_ so in love with the wrong world _

  
  
  


**One** _ \- Kerli  _

Everything has changed

But everything's the same

I've gained and I've lost

I've gained and I've lost

I've been digging up every constellation

Travelling galaxies without a station

Faithful to my made up mission

I forgot about us

And no I don't need another reincarnation

Losing my mind searching for explanation

Faithful to my made up mission

I never felt like enough

I forgot about us

I forgot about us

I forgot about us

  
  


**It Takes A Lot to Know a Man** _\- Damien Rice*_

It takes a lot to know a man

It takes a lot to understand

The warrior, the sage

The little boy enraged

It takes a lot to live, to ask for help

To be yourself, to know and love what you live with

It takes a lot to breathe, to touch, to feel

The slow reveal of what another body needs

**Gravity Of You** _ \- Starset _

I feel the past that's died there

I hear it calling me

"You can come alive here."

I hear it beckoning

Until I am inside

To fall in the star is to be nothingness

To escape is to be empty

Fall into the star and then we won't exist

Or escape into the nothing

  
  


**Blinding** _ \- Florence + The Machine _

Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state

A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake

No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber

Until I realize that it was you who held me under

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone

No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

  
  


**Perfect Machine** _\- Starset*_

Show me your insides

Show me your secrets

Show me what you desire

I can fake it

Show what you wanted

So I can be it

And if I bend just right

I can make it

I should've let you know

You should've ran for cover

I'm just a parlor trick

A two-bit counterfeit

So good for you and good for me

We told ourselves we're right where we ought to be

**Onward & Upward** _ \- Tommee Profitt _

Second to none

Willing and able

Call forth the chosen one

King by fear and fable

Who will call you lord?

Who will fall on bended knee?

Who will lift the sword?

And lay down his life for me

And lay down his life for me

  
  


**Kings** _ \- Tribe Society _

Runnin' with all of my brothers

I always wondered how far we could go

If we could break through the ceiling above us

There'd be no point of us looking below

I ain't at home

Home's where I'm going

I close my eyes to see

I'll take my throne, lay it on a mountain

And make myself a king

  
  


**Stay Alive** _ \- Hidden Citizens* _

Does the wolf apologize

When it stands on top?

Does the wolf apologize?

Should the lion say his grace

When he takes his mark?

Should the lion say his grace

I do what I need to

What I have to

To survive

I do what I need to

What I have to

Well, you can try

To be civilized

But I'm gonna stay alive

  
**Noble Blood** _\- Tommee Profitt_

_ Michael & Jeremy _

We fight, we fall

Duty calls, it calls

Say we choose

But it's no choice at all

Duty calls, it calls

Mercy, peace, and justice

Cherish and protect us

Battle born they send us

Covered in our noble blood

  
  


**Golden Throne** _\- The Tech Thieves_

I'm gone, don't get it twisted

Too long I was addicted

To chasing you down and shining your crown

I see through your agenda

Lonely, so you pretend that

You don't wanna be on your own

Ruling on your golden throne

  
  


**Warrior** _ \- Evans Blue _

_ Michael _

I try to believe in blind but true

Paralyzing my Mind 

And consequently you

Suffocated by lies,

And acts of pain to prove

That I am justified

And I am a warrior

Not a victim of your pain

I speak for the curious

Infected by your ways

I'll stand before you at

The foot of my own grave and speak truth

I'm not the warrior for you   
  


**No Light, No Light** _ \- Florence + The Machine* _

_ Geoff & Gavin _

Through the crowd I was crying out and

In your place there were a thousand other faces

I was disappearing in plain sight

Heaven help me I need to make it right

But would you leave me

If I told you what I've done?

And would you leave me

If I told you what I've become?

'Cause it's so easy

To say it to a crowd

But it's so hard, my love

To say it to you out loud

  
  


**Empty Crown** _ \- YAS _

My body's missing pieces

Can't pull it all together

My body's missing pieces

I wish I could remember

There's a war inside my head

And I'm drowning in regret

When the lights come down

Got an empty crown

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment, bc they keep me going!
> 
> Find me on Tumblr and say hi!  
> http://kahnah23.tumblr.com


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